25. Name ten things you could do with a million dollars.
WHY WE NEVER MARRIED
AN EVENING'S ENTERTAINMENT TO BE GIVEN BY SEVEN MAIDS AND SEVEN
BACHELORS
(Copyright, 1899, by the Curtis Publishing Company and republished by
courtesy of the _Ladies' Home Journal_)
Although this entertainment is here planned to include fourteen people,
the number of those who take part in it may, of course, be reduced to as
few or increased to as many as desired, either by omitting one or more
of the couples already provided for, or by including more couples and
composing additional verses for them.
The characters appear seated in a semicircle, a young man first, then a
young woman, and so on alternately, beginning at the right as one faces
the audience. Each one is dressed in a fashion appropriate to the
character represented. Starting with the first young man at the right,
each advances in turn to the front and recites.
Number one says:
"Of all the girls that ever I knew,
I never saw one that I thought would do.
I wanted a wife that was nice and neat,
That was up to date, and that had small feet;
I wanted a wife that was loving and kind,
And that hadn't too much original mind;
I wanted a wife that could cook and sew,
And that wasn't eternally on the go;
I wanted a wife that just loved to keep house,
And that wasn't too timid to milk the cows;
I wanted a wife that was strikingly beautiful,
Intelligent, rich, and exceedingly dutiful.
That isn't so much to demand in a wife,
But still she's not found, though I've looked all my life."
Number two next recites:
"The only reason why I've never wed
Is as clear as the day, and as easily said:
Two lovers I had who'd have made me a bride,
But the trouble was just that I couldn't decide;
Whenever John came I was sure it was he
That I cared for most; but with Charlie by me,
My hands clasped in his, and his eyes fixed on mine,
'Twas as easy as could be to say, 'I'll be thine.'
Now tell me what was a poor maiden to do,
Who couldn't, to save her, make choice 'tween the two?
I dillied and dallied, and couldn't decide,
Till John, he got married, and Charlie, he died;
And that is the reason why I've never wed;
For how could I help it, as every one said,
When John, he was married, and Charlie was dead."
Number three now speaks:
"I have never proposed to any girl.
Was I to be caught in the snare of a curl,
And dangle through life in a dizzy whirl?
"Humph! I know too much for that by half!
I may look young, but I'm not a calf;
You can't catch a bird like me with chaff.
"I know their tricks, I know their arts,
I know how they scheme to capture hearts;
I know they can play a dozen parts.
"How do I know so much, you ask?
To reply to that isn't much of a task;
For if you must know, O madams and misters,
I'm the only brother of fourteen sisters."
Number four advances and says:
"My lovers came from near and far,
And sued before my feet;
They told me I was like a star;
They said that I was sweet;
And each one swore if I'd accept
His heart and eke his hand,
That he would be the happiest man
Throughout the whole broad land.
But one proud youth remained aloof,
And stood untouched, unmoved;
Oh, bitter fate! he was the one,
The only one I loved!
I tried on him each winning charm,
I put forth every art,
But all in vain; he turned away,
And took with him my heart.
This is the reason I am left
Alone upon the tree,
Like withered fruit, though not a pear;
Oh, would that I might be!"
Number five recites these lines:
"The only reason why I've never married
Is because all my plans for proposing miscarried;
I wouldn't propose till all was propitious,
Till I felt pretty sure that the signs were auspicious.
More than once I've been moved to propound the fond query,
'Won't you tell me you love me, my beautiful dearie?'
When just at that moment came something or other,
A ring at the bell, or a call from her mother,
Or the sudden approach of her infantile brother,
My words to arrest, my intentions to smother;
And once, when a few leading questions I'd asked,
She laughed as if jokes in my questions were masked;
I couldn't conceive what had caused her commotion,
But 'twas so disconcerting I gave up the notion;
Although I felt certain as certain could be,
That whatever she laughed at, it was not at me."
Number six then says:
"From my earliest years
I've had an intuition
That I was intended
To carry out a mission.
Whatever it might be
I hadn't the least notion,
But I searched for it faithfully
From ocean to ocean.
For a while I kept thinking
That I was surely meant
To preach to the heathen,
But I never was sent.
Then the surging thoughts and feelings
That upon me seemed to press
Surely proved beyond all question
That I was a poetess;
But the editors were cruel,
They were stonily unkind;
And their inappreciation
Drove the notion from my mind.
Now I'm sure that I'm a speaker;
'Tis my latest great impression;
And I'd like to prove it to you,
If I might without digression;
But whatever is my mission,
I've been certain all my life,
That 'tis something higher, nobler,
Than to be a slaving wife."
Number seven speaks thus:
"I used to call on Mary Jane
When I was seventeen;
And Mary Jane was fond of me,
Though I was rather green.
One day I told her why I came,
And what was my intent;
And then she said that I must go
And get her pa's consent.
Her pa, he was a mason rude,
Well used to handling bricks,
And when I came to talk with him
My courage went to sticks.
'K-kind sir, may I have M-Mary Jane?'
I asked with gasp and stutter;
Then came an earthquake, then a blank--
I went home on a shutter.
I never married Mary Jane,
The maid whom I'd selected;
The reason was because her pa--
Well, so to speak--objected."
Number eight next advances:
"I fully intended a bride to be,
But Richard and I could never agree;
He fussed at me daily in fault-finding mood,
And I picked at him though I knew it was rude;
He thought that a woman ought always to do
Just what her husband wanted her to,
And I was as set and decided as he,
That that way of life would never suit me;
And so we kept wrangling all summer and fall,
And at last we agreed not to marry at all;
And that is the reason you now find me here,
Feeling cheap, I admit, and I once was so dear."
Number nine speaks as follows:
"Could I give up all the pleasures
That a single man may claim?
Could I see my bachelor treasures
Sniffed at by a scornful dame?
Could I have my choice Havanas
Bandied all about the place,
Strewn around like cheap bananas,
Looked upon as a disgrace?
Could I bear to find a hairpin
Sticking in my shaving-mug?
Or a pair of high-heeled slippers
Lying on my Persian rug?
Would I want my meditations
Broken up by cries of fright
At a mouse or daddy-long-legs,
Or some other fearful sight?
No, I couldn't, and I wouldn't,
And I didn't, as you see;
Of every life, the bachelor's life
Is just the life for me."
Number ten says:
"My lovers were plenty
As plenty could be;
But of the whole number
Not one suited me;
John was too fat,
Joe was too thin,
And George, who'd have done,
Was without any 'tin';
Dick was a sinner,
And James was a saint,
Who, whenever I shocked him,
Looked ready to faint;
Charles was quite handsome,
The likeliest yet,
But he always was smoking
A vile cigarette;
That I'm very particular
'Tis easy to see,
Which all should remember
Who come to court me."
Number eleven now advances:
"First it was Carrie who claimed my heart,
And I thought from her I never would part;
Then it was Rose, with her winsome eyes
Of an azure as deep as the tropic skies;
And next it was Alice, so mild and meek;
I loved her fondly for nearly a week;
Then came Elizabeth's fickle reign,
And after her Mary and Kate and Jane;
A dozen more for a time held sway,
Sometimes for a month, sometimes for a day;
And yet I'm not married; for, truth to tell,
I could make no choice, I loved all so well."
Number twelve speaks thus:
"I never would marry
The best of men;
Though they've tried to persuade me
Again and again;
I know too well
What's good for me
To wed any man,
Whoever he be;
If he tells you he loves you,
He means to deceive you;
If he says he'll be faithful,
He's planning to leave you;
You may think him as meek
As ever was Moses;
You may think him as sweet
As a garden of roses;
You may think him as good
As good can be;
But just remember
One word from me;
Whatever they seem
To be or have been,
You just can't tell
One thing about men."
Number thirteen and number fourteen advance together, and the former
speaks first as follows:
"I've been in love with lots of girls,
A bachelor's life I hate;
I've all the time that I could want
To find and win a mate;
I've never come in contact with
A brick-objecting pa,
Or been deterred by brothers small
Or loudly calling ma;
I've never found it hard to choose
With whom I would be mated;
Oh, no, 'tis quite another cause--
I'm not appreciated;
I've popped the question o'er and o'er,
But if you will believe me,
There wasn't one of all of them
That I could get to have me.
And that is why I'm left alone,
Now love's young dream is gone,
To darn my hose and mend my clo'es
And sew my buttons on."
Then number fourteen says:
"My friends have all told you the reason why they
Keep on in a lonesome, old-maidenly way,
Without any husband to lighten their loads,
Without any helper to smooth the rough roads;
I, too, am unmarried, but not for the causes
That they have all stated in rhythmical clauses:
My lover didn't die,
And he never went away;
My father didn't stand
A moment in my way;
I've never quarreled once,
Nor been bothered to decide,
But I've got a first-class reason
Why I've never been a bride;
At any kind of mission
I wouldn't even glance;
The simple truth is this--
I've never had a chance;
Other folks, I s'pose, have had 'em,
But they've never come to me;
Though I don't see why they shouldn't,
For I'm willing as can be;
And all I've got to say is,
And I say it frank and free,
If you think I won't get married,
Just you question me and see."
At the close of number fourteen's recitation, all rise and stand in
two rows, facing each other, the ladies in one row and the gentlemen
in the other. The gentlemen then recite in concert as follows:
"Since we all are yet unmated,
And are getting on in years,
Why not now decide the matter
By dividing up in pairs?
If I ask you to accept me,
And my lonely life to bless,
Will you? Will you? Will you?"
Ladies in chorus:
"Yes!"
Each lady takes the arm of the gentleman facing her, and all walk off to
the music of the wedding march.
WIFE OF SANTA CLAUS
AN ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE SUNDAY-SCHOOL
The Sunday-school, school or club is assembled; the stage is concealed
by a curtain, and the Christmas tree, which is near the stage, by
another curtain or screen. The tree is decorated in the usual manner,
minus the gifts, which are concealed near the stage ready to be
delivered when the right time comes. The tree need not be lighted until
the closing of any preliminary exercises that have been arranged. After
lighting, the tree should be exposed to the view of all. When the
children have gazed at it for a few moments, the superintendent or some
other suitable person should come forward, as if to distribute the gifts
as usual. He should survey the tree attentively and from different
standpoints, and finally, with great astonishment, exclaim:
"Why, what in the world does this mean? What strange thing is this? What
is the matter with my eyes? [_Rubbing his eyes to see better._] I can't
see! As true as I live, I cannot see a single Christmas gift upon this
tree! Think of it, a Christmas tree with no presents! Am I growing
blind? [_Rubbing his eyes again._]
"Do you see any? [_Turning to any child near._] Well, I thought so! It
is too true, children, that although we have a Christmas tree, and a
fine one, too, there is not a single gift upon it; no, not even a little
one for a little bit of a girl! Now, this is altogether too bad of Santa
Claus to forget this Sunday-school--when we've gotten all ready for him,
too, lighted the tree and decorated it so beautifully! It isn't a bit
like him, either. He never did such a thing before. He can't have
forgotten us. The blessed old Saint wouldn't do that! Maybe his
reindeer are lame and he is slow in getting here. No! He would have
sent Jack Frost on ahead to tell us to wait. Let me think a moment. It
can't be that any of you children have been so naughty that he thinks we
don't deserve a visit from him, can it? No, no, that cannot be; it is a
mistake, somehow. It is very mysterious; I never heard of the like
before--no, never----
"Well, what are we going to do about it, anyway? Can't some one speak up
and explain this mystery, or at least tell us what to do to celebrate
Christmas?"
At this juncture the sound of sleigh-bells is heard at the back or side
of the stage, and a loud "Whoa!" and a shrill whistle. There is an
instant of bustling, crunching of ice, stamping and pawing of feet, then
the door bursts open suddenly, as if by a gust of wind, and a nimble
little fellow bounces in, clad all in red and flecked with tufts of
cotton on cap and shoulders to look like snow. He wears a high, peaked
cap of red with a bobbing tassel on the peak, and carries a long thong
whip, which he flourishes in time to the rhyme he chants:
"Ho for us! hey for us!
Please clear the way for us!
I'm Jack Frost from Icicle-land,
Driver of Santa's four-in-hand;
Though late you will ask no excuse."
With a flourish he draws back the curtain, announcing "Mrs. Santa
Claus!" There, with a mammoth pumpkin standing by her side, is seen a
beaming-faced little fat woman. She is dressed in a fur cloak, or
fur-lined circular turned wrong side out, an ermine poke bonnet, made of
white cotton-wool, with black worsted tails, and an immense muff of the
same. She steps forward, and in a dramatic style delivers this address:
MRS. SANTA CLAUS'S ADDRESS
"Good-evening to you, children dear;
I know you cannot guess
The reason I am here to-night,
And so I'll just confess
That I am Mrs. Santa Claus--
Old Santa Claus's wife;
You've never seen me here before,
I'm sure, in all your life.
"So if you'll listen patiently,
I'll tell the reason why
Old Santa could not come to-night,
And why instead came I;
He is so very busy now,
Has so many schools--you see
He can't find time to visit all,
And deck each Christmas tree.
"And so he said unto his wife:
'My faithful partner dear,
That Sunday-school's expecting me
To help keep Christmas cheer;
As I can't possibly reach there,
I'm disappointed quite;
I know that they will look for me
With shining eyes so bright!'
"I, Mrs. Santa, thus replied:
'Please let your better-half
Go visit that nice Sunday-school;
'Twill make the children laugh.'
This plan just suited Santa Claus;
He sent Jack Frost to drive;
He knew what fun 'twould be for me
Among you thus to arrive!
"And so, lest him you should forget,
That blessed, dear old fellow
The queerest Christmas gift sends you,
This pumpkin, big and yellow;
He hopes that when you cut it up
You'll quite delighted be,
To find the inside quite different
From what you're used to see.
"Now if the shell is not too hard
I'll cut it open wide,
That you may see with your own eyes
This curious inside. [_She cuts it open._]
Ah, yes! we've found the inside now,
And so present to view
This fairy, who, from Wonderland,
Has come to visit you."
The fairy, a little girl dressed in white, with a wand, and wings, if
possible, skips out of the pumpkin and sings:
FAIRY'S SONG
(Tune, "Little Buttercup")
"Yes I am a fairy, a genuine fairy,
And if you cannot tell why
I've come in this pumpkin, this big yellow pumpkin,
The reason to guess you may try.
"I bring you sweet tokens, yes, many fond tokens,
Of love and sweet friendship true;
From sisters and brothers, fathers and mothers,
And many dear friends who love you.
"So here are your presents, your own Christmas presents,
With which you may now deck your tree,
So please to remember the bright Christmas fairy,
The bright Christmas fairy you see.
"I wish you 'Merry Christmas,' a real merry Christmas,
And also a 'Happy New-Year;'
If you love one another, each sister and brother,
No harm from the fairies you'll fear."
The gifts are then distributed by the fairy, who appears to take them
from the inside of the pumpkin. Unless the children are too small, and
likely to be timid, they should go forward to receive their gifts when
their names are called by the fairy, who apparently knows them all by
name, but who is prompted by some one reading from a list standing
behind the curtain close by her side. Jack Frost whisks about helping
the fairy hand out the gifts and assisting the wee ones to get down off
the stage with their bundles. During Mrs. Santa's address he might
carelessly perch himself upon the pumpkin.
The pumpkin is made with a strong wire frame (can be made at any
hardware store), and covered with a deep yellow cambric with an
occasional green smutch painted upon it. It is in two hemispheres and is
tied together strongly at the bottom and loosely at the top, so that the
fairy inside can easily loosen the top string and step out when Mrs.
Santa cuts open the pumpkin with a large carving-knife.
In case it is not practicable to have a pumpkin-frame made, substitute
for it a gigantic snowball made of cotton-wool, covered with
diamond-dust to sparkle like snow-crystals. Two large old-fashioned
umbrellas that are dome-shaped will serve very nicely for the frame of a
spherical ball, if the tips of the ribs are wired together. It should
then be covered inside and outside with white cloth on which the cotton
batting can be basted. With such an arrangement it would be necessary to
dispense with the fairy, but the little folks might have the surprise of
seeing the snowball slowly open at a snap from Jack Frost's whip,
disclosing a nest of smaller snowballs. These Jack Frost might toss to
the children and, when opened, they might be found to contain candy and
nuts.
Index
PAGE
Acting Proverbs 3
Advertisement Items 4
All About Kate 4
Apple Social 6
April Fool Dinner 6
April Fool Party 7
Authors' Contest 9
Authors' Guessing Game 9
Authors' Verbal Game 10
"B" Sociable 11
Barn Party 12
Baseball Party 13
Bean Bags 14
Bean Sociable 15
Berry Guessing Contest 15
Bible Contest 16
Bible Evening 17
Bible Names 18
Bible Readings 18
Bird Carnival 19
Bird Guessing Contest 20
Birthday Party 23
Bishop's Riddle 23
Box Party 24
Cake Sale 25
Cake Walk (Novel kind) 26
Calico Carnival 27
Can Factory 28
Cat Guessing Contest 30
Chestnut Sociable 30
Children's Birthday Flowers 32
Children's Birthday Parties 32
Children's Christmas Party 34
Children's Christmas Tableaux 35
Children's Easter Party 37
Children's Souvenirs 40
Children's Sweet Pea Tea 41
Children's Tom Thumb Entertainment 42
Children's Valentine Party 43
Chinese Party 44
Christmas Costume Party 45
Christmas Menu and Table Decorations 47
Christmas Umbrella Game 48
Church Bazaar Suggestions 49
Cobweb Sociable 50
Conundrum Tea 51
Cook Book Sale 51
Cooky Sociable 53
Corn Husking Bee 53
Dutch Party 54
Easter Egg Hunt 55
Easter Luncheon 55
Easter Sociable 57
Fairies' Garden 58
Feast of Seven Tables 60
Feast of Nations 62
Fish Market 64
Flags of Nations 65
Floral Love Story 66
Flower Bazaar 67
Flower Guessing Contest 68
Flower Luncheons 70
Flower Party 73
Flowers Illustrated 75
Fourth of July Museum 76
Game of Nations 78
Geographical Game 79
George and Martha Tea 79
Girls' Names Contest 81
Golf Luncheon 82
Golf Players' Guessing Contest 83
Good Luck Party 83
Gypsy Fortune-Telling 85
Hallowe'en Box Cake 86
Hallowe'en Games 86
Hallowe'en Party 88
Hallowe'en Suggestions 89
Handkerchief Bazaar 91
Hatchet Party 91
Ice Festival 93
Inauguration Day Lunch 94
Independence Day Necessities 96
Indian Dinner Party 97
Indoor Lawn Party 98
Initial Characteristics 99
Jack-O'-Lantern Party 100
Japanese Card Party 102
Japanese Sociable 103
Literary Contest 104
Literary Evening 109
Literary People 111
Measuring Party 112
Medical Sociable 113
Medical Trunk 114
Military Sociable 115
Morning Glory Fair 116
Mother Goose Game 116
Musical Card Party 117
Musical Evening 118
Musical Guessing Contest 119
Musical Romance 119
Musical Terms Illustrated 121
Musicians Buried 122
Mystical Dinner Menu 123
Mystical Party 124
New Year's Eve Party 126
New Year's Resolutions 127
New Year's Sociable 127
Nineteenth Century Game 128
Nose and Goggle Party 129
Noted People 130
Nut Conundrums 130
Nut Party 131
Observation Party 132
Old-Fashioned Dinner 134
Old-Time Country School 134
Old-Time Spelling Bee 138
Orange Party 139
Orange Sociable 141
Patriotic Party 141
Peddlers' Parade 143
Penny for Your Thoughts 144
Photograph Party 145
Pictorial Geography 145
Picture Reading 146
Pictures of Prominent Men 147
Pie Party 147
Pilgrim Luncheon 148
Ping-Pong Luncheon 148
Ping-Pong Party 149
Pin Party 150
P. O. D. Dinner Party 152
Pop-Corn Party 153
Portrait Game 154
Poverty Party 154
Poverty Sociable 156
Presidential Couplets 156
Presidential Questions 158
Presidents' Nicknames 159
Pussy Willow Party 159
Red White and Blue Luncheon 160
"Riley" Entertainment 162
Self-Portraits 163
Seven Days in One 165
Shamrock Luncheon 166
Snowdrift Party 168
Sock Sociable 169
Spinning Party 170
Spinster Tea 173
State Abbreviations 174
State Flowers 175
State Nicknames 175
State Sociable 176
St. Patrick's Day Party 177
St. Patrick's Guessing Contest 178
Telegram Party 179
Tennis Sociable 180
Ten Virgins (Sacred play) 180
Thanksgiving Day Decorations 181
Thanksgiving Football Dinner 182
Thanksgiving Sociable 185
Transplanting Trees 187
Tree Guessing Contest 187
Tree Party 188
Tree Pool 190
Trolley Party 191
Unique Valentine Party 192
University Luncheon 194
Valentine Entertainment 195
Valentine Fun 196
Valentine Party--Danish 198
Valentine Sociable 200
Variety of Little Misses 201
Vegetable Party 202
Wedding Anniversaries 203
Wedding of the Operas 211
Which is Your Age 213
Which is Your Aunt (Ant) 214
Which is Your City 214
White Ribbon Sociable 215
Why We Never Married 217
Wife of Santa Claus 225