The family use art, which is opposed with, still greater.
Whatever might have been Sophia’s sensations, the rest of the family
was easily consoled for Mr Burchell’s absence by the company of our
landlord, whose visits now became more frequent and longer. Though he
had been disappointed in procuring my daughters the amusements of the
town, as he designed, he took every opportunity of supplying them with
those little recreations which our retirement would admit of. He
usually came in the morning, and while my son and I followed our
occupations abroad, he sat with the family at home, and amused them by
describing the town, with every part of which he was particularly
acquainted. He could repeat all the observations that were retailed in
the atmosphere of the playhouses, and had all the good things of the
high wits by rote long before they made way into the jest-books. The
intervals between conversation were employed in teaching my daughters
piquet, or sometimes in setting my two little ones to box to make them
_sharp_, as he called it: but the hopes of having him for a son-in-law,
in some measure blinded us to all his imperfections. It must be owned
that my wife laid a thousand schemes to entrap him, or, to speak it
more tenderly, used every art to magnify the merit of her daughter. If
the cakes at tea eat short and crisp, they were made by Olivia: if the
gooseberry wine was well knit, the gooseberries were of her gathering:
it was her fingers which gave the pickles their peculiar green; and in
the composition of a pudding, it was her judgment that mix’d the
ingredients. Then the poor woman would sometimes tell the ’Squire, that
she thought him and Olivia extremely of a size, and would bid both
stand up to see which was tallest. These instances of cunning, which
she thought impenetrable, yet which every body saw through, were very
pleasing to our benefactor, who gave every day some new proofs of his
passion, which though they had not arisen to proposals of marriage, yet
we thought fell but little short of it; and his slowness was attributed
sometimes to native bashfulness, and sometimes to his fear of offending
his uncle. An occurrence, however, which happened soon after, put it
beyond a doubt that he designed to become one of our family, my wife
even regarded it as an absolute promise.
My wife and daughters happening to return a visit to neighbour
Flamborough’s, found that family had lately got their pictures drawn by
a limner, who travelled the country, and took likenesses for fifteen
shillings a head. As this family and ours had long a sort of rivalry in
point of taste, our spirit took the alarm at this stolen march upon us,
and notwithstanding all I could say, and I said much, it was resolved
that we should have our pictures done too. Having, therefore, engaged
the limner, for what could I do? our next deliberation was to shew the
superiority of our taste in the attitudes. As for our neighbour’s
family, there were seven of them, and they were drawn with seven
oranges, a thing quite out of taste, no variety in life, no composition
in the world. We desired to have something in a brighter style, and,
after many debates, at length came to an unanimous resolution of being
drawn together, in one large historical family piece. This would be
cheaper, since one frame would serve for all, and it would be
infinitely more genteel; for all families of any taste were now drawn
in the same manner. As we did not immediately recollect an historical
subject to hit us, we were contented each with being drawn as
independent historical figures. My wife desired to be represented as
Venus, and the painter was desired not to be too frugal of his diamonds
in her stomacher and hair. Her two little ones were to be as Cupids by
her side, while I, in my gown and band, was to present her with my
books on the Whistonian controversy. Olivia would be drawn as an
Amazon, sitting upon a bank of flowers, drest in a green joseph, richly
laced with gold, and a whip in her hand. Sophia was to be a
shepherdess, with as many sheep as the painter could put in for
nothing; and Moses was to be drest out with an hat and white feather.
Our taste so much pleased the ’Squire, that he insisted on being put in
as one of the family in the character of Alexander the great, at
Olivia’s feet. This was considered by us all as an indication of his
desire to be introduced into the family, nor could we refuse his
request. The painter was therefore set to work, and as he wrought with
assiduity and expedition, in less than four days the whole was
compleated. The piece was large, and it must be owned he did not spare
his colours; for which my wife gave him great encomiums. We were all
perfectly satisfied with his performance; but an unfortunate
circumstance had not occurred till the picture was finished, which now
struck us with dismay. It was so very large that we had no place in the
house to fix it. How we all came to disregard so material a point is
inconceivable; but certain it is, we had been all greatly remiss. The
picture, therefore, instead of gratifying our vanity, as we hoped,
leaned, in a most mortifying manner, against the kitchen wall, where
the canvas was stretched and painted, much too large to be got through
any of the doors, and the jest of all our neighhours. One compared it
to Robinson Crusoe’s long-boat, too large to be removed; another
thought it more resembled a reel in a bottle; some wondered how it
could be got out, but still more were amazed how it ever got in.
But though it excited the ridicule of some, it effectually raised more
malicious suggestions in many. The ’Squire’s portrait being found
united with ours, was an honour too great to escape envy. Scandalous
whispers began to circulate at our expence, and our tranquility was
continually disturbed by persons who came as friends to tell us what
was said of us by enemies. These reports we always resented with
becoming spirit; but scandal ever improves by opposition.
We once again therefore entered into a consultation upon obviating the
malice of our enemies, and at last came to a resolution which had too
much cunning to give me entire satisfaction. It was this: as our
principal object was to discover the honour of Mr Thornhill’s
addresses, my wife undertook to sound him, by pretending to ask his
advice in the choice of an husband for her eldest daughter. If this was
not found sufficient to induce him to a declaration, it was then
resolved to terrify him with a rival. To this last step, however, I
would by no means give my consent, till Olivia gave me the most solemn
assurances that she would marry the person provided to rival him upon
this occasion, if he did not prevent it, by taking her himself. Such
was the scheme laid, which though I did not strenuously oppose, I did
not entirely approve.
The next time, therefore, that Mr Thornhill came to see us, my girls
took care to be out of the way, in order to give their mamma an
opportunity of putting her scheme in execution; but they only retired
to the next room, from whence they could over-hear the whole
conversation: My wife artfully introduced it, by observing, that one of
the Miss Flamboroughs was like to have a very good match of it in Mr
Spanker. To this the ’Squire assenting, she proceeded to remark, that
they who had warm fortunes were always sure of getting good husbands:
‘But heaven help,’ continued she, ‘the girls that have none. What
signifies beauty, Mr Thornhill? or what signifies all the virtue, and
all the qualifications in the world, in this age of self-interest? It
is not, what is she? but what has she? is all the cry.’
‘Madam,’ returned he, ‘I highly approve the justice, as well as the
novelty, of your remarks, and if I were a king, it should be otherwise.
It should then, indeed, be fine times with the girls without fortunes:
our two young ladies should be the first for whom I would provide.’
‘Ah, Sir!’ returned my wife, ‘you are pleased to be facetious: but I
wish I were a queen, and then I know where my eldest daughter should
look for an husband. But now, that you have put it into my head,
seriously Mr Thornhill, can’t you recommend me a proper husband for
her? She is now nineteen years old, well grown and well educated, and,
in my humble opinion, does not want for parts.’ ‘Madam,’ replied he,
‘if I were to chuse, I would find out a person possessed of every
accomplishment that can make an angel happy. One with prudence,
fortune, taste, and sincerity, such, madam, would be, in my opinion,
the proper husband.’ ‘Ay, Sir,’ said she, ‘but do you know of any such
person?’—‘No, madam,’ returned he, ‘it is impossible to know any person
that deserves to be her husband: she’s too great a treasure for one
man’s possession: she’s a goddess. Upon my soul, I speak what I think,
she’s an angel.’—‘Ah, Mr Thornhill, you only flatter my poor girl: but
we have been thinking of marrying her to one of your tenants, whose
mother is lately dead, and who wants a manager: you know whom I mean,
farmer Williams; a warm man, Mr Thornhill, able to give her good bread;
and who has several times made her proposals: (which was actually the
case) but, Sir,’ concluded she, ‘I should be glad to have your
approbation of our choice.’—‘How, madam,’ replied he, ‘my approbation!
My approbation of such a choice! Never. What! Sacrifice so much beauty,
and sense, and goodness, to a creature insensible of the blessing!
Excuse me, I can never approve of such a piece of injustice And I have
my reasons!’—‘Indeed, Sir,’ cried Deborah, ‘if you have your reasons,
that’s another affair; but I should be glad to know those
reasons.’—‘Excuse me, madam,’ returned he, ‘they lie too deep for
discovery: (laying his hand upon his bosom) they remain buried,
rivetted here.’
After he was gone, upon general consultation, we could not tell what to
make of these fine sentiments. Olivia considered them as instances of
the most exalted passion; but I was not quite so sanguine: it seemed to
me pretty plain, that they had more of love than matrimony in them:
yet, whatever they might portend, it was resolved to prosecute the
scheme of farmer Williams, who, from my daughter’s first appearance in
the country, had paid her his addresses.