The family endeavours to cope with their betters. The miseries of the
poor when they attempt to appear above their circumstances.
I now began to find that all my long and painful lectures upon
temperance, simplicity, and contentment, were entirely disregarded. The
distinctions lately paid us by our betters awaked that pride which I
had laid asleep, but not removed. Our windows again, as formerly, were
filled with washes for the neck and face. The sun was dreaded as an
enemy to the skin without doors, and the fire as a spoiler of the
complexion within. My wife observed, that rising too early would hurt
her daughters’ eyes, that working after dinner would redden their
noses, and she convinced me that the hands never looked so white as
when they did nothing. Instead therefore of finishing George’s shirts,
we now had them new modelling their old gauzes, or flourishing upon
catgut. The poor Miss Flamboroughs, their former gay companions, were
cast off as mean acquaintance, and the whole conversation ran upon high
life and high lived company, with pictures, taste, Shakespear, and the
musical glasses.
But we could have borne all this, had not a fortune-telling gypsey come
to raise us into perfect sublimity. The tawny sybil no sooner appeared,
than my girls came running to me for a shilling a piece to cross her
hand with silver. To say the truth, I was tired of being always wise,
and could not help gratifying their request, because I loved to see
them happy. I gave each of them a shilling; though, for the honour of
the family, it must be observed, that they never went without money
themselves, as my wife always generously let them have a guinea each,
to keep in their pockets; but with strict injunctions never to change
it. After they had been closetted up with the fortune-teller for some
time, I knew by their looks, upon their returning, that they had been
promised something great.—‘Well, my girls, how have you sped? Tell me,
Livy, has the fortune-teller given thee a pennyworth?’—‘I protest,
pappa,’ says the girl, ‘I believe she deals with some body that’s not
right; for she positively declared, that I am to be married to a
’Squire in less than a twelvemonth!’—‘Well now, Sophy, my child,’ said
I, ‘and what sort of a husband are you to have?’ ‘Sir,’ replied she, ‘I
am to have a Lord soon after my sister has married the ’Squire.’—‘How,’
cried I, ‘is that all you are to have for your two shillings! Only a
Lord and a ’Squire for two shillings! You fools, I could have promised
you a Prince and a Nabob for half the money.’ This curiosity of theirs,
however, was attended with very serious effects: we now began to think
ourselves designed by the stars for something exalted, and already
anticipated our future grandeur. It has been a thousand times observed,
and I must observe it once more, that the hours we pass with happy
prospects in view, are more pleasing than those crowned with fruition.
In the first case we cook the dish to our own appetite; in the latter
nature cooks it for us. It is impossible to repeat the train of
agreeable reveries we called up for our entertainment. We looked upon
our fortunes as once more rising; and as the whole parish asserted that
the ’Squire was in love with my daughter, she was actually so with him;
for they persuaded her into the passion. In this agreeable interval, my
wife had the most lucky dreams in the world, which she took care to
tell us every morning, with great solemnity and exactness. It was one
night a coffin and cross bones, the sign of an approaching wedding: at
another time she imagined her daughters’ pockets filled with farthings,
a certain sign of their being shortly stuffed with gold. The girls
themselves had their omens. They felt strange kisses on their lips;
they saw rings in the candle, purses bounced from the fire, and true
love-knots lurked in the bottom of every tea-cup.
Towards the end of the week we received a card from the town ladies; in
which, with their compliments, they hoped to see all our family at
church the Sunday following. All Saturday morning I could perceive, in
consequence of this, my wife and daughters in close conference
together, and now and then glancing at me with looks that betrayed a
latent plot. To be sincere, I had strong suspicions that some absurd
proposal was preparing for appearing with splendor the next day. In the
evening they began their operations in a very regular manner, and my
wife undertook to conduct the siege. After tea, when I seemed in
spirits, she began thus.—‘I fancy, Charles, my dear, we shall have a
great deal of good company at our church to-morrow,’—‘Perhaps we may,
my dear,’ returned I; ‘though you need be under no uneasiness about
that, you shall have a sermon whether there be or not.’—‘That is what I
expect,’ returned she; ‘but I think, my dear, we ought to appear there
as decently as possible, for who knows what may happen?’ ‘Your
precautions,’ replied I, ‘are highly commendable. A decent behaviour
and appearance in church is what charms me. We should be devout and
humble, chearful and serene.’—‘Yes,’ cried she, ‘I know that; but I
mean we should go there in as proper a manner as possible; not
altogether like the scrubs about us.’ ‘You are quite right, my dear,’
returned I, ‘and I was going to make the very same proposal. The proper
manner of going is, to go there as early as possible, to have time for
meditation before the service begins.’—‘Phoo, Charles,’ interrupted
she, ‘all that is very true; but not what I would be at. I mean, we
should go there genteelly. You know the church is two miles off, and I
protest I don’t like to see my daughters trudging up to their pew all
blowzed and red with walking, and, looking for all the world as if they
had been winners at a smock race. Now, my dear, my proposal is this:
there are our two plow horses, the Colt that has been in our family
these nine years, and his companion Blackberry, that have scarce done
an earthly thing for this month past. They are both grown fat and lazy.
Why should not they do something as well as we? And let me tell you,
when Moses has trimmed them a little, they will cut a very tolerable
figure.’ To this proposal I objected, that walking would be twenty
times more genteel than such a paltry conveyance, as Blackberry was
wall-eyed, and the Colt wanted a tail: that they had never been broke
to the rein; but had an hundred vicious tricks; and that we had but one
saddle and pillion in the whole house. All these objections, however,
were over-ruled; so that I was obliged to comply. The next morning I
perceived them not a little busy in collecting such materials as might
be necessary for the expedition; but as I found it would be a business
of time, I walked on to the church before, and they promised speedily
to follow. I waited near an hour in the reading desk for their arrival;
but not finding them come as expected, I was obliged to begin, and went
through the service, not without some uneasiness at finding them
absent. This was encreased when all was finished, and no appearance of
the family. I therefore walked back by the horse-way, which was five
miles round, tho’ the foot-way was but two, and when got about half way
home, perceived the procession marching slowly forward towards the
church; my son, my wife, and the two little ones exalted upon one
horse, and my two daughters upon the other. I demanded the cause of
their delay; but I soon found by their looks they had met with a
thousand misfortunes on the road. The horses had at first refused to
move from the door, till Mr Burchell was kind enough to beat them
forward for about two hundred yards with his cudgel. Next the straps of
my wife’s pillion broke down, and they were obliged to stop to repair
them before they could proceed. After that, one of the horses took it
into his head to stand still, and neither blows nor entreaties could
prevail with him to proceed. It was just recovering from this dismal
situation that I found them; but perceiving every thing safe, I own
their present mortification did not much displease me, as it would give
me many opportunities of future triumph, and teach my daughters more
humility.