[Footnote 1: These pieces from the pen of Dr. Franklin have never
appeared in any edition of his works, and are from the manuscript book
which contains the Lecture and Essays published in the April number of
the Messenger.]
_Mr. Gazetteer_,--I was highly pleased with your last week's paper
upon SCANDAL, as the uncommon doctrine therein preached is agreeable
both to my principles and practice, and as it was published very
seasonably to reprove the impertinence of a writer in the foregoing
Thursday's Mercury, who, at the conclusion of one of his silly
paragraphs, laments forsooth that the fair sex are so peculiarly
guilty of this enormous crime: every blockhead, ancient and modern,
that could handle a pen, has, I think, taken upon him to cant in the
same senseless strain. If to _scandalize_ be really a crime, what do
these puppies mean? They describe it--they dress it up in the most
odious, frightful and detestable colors--they represent it as the
worst of crimes, and then roundly and charitably charge the whole race
of womankind with it. Are not they then guilty of what they condemn,
at the same time that they condemn it? If they accuse us of any other
crime they must necessarily scandalize while they do it; but to
scandalize us with being guilty of scandal, is in itself an egregious
absurdity, and can proceed from nothing but the most consummate
impudence in conjunction with the most profound stupidity.
This, supposing as they do, that to scandalize is a crime; which you
have convinced all reasonable people is an opinion absolutely
erroneous. Let us leave then, these select mock-moralists, while I
entertain you with some account of my life and manners.
I am a young girl of about thirty-five, and live at present with my
mother. I have no care upon my head of getting a living, and therefore
find it my duty as well as inclination to exercise my talent at
CENSURE for the good of my country folks. There was, I am told, a
certain generous emperor, who, if a day had passed over his head in
which he had conferred no benefit on any man, used to say to his
friends, in Latin, _Diem perdidi_, that is, it seems, _I have lost a
day_. I believe I should make use of the same expression, if it were
possible for a day to pass in which I had not, or missed, an
opportunity to scandalize somebody: but, thanks be praised, no such
misfortune has befel me these dozen years.
Yet whatever good I may do, I cannot pretend that I at first entered
into the practice of this virtue from a principle of public spirit;
for I remember that when a child I had a violent inclination to be
ever talking in my own praise, and being continually told that it was
ill-manners and once severely whipped for it, the confined stream
formed itself a new channel, and I began to speak for the future in
the dispraise of others. This I found more agreeable to company and
almost as much so to myself: for what great difference can there be
between putting yourself up or putting your neighbor down? _Scandal_,
like other virtues, is in part its own reward, as it gives us the
satisfaction of making ourselves appear better than others, or others
no better than ourselves.
My mother, good woman, and I, have heretofore differed upon this
account. She argued that Scandal spoilt all good conversation, and I
insisted that without it there would be no such thing. Our disputes
once rose so high that we parted tea-tables, and I concluded to
entertain my acquaintance in the kitchen. The first day of this
separation we both drank tea at the same time, but she with her
visitors in the parlor. She would not hear of the least objection to
any one's character, but began a new sort of discourse in some such
queer philosophical manner as this: _I am mightily pleased sometimes,_
says she, _when I observe and consider that the world is not so bad as
people out of humor imagine it to be. There is something amiable, some
good quality or other in every body. If we were only to speak of
people that are least respected, there is such a one is very dutiful
to her father, and methinks has a fine set of teeth; such a one is
very respectful to her husband; such a one is very kind to her poor
neighbors, and besides has a very handsome shape; such a one is always
ready to serve a friend, and in my opinion there is not a woman in
town that has a more agreeable air or gait._ This fine kind of talk,
which lasted near half an hour, she concluded by saying, _I do not
doubt but every one of you has made the like observations, and I
should be glad to have the conversation continued upon this subject._
Just at this juncture I peeped in at the door, and never in my life
before saw such a set of simple vacant countenances. They looked
somehow neither glad nor sorry, nor angry nor pleased, nor indifferent
nor attentive; but (excuse the simile) like so many images of rye
dough. I, in the kitchen, had already begun a ridiculous story of Mr.
----'s intrigue with his maid, and his wife's behavior on the
discovery; at some of the passages we laughed heartily; and one of the
gravest of mamma's company, without making any answer to her discourse
got up _to go and see what the girls were so merry about_: she was
followed by a second, and shortly by a third, till at last the old
gentlewoman found herself quite alone, and being convinced that her
project was impracticable came herself and finished her tea with us;
ever since which _Saul also has been among the prophets_, and our
disputes lie dormant.
By industry and application I have made myself the centre of all the
scandal in the province; there is little stirring but I hear of it. I
began the world with this maxim, that no trade can subsist without
returns; and accordingly, whenever I received a good story, I
endeavored to give two or a better in the room of it. My punctuality
in this way of dealing gave such encouragement that it has procured me
an incredible deal of business, which without diligence and good
method it would be impossible for me to go through. For besides the
stock of defamation thus naturally flowing in upon me, I practice an
art by which I can pump {350} scandal out of people that are the least
inclined that way. Shall I discover my secret? Yes; to let it die with
me would be inhuman. If I have never heard ill of some person I always
impute it to defective intelligence; _for there are none without their
faults, no, not one_. If she be a woman, I take the first opportunity
to let all her acquaintance know I have heard that one of the
handsomest or best men in town has said something in praise either of
her beauty, her wit, her virtue, or her good management. If you know
any thing of human nature, you perceive that this naturally introduces
a conversation turning upon all her failings, past, present and to
come. To the same purpose and with the same success I cause every man
of reputation to be praised before his competitors in love, business,
or esteem, on account of any particular qualification. Near the times
of election, if I find it necessary, I commend every candidate before
some of the opposite party, listening attentively to what is said of
him in answer. But commendations in this latter case are not always
necessary and should be used judiciously. Of late years I needed only
observe what they said of one another freely; and having for the help
of memory taken account of all informations and accusations received,
whoever peruses my writings after my death, may happen to think that
during a certain time the people of Pennsylvania chose into all their
offices of honor and trust, the veriest knaves, fools and rascals, in
the whole province. The time of election used to be a busy time with
me, but this year, with concern I speak it, people are grown so good
natured, so intent upon mutual feasting and friendly entertainment,
that I see no prospect of much employment from that quarter.
I mentioned above that without good method I could not go through my
business. In my father's life time I had some instruction in accounts,
which I now apply with advantage to my own affairs. I keep a regular
set of books and can tell at an hour's warning how it stands between
me and the world. In my _Daybook_ I enter every article of defamation
as it is transacted; for scandals _received in_ I give credit, and
when I pay them out again I make the persons to whom they respectively
relate, _Debtor_. In my _Journal_, I add to each story, by way of
improvement, such probable circumstances as I think it will bear, and
in my _Ledger_ the whole is regularly posted.
I suppose the reader already condemns me in his heart for this
particular of _adding circumstances_, but I justify this part of my
practice thus. It is a principle with me that none ought to have a
greater share of reputation than they really deserve; if they have, it
is an imposition upon the public. I know it is every one's interest,
and therefore believe they endeavor to conceal all their vices and
follies; and I hold that those people are _extraordinary_ foolish or
careless, who suffer one-fourth of their failings to come to public
knowledge. Taking then the common prudence and imprudence of mankind
in a lump, I suppose none suffer above one-fifth to be discovered;
therefore, when I hear of any person's misdoing, I think I keep within
bounds, if in relating it I only make it three times worse than it is;
and I reserve to myself the privilege of charging them with one fault
in four, which for aught I know they may be entirely innocent of. You
see there are but few so careful of doing justice as myself; what
reason then have mankind to complain of _Scandal_? In a general way
the worst that is said of us is only half what might be said, if all
our faults were seen.
But alas! two great evils have lately befallen me at the same time; an
extreme cold that I can scarce speak, and a most terrible toothache
that I dare hardly open my mouth. For some days past I have received
ten stories for one I have paid; and I am not able to balance my
accounts without your assistance. I have long thought that if you
would make your paper a vehicle of scandal, you would double the
number of your subscribers. I send you herewith accounts of four
knavish tricks, two * * *, five * * * * *, three drubbed wives, and
four henpecked husbands, all within this fortnight; which you may, as
articles of news, deliver to the public, and if my toothache continues
shall send you more, being in the mean time your constant reader,