It was an incoherent tale that Thor stammered out to Lois as he and she
walked homeward. By trying to tell Claude's story without including his
own he was, for the first time since the days of school-boy escapades,
making a deliberate attempt at prevarication. He suppressed certain
facts, and over-emphasized others. He did it with a sense of humiliation
which became acute when he began to suspect that he was not deceiving
her. She walked on, saying nothing at all. Now and then, when he
ventured to glance at her in profile, she turned to give him a sick, sad
smile that seemed to draw its sweetness from the futility of his
efforts. "My God, she knows!" were the words actually in his mind while
he went floundering on with the explanation of why he couldn't allow
Claude to be a cad.
And yet, except for those smiles of an elusiveness beyond him, she
betrayed no hint of being stricken in the way he was afraid of. On the
contrary, she seemed, when she spoke, to be giving her mind entirely to
the course of Claude's romance. "He won't marry her. He'll marry Elsie
Darling."
An hour ago the assertion would have angered him. Now he was relieved
that she had the spirit to make it at all. He endeavored to imitate her
tone. "What makes you think so?"
"I know Claude. She's the sort of girl for him to marry. There's good in
him, and she'll bring it out."
"Unfortunately, it's too late to think of Claude's good when he's
pledged to some one else."
"Would you make him marry her?"
"I'd make him do his duty."
She gave him another of those faint smiles of which the real meaning
baffled him. "I wouldn't lay too much stress on that, if I were you. To
marry for the sake of doing one's duty is"--she faltered an instant, but
recovered herself--"is as likely as not to defeat its own ends."
He was afraid to pursue the topic lest she should speak more plainly. On
arriving home he was glad to see her go to her room and shut the door.
It grieved him to think that she might be brooding in silence, but even
that was better than speech. As Uncle Sim and Cousin Amy Dawes were
coming to Sunday-night supper, the evening would be safe; and to avoid
being face to face with her in the meanwhile he went out again.
* * * * *
Having passed an hour in his office, he strolled up into the wood above
the village, his refuge from boyhood onward in any hour of trouble.
There was space here, and air, and solitude. It was a diversion that was
almost a form of consolation to be in touch with the wood's teeming
life. Moreover, the trees, with their stately aloofness from mortal
cares, their strifelessness and strength, shed on him a kind of
benediction. From long association, from days of bird's-nesting in
spring, and camping in summer, and nutting in autumn, and snow-shoeing
in winter, he knew them almost as individual personalities--the great
white oaks, the paper birches, the white pines with knots that were
masses of dry resin, the Canada balsams with odorous boughs, the
sugar-maples, the silver maples, the beeches, the junipers, the
hemlocks, the hackmatacks, with the low-growing hickories, witch-hazels,
and slippery-elms. Their green was the green of early May--yellow-green,
red-green, bronze-green, brown-green, but nowhere as yet the full, rich
hue of summer. Here and there a choke-cherry in full bloom swayed and
shivered like a wraith. In shady places the ferns were unfolding in
company with Solomon's-seal, wake-robin, the lady's-slipper, and the
painted trillium. There was an abundance of yellow--cinquefoil,
crowfoot, ragwort, bellwort, and shy patches of gold-colored violets.
In the sloping outskirts of the wood he stood still and breathed deeply,
a portion of his cares and difficulties slipping from his shoulders.
Somewhere within him was the sense of kinship with the wilderness that
has become atavistic in Americans of six or eight generations on the
soil. It was like skipping two centuries and getting back where life was
primitive from necessity. There were few if any complications here, nor
were there subtleties to consider. As far back as he knew anything of
his Thorley ancestors, they had hewed and hacked and delved and tilled
on and about this hillside, getting their changes from its seasons,
their food from its products, their science from its bird-life and
beast-life, their arts and their simples, their dyes and their drinks
from its roots and juices. To the extent that men and the primeval could
be one, they had been one with the forest of which nothing but this
upland sweep remained, treating it as both friend and enemy. As enemy
they had felled it; as friend they had lived its life and loved it,
transmitting their love to this son, who was now bringing his
heartaches, as he was accustomed also to bring his joys, where they had
brought their own.
The advantage of the wood to Thor was that once within its shadows he
could, to some degree, stop thinking of the life outside. He could give
his first attention to the sounds and phenomena about him. As he stood
now, listening to the resonant tapping of a hairy woodpecker on a dead
tree-trunk he could forget that the world held a Lois, a Rosie, and a
Claude, each a storm-center of emotions. It was a respite from
emotions--in a measure, a respite from himself. He stepped craftily,
following the sound of the woodpecker's tap till he had the satisfaction
of seeing a black-and-white back, with a red band across the busily
bobbing head. He stopped again to watch a chipmunk who was more sharply
watching him. The little fellow, red-brown and striped, sat cocked on a
stone, his fore paws crossed on his white breast like the hands of a
meek saint at prayer. Strolling on again, he paused from time to
time--to listen to a robin singing right overhead, or to catch the
liquid, spiritual chant of a hermit-thrush in some stiller thicket of
the wood, or to watch a bluebird fly directly into its nest, probably an
abandoned woodpecker's hole, in a decaying Norway pine. These small
happenings soothed him. Sauntering and pausing, he came up to the high,
treeless ridge he had last visited on the day he asked Lois to marry
him.
The ridge broke sharply downward to a stretch of undulating farms.
Patches of green meadowland were interspersed with the broad, red fields
in which as yet nothing had begun to grow. Had it not been Sunday the
farmers would have been at work, plowing, sowing, harrowing. As it was,
the landscape enjoyed a rich Sabbath peace, broken only by the swooping
of birds, out of the invisible, across the line of sight, and on into
the invisible again. It was all beauty and promise of beauty, wealth and
promise of wealth. The cherry-trees were in bloom; the pear and the
apple and the quince would follow soon. Above the farm-houses tall elms
rose, fan-shaped and garlanded.
The very charm of the prospect called up those questions he had been
trying for a minute to shelve. How was it that in a land of milk and
honey men were finding it so hard to live? How was it that with
conditions in which every man might have enough and to spare, making it
his aim to see that his fellow had the same, there could be greed and
ingenious oppression and social crime, with the menace of things graver
still? What's the matter with us? he asked, helplessly. Was it something
wrong with the American people? or was it something wrong with the whole
human race? or was it a condition of permanent strife that the human
race could never escape from? Was man a being capable of high spiritual
attainment, as he had heard in the church that morning? or was he no
better than the ruthless creatures of the woodland, where the weasel
preyed on the chipmunk, and the owl on the mouse, and the fox on the
rabbit, and the shrike on the ph[oe]be, and the ph[oe]be on the insect,
in an endless round of ferocity? Had man emerged above this estate? or
was it as foolish to expect him to spare his brother-man as to ask a
hawk to spare a hen?
These questions bore on Thor's immediate thoughts and conduct. They bore
on his relations with his father and Claude and Lois. Through the social
web in which he found himself involved they bore on Rosie Fay; and from
the social web they worked out to the great national ideals in which he
longed to see his native land a sanctuary for mankind. But could man
build a sanctuary? Would he know how to make use of one? Or was he, Thor
Masterman, but repeating the error of that great-grandfather who had
turned to America for the salvation of the race, and died broken-hearted
because its people were only looking out for number one?
Because he couldn't find answers to these questions for himself, he
tried, during supper, to sound Uncle Sim, leading up to the subject by
an adroit indirectness. "Been to church," he said, after serving Cousin
Amy Dawes with lobster à la Newburg.
"Saw you," came from Uncle Sim.
"Did you? What were you doing there? Thought you were a disciple of old
Hilary."
"That was the reason. Hilary's idea. Can't go 'round to the different
churches himself, so he sends me. Look in on 'em all."
"There's too much sherry in this lobster à la Newburg," Cousin Amy Dawes
said, sternly. "I bet she's put in two tablespoonfuls instead of one."
Being stone-deaf, Cousin Amy Dawes took no part in conversation except
what she herself could contribute. She was a dignified woman who had the
air of being hewn in granite. There was nothing soft about her but three
detachable corkscrew curls on each side of an immobile face and a heart
that every one knew to be as maternal as milk. Dressed in stiff black
silk, a heavy gold chain around her neck, and a huge gold brooch at her
throat, and wearing fingerless black-silk mittens, she might have walked
out of an old daguerreotype.
"I should think," Thor observed, dryly, "that you'd find your religion
growing rather composite."
"No. T'other way 'round. Grows simpler. Get their co-ordinating
principle--the common denominator that goes into 'em all."
"That is," Lois said, in the endeavor to be free to think her own
thoughts by keeping him on a hobby, "you look for their points of
contact rather than their differences."
"Oh, you get beyond the differences. 'Beyond these voices there is
peace.' Doesn't some one say that? Well, you get there. If you can stand
the clamor of the voices for a while you emerge into a kind of still
place where they blend into one. Then you find that they're all trying
to say the same thing, which is also the thing you're trying to say
yourself."
As he sat back in his chair twisting his wiry mustache with a handsome,
sun-burnt hand, Thor felt that he had him where he had been hoping to
get him. "But what _do_ we want to say, Uncle Sim? What do you want to
say? And what do I?"
The old man held his sharp-pointed beard by the tip, eying his nephew
obliquely. "That's the great secret, Thor. We're all like little babies,
who from the time they begin to hear language are bursting with the
desire to say something; only they don't know what it is till they learn
to speak. Then it comes to 'em."
"Yes, but what comes to them?"
"Isn't it what comes to all babies--the instinct to say,
_Abba--Father_?"
"Say, Lois," Cousin Amy Dawes requested, in her loud, commanding voice,
"just save me a mite of this cold duck for old Sally Gibbs. It'll be
tasty for the poor soul. I'll take it to her as we go up the hill. What
do you pay your cook?" Without waiting for an answer she continued like
an oracle, "I don't believe she's worth it."
Thor leaned across the table. "What I want to know is this: suppose the
instinct to say _Abba--Father_ does come to us, is there anything there
to respond that will show us a better way--personally and nationally, I
mean, than the rather poor one we're finding for ourselves?"
"Can't give you any guarantees, Thor, if that's what you're after. Just
got to say _Abba--Father_, and see for yourself. Nothing but seeing for
oneself is any good when it comes to the personal. And as for the
national--well, there was a man once who went stalking through the land
crying, 'O Israel, turn thee to the Lord thy God,' and I guess he knew
what he was about. It was, 'Turn ye, turn ye! Why will ye die?' They
didn't turn and so they died. Inevitable consequence. Same with this
people or any other people. In proportion as it turns to the Lord its
God it'll live; and in proportion as it doesn't it'll go to pot." He
veered around to Lois as to one who would agree with him: "Ain't that
it?"
She responded with a sweet, absent smile which showed to Thor at least
that her thoughts were elsewhere. As a matter of fact, Thor's questions
and Uncle Sim's replies, which continued in more or less the same
strain, lay in a realm with regard to which she had few misgivings or
anxieties. Her heart-searchings being of another nature, she was doing
in thought what she had done when in the afternoon she had gone to her
room and shut the door. She was standing before her mirror, contrasting
the image reflected there with Rosie Fay's worn, touching prettiness.
How awesome, how incredible, that Thor, her great, noble Thor, should
have let his heart go--perhaps the very best of his heart--to anything
so insignificant, so unformed, so unequal to himself! It was this
awesomeness, this incredibility, that overwhelmed her. Her mind fixed
itself on it, for the time being, to the exclusion of other
considerations. Thor was like meaner men! He could be caught by a pretty
face! He was so big in body and soul that she had thought him free from
petty failing--and yet here it was! There was a kind of shame in it. It
weakened him, it lowered him.
She had seen it from the minute when he began to tell his halting tale
about Claude. It was pitiful the way in which he had betrayed himself.
From Fay she had got no more than a hint--a hint she had been quick to
collate with her knowledge of some secret grief on Thor's part; but she
hadn't been really sure of the truth till she saw he was trying to hide
it. That Thor should be trying to hide anything made her burn inwardly
with something more poignant than humiliation.
She had smiled when he looked so imploringly toward her, but she hardly
knew why. Perhaps it was to encourage him, to give him heart. For the
first time in her life she felt the stronger, the superior. She was
sorry for him, even though there was something about this new and
unexpected phase in him that she despised.
She had got no further than that when the guests came and she had to
give them her attention. When they left, and Thor was seeing them to the
door, she took the opportunity to slip up to her room again. She locked
the door behind her, and locked the door that communicated with his
dressing-room. Once more she took her stand before the pier-glass.
Something had come to her; she was sure of it. It had come almost since
that afternoon. If it was not beauty, it rendered beauty of no
importance. It was a spirit, a fire, that made her a woman who could be
proud, a woman a man might be proud of. She had come to her own at last.
She could see for herself that there was a subdued splendor about her
which raised her in the scale of personality. She had little vanity;
hitherto she had had little pride; but she knew now, with an assurance
which it would have been hypocritical to disguise, that she was the true
mate of the man she had taken Thor to be. She had known it
before--diffidently and apologetically. She knew it now calmly, and as a
matter of course, in a manner that did away with any necessity for
shrinking or self-depreciation.
She moved away from the mirror, taking off the string of small pearls
she wore and throwing them on the dressing-table. In the middle of the
room she stood with a feeling of helplessness. It was so difficult to
see what she ought to do. What was one's duty toward a husband who had
practically told her that he had married her only because he couldn't
marry a woman he loved better? Other questions began to rise within her,
questions and protests and flashes of indignation, but she beat them
back, standing in an attitude of reflection, and trying to discern the
first steps of her way. She knew that the emotions she was keeping under
would assert themselves in time, but just now she wanted only to see
what she ought to do during the next half-hour.
There came into her mind what Uncle Sim had said at supper--"Just got to
say _Abba--Father_, and see." She shook her head. She couldn't say
_Abba--Father_ at present. She didn't know why--but she couldn't.
Whatever the passion within her, it was nothing she could bring before a
Throne of Grace. It crossed her mind that if she prayed at all that
night she would pass this whole matter over. And in that case, why pray
at all?
And yet the thought of omitting her prayers disturbed her. If she did it
to-night, why not to-morrow night? And if to-morrow night, where would
it end? It was not a convincing argument, but it drew her toward her
bedside.
Even then she didn't kneel down, but clung to one of the tall, fluted
posts that supported a canopy. She couldn't pray. She didn't know what
to pray for. Conventional petitions would have had no meaning, and for
the moment she had no others to offer up. It was but half consciously
that she found herself stammering: "_Abba--Father! Abba--Father!_" her
lips moving dumbly to the syllables.
It brought her no relief. It gave her neither immediate light on her way
nor any new sense of power. She was as dazed as ever, and as indignant.
And yet when she raised herself from the weary clinging to the fluted
post she went to both the doors she had locked and unlocked them.