The history of a philosophic vagabond, pursuing novelty, but losing
content.
After we had supped, Mrs Arnold politely offered to send a couple of
her footmen for my son’s baggage, which he at first seemed to decline;
but upon her pressing the request, he was obliged to inform her, that a
stick and a wallet were all the moveable things upon this earth that he
could boast of. ‘Why, aye my son,’ cried I, ‘you left me but poor, and
poor I find you are come back; and yet I make no doubt you have seen a
great deal of the world.’—‘Yes, Sir,’ replied my son, ‘but travelling
after fortune, is not the way to secure her; and, indeed, of late, I
have desisted from the pursuit.’—‘I fancy, Sir,’ cried Mrs Arnold,
‘that the account of your adventures would be amusing: the first part
of them I have often heard from my niece; but could the company prevail
for the rest, it would be an additional obligation.’—‘Madam,’ replied
my son, ‘I promise you the pleasure you have in hearing, will not be
half so great as my vanity in repeating them; and yet in the whole
narrative I can scarce promise you one adventure, as my account is
rather of what I saw than what I did. The first misfortune of my life,
which you all know, was great; but tho’ it distrest, it could not sink
me. No person ever had a better knack at hoping than I. The less kind I
found fortune at one time, the more I expected from her another, and
being now at the bottom of her wheel, every new revolution might lift,
but could not depress me. I proceeded, therefore, towards London in a
fine morning, no way uneasy about tomorrow, but chearful as the birds
that caroll’d by the road, and comforted myself with reflecting that
London was the mart where abilities of every kind were sure of meeting
distinction and reward.
‘Upon my arrival in town, Sir, my first care was to deliver your letter
of recommendation to our cousin, who was himself in little better
circumstances than I. My first scheme, you know, Sir, was to be usher
at an academy, and I asked his advice on the affair. Our cousin
received the proposal with a true Sardonic grin. Aye, cried he, this is
indeed a very pretty career, that has been chalked out for you. I have
been an usher at a boarding school myself; and may I die by an anodyne
necklace, but I had rather be an under turnkey in Newgate. I was up
early and late: I was brow-beat by the master, hated for my ugly face
by the mistress, worried by the boys within, and never permitted to
stir out to meet civility abroad. But are you sure you are fit for a
school? Let me examine you a little. Have you been bred apprentice to
the business? No. Then you won’t do for a school. Can you dress the
boys hair? No. Then you won’t do for a school. Have you had the
small-pox? No. Then you won’t do for a school. Can you lie three in a
bed? No. Then you will never do for a school. Have you got a good
stomach? Yes. Then you will by no means do for a school. No, Sir, if
you are for a genteel easy profession, bind yourself seven years as an
apprentice to turn a cutler’s wheel; but avoid a school by any means.
Yet come, continued he, I see you are a lad of spirit and some
learning, what do you think of commencing author, like me? You have
read in books, no doubt, of men of genius starving at the trade: At
present I’ll shew you forty very dull fellows about town that live by
it in opulence. All honest joggtrot men, who go on smoothly and dully,
and write history and politics, and are praised; men, Sir, who, had
they been bred coblers, would all their lives have only mended shoes,
but never made them.
‘Finding that there was no great degree of gentility affixed to the
character of an usher, I resolved to accept his proposal; and having
the highest respect for literature, hailed the antiqua mater of
Grub-street with reverence. I thought it my glory to pursue a track
which Dryden and Otway trod before me. I considered the goddess of this
region as the parent of excellence; and however an intercourse with the
world might give us good sense, the poverty she granted I supposed to
be the nurse of genius! Big with these reflections, I sate down, and
finding that the best things remained to be said on the wrong side, I
resolved to write a book that should be wholly new. I therefore drest
up three paradoxes with some ingenuity. They were false, indeed, but
they were new. The jewels of truth have been so often imported by
others, that nothing was left for me to import but some splendid things
that at a distance looked every bit as well. Witness you powers what
fancied importance sate perched upon my quill while I was writing. The
whole learned world, I made no doubt, would rise to oppose my systems;
but then I was prepared to oppose the whole learned world. Like the
porcupine I sate self collected, with a quill pointed against every
opposer.’
‘Well said, my boy,’ cried I, ‘and what subject did you treat upon? I
hope you did not pass over the importance of Monogamy. But I interrupt,
go on; you published your paradoxes; well, and what did the learned
world say to your paradoxes?’
‘Sir,’ replied my son, ‘the learned world said nothing to my paradoxes;
nothing at all, Sir. Every man of them was employed in praising his
friends and himself, or condemning his enemies; and unfortunately, as I
had neither, I suffered the cruellest mortification, neglect.
‘As I was meditating one day in a coffee-house on the fate of my
paradoxes, a little man happening to enter the room, placed himself in
the box before me, and after some preliminary discourse, finding me to
be a scholar, drew out a bundle of proposals, begging me to subscribe
to a new edition he was going to give the world of Propertius, with
notes. This demand necessarily produced a reply that I had no money;
and that concession led him to enquire into the nature of my
expectations. Finding that my expectations were just as great as my
purse, I see, cried he, you are unacquainted with the town, I’ll teach
you a part of it. Look at these proposals, upon these very proposals I
have subsisted very comfortably for twelve years. The moment a nobleman
returns from his travels, a Creolian arrives from Jamaica, or a dowager
from her country seat, I strike for a subscription. I first besiege
their hearts with flattery, and then pour in my proposals at the
breach. If they subscribe readily the first time, I renew my request to
beg a dedication fee. If they let me have that, I smite them once more
for engraving their coat of arms at the top. Thus, continued he, I live
by vanity, and laugh at it. But between ourselves, I am now too well
known, I should be glad to borrow your face a bit: a nobleman of
distinction has just returned from Italy; my face is familiar to his
porter; but if you bring this copy of verses, my life for it you
succeed, and we divide the spoil.’
‘Bless us, George,’ cried I, ‘and is this the employment of poets now!
Do men of their exalted talents thus stoop to beggary! Can they so far
disgrace their calling, as to make a vile traffic of praise for bread?’
‘O no, Sir,’ returned he, ‘a true poet can never be so base; for
wherever there is genius there is pride. The creatures I now describe
are only beggars in rhyme. The real poet, as he braves every hardship
for fame, so he is equally a coward to contempt, and none but those who
are unworthy protection condescend to solicit it.
‘Having a mind too proud to stoop to such indignities, and yet a
fortune too humble to hazard a second attempt for fame, I was now,
obliged to take a middle course, and write for bread. But I was
unqualified for a profession where mere industry alone was to ensure
success. I could not suppress my lurking passion for applause; but
usually consumed that time in efforts after excellence which takes up
but little room, when it should have been more advantageously employed
in the diffusive productions of fruitful mediocrity. My little piece
would therefore come forth in the midst of periodical publications,
unnoticed and unknown. The public were more importantly employed, than
to observe the easy simplicity of my style, of the harmony of my
periods. Sheet after sheet was thrown off to oblivion. My essays were
buried among the essays upon liberty, eastern tales, and cures for the
bite of a mad dog; while Philautos, Philalethes, Philelutheros, and
Philanthropos, all wrote better, because they wrote faster, than I.
‘Now, therefore, I began to associate with none but disappointed
authors, like myself, who praised, deplored, and despised each other.
The satisfaction we found in every celebrated writer’s attempts, was
inversely as their merits. I found that no genius in another could
please me. My unfortunate paradoxes had entirely dried up that source
of comfort. I could neither read nor write with satisfaction; for
excellence in another was my aversion, and writing was my trade.
‘In the midst of these gloomy reflections, as I was one day sitting on
a bench in St James’s park, a young gentleman of distinction, who had
been my intimate acquaintance at the university, approached me. We
saluted each other with some hesitation, he almost ashamed of being
known to one who made so shabby an appearance, and I afraid of a
repulse. But my suspicions soon vanished; for Ned Thornhill was at the
bottom a very good-natured fellow.
‘What did you say, George?’ interrupted I. ‘Thornhill, was not that his
name? It can certainly be no other than my landlord.’—‘Bless me,’ cried
Mrs Arnold, ‘is Mr Thornhill so near a neighbour of yours? He has long
been a friend in our family, and we expect a visit from him shortly.’
‘My friend’s first care,’ continued my son, ‘was to alter my appearance
by a very fine suit of his own cloaths, and then I was admitted to his
table upon the footing of half-friend, half-underling. My business was
to attend him at auctions, to put him in spirits when he sate for his
picture, to take the left hand in his chariot when not filled by
another, and to assist at tattering a kip, as the phrase was, when we
had a mind for a frolic. Beside this, I had twenty other little
employments in the family. I was to do many small things without
bidding; to carry the cork screw; to stand godfather to all the
butler’s children; to sing when I was bid; to be never out of humour;
always to be humble, and, if I could, to be very happy.
‘In this honourable post, however, I was not without a rival. A captain
of marines, who was formed for the place by nature, opposed me in my
patron’s affections. His mother had been laundress to a man of quality,
and thus he early acquired a taste for pimping and pedigree. As this
gentleman made it the study of his life to be acquainted with lords,
though he was dismissed from several for his stupidity; yet he found
many of them who were as dull as himself, that permitted his
assiduities. As flattery was his trade, he practised it with the
easiest address imaginable; but it came aukward and stiff from me; and
as every day my patron’s desire of flattery encreased, so every hour
being better acquainted with his defects, I became more unwilling to
give it. Thus I was once more fairly going to give up the field to the
captain, when my friend found occasion for my assistance. This was
nothing less than to fight a duel for him, with a gentleman whose
sister it was pretended he had used ill. I readily complied with his
request, and tho’ I see you are displeased at my conduct, yet as it was
a debt indispensably due to friendship, I could not refuse. I undertook
the affair, disarmed my antagonist, and soon after had the pleasure of
finding that the lady was only a woman of the town, and the fellow her
bully and a sharper. This piece of service was repaid with the warmest
professions of gratitude; but as my friend was to leave town in a few
days, he knew no other method of serving me, but by recommending me to
his uncle Sir William Thornhill, and another nobleman of great
distinction, who enjoyed a post under the government. When he was gone,
my first care was to carry his recommendatory letter to his uncle, a
man whose character for every virtue was universal, yet just. I was
received by his servants with the most hospitable smiles; for the looks
of the domestics ever transmit their master’s benevolence. Being shewn
into a grand apartment, where Sir William soon came to me, I delivered
my message and letter, which he read, and after pausing some minutes,
Pray, Sir, cried he, inform me what you have done for my kinsman, to
deserve this warm recommendation? But I suppose, Sir, I guess your
merits, you have fought for him; and so you would expect a reward from
me, for being the instrument of his vices. I wish, sincerely wish, that
my present refusal may be some punishment for your guilt; but still
more, that it may be some inducement to your repentance.—The severity
of this rebuke I bore patiently, because I knew it was just. My whole
expectations now, therefore, lay in my letter to the great man. As the
doors of the nobility are almost ever beset with beggars, all ready to
thrust in some sly petition, I found it no easy matter to gain
admittance. However, after bribing the servants with half my worldly
fortune, I was at last shewn into a spacious apartment, my letter being
previously sent up for his lordship’s inspection. During this anxious
interval I had full time to look round me. Every thing was grand, and
of happy contrivance: the paintings, the furniture, the gildings,
petrified me with awe, and raised my idea of the owner. Ah, thought I
to myself, how very great must the possessor of all these things be,
who carries in his head the business of the state, and whose house
displays half the wealth of a kingdom: sure his genius must be
unfathomable! During these awful reflections I heard a step come
heavily forward. Ah, this is the great man himself! No, it was only a
chambermaid. Another foot was heard soon after. This must be He! No, it
was only the great man’s valet de chambre. At last his lordship
actually made his appearance. Are you, cried he, the bearer of this
here letter? I answered with a bow. I learn by this, continued he, as
how that—But just at that instant a servant delivered him a card, and
without taking farther notice, he went out of the room, and left me to
digest my own happiness at leisure. I saw no more of him, till told by
a footman that his lordship was going to his coach at the door. Down I
immediately followed, and joined my voice to that of three or four
more, who came, like me, to petition for favours. His lordship,
however, went too fast for us, and was gaining his Chariot door with
large strides, when I hallowed out to know if I was to have any reply.
He was by this time got in, and muttered an answer, half of which only
I heard, the other half was lost in the rattling of his chariot wheels.
I stood for some time with my neck stretched out, in the posture of one
that was listening to catch the glorious sounds, till looking round me,
I found myself alone at his lordship’s gate.
‘My patience,’ continued my son, ‘was now quite exhausted: stung with
the thousand indignities I had met with, I was willing to cast myself
away, and only wanted the gulph to receive me. I regarded myself as one
of those vile things that nature designed should be thrown by into her
lumber room, there to perish in obscurity. I had still, however, half a
guinea left, and of that I thought fortune herself should not deprive
me: but in order to be sure of this, I was resolved to go instantly and
spend it while I had it, and then trust to occurrences for the rest. As
I was going along with this resolution, it happened that Mr Cripse’s
office seemed invitingly open to give me a welcome reception. In this
office Mr Cripse kindly offers all his majesty’s subjects a generous
promise of 30 pounds a year, for which promise all they give in return
is their liberty for life, and permission to let him transport them to
America as slaves. I was happy at finding a place where I could lose my
fears in desperation, and entered this cell, for it had the appearance
of one, with the devotion of a monastic. Here I found a number of poor
creatures, all in circumstances like myself, expecting the arrival of
Mr Cripse, presenting a true epitome of English impatience. Each
untractable soul at variance with fortune, wreaked her injuries on
their own hearts: but Mr Cripse at last came down, and all our murmurs
were hushed. He deigned to regard me with an air of peculiar
approbation, and indeed he was the first man who for a month past
talked to me with smiles. After a few questions, he found I was fit for
every thing in the world. He paused a while upon the properest means of
providing for me, and slapping his forehead, as if he had found it,
assured me, that there was at that time an embassy talked of from the
synod of Pensylvania to the Chickasaw Indians, and that he would use
his interest to get me made secretary. I knew in my own heart that the
fellow lied, and yet his promise gave me pleasure, there was something
so magnificent in the sound. I fairly, therefore, divided my half
guinea, one half of which went to be added to his thirty thousand
pound, and with the other half I resolved to go to the next tavern, to
be there more happy than he.
‘As I was going out with that resolution, I was met at the door by the
captain of a ship, with whom I had formerly some little acquaintance,
and he agreed to be my companion over a bowl of punch. As I never chose
to make a secret of my circumstances, he assured me that I was upon the
very point of ruin, in listening to the office-keeper’s promises; for
that he only designed to sell me to the plantations. But, continued he,
I fancy you might, by a much shorter voyage, be very easily put into a
genteel way of bread. Take my advice. My ship sails to-morrow for
Amsterdam; What if you go in her as a passenger? The moment you land
all you have to do is to teach the Dutchmen English, and I’ll warrant
you’ll get pupils and money enough. I suppose you understand English,
added he, by this time, or the deuce is in it. I confidently assured
him of that; but expressed a doubt whether the Dutch would be willing
to learn English. He affirmed with an oath that they were fond of it to
distraction; and upon that affirmation I agreed with his proposal, and
embarked the next day to teach the Dutch English in Holland. The wind
was fair, our voyage short, and after having paid my passage with half
my moveables, I found myself, fallen as from the skies, a stranger in
one of the principal streets of Amsterdam. In this situation I was
unwilling to let any time pass unemployed in teaching. I addressed
myself therefore to two or three of those I met whose appearance seemed
most promising; but it was impossible to make ourselves mutually
understood. It was not till this very moment I recollected, that in
order to teach Dutchmen English, it was necessary that they should
first teach me Dutch. How I came to overlook so obvious an objection,
is to me amazing; but certain it is I overlooked it.
‘This scheme thus blown up, I had some thoughts of fairly shipping back
to England again; but happening into company with an Irish student, who
was returning from Louvain, our conversation turning upon topics of
literature, (for by the way it may be observed that I always forgot the
meanness of my circumstances when I could converse upon such subjects)
from him I learned that there were not two men in his whole university
who understood Greek. This amazed me. I instantly resolved to travel to
Louvain, and there live by teaching Greek; and in this design I was
heartened by my brother student, who threw out some hints that a
fortune might be got by it.
‘I set boldly forward the next morning. Every day lessened the burthen
of my moveables, like Æsop and his basket of bread; for I paid them for
my lodgings to the Dutch as I travelled on. When I came to Louvain, I
was resolved not to go sneaking to the lower professors, but openly
tendered my talents to the principal himself. I went, had admittance,
and offered him my service as a master of the Greek language, which I
had been told was a desideratum in his university. The principal seemed
at first to doubt of my abilities; but of these I offered to convince
him, by turning a part of any Greek author he should fix upon into
Latin. Finding me perfectly earnest in my proposal, he addressed me
thus: You see me, young man, continued he, I never learned Greek, and I
don’t find that I have ever missed it. I have had a doctor’s cap and
gown without Greek: I have ten thousand florins a year without Greek; I
eat heartily without Greek, and in short, continued he, as I don’t know
Greek, I do not believe there is any good in it.
‘I was now too far from home to think of returning; so I resolved to go
forward. I had some knowledge of music, with a tolerable voice, and now
turned what was once my amusement into a present means of subsistence.
I passed among the harmless peasants of Flanders, and among such of the
French as were poor enough to be very merry; for I ever found them
sprightly in proportion to their wants. Whenever I approached a
peasant’s house towards night-fall, I played one of my most merry
tunes, and that procured me not only a lodging, but subsistence for the
next day. I once or twice attempted to play for people of fashion; but
they always thought my performance odious, and never rewarded me even
with a trifle. This was to me the more extraordinary, as whenever I
used in better days to play for company, when playing was my amusement,
my music never failed to throw them into raptures, and the ladies
especially; but as it was now my only means, it was received with
contempt: a proof how ready the world is to under rate those talents by
which a man is supported.
‘In this manner I proceeded to Paris, with no design but just to look
about me, and then to go forward. The people of Paris are much fonder
of strangers that have money, than of those that have wit. As I could
not boast much of either, I was no great favourite. After walking about
the town four or five days, and seeing the outsides of the best houses,
I was preparing to leave this retreat of venal hospitality, when
passing through one of the principal streets, whom should I meet but
our cousin, to whom you first recommended me. This meeting was very
agreeable to me, and I believe not displeasing to him. He enquired into
the nature of my journey to Paris, and informed me of his own business
there, which was to collect pictures, medals, intaglios, and antiques
of all kinds, for a gentleman in London, who had just stept into taste
and a large fortune. I was the more surprised at seeing our cousin
pitched upon for this office, as he himself had often assured me he
knew nothing of the matter. Upon my asking how he had been taught the
art of a connoscento so very suddenly, he assured me that nothing was
more easy. The whole secret consisted in a strict adherence to two
rules: the one always to observe, that the picture might have been
better if the painter had taken more pains; and the other, to praise
the works of Pietro Perugino. But, says he, as I once taught you how to
be an author in London, I’ll now undertake to instruct you in the art
of picture buying at Paris.
‘With this proposal I very readily closed, as it was a living, and now
all my ambition was to live. I went therefore to his lodgings, improved
my dress by his assistance, and after some time, accompanied him to
auctions of pictures, where the English gentry were expected to be
purchasers. I was not a little surprised at his intimacy with people of
the best fashion, who referred themselves to his judgment upon every
picture or medal, as to an unerring standard of taste. He made very
good use of my assistance upon these occasions; for when asked his
opinion, he would gravely take me aside, and ask mine, shrug, look
wise, return, and assure the company, that he could give no opinion
upon an affair of so much importance. Yet there was sometimes an
occasion for a more supported assurance. I remember to have seen him,
after giving his opinion that the colouring of a picture was not mellow
enough, very deliberately take a brush with brown varnish, that was
accidentally lying by, and rub it over the piece with great composure
before all the company, and then ask if he had not improved the tints.
‘When he had finished his commission in Paris, he left me strongly
recommended to several men of distinction, as a person very proper for
a travelling tutor; and after some time I was employed in that capacity
by a gentleman who brought his ward to Paris, in order to set him
forward on his tour through Europe. I was to be the young gentleman’s
governor, but with a proviso that he should always be permitted to
govern himself. My pupil in fact understood the art of guiding in money
concerns much better than I. He was heir to a fortune of about two
hundred thousand pounds, left him by an uncle in the West Indies; and
his guardians, to qualify him for the management of it, had bound him
apprentice to an attorney. Thus avarice was his prevailing passion: all
his questions on the road were how money might be saved, which was the
least expensive course of travel; whether any thing could be bought
that would turn to account when disposed of again in London. Such
curiosities on the way as could be seen for nothing he was ready enough
to look at; but if the sight of them was to be paid for, he usually
asserted that he had been told they were not worth seeing. He never
paid a bill, that he would not observe, how amazingly expensive
travelling was, and all this though he was not yet twenty-one. When
arrived at Leghorn, as we took a walk to look at the port and shipping,
he enquired the expence of the passage by sea home to England. This he
was informed was but a trifle, compared to his returning by land, he
was therefore unable to withstand the temptation; so paying me the
small part of my salary that was due, he took leave, and embarked with
only one attendant for London.
‘I now therefore was left once more upon the world at large, but then
it was a thing I was used to. However my skill in music could avail me
nothing in a country where every peasant was a better musician than I;
but by this time I had acquired another talent, which answered my
purpose as well, and this was a skill in disputation. In all the
foreign universities and convents, there are upon certain days
philosophical theses maintained against every adventitious disputant;
for which, if the champion opposes with any dexterity, he can claim a
gratuity in money, a dinner, and a bed, for one night. In this manner
therefore I fought my way towards England, walked along from city to
city, examined mankind more nearly, and, if I may so express it, saw
both sides of the picture. My remarks, however, are but few: I found
that monarchy was the best government for the poor to live in, and
commonwealths for the rich. I found that riches in general were in
every country another name for freedom; and that no man is so fond of
liberty himself as not to be desirous of subjecting the will of some
individuals in society to his own.
‘Upon my arrival in England, I resolved to pay my respects first to
you, and then to enlist as a volunteer in the first expedition that was
going forward; but on my journey down my resolutions were changed, by
meeting an old acquaintance, who I found belonged to a company of
comedians, that were going to make a summer campaign in the country.
The company seemed not much to disapprove of me for an associate. They
all, however, apprized me of the importance of the task at which I
aimed; that the public was a many headed monster, and that only such as
had very good heads could please it: that acting was not to be learnt
in a day; and that without some traditional shrugs, which had been on
the stage, and only on the stage, these hundred years, I could never
pretend to please. The next difficulty was in fitting me with parts, as
almost every character was in keeping. I was driven for some time from
one character to another, till at last Horatio was fixed upon, which
the presence of the present company has happily hindered me from
acting.’