_My dear Varvara Alexievna!_
I am quite beside myself as I write this. I am utterly upset by a most
terrible occurrence. My head is whirling. I feel as though everything
were turning in dizzy circles round about me. Ah, my dearest, what a
thing I have to tell you now! We had not even a presentiment of such a
thing. No, I don't believe that I did not have a presentiment--I
foresaw it all. My heart forewarned me of this whole thing! I even
dreamed of something like it not long ago.
This is what has happened! I will relate it to you without attempting
fine style, and as the Lord shall put it into my soul. I went to the
office to-day. When I arrived, I sat down and began to write. But you
must know, my dear, that I wrote yesterday also. Well, yesterday
Timofei Ivan'itch came to me, and was pleased to give me a personal
order. "Here's a document that is much needed," says he, "and we're in
a hurry for it. Copy it, Makar Alexievitch," says he, "as quickly and
as neatly and carefully as possible: it must be handed in for
signature to-day." I must explain to you, my angel, that I was not
quite myself yesterday, and didn't wish to look at anything; such
sadness and depression had fallen upon me! My heart was cold, my mind
was dark; you filled all my memory, and incessantly, my poor darling.
Well, so I set to work on the copy; I wrote clearly and well, only,--I
don't know exactly how to describe it to you, whether the Evil One
himself tangled me up, or whether it was decreed by some mysterious
fate, or simply whether it was bound to happen so, but I omitted a
whole line, and the sense was utterly ruined. The Lord only knows what
sense there was--simply none whatever. They were late with the papers
yesterday, so they only gave this document to his Excellency for
signature this morning. To-day I presented myself at the usual hour,
as though nothing at all were the matter, and set myself down
alongside Emelyan Ivanovitch.
I must tell you, my dear, that lately I have become twice as
shamefaced as before, and more mortified. Of late I have ceased to
look at any one. As soon as any one's chair squeaks, I am more dead
than alive. So to-day I crept in, slipped humbly into my seat, and
sat there all doubled up, so that Efim Akimovitch (he's the greatest
tease in the world) remarked in such a way that all could hear him,
"Why do you sit so like a y-y-y, Makar Alexievitch?" Then he made such
a grimace that everybody round him and me split with laughter, and of
course at my expense. They kept it up interminably! I drooped my ears
and screwed up my eyes, and sat there motionless. That's my way; they
stop the quicker. All at once I heard a noise, a running and a tumult;
I heard--did my ears deceive me? They were calling for me, demanding
me, summoning Dyevushkin. My heart quivered in my breast, and I didn't
know myself what I feared, for nothing of the sort had ever happened
to me in the whole course of my life. I was rooted to my chair,--as
though nothing had occurred, as though it were not I. But then they
began again, nearer at hand, and nearer still. And here they were,
right in my very ear: "Dyevushkin! Dyevushkin!" they called; "where's
Dyevushkin?" I raise my eyes, and there before me stands Evstafiy
Ivanovitch; he says:--"Makar Alexievitch, hasten to his Excellency as
quickly as possible! You've made a nice mess with that document!"
That was all he said, but it was enough, wasn't it, my dear,--quite
enough to say? I turned livid, and grew as cold as ice, and lost my
senses; I started, and I simply didn't know whether I was alive or
dead as I went. They led me through one room, and through another
room, and through a third room, to the private office, and I presented
myself! Positively, I cannot give you any account of what I was
thinking about. I saw his Excellency standing there, with all of them
around him. It appears that I did not make my salute; I forgot it
completely. I was so scared that my lips trembled and my legs shook.
And there was sufficient cause, my dear. In the first place, I was
ashamed of myself; I glanced to the right, at a mirror, and what I
beheld therein was enough to drive any man out of his senses. And in
the second place, I have always behaved as though there were no place
for me in the world. So that it is not likely that his Excellency was
even aware of my existence. It is possible that he may have heard it
cursorily mentioned that there was a person named Dyevushkin in the
department, but he had never come into any closer relations.
He began angrily, "What's the meaning of this, sir? What are you
staring at? Here's an important paper, needed in haste, and you go
and spoil it. And how did you come to permit such a thing?" Here his
Excellency turned on Evstafiy Ivanovitch. I only listen, and the
sounds of the words reach me: "It's gross carelessness. Heedlessness!
You'll get yourself into trouble!" I tried to open my mouth for some
purpose or other. I seemed to want to ask forgiveness, but I couldn't;
to run away, but I didn't dare to make the attempt: and then--then, my
dearest, something so dreadful happened that I can hardly hold my pen
even now for the shame of it. My button--deuce take it--my button,
which was hanging by a thread, suddenly broke loose, jumped off,
skipped along (evidently I had struck it by accident), clattered and
rolled away, the cursed thing, straight to his Excellency's feet, and
that in the midst of universal silence. And that was the whole of my
justification, all my excuse, all my answer, everything which I was
preparing to say to his Excellency!
The results were terrible! His Excellency immediately directed his
attention to my figure and my costume. I remembered what I had seen in
the mirror; I flew to catch the button! A fit of madness descended
upon me! I bent down and tried to grasp the button, but it rolled and
twisted, and I couldn't get hold of it, in short, and I also
distinguished myself in the matter of dexterity. Then I felt my last
strength fail me, and knew that all, all was lost! My whole reputation
was lost, the whole man ruined! And then, without rhyme or reason,
Teresa and Faldoni began to ring in both my ears. At last I succeeded
in seizing the button, rose upright, drew myself up in proper salute,
but like a fool, and stood calmly there with my hands lined down on
the seams of my trousers! No, I didn't, though. I began to try to fit
the button on the broken thread, just as though it would stick fast by
that means; and moreover, I began to smile and went on smiling.
At first his Excellency turned away; then he scrutinized me again, and
I heard him say to Evstafiy Ivanovitch:--"How's this? See what a
condition he is in! What a looking man! What's the matter with him?"
Ah, my own dearest, think of that--"What a looking man!" and "What's
the matter with him!"--"He has distinguished himself!" I heard
Evstafiy say; "he has no bad marks, no bad marks on any score, and his
conduct is exemplary; his salary is adequate, in accordance with the
rates." "Well then, give him some sort of assistance," says his
Excellency; "make him an advance on his salary."--"But he has had it,
he has taken it already, for ever so long in advance. Probably
circumstances have compelled him to do so; but his conduct is good,
and he has received no reprimands, he has never been rebuked." My dear
little angel, I turned hot and burned as though in the fires of the
bad place! I was on the point of fainting. "Well," says his Excellency
in a loud voice, "the document must be copied again as quickly as
possible; come here, Dyevushkin, make a fresh copy without errors; and
listen to me;" here his Excellency turned to the others and gave them
divers orders, and sent them all away. As soon as they were all gone,
his Excellency hastily took out his pocket-book, and from it drew a
hundred-ruble bank-note. "Here," said he, "this is all I can afford,
and I am happy to help to that extent; reckon it as you please, take
it,"--and he thrust it into my hand. I trembled, my angel, my whole
soul was in a flutter; I didn't know what was the matter with me; I
tried to catch his hand and kiss it. But he turned very red in the
face, my darling, and--I am not deviating from the truth by so much as
a hair's-breadth--he took my unworthy hand, and shook it, indeed he
did; he took it and shook it as though it were of equal rank with his
own, as though it belonged to a General like himself. "Go," says he;
"I am glad to do what I can. Make no mistakes, but now do it as well
as you can."
Now, my dear, this is what I have decided: I beg you and Feodor--and
if I had children I would lay my commands upon them--to pray to God
for him; though they should not pray for their own father, that they
should pray daily and forever, for his Excellency! One thing more I
will say, my dearest, and I say it solemnly,--heed me well, my
dear,--I swear that, no matter in what degree I may be reduced to
spiritual anguish in the cruel days of our adversity, as I look on you
and your poverty, on myself, on my humiliation and incapacity,--in
spite of all this, I swear to you that the hundred rubles are not so
precious to me as the fact that his Excellency himself deigned to
press my unworthy hand, the hand of a straw, a drunkard! Thereby he
restored my self-respect. By that deed he brought to life again my
spirit, he made my existence sweeter forevermore, and I am firmly
convinced that, however sinful I may be in the sight of the Almighty,
yet my prayer for the happiness and prosperity of his Excellency will
reach his throne!
My dearest, I am at present in the most terrible state of spiritual
prostration, in a horribly overwrought condition. My heart beats as
though it would burst out of my breast, and I seem to be weak all
over. I send you forty-five rubles, paper money. I shall give twenty
rubles to my landlady, and keep thirty-five for myself; with twenty I
will get proper clothes, and the other fifteen will go for my living
expenses. But just now all the impressions of this morning have shaken
my whole being to the foundations. I am going to lie down for a bit.
Nevertheless, I am calm, perfectly calm. Only, my soul aches, and down
there, in the depths, my soul is trembling and throbbing and
quivering. I shall go to see you; but just now I am simply intoxicated
with all these emotions. God sees all, my dearest, my own darling, my
precious one.
Your worthy friend,
MAKAR DYEVUSHKIN.
Translation of Isabel F. Hapgood.