A BALANCE FOR THE BOSS
You see, I was openin' the mornin' mail. Hope you get that part. Not
that I want to seem chesty over it. Just goes to show, that's all.
For, of the whole force here at the General offices, there's just three
of us can carve up the mornin' mail without gettin' fired for it. And
the other two are Old Hickory and Mr. Robert.
H-m-m-m! Business of lookin' important. That's what it is to be a
private sec. But, between you and me, this slicin' and sortin'
envelopes ain't such thrillin' work; mostly routine stuff--reports of
department heads, daily statements from brokers, and so on. Now and
then, though, you run across something rich. This was one of the times.
I was 'most through the pile when I comes to this pale pink affair with
a heavy wax seal on the back. Perfumed, too, like lilacs. First off I
thought it must be private, and I held the letter stabber in the air
while I took a closer look. No. It's addressed just to the Corrugated
Trust. So rip she goes. After I'd read it through twice I grins and
puts it one side. When Mr. Robert blows in I hands the pink one to him
first.
"We're discovered," says I. "Here's someone that hints polite how
we're a bunch of strong-arms organized to rob the widow and orphan of
their daily bread."
Mr. Robert takes one sniff, then holds it at arm's length while he runs
it through. Gets a chuckle out of him, too.
"It's rather evident," says he, "that Mrs. Theodore Bayly Bagstock
doesn't approve of us at all--though just why is not quite clear."
"That's easy," says I. "This Inter-Lake Navigation that she's beefin'
about was one of them little concerns we gathered in last fall. Paid
something like fourteen, and our common at three and a half don't seem
so good to her, I expect. Still, she got a double on her holdings by
the deal, and with the melon we're goin' to cut next month--"
"Suppose, Torchy," breaks in Mr. Robert, tossing back the letter, "you
answer the lady in your own direct and lucid way. You might suggest
that we are neither highwaymen nor the Associated Charities, using any
little whim of sarcasm that occurs to you."
I'd just thought out a real snappy come-back too, and was dictatin' it
to a stenographer, when Old Hickory happens to drift by with his ear
out. He stops short.
"Hold on," says he. "What Mrs. Bagstock is that?"
"Why, the peevish one, I expect, sir," says I.
"Let's see that letter," says he.
I passes it over.
"Huh!" he goes on, rubbin' his chin reminiscent. "I wonder if that
could be--er--young man, I think I'll answer this myself."
"Oh, very well, sir," says I, shruggin' my shoulders careless.
Must have been half an hour later when Old Hickory calls me into the
private office, and I finds him still gazin' at the scented note.
"Torchy," says he, glancin' keen at me from Tinder his bushy eyebrows,
"this Mrs. Bagstock seems to think we are using her badly. As a matter
of fact, those Inter-Lake shareholders were lucky. We might have
frozen them out altogether. You understand, eh?"
I nods.
"But I can't put that in a letter," he goes on. "It could be explained
in a personal interview, however."
"I get you," says I. "I'll 'phone for her to come around."
"No!" he roars. "You'll do nothing of the sort. What the rhythmic
rhomboids put that into your head? I don't want to see the woman.
I'll not see her, not on any pretext. Understand?"
"I think so," says I.
"Then get your hat," says he.
"Yes, sir," says I, edging out.
"Just a moment," says Old Hickory. "You are to explain to Mrs.
Bagstock fully: assure her that in the long run she will not be the
loser, and so on. As courteously as you know how. And--er--if in the
course of the interview you should happen to learn her given
name--er--just remember it."
"Such as Ella May or Josephine?"
"No!" he snaps. "Natalie. Now clear out."
Ain't he the foxy old pirate, though? Sendin' me off on a sleuthin'
expedition without givin' up a hint as to what it's all about! Was it
some back-number romance that this lilac-dipped note had reminded him
of? More likely there'd been some Bagstock or other who'd
double-crossed him in a deal and he'd never found a chance to get
square. Anyway, he's after a confidential report, so off I pikes.
My troubles began right at the start. I had to hunt the address up on
a city map, and when I'd located it on the lower West Side, down in the
warehouse district, I'm sure of one thing--this Mrs. Bagstock can't be
such-a-much. If I had any doubts they was knocked out by the sign hung
alongside the front door--"Furnished Rooms."
I expect it had been quite a decent old house in its day--one of these
full-width brick affairs, with fancy iron grill-work on either side of
the brownstone steps and a fan-light over the door. There was even an
old-fashioned bell-pull that was almost equal to a wall exerciser for
workin' up your muscle. I was still pumpin' away energetic, not
hearin' any results inside, when the door is jerked open, and a perky
young female with the upper part of her face framed in kid curlers and
a baby-blue boudoir cap glares at me unpleasant.
"Humph!" says she. "Tryin' to play 'Rag-Time Temple Bells,' are you?"
"Then I did register a tinkle, did I?" says I.
"Tinkle! More like a riot call," says she. "Want to look at rooms?"
"Not exactly," says I. "You see, I'm representin'--"
"Are you?" she crashes in crisp. "Well, say, you fresh agents are
goin' to overwork this comedy cut-up act with our bell one of these
times. Go on. Shoot it. What you want to wish on us--instalment
player-piano, electric dish-washer, magazine subscriptions, or--"
"Excuse me," I cuts in, producin' the letter; "but, while you're a
grand little guesser, your start is all wrong. I came to see Mrs.
Bagstock about this. Lives here, don't she?"
"Oh, Auntie?" says the young party in the boudoir cap. "Then I guess
you can come in. Now, lemme see. What's this all about? H-m-m-m!
Stocks, eh? Just a jiffy while I go through this."
Durin' which I've been shooed into the parlor. Some parlor it is, too.
I don't know when I've seen a room that came so near whinin' about
better days gone by. Every piece of furniture, from the threadbare
sofa to the rickety center table, seems kind of sad and sobby.
Nothing old-timey about this young female that's studyin' out Mrs.
Bagstock's letter. Barrin' the floppy cap, she's costumed zippy enough
in what I should judge was a last fall's tango dress. As she reads she
yanks gum industrious.
"Say," she breaks out, "this is all Dutch to me. Who's bein' called
down, anyway?"
"We are," says I. "The Corrugated Trust. I'm private sec. there.
I've come around to show Mrs. Bagstock where she's sized us up wrong,
and if I could have five minutes' talk with her--"
"Well, you can't, that's all," says the young lady. "So speed up and
tell it to me."
Course, I wasn't doin' that. We holds quite a debate on the subject
without my scorin' any points at all. She tells me how she's a niece
by marriage of Mrs. Bagstock, and the unregrettin' widow of the late
Dick McCloud, who up to a year ago was the only survivin' relative of
his dear aunt.
"And he wasn't much good at that, if I do say it," announces Tessie,
snappin' her black eyes. "I don't deny he had me buffaloed for a while
there, throwin' the bull about his rich aunt that was goin' to leave
him a fortune. Huh! This is the fortune--this old furnished-room
joint that's mortgaged up to the eaves and ain't had a roomer in three
months. Hot fortune, ain't it? And here I am stranded with a batty
old dame, two blocks below Christopher."
"Waitin' to inherit?" I asks innocent.
"Why not?" says Tessie. "I stood for Dick McCloud 'most three years.
That ought to call for some pension, hadn't it? I don't mind sayin',
too, it ain't one long May-day festival, this bein' buried alive with
Aunt Nutty."
"Meanin' Mrs. Bagstock?" says I.
She nods. "One of Dick's little cracks," says she. "Her real name is
Natalie."
I expect my ears did a reg'lar rabbit motion at that. So this was the
one? Well, I'd got to have a look at her!
"Eh?" says I. "Did you say Natalie?"
"Aunt Nutty's a better fit, though," says Tessie.
"Ah, come!" says I. "She don't write so batty. And anybody who can
notice the difference between fourteen per cent. dividends and three
and a half ain't so far gone."
"Oh, you never could work off any wooden money on her," admits Tessie.
"Her grip on a dollar is sump'n fierce; that is, until it comes to
settin' the stage for one of her third Wednesdays."
"Her which?" says I.
"If it was anything I could cover up," says Tessie, "you bet I'd deny
it. But anybody on the block could put you wise. So, if you must
know, every third Wednesday Aunt Nutty goes through the motions of
pullin' off a pink tea. Uh-huh! It's all complete: the big silver urn
polished up and steaming sandwiches and cakes made, flowers about, us
all dolled up--and nobody to it! Oh, it's a scream!"
"But don't anyone come?" says I.
"Hardly," says Tessie, "unless you count Mrs. Fizzenmeyer, the
delicatessen lady; or Madame Tebeau, the little hairdresser; or the
Schmitt girls, from the corner bakery. They pretend to take Auntie
almost as serious as she takes herself. Lately, though, even that
bunch has stopped. You can't blame 'em. It may be funny for once or
twice. After that--well, it begins to get ghastly. Specially with the
old girl askin' me continual to watch out the window and see if the Van
Pyles haven't driven up yet, or the Rollinses, or the Pitt-Smiths. If
that ain't nutty, now what is?"
"The third Wednesday, eh?" says I. "That's to-morrow, ain't it?"
"Sure," says Tessie. "Which is why you can't see her to-day. She's in
trainin' for the big event--y'understand?"
"But I'd like to set her mind easy on this stock proposition," says I.
"Wish you could," says Tessie. "She's been stewin' a lot over
something or other. Must be that. And I could take you up to her if
you was on the list."
"What list?" I asks.
"Her doctor, her solicitor, her banker," says Tessie, checkin' 'em off
on her fingers.
"Say," says I, "couldn't I ring in as one of her bankers? Then I could
get this off my chest and not have to come again."
"I'll put it up to her," says Tessie. "Got a business card on you?"
I had, an engraved one. Maybe that's what did the trick, for Tessie
comes back smilin'.
"But it'll take me half an hour or so to fix her up," says she. "She's
dreadful fussy about her looks."
"I got all day," says I.
But at that it seemed like I'd been shut up in that sobby parlor for a
month when Tessie finally gives me the word. "Come along," says she.
"And don't forget to make a noise like a banker."
Say, after I'd been led up to this faded old relic that's bolstered
with pillows in the armchair by the window, and listened to her wavery,
cracked voice, I couldn't see anything funny in it at all.
It's a vague, batty sort of talk we had. Mostly it's a monologue by
her.
"I am quite annoyed," says she, tappin' the chair arm with her thin,
blue-white finger-nails. "My income, you know. It must not be reduced
in this way. You must attend to it at once. Those Inter-Lake
securities. I've depended on those. Mr. Bagstock gave them to me on
our fifth wedding anniversary. Of course, I am not a business woman.
One can't neglect one's social career. But I have always tried to look
after my own securities. My father taught me to do that when I was a
mere girl. So I wrote about my Inter-Lake Navigation shares. Why
should your firm interfere? You say in a few months they will pay as
well. But meanwhile? You see, there are my Wednesdays. I can't give
them up. What would people say? For years that has been my day. No,
no, young man, you must find a way. Tell your firm that I simply must
keep up my Wednesdays."
And, as she stops for breath, it's about the first chance I've had to
spring anything on her. Old Hickory hadn't told me not to use his
name, and was I to blame if he'd overlooked that point?
"Yes'm," says I; "I'll tell Mr. Ellins."
"Who?" says she, steadyin' her wanderin' gaze. "Mr. Ellins?"
"Old Hickory," says I. "He's president of the Corrugated Trust, ma'am."
"Really!" says she. "How odd! I--I used to know a young man of that
name--a pushing, presuming, impudent fellow. In fact, he had the
audacity to call on me several times. He was quite impossible
socially; uncouth, awkward, rough spoken. A mere clerk, I believe.
And I--well, I was rather a belle that season, I suppose. At least, I
did not lack suitors. A brilliant season it was for me too, my first.
Our dinners, receptions, dances, were affairs of importance. How this
raw Middle-Westerner came to be invited I've forgotten. Through my
father, I presume. I had hardly noticed him among so many. At least,
I am sure I never gave him an excuse for thinking that he could-- Oh,
it was outrageous. I had been trying to dance with him and had given
it up. We were in the little conservatory, watching the others,
when--well, I found myself in his arms, crushed there. He--he was
kissing me violently. I suppose I must have screamed before I fainted.
Anyway, there was a scene. He was given his hat and coat, shown the
door. Father was in a rage. Of course, after that he was ostracized.
I never saw him again, never forgave him. And now-- Do you think this
can be the same Mr. Ellins? He sent you to me, did he not? Did he
mention anything about--"
"Not a word except business," says I. "And I must say that performance
don't sound much like the boss."
"Ah!" says the old girl, sighin' relieved. "I am glad to hear you say
so. I should not care to have any dealings with him."
She was back in the '70's again, tryin' to look haughty and indignant.
Next minute she was protestin' about her income and announcin' that she
must keep up her Wednesdays.
"Yes'm," says I, backin' out; "I'll tell him."
"Well?" says Tessie, as we gets back to the parlor, "Ain't that some
bug-house proposition? Got an ear-full, didn't you? And to-morrow
we'll-- There's that fool bell again. Oh, it's the doctor. I'll have
to take him up. So long."
She let the young doctor in as she let me out. I was half way down the
block, too, when I turns and walks back. I waits in the tin runabout
until the pill distributer comes out.
"What about the old lady in there?" says I. "Kind of wabbly, ain't
she?"
"Oh, she may last a month more," says he. "Wonderful vitality. And
then again--oh, any time; like that!" and he snaps his fingers.
Maybe I didn't have some details to give Old Hickory.
"It's a case of better days," says I. "Must have been some society
queen and she's never got over the habit. Still playin' the game."
Then I describes the guestless teas she has. But never a smile out of
Old Hickory. He listens grim without interruptin'.
"But what about her first name?" he asks at last.
"Oh, sure," says I. "Didn't I mention that? Natalie. And I expect
she was some stunner. She's near the finish now, though. Shouldn't
wonder but to-morrow might be her last third Wednesday."
"Who says so?" demands Mr. Ellins savage.
"Her doctor," says I.
With that, Old Hickory bangs his fist on the desk.
"Then, by the Lord Harry," says he, "I'd like to make it a good one."
"Eh?" says I, gawpin'.
"Young man," says he, "I don't know whether you have had fool luck or
have been particularly clever, but thus far you have handled this
affair for me like a diplomat. Now I'm going to ask you to do
something more. I don't care to hear another word about Mrs. Bagstock,
not a whisper, but--er--here's a check for two hundred dollars. No,
I'll make it five. Just take that and see that her silly tea to-morrow
is a bang-up affair, with plenty of real guests."
I gasps.
"But, I say, Mr. Ellins," I begins, "how do I--"
"Don't ask me how, young man," he snaps. "What do I know about
tea-parties? Do as I tell you."
Say, that's some unique order to shoot at a private sec., ain't it?
And did I make good? Listen. Before nine o'clock that night I had the
thing all plotted out and half a dozen people gettin' busy. Course,
it's mostly Vee's program. She claps her hands when she hears the tale.
"Why, Torchy!" says she. "Isn't that just splendid! Certainly we can
do it."
And when Vee gets enthusiastic over anything it ain't any flash in the
pan. It's apt to be done, and done right. She tells me what to do
right off the reel. And you should have seen me blowin' that five
hundred like a drunken sailor. I charters a five-piece orchestra,
gives a rush order to a decorator, and engages a swell caterer, warnin'
Tessie by wire what to expect. Vee tackled the telephone work, and
with her aunt's help dug up about a dozen old families that remembered
the Bagstocks. How they hypnotized so many old dames to take a trip
'way downtown I don't know; but after Mrs. Tessie McCloud had watched
the fourth limousine unload from two to three classy-lookin' guests,
she near swallowed her gum.
"Muh Gawd!" says she. "Am I seein' things, or is it true?"
Not only dames, but a sprinklin' of old sports in spats and frock-coats
and with waxed white mustaches was rounded up; and, with five or six
debutantes Vee had got hold of, it's some crusty push.
First off Mrs. Bagstock had been so limp and unsteady on her pins that
she'd started in by receivin' 'em propped up in a big chair. But by
the time the old parlor got half full and the society chatter cuts
loose she seems to buck up a lot.
Next thing I knew, she was standin' as straight as a Fifth Avenue
doorman, her wrinkled old chin well up and her eyes shinin'. Honest,
she was just eatin' it up. Looked the part, too. A bit out of date as
to costume, maybe; but with her white hair piled up high and the
diamond-set combs in it, and a cameo as big as a door-knob at her
throat, and with that grand-duchess air of hers, hanged if she don't
carry it off great. Why, I heard her gossipin' with old Madam Van Pyle
as chummy and easy as if it had been only last week since they'd seen
each other, instead of near twenty years ago.
Havin' to pay off some of the help, I had to stick around until it was
all over. So I was there when she staggers towards Tessie and leans
heavy on her shoulder.
"They--they've all gone, haven't they?" she asks. "I--I'm so tired
and--and so happy! It has been the most successful Wednesday I've had
for some time, hasn't it?"
"Has it?" says Tessie. "Why, Auntie, this was a knockout, one of the
kind you read about. Honest, even when I was fittin' corsets for the
carriage trade, I never got so close to such a spiffy bunch. But we
had the goods to hand 'em--caviar sandwiches, rum for the tea, fizz in
the punch. Believe me, the Astors ain't got anything on us now."
Mrs. Bagstock don't seem to be listenin'. She's just gazin' around
smilin' vague.
"Music, wasn't there?" she goes on. "I had really forgotten having
ordered an orchestra. And such lovely roses! Let me take one more
look at the dear old drawing-room. Yes, it was a success, I'm sure.
Now you may ring for my maid. I--I think I will retire."
As they brushed past me on their way to the stairs I took a chance on
whisperin' to Tessie.
"Hadn't you better ring up the doc?" I suggests.
"Maybe I had," says she.
Perhaps she did, too. I expect it didn't matter much. Only I was
peeved at that boob society editor, after all the trouble I took to get
the story shaped up by one of my newspaper friends and handed in early,
to have it held over for the Sunday edition. That's how it happens the
paper I takes in to Mr. Ellins Monday mornin' has these two items on
the same page--I'd marked 'em both. One was a flossy account of Mrs.
Theodore Bayly Bagstock's third Wednesday; the other was six lines in
the obituary column. Old Hickory reads 'em, and then sits for a
minute, gazin' over the top of his desk at nothing at all.
"Poor Natalie!" says be, after a while. "So that was her last."
"Nobody ever finished any happier, though," says I.
"Hah!" says he. "Then perhaps that balances the account."
Saying which, he clips the end off of a fat black perfecto, lights up,
and tackles the mornin' mail.