HOW HAM PASSED THE BUCK
I expect you'll admit that when Mr. Robert slides out at 11 A.M. and
don't show up again until after three he's stretchin' the lunch hour a
bit. But, whatever other failin's I may have, I believe in bein' easy
with the boss. So, when he breezes into the private office in the
middle of the afternoon, I just gives him the grin, friendly and
indulgent like.
"Well, Torchy," he calls over to me, "have I missed anyone?"
"Depends on how it strikes you," says I. "Mr. Hamilton Adams has near
burned out the switchboard tryin' to get you on the 'phone. Called up
four times."
"Ham, eh?" says he, shruggin' his shoulders careless. "Then I can
hardly say I regret being late. I trust he left no message."
"This ain't your lucky day," says I. "He did. Wants to see you very
special. Wants you to look him up."
"At the club, I suppose?" says Mr. Robert.
"No, at his rooms," says I.
"The deuce he does!" says Mr. Robert. "Why doesn't he come here if
it's so urgent?"
"He didn't say exactly," says I, "but from hints he dropped I take it
he can't get out. Sick, maybe."
"Humph!" says Mr. Robert, rubbin' his chin thoughtful. "If that is the
case--" Then he stops and stares puzzled into the front of the
roll-top, where the noon mail is sorted and stacked in the wire baskets.
I don't hear anything more from him for two or three minutes, when he
signals me over and pulls up a chair.
"Ah--er--about Ham Adams, now," he begins.
"Say, Mr. Robert," says I, "you ain't never goin' to wish him onto me,
are you? Why, him and me wouldn't get along a little bit."
"I must concede," says he, "that Mr. Adams has not a winning
personality. Yet there are redeeming features. He plays an excellent
game of billiards, his taste in the matter of vintage wines is
unerring, and in at least two rather vital scrimmages which I had with
the regatta committee he was on my side. And, while I feel that I have
more than repaid any balance due-- Well, I can't utterly ignore him
now. But as for hunting him up this afternoon--" Mr. Robert nods at
the stacks of letters.
"Oh, all right," says I. "What's his number?"
Mr. Robert writes it on a card.
"You may as well understand my position," says he. "I have already
invested some twenty-five hundred dollars in Mr. Adams' uncertain
prospects. I must stop somewhere. Of course, if he's ill or in
desperate straits-- Well, here is another hundred which you may offer
or not, as you find best. I am relying, you see, on your somewhat
remarkable facility for rescuing truth from the bottom of the well or
any other foolish hiding-place."
"Meanin', I expect," says I, "that you're after a sort of general
report, eh?"
"Quite so," says Mr. Robert. "You see, it's a business errand, in a
way. You go as a probing committee of one, with full powers."
"It's a tough assignment," says I, "but I'll do my best."
For I'd seen enough of Ham Adams to know he wa'n't the kind to open up
easy. One of these bull-necked husks, Mr. Adams is, with all the
pleasin' manners of a jail warden. Honest, in all the times he's been
into the Corrugated general offices, I've never seen him give anyone
but Mr. Robert so much as a nod. Always marched in like he was goin'
to trample you under foot if you didn't get out of his way, and he had
a habit of scowlin' over your head like he didn't see you at all.
I expect that was his idea of keeping the lower classes in their place.
He was an income aristocrat, Ham was. Always had been. Phosphate
mines down South somewheres, left to him by an aunt who had brought him
up. And with easy money comin' in fresh and fresh every quarter,
without havin' to turn a hand to get it, you'd 'most think he could
take life cheerful. He don't, though. Hardly anything suits him. He
develops into the club grouch, starin' slit-eyed at new members, and
cultivatin' the stony glare for the world in general.
And then, all of a sudden, his income dries up. Stops absolutely.
Something about not bein' able to ship any more phosphate to Germany.
Anyway, the quarterly stuff is all off. I'd heard him takin' on about
it to Mr. Robert--cussin' out the State Department, the Kaiser, the
Allies, anybody he could think of to lay the blame to. Why didn't
someone do something? It was a blessed outrage. What was one to do?
Ham's next idea seems to be who was one to do; and Mr. Robert, being
handy, was tagged. First off it was a loan; a good-sized one; then a
note or so, and finally he gets down to a plain touch now and then,
when Mr. Robert couldn't dodge.
But for a month or more, until this S. O. S. call comes in, he don't
show up at all. So I'm some curious myself to know just what's struck
him. I must say, though, that for a party who's been crossed off the
dividend list for more'n a year, he's chuckin' a good bluff. Some
spiffy bachelor apartments these are that I locates--tubbed bay trees
out front, tapestry panels in the reception-room, and a doorman
uniformed like a rear-admiral. I has to tell the 'phone girl who I am
and why, and get an upstairs O. K., before I'm passed on to the
elevator. Also my ring at B suite, third floor, is answered by a
perfectly good valet.
"From Mr. Ellins, sir?" says he, openin' the door a crack.
"Straight," says I.
He swings it wide and bows respectful. A classy party, this man of Mr.
Adams', too. Nothing down-and-out about him. Tuxedo, white tie, and
neat trimmed siders in front of his ears. One of these quiet spoken,
sleuthy movin' gents he is, a reg'lar stage valet. But he manages to
give me the once-over real thorough as he's towin' me in.
"This way, sir," says he, brushin' back the draperies and shuntin' me
in among the leather chairs and Oriental rugs.
Standin' in the middle of the room, with his feet wide apart, is Mr.
Adams, like he was waitin' impatient. You'd hardly call him sick abed.
I expect it would take a subway smash to dent him any. But, if his man
fails to look the part of better days gone by, Ham Adams is the true
picture of a seedy sport. His padded silk dressin'-gown is fringed
along the cuffs, and one of the shoulder seams is split; his slippers
are run over; and his shirt should have gone to the wash last week.
Also his chin is decorated in two places with surgeon's tape and has a
thick growth of stubble on it. As I drifts in he's makin' a bum
attempt to' roll a cigarette and is gazin' disgusted at the result.
"Why didn't Bob come himself?" he demands peevish.
"Rush of business," says I. "He'd been takin' time off and the work
piled up on him."
"Humph!" says Adams. "Well, I've got to see him, that's all."
"In that case," says I, "you ought to drop around about--"
"Out of the question," says he. "Look at me. Been trying to shave
myself. Besides-- Well, I can't!"
"Mr. Robert thought," I goes on, "that you might--"
"Well?" breaks in Mr. Adams, turnin' his back on me sudden and glarin'
at the draperies. "What is it, Nivens?"
At which the valet appears, holdin' a bunch of roses.
"From Mrs. Grenville Hawks, sir," says he. "They came while you were
at breakfast, sir."
"Well, well, put them in a vase--in there," says Ham. And as Nivens
goes out he kicks the door to after him.
"Now, then," he goes on, "what was it Mr. Robert thought?"
"That you might give me a line on how things stood with you," says I,
"so he'd know just what to do."
"Eh?" growls Ham. "Tell you! Why, who the devil are you?"
"Nobody much," says I. "Maybe you ain't noticed me in the office, but
I'm there. Private sec. to the president of Mutual Funding. My desk
is beyond Mr. Robert's, in the corner."
"Oh, yes," says Adams; "I remember you now. And I suppose I may as
well tell you as anyone. For the fact is, I'm about at the end of my
string. I must get some money somewhere."
"Ye-e-es?" says I, sort of cagey.
"Did Bob send any by you? Did he?" suddenly asks Adams.
"Some," says I.
"How much?" he demands.
"A hundred," says I.
"Bah!" says he. "Why, that wouldn't-- See here; you go back and tell
Bob I need a lot more than that--a couple of thousand, anyway."
I shakes my head. "I guess a hundred is about the limit," says I.
"But great Scott!" says Adams, grippin' his hands desperate. "I've
simply got to--"
Then he breaks off and stares again towards the door. Next he steps
across the room soft and jerks it open, revealin' the classy Nivens
standin' there with his head on one side.
"Ha!" snarls Ham. "Listening, eh?"
"Oh yes, sir," says Nivens. "Naturally, sir."
"Why naturally?" says Adams.
"I'm rather interested, that's all, sir," says Nivens.
"Oh, you are, are you?" sneers Ham. "Come in here."
He ain't at all bashful about acceptin' the invitation, nor our starin'
at him don't seem to get him a bit fussed. In fact, he's about the
coolest appearin' member of our little trio.
Maybe some of that is due to the dead white of his face and the black
hair smoothed back so slick. A cucumbery sort of person, Nivens. He
has sort of a narrow face, taken bow on, but sideways it shows up clean
cut and almost distinguished. Them deep-set black eyes of his give him
a kind of mysterious look, too.
"Now," says Ham Adams, squarin' off before him with his jaw set rugged,
"perhaps you will tell us why you were stretching your ear outside?"
"Wouldn't it be better, sir, if I explained privately?" suggests
Nivens, glancin' at me.
"Oh, him!" says Adams. "Never mind him."
"Very well, sir," says Nivens. "I wanted to know if you were able to
raise any cash. I haven't mentioned it before, but there's a matter of
fifteen months' wages between us, sir, and--"
"Yes, yes, I know," cuts in Ham. "But yon understand my circumstances.
That will come in time."
"I'm afraid I shall have to ask for a settlement very soon, sir," says
Nivens.
"Eh?" gasps Adams. "Why, see here, Nivens; you've been with me for
five--six years, isn't it?"
"Going on seven, sir," says Nivens.
"And during all that time," suggests Ham, "I've paid you thousands of
dollars."
"I've tried to earn it all, sir," says Nivens.
"So you have," admits Ham. "I suppose I should have said so before.
As a valet you're a wonder. You've got a lot of sense, too. So why
insist now on my doing the impossible? You know very well I can't lay
my hands on a dollar."
"But there's your friend Mr. Ellins," says Nivens.
Ham Adams looks over at me. "I say," says he, "won't Bob stand for
more than a hundred? Are you sure?"
"He only sent that in case you was sick," says I.
"You see?" says Ham, turnin' to Nivens. "We've got to worry along the
best we can until things brighten up. I may have to sell off some of
these things."
A cold near-smile flickers across Nivens' thin lips.
"You hadn't thought of taking a position, had you, sir?" he asks
insinuatin'.
"Position!" echoes Ham. "Me? Why, I never did any kind of work--don't
know how. Tell me, who do you think would give me a job at anything?"
"Since you've asked, sir," says Nivens, "why, I might, sir."
Ham Adams lets out a gasp.
"You!" says he.
"It's this way, sir," says Nivens, in that quiet, offhand style of his.
"I'd always been in the habit of putting by most of my wages, not
needing them to live on. There's tips, you know, sir, and quite a
little one can pick up--commissions from the stores, selling
second-hand clothes and shoes, and so on. So when Cousin Mabel had
this chance to buy out the Madame Ritz Beauty Parlors, where she'd been
forelady for so long, I could furnish half the capital and go in as a
silent partner."
"Wha-a-at?" says Ham, his eyes bugged. "You own a half interest in a
beauty shop--in Madame Ritz's?"
Nivens bows.
"That is strictly between ourselves, sir," says he. "I wouldn't like
it generally known. But it's been quite a success--twelve attendants,
sir, all busy from eleven in the morning until ten at night. Mostly
limousine trade now, for we've doubled our prices within the last two
years. You'll see our ads in all the theater programs and Sunday
papers. That's what brings in the--"
"But see here," breaks in Ham, "how the merry dingbats would you use me
in a beauty parlor? I'm just curious."
Nivens pulls that flickery smile of his again.
"That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, sir," says he. "In fact, I
have nothing to do with the active management of Madame Ritz's; only
drop around once or twice a month to go over the books with Mabel.
It's wonderful how profits pile up, sir. Nearly ten thousand apiece
last year. So I've been thinking I ought to give up work. It was only
that I didn't quite know what to do with myself after. I've settled
that now, though; at least, Mabel has. 'You ought to take your place
in society,' she says, 'and get married.' The difficulty was, sir, to
decide just what place I ought to take. And then--well, it's an ill
wind, as they say, that blows nobody luck. Besides, if you'll pardon
me, sir, you seemed to be losing your hold on yours."
"On--on mine?" asks Ham, his mouth open.
Nivens nods.
"I'm rather familiar with it, you see," says he. "Of course, I may not
fill it just as you did, but that would hardly be expected. I can try.
That is why I have been staying on. I've taken over the lease. The
agent has stopped bothering you, perhaps you have noticed. And I've
made out a complete inventory of the furnishings. In case I take them
over, I'll pay you a fair price--ten per cent. more than any dealer."
"Do--do you mean to say," demands Adams, "that you are paying my rent?"
"Excuse me, mine," says Nivens. "The lease has stood in my name for
the last two months. I didn't care to hurry you, sir; I wanted to give
you every chance. But now, if you are quite at the end, I am ready to
propose the change."
"Go on," says Ham, starin' at him. "What change?"
"My place for yours," says Nivens.
"Eh?" gasps Ham.
"That is, of course, if you've nothing better to do, sir," says Nivens,
quiet and soothin'. "You'd soon pick it up, sir, my tastes being quite
similar. For instance--the bath ready at nine; fruit, coffee, toast,
and eggs at nine-fifteen, with the morning papers and the mail laid
out. Then at--"
"See here, my man," breaks in Adams, breathin' hard. "Are you crazy,
or am I? Are you seriously suggesting that I become your valet?"
Nivens shrugs his shoulders.
"It occurred to me you'd find that the easiest way of settling your
account with me, sir," says he. "Then, too, you could stay on here,
almost as though nothing had happened. Quite likely I should go out a
bit more than you do, sir. Well, here you'd be: your easy chair, your
pictures, your favorite brands of cigars and Scotch. Oh, I assure you,
you'll find me quite as gentlemanly about not locking them up as you
have been, sir. I should make a few changes, of course; nothing
radical, however. And, really, that little back room of mine is very
cozy. What would come hardest for you, I suppose, would be the getting
up at seven-thirty; but with a good alarm clock, sir, you--"
"Stop!" says Ham. "This--this is absurd. My head's swimming from it.
And yet-- Well, what if I refuse?"
Nivens lifts his black eyebrows significant.
"I should hope I would not be forced to bring proceedings, sir," says
he. "Under the Wage Act, you know--"
"Yes, yes," groans Ham, slumpin' into a chair and restin' his chin on
his hands. "I know. You could send me to jail. I should have thought
of that. But I--I didn't know how to get along alone. I've never had
to, you know, and--"
"Precisely, sir," says Nivens. "And allow me to suggest that another
employer might not have the patience to show you your duties. But I
shall be getting used to things myself, you know, and I sha'n't mind
telling you. If you say so, sir, we'll begin at once."
Ham Adams gulps twice, like he was tryin' to swallow an egg, and then
asks:
"Just how do--do you want to--to begin?"
"Why," says Nivens, "you might get my shaving things and lay them out
in the bathroom. I think I ought to start by--er--dispensing with
these"; and he runs a white hand over the butler siders that frames his
ears.
Almost like he was walkin' in his sleep, Ham gets up. He was headed
for the back of the suite, all right, starin' straight ahead of him,
when of a sudden he turns and catches me watchin'. He stops, and a
pink flush spreads from his neck up to his ears.
"As you was just sayin'," says I, "don't mind me. Anyway, I guess this
is my exit cue."
I tries to swap a grin with Nivens as I slips through the door. But
there's nothing doing. He's standin' in front of the mirror decidin'
just where he shall amputate those whiskers.
First off Mr. Robert wouldn't believe it at all. Insists I'm feedin'
him some fairy tale. But when I gives him all the details, closin'
with a sketch of Ham startin' dazed for the back bathroom, he just
rocks in his chair and 'most chokes over it.
"By George!" says he. "Ham Adams turning valet to his own man! Oh,
that is rich! But far be it from me to interfere with the ways of a
mysterious Providence. Besides, in six months or so his income will
probably be coming in again. Meanwhile-- Well, we will see how it
works out."
That was five or six weeks ago, and not until Tuesday last does either
of us hear another word. Mr. Robert he'd been too busy; and as for me,
I'd had no call. Still, being within a couple of blocks of the place,
I thought I might stroll past. I even hangs up outside the entrance a
few minutes, on the chance that one or the other of 'em might be goin'
in or out, I'd about given up though, and was startin' off, when I
almost bumps into someone dodgin' down the basement steps.
It's Ham Adams, with a bottle of gasoline in one hand and a bundle of
laundry under his arm. Looks sprucer and snappier than I'd ever seen
him before, too. And that sour, surly look is all gone. Why, he's
almost smilin'.
"Well, well!" says I. "How's valetin' these days?"
"Oh, it's you, is it?" says he. "Why, I'm getting along fine. Of
course, I never could be quite so good at it as--as Mr. Nivens was, but
he is kind enough to say that I am doing very well. Really, though, it
is quite simple. I just think of the things I should like to have done
for me, and--well, I do them for him. It's rather interesting, you
know."
I expect I gawped some myself, hearing that from him. From Ham Adams,
mind you!
"Ye-e-e-es; must be," says I, sort of draggy. Then I shifts the
subject. "How's Mr. Nivens gettin' along?" says I. "Ain't married
yet, eh?"
For a second Ham Adams lapses back into his old glum look.
"That is the only thing that worries me," says he. "No, he isn't
married, as yet; but he means to be. And the lady--well, she's a
widow, rather well off. Nice sort of person, in a way. A Mrs.
Grenville Hawks."
"Not the one that used to send you bunches of roses?" says I.
He stares at me, and then nods.
"It seems that Mr. Nivens had already picked her out--before," says he.
"Oh, there was really nothing between us. I'd never been a marrying
man, you know. But Mrs. Hawks--well, we were rather congenial. She's
bright, not much of a highbrow, and not quite in the swim. I suppose I
might have-- Oh, widows, you know. Told me she didn't intend to stay
one. And now Mr. Nivens has come to know her, in some way; through his
cousin Mabel, I suppose. Knows her quite well. She telephones him
here. I--I don't like it. It's not playing square with her for him
to-- Well, you see what I mean. She doesn't know who he was."
"Uh-huh," says I.
"But I'm not sure just what I ought to do," says he.
"If you're callin' on me for a hunch," says I, "say so."
"Why, yes," says he. "What is it?"
"What's the matter," says I, "with beating him to it?"
"Why--er--by Jove!" says Ham. "I--I wonder."
He was still standin' there, holdin' the gasoline bottle and gazin'
down the basement steps, as I passed on. Course, I was mostly joshin'
him. Half an hour later and I'd forgot all about it. Never gave him a
thought again until this mornin' I hears Mr. Robert explode over
something he's just read in the paper.
"I say, Torchy," he sings out. "You remember Ham Adams? Well, what do
you think he's gone and done now?"
"Opened a correspondence school for valets?" says I.
"Married!" says Mr. Robert. "A rich widow, too; a Mrs. Grenville
Hawks."
"Zippo!" says I. "Then he's passed the buck back on Nivens."
"I--er--I beg pardon?" says Mr. Robert.
"You see," says I, "Nivens kind of thought an option on her went with
the place. He had Ham all counted out. But that spell of real work
must have done Ham a lot of good--must have qualified him to come back.
Believe me, too, he'll never be the same again."
"That, at least, is cheering," says Mr. Robert.