Fortune seems resolved to humble the family of Wakefield.
Mortifications are often more painful than real calamities.
When we were returned home, the night was dedicated to schemes of
future conquest. Deborah exerted much sagacity in conjecturing which of
the two girls was likely to have the best place, and most opportunities
of seeing good company. The only obstacle to our preferment was in
obtaining the ’Squire’s recommendation; but he had already shewn us too
many instances of his friendship to doubt of it now. Even in bed my
wife kept up the usual theme: ‘Well, faith, my dear Charles, between
ourselves, I think we have made an excellent day’s work of it.’—‘Pretty
well,’ cried I, not knowing what to say.—‘What only pretty well!’
returned she. ‘I think it is very well. Suppose the girls should come
to make acquaintances of taste in town! This I am assured of, that
London is the only place in the world for all manner of husbands.
Besides, my dear, stranger things happen every day: and as ladies of
quality are so taken with my daughters, what will not men of quality
be! Entre nous, I protest I like my Lady Blarney vastly, so very
obliging. However, Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia Skeggs has my warm
heart. But yet, when they came to talk of places in town, you saw at
once how I nailed them. Tell me, my dear, don’t you think I did for my
children there?’—‘Ay,’ returned I, not knowing well what to think of
the matter, ‘heaven grant they may be both the better for it this day
three months!’ This was one of those observations I usually made to
impress my wife with an opinion of my sagacity; for if the girls
succeeded, then it was a pious wish fulfilled; but if any thing
unfortunate ensued, then it might be looked upon as a prophecy. All
this conversation, however, was only preparatory to another scheme, and
indeed I dreaded as much. This was nothing less than, that as we were
now to hold up our heads a little higher in the world, it would be
proper to sell the Colt, which was grown old, at a neighbouring fair,
and buy us an horse that would carry single or double upon an occasion,
and make a pretty appearance at church or upon a visit. This at first I
opposed stoutly; but it was as stoutly defended. However, as I
weakened, my antagonist gained strength, till at last it was resolved
to part with him.
As the fair happened on the following day, I had intentions of going
myself, but my wife persuaded me that I had got a cold, and nothing
could prevail upon her to permit me from home. ‘No, my dear,’ said she,
‘our son Moses is a discreet boy, and can buy and sell to very good
advantage; you know all our great bargains are of his purchasing. He
always stands out and higgles, and actually tires them till he gets a
bargain.’
As I had some opinion of my son’s prudence, I was willing enough to
entrust him with this commission; and the next morning I perceived his
sisters mighty busy in fitting out Moses for the fair; trimming his
hair, brushing his buckles, and cocking his hat with pins. The business
of the toilet being over, we had at last the satisfaction of seeing him
mounted upon the Colt, with a deal box before him to bring home
groceries in. He had on a coat made of that cloth they call thunder and
lightning, which, though grown too short, was much too good to be
thrown away. His waistcoat was of gosling green, and his sisters had
tied his hair with a broad black ribband. We all followed him several
paces, from the door, bawling after him good luck, good luck, till we
could see him no longer.
He was scarce gone, when Mr Thornhill’s butler came to congratulate us
upon our good fortune, saying, that he overheard his young master
mention our names with great commendation.
Good fortune seemed resolved not to come alone. Another footman from
the same family followed, with a card for my daughters, importing, that
the two ladies had received such pleasing accounts from Mr Thornhill of
us all, that, after a few previous enquiries, they hoped to be
perfectly satisfied. ‘Ay,’ cried my wife, I now see it is no easy
matter to get into the families of the great; but when one once gets
in, then, as Moses says, one may go sleep.’ To this piece of humour,
for she intended it for wit, my daughters assented with a loud laugh of
pleasure. In short, such was her satisfaction at this message, that she
actually put her hand in her pocket, and gave the messenger seven-pence
halfpenny.
This was to be our visiting-day. The next that came was Mr Burchell,
who had been at the fair. He brought my little ones a pennyworth of
gingerbread each, which my wife undertook to keep for them, and give
them by letters at a time. He brought my daughters also a couple of
boxes, in which they might keep wafers, snuff, patches, or even money,
when they got it. My wife was usually fond of a weasel-skin purse, as
being the most lucky; but this by the bye. We had still a regard for Mr
Burchell, though his late rude behaviour was in some measure
displeasing; nor could we now avoid communicating our happiness to him,
and asking his advice: although we seldom followed advice, we were all
ready enough to ask it. When he read the note from the two ladies, he
shook his head, and observed, that an affair of this sort demanded the
utmost circumspection.—This air of diffidence highly displeased my
wife. ‘I never doubted, Sir,’ cried she, ‘your readiness to be against
my daughters and me. You have more circumspection than is wanted.
However, I fancy when we come to ask advice, we will apply to persons
who seem to have made use of it themselves.’—‘Whatever my own conduct
may have been, madam,’ replied he, ‘is not the present question; tho’
as I have made no use of advice myself, I should in conscience give it
to those that will.’—As I was apprehensive this answer might draw on a
repartee, making up by abuse what it wanted in wit, I changed the
subject, by seeming to wonder what could keep our son so long at the
fair, as it was now almost nightfall.—‘Never mind our son,’ cried my
wife, ‘depend upon it he knows what he is about. I’ll warrant we’ll
never see him sell his hen of a rainy day. I have seen him buy such
bargains as would amaze one. I’ll tell you a good story about that,
that will make you split your sides with laughing—But as I live, yonder
comes Moses, without an horse, and the box at his back.’
As she spoke, Moses came slowly on foot, and sweating under the deal
box, which he had strapt round his shoulders like a pedlar.—‘Welcome,
welcome, Moses; well, my boy, what have you brought us from the
fair?’—‘I have brought you myself,’ cried Moses, with a sly look, and
resting the box on the dresser.—‘Ay, Moses,’ cried my wife, ‘that we
know, but where is the horse?’ ‘I have sold him,’ cried Moses, ‘for
three pounds five shillings and two-pence.’—‘Well done, my good boy,’
returned she, ‘I knew you would touch them off. Between ourselves,
three pounds five shillings and two-pence is no bad day’s work. Come,
let us have it then.’—‘I have brought back no money,’ cried Moses
again. ‘I have laid it all out in a bargain, and here it is,’ pulling
out a bundle from his breast: ‘here they are; a groce of green
spectacles, with silver rims and shagreen cases.’—‘A groce of green
spectacles!’ repeated my wife in a faint voice. ‘And you have parted
with the Colt, and brought us back nothing but a groce of green paltry
spectacles!’—‘Dear mother,’ cried the boy, ‘why won’t you listen to
reason? I had them a dead bargain, or I should not have bought them.
The silver rims alone will sell for double money.’—‘A fig for the
silver rims,’ cried my wife, in a passion: ‘I dare swear they won’t
sell for above half the money at the rate of broken silver, five
shillings an ounce.’—‘You need be under no uneasiness,’ cried I, ‘about
selling the rims; for they are not worth six-pence, for I perceive they
are only copper varnished over.’—‘What,’ cried my wife, ‘not silver,
the rims not silver!’ ‘No,’ cried I, ‘no more silver than your
saucepan,’—‘And so,’ returned she, ‘we have parted with the Colt, and
have only got a groce of green spectacles, with copper rims and
shagreen cases! A murrain take such trumpery. The blockhead has been
imposed upon, and should have known his company better.’—‘There, my
dear,’ cried I, ‘you are wrong, he should not have known them at
all.’—‘Marry, hang the ideot,’ returned she, ‘to bring me such stuff,
if I had them, I would throw them in the fire.’ ‘There again you are
wrong, my dear,’ cried I; ‘for though they be copper, we will keep them
by us, as copper spectacles, you know, are better than nothing.’
By this time the unfortunate Moses was undeceived. He now saw that he
had indeed been imposed upon by a prowling sharper, who, observing his
figure, had marked him for an easy prey. I therefore asked the
circumstances of his deception. He sold the horse, it seems, and walked
the fair in search of another. A reverend looking man brought him to a
tent, under pretence of having one to sell. ‘Here,’ continued Moses,
‘we met another man, very well drest, who desired to borrow twenty
pounds upon these, saying, that he wanted money, and would dispose of
them for a third of the value. The first gentleman, who pretended to be
my friend, whispered me to buy them, and cautioned me not to let so
good an offer pass. I sent for Mr Flamborough, and they talked him up
as finely as they did me, and so at last we were persuaded to buy the
two groce between us.’