A town wit described. The dullest fellows may learn to be comical for a
night or two.
When the morning arrived on which we were to entertain our young
landlord, it may be easily supposed what provisions were exhausted to
make an appearance. It may also be conjectured that my wife and
daughters expanded their gayest plumage upon this occasion. Mr
Thornhill came with a couple of friends, his chaplain, and feeder. The
servants, who were numerous, he politely ordered to the next ale-house:
but my wife, in the triumph of her heart, insisted on entertaining them
all; for which, by the bye, our family was pinched for three weeks
after. As Mr Burchell had hinted to us the day before, that he was
making some proposals of marriage, to Miss Wilmot, my son George’s
former mistress, this a good deal damped the heartiness of his
reception: but accident, in some measure, relieved our embarrasment;
for one of the company happening to mention her name, Mr Thornhill
observed with an oath, that he never knew any thing more absurd than
calling such a fright a beauty: ‘For strike me ugly,’ continued he, ‘if
I should not find as much pleasure in choosing my mistress by the
information of a lamp under the clock at St Dunstan’s.’ At this he
laughed, and so did we:—the jests of the rich are ever successful.
Olivia too could not avoid whispering, loud enough to be heard, that he
had an infinite fund of humour. After dinner, I began with my usual
toast, the Church; for this I was thanked by the chaplain, as he said
the church was the only mistress of his affections.—‘Come tell us
honestly, Frank,’ said the ’Squire, with his usual archness, ‘suppose
the church, your present mistress, drest in lawnsleeves, on one hand,
and Miss Sophia, with no lawn about her, on the other, which would you
be for?’ ‘For both, to be sure,’ cried the chaplain.—‘Right Frank,’
cried the ’Squire; ‘for may this glass suffocate me but a fine girl is
worth all the priestcraft in the creation. For what are tythes and
tricks but an imposition, all a confounded imposture, and I can prove
it.’—‘I wish you would,’ cried my son Moses, ‘and I think,’ continued
he, ‘that I should be able to answer you.’—‘Very well, Sir,’ cried the
’Squire, who immediately smoaked him,’ and winking on the rest of the
company, to prepare us for the sport, if you are for a cool argument
upon that subject, I am ready to accept the challenge. And first,
whether are you for managing it analogically, or dialogically?’ ‘I am
for managing it rationally,’ cried Moses, quite happy at being
permitted to dispute. ‘Good again,’ cried the ’Squire, ‘and firstly, of
the first. I hope you’ll not deny that whatever is, is. If you don’t
grant me that, I can go no further.’—‘Why,’ returned Moses, ‘I think I
may grant that, and make the best of it.’—‘I hope too,’ returned the
other, ‘you’ll grant that a part is less than the whole.’ ‘I grant that
too,’ cried Moses, ‘it is but just and reasonable.’—‘I hope,’ cried the
’Squire, ‘you will not deny, that the two angles of a triangle are
equal to two right ones.’—‘Nothing can be plainer,’ returned t’other,
and looked round with his usual importance.—‘Very well,’ cried the
’Squire, speaking very quick, ‘the premises being thus settled, I
proceed to observe, that the concatenation of self existences,
proceeding in a reciprocal duplicate ratio, naturally produce a
problematical dialogism, which in some measure proves that the essence
of spirituality may be referred to the second predicable’—‘Hold, hold,’
cried the other, ‘I deny that: Do you think I can thus tamely submit to
such heterodox doctrines?’—‘What,’ replied the ’Squire, as if in a
passion, ‘not submit! Answer me one plain question: Do you think
Aristotle right when he says, that relatives are related?’
‘Undoubtedly,’ replied the other.—‘If so then,’ cried the ’Squire,
‘answer me directly to what I propose: Whether do you judge the
analytical investigation of the first part of my enthymem deficient
secundum quoad, or quoad minus, and give me your reasons: give me your
reasons, I say, directly.’—‘I protest,’ cried Moses, ‘I don’t rightly
comprehend the force of your reasoning; but if it be reduced to one
simple proposition, I fancy it may then have an answer.’—‘O sir,’ cried
the ’Squire, ‘I am your most humble servant, I find you want me to
furnish you with argument and intellects too. No, sir, there I protest
you are too hard for me.’ This effectually raised the laugh against
poor Moses, who sate the only dismal figure in a groupe of merry faces:
nor, did he offer a single syllable more during the whole
entertainment.
But though all this gave me no pleasure, it had a very different effect
upon Olivia, who mistook it for humour, though but a mere act of the
memory. She thought him therefore a very fine gentleman; and such as
consider what powerful ingredients a good figure, fine cloaths, and
fortune, are in that character, will easily forgive her. Mr Thornhill,
notwithstanding his real ignorance, talked with ease, and could
expatiate upon the common topics of conversation with fluency. It is
not surprising then that such talents should win the affections of a
girl, who by education was taught to value an appearance in herself,
and consequently to set a value upon it in another.
Upon his departure, we again entered into a debate upon the merits of
our young landlord. As he directed his looks and conversation to
Olivia, it was no longer doubted but that she was the object that
induced him to be our visitor. Nor did she seem to be much displeased
at the innocent raillery of her brother and sister upon this occasion.
Even Deborah herself seemed to share the glory of the day, and exulted
in her daughter’s victory as if it were her own. ‘And now, my dear,’
cried she to me, ‘I’ll fairly own, that it was I that instructed my
girls to encourage our landlord’s addresses. I had always some
ambition, and you now see that I was right; for who knows how this may
end?’ ‘Ay, who knows that indeed,’ answered I, with a groan: ‘for my
part I don’t much like it; and I could have been better pleased with
one that was poor and honest, than this fine gentleman with his fortune
and infidelity; for depend on’t, if he be what I suspect him, no
free-thinker shall ever have a child of mine.’ ‘Sure, father,’ cried
Moses, ‘you are too severe in this; for heaven will never arraign him
for what he thinks, but for what he does. Every man has a thousand
vicious thoughts, which arise without his power to suppress. Thinking
freely of religion, may be involuntary with this gentleman: so that
allowing his sentiments to be wrong, yet as he is purely passive in his
assent, he is no more to be blamed for his errors than the governor of
a city without walls for the shelter he is obliged to afford an
invading enemy.’
‘True, my son,’ cried I; ‘but if the governor invites the enemy, there
he is justly culpable. And such is always the case with those who
embrace error. The vice does not lie in assenting to the proofs they
see; but in being blind to many of the proofs that offer. So that,
though our erroneous opinions be involuntary when formed, yet as we
have been wilfully corrupt, or very negligent in forming them, we
deserve punishment for our vice, or contempt for our folly.’ My wife
now kept up the conversation, though not the argument: she observed,
that several very prudent men of our acquaintance were free-thinkers,
and made very good husbands; and she knew some sensible girls that had
skill enough to make converts of their spouses: ‘And who knows, my
dear,’ continued she, ‘what Olivia may be able to do. The girl has a
great deal to say upon every subject, and to my knowledge is very well
skilled in controversy.’
‘Why, my dear, what controversy can she have read?’ cried I. ‘It does
not occur to me that I ever put such books into her hands: you
certainly over-rate her merit.’ ‘Indeed, pappa,’ replied Olivia, ‘she
does not: I have read a great deal of controversy. I have read the
disputes between Thwackum and Square; the controversy between Robinson
Crusoe and Friday the savage, and I am now employed in reading the
controversy in Religious courtship’—‘Very well,’ cried I, ‘that’s a
good girl, I find you are perfectly qualified for making converts, and
so go help your mother to make the gooseberry-pye.’