TOWING CECIL TO A SMEAR
Just think! If it had turned out a little different I might have been
called to stand on a platform in front of City Hall while the Mayor
wished a Victoria Cross or something like that on me.
No, I ain't been nearer the front than Third Avenue, but at that I've
come mighty near gettin' on the firin' line, and the only reason I missed
out on pullin' a hero stunt was that Maggie wa'n't runnin' true to form.
It was like this. Here the other mornin', as I'm sittin' placid at my
desk dictatin' routine correspondence into a wax cylinder that's
warranted not to yank gum or smell of frangipani--sittin' there dignified
and a bit haughty, like a highborn private sec. ought to, you know--who
should come paddin' up to my elbow but the main wheeze, Old Hickory
Ellins.
"Son," says he, "can any of that wait?"
"Guess it wouldn't spoil, sir," says I, switchin' off the duflicker.
"Good!" says he. "I think I can employ your peculiar talents to better
advantage for the next few hours. I trust that you are prepared to face
the British War Office?"
Suspectin' that he's about to indulge in his semi-annual josh, I only
grins expectant.
"We have with us this morning," he goes on, "one Lieutenant Cecil
Fothergill, just arrived from London. Perhaps you saw him as he was
shown in half an hour or so ago?"
"The solemn-lookup gink with the long face, one wanderin' eye, and the
square-set shoulders?" says I. "Him in the light tan ridin'-breeches and
the black cutaway?"
"Precisely," says Mr. Ellins.
"Huh!" says I. "Army officer? I had him listed as a rail-bird from the
Horse Show."
"He presents credentials signed by General Kitchener," says Old Hickory.
"He's looking up munition contracts. Not the financial end. Nor is he
an artillery expert. Just exactly what he is here for I've failed to
discover, and I am too busy to bother with him."
"I get you," says I. "You want him shunted."
Old Hickory nods.
"Quite delicately, however," he goes on.
"The Lieutenant seems to have something on his mind--something heavy. I
infer that he wishes to do a little inspecting."
"Oh!" says I.
You see, along late in the summer, one of our Wall Street men had copped
out a whalin' big shell-case contract for us, gayly ignorin' the fact
that this was clean out of our line.
How Old Hickory did roast him for it at the time! But when he come to
figure out the profits, Mr. Ellins don't do a thing but rustle around,
lease all the stray factories in the market, from a canned gas plant in
Bayonne to a radiator foundry in Yonkers, fit 'em up with the proper
machinery, and set 'em to turnin' out battle pills by the trainload.
"I gather," says Mr. Ellins, "that the Lieutenant suspects we are not
taking elaborate precautions to safeguard our munition plants from--well,
Heaven knows what. So if you could show him around and ease his mind any
it would be helpful. At least, it would be a relief to me just now.
Come in and meet him."
My idea was to chirk him up at the start.
"Howdy, Lieutenant," says I, extendin' the cordial palm.
But both the Lieutenant's eyes must have been wandering for he don't seem
to notice my friendly play.
"Ha-ar-r-r yuh," he rumbles from somewhere below his collar-button, and
with great effort he manages to focus on me with his good lamp. For a
single-barreled look-over, it's a keen one, too--like bein' stabbed with
a cheese-tester. But it's soon over, and the next minute he's listenin'
thoughtful while Old Hickory is explainin' how I'm the one who can tow
him around the munition shops.
"Torchy," Mr. Ellins winds up with, shootin' me a meanin' look from under
his bushy eyebrows, "I want you to show the Lieutenant our main works."
"Eh?" says I, gawpin'. For he knew very well there wasn't any such thing.
His left eyelid does a slow flutter.
"The main works, you understand," he repeats. "And see that Lieutenant
Fothergill is well taken care of. You will find the limousine waiting."
"Yes, sir," says I. "I'm right behind you."
Course, if Mr. Robert had been there instead of off honeymoonin', this
would have been his job. He'd have towed Cecil to his club, fed him
Martinis and vintage stuff until he couldn't have told a 32-inch shell
from an ashcan; handed him a smooth spiel about capacity, strain tests,
shipping facilities, and so on, and dumped him at his hotel entirely
satisfied that all was well, without having been off Fifth Avenue.
The best I can do, though, is to steer him into a flossy Broadway grill,
shove him the wine-card with the menu, and tell him to go the limit.
He orders a pot of tea and a combination chop.
"Oh, say, have another guess," says I. "What's the matter with that
squab caserole and something in a silver ice-bucket?"
"Thank you, no," says he. "I--er--my nerves, you know."
I couldn't deny that he looked it, either. Such a high-strung, jumpy
party he is, always glancin' around suspicious. And that wanderin' store
eye of his, scoutin' about on its own hook independent of the other, sort
of adds to the general sleuthy effect. Kind of weird, too.
But I tries to forget that and get down to business.
"Surprisin' ain't it," says I, "how many of them shells can be turned out
by--"
"S-s-s-sh!" says he, glancin' cautious at the omnibus-boy comin' to set
up our table.
"Eh?" says I, after we've been supplied with rolls and sweet butter and
ice water. "Why the panic?"
"Spies!" he whispers husky.
"What, him?" says I, starin' after the innocent-lookin' party in the
white apron.
"There's no telling," says Cecil. "One can't be too careful. And it
will be best, I think, for you to address me simply as Mr. Fothergill.
As for the--er--goods you are producing, you might speak of them
as--er--hams, you know."
I expect I gawped at him some foolish. Think of springin' all that
mystery dope right on Broadway! And, as I'm none too anxious to talk
about shells anyway, we don't have such a chatty luncheon. I'm just as
satisfied. I wanted time to think what I should exhibit as the main
works.
That Bayonne plant wa'n't much to look at, just a few sheds and a spur
track. I hadn't been to the Yonkers foundry, but I had an idea it wa'n't
much more impressive. Course, there was the joint on East 153d Street.
I knew that well enough, for I'd helped negotiate the lease.
It had been run by a firm that was buildin' some new kind of marine
motors, but had gone broke. Used to be a stove works, I believe.
Anyway, it's only a two-story cement-block affair, jammed in between some
car-barns on one side and a brewery on the other. Hot proposition to
trot out as the big end of a six-million-dollar contract! But it was the
best I had to offer, and after the Lieutenant had finished his Oolong and
lighted a cigarette I loads him into the limousine again and we shoots
uptown.
"Here we are," says I, as we turns into a cross street just before it
ends in the East River. "The main works," and I waves my band around
casual.
"Ah, yes," says he, gettin' his eye on the tall brick stack of the
brewery and then lettin' his gaze roam across to the car-barns.
"Temporary quarters," says I. "Kind of miscellaneous, ain't they?
Here's the main entrance. Let's go in here first." And I steers him
through the office door of the middle buildin'. Then I hunts up the
superintendent.
"Just takin' a ramble through the works," says I. "Don't bother. We'll
find our way."
Some busy little scene it is, too, with all them lathes and things goin',
belts whirrin' overhead, and workmen in undershirts about as thick as
they could be placed.
I towed Cecil in and out of rooms, up and down stairs, until he must have
been dizzy, and ends by leadin' him into the yard.
"Storage sheds," says I, pointin' to the neat rows of shell-cases piled
from the ground to the roof. "And a dozen motor-trucks haulin' 'em away
all the time."
The Lieutenant he inspects some of 'em, lookin' wise; and then he walks
to the back, where there's a high board fence with barbed wire on top.
"What's over there?" says he.
"Blamed if I know," says I.
"It's rather important," says he. "Let's have a look."
I didn't get the connection, but I helped him shove a packin'-case up
against the fence, so he could climb up. For a minute or so he stares,
then he ducks down and beckons to me.
"I say," he whispers. "Come up here. Don't show your head. There!
What do you make of that?"
So I'm prepared for something tragic and thrillin'. But all I can see is
an old slate-roofed house, one of these weather-beaten, dormer-windowed
relics of the time when that part of town was still in the suburbs.
There's quite a big yard in the back, with a few scrubby old pear trees,
a double row of mangy box-bushes, and other traces of what must have been
a garden.
In the far corner is a crazy old summer-house with a saggin' roof and the
sides covered with tar paper. There's a door to it, fastened with a big
red padlock.
Standin' on the back porch of the house are two of the help, so I judged.
One is a square-built female with a stupid, heavy face, while the other
is a tall, skinny old girl with narrow-set eyes and a sharp nose.
"Well," says I, "where's your riot?"
"S-s-s-sh!" says he. "They're up to some mischief. One of them is
hiding something under her shawl. Watch."
Sure enough, the skinny one did have her left elbow stuck out, and there
was a bulge in the shawl.
"Looks like a case of emptyin' the ashes," says I.
"Or of placing a bomb," whispers the Lieutenant.
"Mooshwaw!" says I. "Bomb your aunt! What for should they--"
"Look now!" he breaks in. "There!"
They're advancin' in single file, slow and stealthy, and gazin' around
cautious. Mainly they seem to be watchin' the back fire-escapes of the
flat buildin' next door, but now and then one of 'em turns and glances
towards the old house they've just left. They make straight for the
shack in the corner of the yard, and in a minute more the fat one has
produced a key and is fumblin' with the red padlock.
She opens the door only far enough to let the slim one slip in, then
stands with her back against it, her eyes rollin' first one way and then
the other.
Two or three minutes the slim one was in there, then she slides out, the
door is locked, and she scuttles off towards the house, the wide one
waddlin' behind her.
"My word!" gasps the Lieutenant. "Right against the wing of your
factory, that shed is. And a bomb of that size would blow it into
match-wood."
"That's so," says I.
Course, we hadn't really seen any bomb; but, what with the odd notions of
them two females and the Lieutenant's panicky talk, I was feelin' almost
jumpy myself.
"A time-fuse, most likely," says he, "set for midnight. That should give
us several hours. We must find out who lives in that house."
"Ought to be simple," says I. "Come on."
We chases around the block and rings up the janitor of the flat buildin'.
He's a wrinkled, blear-eyed old pirate, just on his way to the corner
with a tin growler.
"Yah! You won't git in to sell him no books," says he, leerin' at us.
"Think so?" says I, displayin' a quarter temptin'. "Maybe if we had his
name, though, and knew something about him, we might--"
"It's Bauer," says the janitor, eyein' the two bits longin'. "Herman Z.
Bauer; a big brewer once, but now--yah, an old cripple. Gout, they say.
And mean as he is rich. See that high fence? He built that to shut off
our light--the swine! Bauer, his name is. You ask for Herman Bauer.
Maybe you get in."
"Thanks, old sport," says I, slippin' him the quarter. "Give him your
best regards, shall I?"
And as he goes off chucklin' the Lieutenant whispers hoarse:
"Hah! I knew it. Bauer, eh? And to-night he'll be sitting at one of
those back windows, his ears stuffed with cotton, watching to see your
plant blown up. We must have the constables here right away."
"On what charge?" says I. "That two of the kitchen maids was seen in
their own back yard? You know you can't spring that safety-of-the-realm
stuff over here. The police would only give us the laugh. We got to
have something definite to tell the sergeant. Let's go after it."
"But I say!" protests Cecil. "Just how, you know?"
"Not by stickin' here, anyway," says I. "Kick in and use your bean, is
my program. Come along and see what happens."
So first off we strolls past and has a look at the place. It's shut in
by a rusty iron fence with high spiked pickets. The house sets well back
from the sidewalk, and the front is nearly covered by some sort of vine.
At the side there are double gates openin' into a grass-grown driveway.
I was just noticin' that they was chained and locked when the Lieutenant
gives me a nudge and pulls me along by the coat sleeve. I gets a glimpse
of the square-built female waddlin' around the corner of the house. We
passes by innocent and hangs up in front of a plumbery shop, starin' in
at a fascinatin' display of one bathtub and a second-hand hot-water
boiler. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I could see her scout up
and down the street, unfasten the gate, and then disappear.
"Huh!" says I. "Kitchen company expected."
"Or more conspirators," adds Cecil. "By Jove! Isn't this one now?"
There's no denyin' he looked the part, this short-legged, long-armed,
heavy-podded gent with the greasy old derby tilted rakish over one ear.
Such a hard face he has, a reg'lar low-brow map, and a neck like a
choppin'-block. His stubby legs are sprung out at the knees, and his
arms have a good deal the same curve.
"Built like a dachshund, ain't he?" I remarks.
"Quite so," says Fothergill. "See, he's stopping. And he has a bundle
under one arm."
"Overalls," says I. "Plumber, maybe."
"Isn't that a knife-handle sticking out of the end of the bundle?" asks
the Lieutenant.
So it was; a butcher knife, at that. He has stopped opposite the double
gates and is scowlin' around. Then he glances quick at the house. A
side shutter opens just then and a dust-cloth is shaken vigorous. Seein'
which, he promptly pushes through the gates.
"Ha!" says the Lieutenant. "A signal. He'll be the one to attach the
fuse and light it, eh?"
Well, I admit that up to that time I hadn't been takin' all this very
serious, discountin' most of Cecil's suspicions as due to an over-worked
imagination. But now I'm beginnin' to feel thrills down my spine.
What if this was a bomb plot? Some sort of bunk was being put over
here--no gettin' away from that. And if one of our shell factories was
in danger of being dynamited, here was my cue to make a medal play,
wa'n't it?
"I am for telephoning the authorities at once," announces Cecil.
"Ah, you don't know our bonehead cops," says I. "Besides, if we can
block the game ourselves, what's the use? Let's get 'em in the act. I'm
going to pipe off our friend with the meat-knife."
"I--I've only a .34-caliber automatic with me," says the Lieutenant,
reachin' into his side pocket.
"Well, you don't want a machine-gun, do you?" says I. "And don't go
shootin' reckless. Here, lemme get on the other side. Close to the
house, now, on the grass, until we can get a peek around the--"
"S-s-s-sh!" says Cecil, grippin' my arm. He was strong on shushin' me
up, the Lieutenant was. This time, though, he had the right dope; for a
few steps more and we got a view of the back porch.
And there are the two maids, hand in hand, watchin' the motions of the
squatty gent, who is unlockin' the summer-house. He disappears inside.
At that Cecil just has to cut loose. Before I can stop him, he's stepped
out, pulled his gun, and is wavin' it at the two females.
"I say, now! Hands up! No nonsense," he orders.
"Howly saints!" wails the square-built party, clutchin' the slim one
desperate. "Maggie! Maggie!"
Maggie she's turned pale in the gills, her mouth is hangin' open, and her
eyes are bugged, but she ain't too scared to put up an argument.
"Have yez a warrant?" she demands. "Annyways, my Cousin Tim Fealey'll go
bail for us. An' if it was that Swede janitor next door made the
complaint on us I'll--"
"Woman!" breaks in the Lieutenant. "Don't you know that you have been
apprehended in a grave offense? You'd best tell all. Now, who put you
up to this? Your master, eh?"
"Howly saints! Mr. Bauer!" groans the fat one.
"For the love of the saints, don't tell him!" says Maggie. "Don't tell
Mr. Bauer, there's a dear. It was off'm Cousin Tim we got it."
"That miscreant in the shed there?" asks the Lieutenant.
"Him?" says Maggie. "Lord love ye, no. That's only Schwartzenberger,
from the slaughter-house. And please, Mister, it'll be gone the
mornin'--ivry bit gone."
"Oh, will it!" says Cecil sarcastic. "But you'll be in prison first."
"Wurra! Wurra!" moans the fat female. "Save us, Maggie! Let him have
it for the takin's."
"I will not, then," says Maggie. "Not if he's the president of the Board
of Health himself."
"Enough of this," says the Lieutenant. "Hands up, you bomb plotters!"
But about then I'd begun to acquire the hunch that we might be makin' a
slight mistake, and that it was time for me to crash in. Which I does.
"Excuse me," says I; "but maybe it would help, Maggie, if you'd say right
out what it is you've got in the shed there."
"What is ut?" says she, tossin' her head defiant. "As though you didn't
know! Well, it's a pig, then."
"A pig!" sneers the Lieutenant. "Very likely, that is!"
"Yez didn't think it was a hip-pot-ta-mus, did ye?" comes back Maggie.
"An' why should you be after botherin' us with your health
ordinances--two poor girls that has a chance to turn a few pennies, with
pork so dear? 'Look at all that good swill goin' to waste,' says I to
Katie here. 'An' who's to care if I do boil some extra praties now an'
then? Mr. Bauer's that rich, ain't he? An' what harm at all should
there be in raisin' one little shoat in th' back yard?' So there,
Mister! Do your worst. An' maybe it's only a warnin' I'll get from th'
justice when he hears how Schwartzenberger's killed and dressed and taken
him off before daylight. There he goes, the poor darlint! That's his
last squeal."
We didn't need to stretch our ears to catch it. I looks over at the
Lieutenant and grins foolish. But he wouldn't be satisfied until Maggie
had towed him out to view the remains. He's pink behind the ears when he
comes back, too.
"Please, Mister Inspector," says Maggie, "you'll not have us up this
time, will yez?"
"Bah!" says Cecil.
"Seein' it's you," says I, "he won't. Course, though, a report of this
plot of yours'll have to be made to the British War Office."
"Oh, I say now!" protests the Lieutenant.
And all the way down to his hotel he holds that vivid neck tint.
"Well," says Old Hickory, as I drifts back to the office, "did you and
the Lieutenant discover any serious plot of international character?"
"Sure thing!" says I. "We found a contraband Irish pig in Herman Bauer's
back yard.
"Wha-a-at?" he demands.
"If the pig had been a bomb, and its tail a time-fuse," says I, "it would
have wrecked our main works. As it, is, we've had a narrow escape. But
I don't think Cecil will bother us any more. He's too good for the army,
anyway. He ought to be writin' for the movies."