"In Martha's room it was as silent as death. I put my ear to the

keyhole; nothing was audible. She might as well have been dead or

flown.

"Terror seized me. I knelt down in front of the keyhole, begged and

implored, and finally threatened to fetch our parents if she still

persisted in giving no sign of life.

"Then at length she vouchsafed me an answer. I heard a voice: 'Spare

me, child, just for to-day spare me!' And this voice sounded so strange

that I hardly recognised it.

"I went on my way now, but my fear increased lest he might set forth

with anger and disappointment in his heart, without a word of

explanation, without ever having suspected the greatness of Martha's

love.

"A very fever burnt within my brain, and every pulsation of my veins

cried out to me: 'You must speak to him--you must speak to him!'

"I half undressed and threw myself on the sofa. The clock struck

eleven--it struck half-past eleven. Still his footsteps resounded

through the house. But the later it was, the more did it grow

impossible for me to carry out my resolve.

"What if a servant should spy upon me--should see me stealing into our

guest's room! My heart stood still at the thought.

"The clock struck twelve. I opened the window and looked out upon the

world. Everything seemed asleep, even from Robert's and Martha's rooms

no light shone forth. Both were burying their sorrow and anguish in the

lap of darkness.

"With the night wind that beat against the casement, the words droned

in my ears: 'You must--you must!' And like a soft sweet melody it

coaxed and cajoled at intervals: 'Thus you will see him again--will

feel his hand in yours--will hear his voice--perhaps even his laugh; do

you not want to bring him happiness--the happiness of his life?'

"With a sudden impulse I shut the casement, wrapped myself in my

dressing-gown, took my slippers in my hand and stole out into the dark

corridor.

"Ah, how my heart beat, how my blood coursed through my temples! I

staggered--I was obliged to support myself by the walls.

"Now I stood outside his door. Even yet his footsteps shook the boards.

But the noise of his heavy tread had ceased. He had evidently divested

himself of his boots.

"'You must not knock!' it struck me suddenly, 'that would not escape

Martha.'

"My hand grasped the door-handle. I shuddered. I do not know how I

opened the door. I felt as if some one else had done it for me.

"Before me the outline of his mighty figure----.

"A low cry from his lips--a bound towards me. Then I felt both my hands

clutched--felt a hot wave of breath near my forehead.

"At the first moment the mad idea may have darted through his brain,

that Martha had in such impetuous manner bethought herself of her old

love--in the next he had already recognised me.

"'For Heaven's sake, child,' he cried, 'whatever has possessed you?

What brings you to me? Has no one possibly seen you, say--has no one

seen you?'

"I shook my head. He still evidently thinks you very stupid, I thought

to myself, and drew a deep breath, for I felt the terrors of my venture

were disappearing from my soul.

"He set me free and hastened to make a light. I groped my way to the

sofa, and dropped down in a corner.

"The light of the candle flared up--it dazzled me. I turned towards the

wall and covered my face. A feeling of weakness, a longing to cling to

something, had come over me. I was so glad to be with him, that I

forgot all else.

"'Olga, my dear, good child,' he urged, 'speak out, tell me what you

want of me?'

"I looked up at him. I saw his swarthy, serious face, in which the

day's trouble had graven deep furrows, and became lost in its

contemplation.

"'What do you want? Do you bring me news of Martha?'

"'Yes, of course, Martha!' I pulled myself together. Away with this

sentimental self-abandon! In my limbs I once more felt the firm

strength of which I was so proud. 'Listen, Robert,' said I, 'you will

not set out at daybreak already.'

'Why should I not do so?' said he, setting his lips.

"'Because I do not wish it!'

"'All due respect to your wishes, my dear child!' replied he, with a

bitter laugh, 'but they alter nothing in my resolve.'

"'So you want to lose Martha for ever?'

"Now I felt myself once more so strong and joyous in my _role_ of

guardian, that I would have taken up fight with the whole world to

bring these two together. Foolish, unsuspecting creature that I was!

"'Have I not already lost her?' he replied, and stared into vacancy.

"'What did she say to you to-day?'

"'Why should I repeat it? She spoke very wisely and very staidly, as

one can only speak if one has ceased to love a person.'

"'And you really believe that?' I asked.

"'Must I not believe it? And after all, what does it signify? Even if

she had retained a remnant of her affection for me, she did well to get

rid of it thoroughly on this occasion; it is better thus, for her as

well as for me. I have nothing to offer her; no happiness, no joy,

not even some little paltry pleasure, nothing but work, and trouble,

and anxiety--from year's end to year's end. And added to that, a

mother-in-law who is hostile to her, who would make her feel it keenly,

that she had come with empty hands.'

"I felt how my blood rushed to my face. I was ashamed, but not for

Martha or myself--for I was of course just as poor as she; no, for him,

that he should have to speak thus of his own mother.

"'And now say yourself, my girl,' he went on, 'is she not wiser, with

such prospects before her, to remain in the shelter of her warm nest,

and to send me about my business, as I could never give her anything

but unhappiness?'

"He dishevelled his hair and ran about the room the while like a hunted

animal.

"'Robert,' said I, 'you are deceiving yourself.'

"He stopped, looked at me and laughed out loud: 'What is it you want of

me? Am I perhaps to demand a written confirmation of her refusal,

before I betake myself off?'

"'Robert,' I continued, without allowing myself to be put out, 'tell me

candidly whether you love her?'

"'Child,' he replied, 'should I be here if I did not love her?'

"With his huge arms outspread he stood before me. I felt as if I must

be crushed between them if they closed around me--everything danced

before my eyes--I squeezed myself further into my corner. And then

there came into my thoughts what I had pictured to myself now and for

years before; how I would love him if I were Martha, and how I should

want him to love me in return.

"'See, Robert.' I said, 'taking me altogether, I am a foolish creature.

But as regards love, I do know about that, not only through the poets;

I have felt it in myself for a long time.'

"'Do you love some one then?' he asked.

"I blushed and shook my head.

"'How else can you feel it within you?' he went on.

"'It came as an inspiration from Heaven,' I replied, lowering my gaze to

the ground, 'but I know I would not love like you two. I would not be

downcast, I would not steal away as you are doing and say: "It is

better so!" I would compel her with the ardour of my soul; I would

conquer her with the strength of my arms; I would clasp her to my

breast and carry her away with me, no matter whither! Out into the

night, into the desert, if no sun would shine upon us, no house give us

shelter. I would starve with her at the roadside, rather than give fair

words to the world--the world that sought to separate me from her.

Thus, Robert, I would act if I were you; and if I were she, I would

laughingly throw myself upon your breast, and would say to you: "Come,

I will go a-begging for you if you have no bread, my lap shall be your

resting-place if you have no bed, your wounds I will heal with my

tears--I will suffer a thousand deaths for your sake, and thank God

that it is vouchsafed to me to do so." You see, Robert, that is how I

imagine love, and not pasted together out of fear of mothers-in-law and

unpaid interests.'

"I had talked myself into a passion. I felt how my cheeks were a-glow,

and then suddenly shame overwhelmed me at the thought that I had thus

laid bare to him my innermost being. I pressed my hands to my face, and

struggled with my tears.

"When I dared to look up again, he was standing before me with

glistening eyes and staring at me.

"'Child,' he said, 'where in all the world did you get that from? Why

it sounded like the Song of Songs.'

"I set my teeth and was silent. I did not know myself how it had come

to me.

"He then seated himself at my side and seized both my hands.

"'Olga.' he went on, 'what you just said was not exactly practical, but

it was beautiful and true, and has stirred up the very depths of my

soul. It seemed to me as if I were listening to a voice from some other

world, and I am almost ashamed of having been faint-hearted and

cowardly. But even if I braced myself up and thought as you do: what

good would it all be, seeing that she no longer cares for me?'

"'She not care for you?' I cried, 'she will die of it, if you leave

her, Robert!'

"'Olga!'

"I saw how a joyful doubt illumined his countenance, and I felt as if a

strange hand were gripping at my throat; but I would not let myself be

deterred from my purpose, and gathering together all my defiance, I

continued: 'I know, Robert, that you will despise me when you have

heard what I am about to tell you; but I must do it, so that you may

understand that you _cannot_ depart. I have played a false game towards

you, Robert, I have betrayed your confidence.'

"And with bated breath, gasping forth the words, I told him what I had

done with his letters.

"I had not nearly finished when I suddenly felt myself seized in his

arms and clasped to his breast.

"'Olga, and this is true?' he cried, quite beside himself with joy,

'can you swear to me that it is the truth?'

"I nodded affirmatively, for the tremor that ran deliciously through my

veins had robbed me of speech.

"'God bless you for this, you wise, brave girl,' he cried, and pressed

me so firmly to his breast that I could hardly draw my breath. I let my

head drop upon his shoulder and closed my eyes. And then I started as I

felt his lips upon mine. It seemed to me as if a flame had touched me.

And again and again he kissed me, quite senseless with gratitude and

happiness.

"I kept thinking: 'Oh, that this moment might never end!' And tremor

upon tremor shook my frame; quite limp I hung in his arms. Only once

the idea darted through my mind: 'May you return his kisses?' But I did

not dare to do so.

"How long he held me thus I do not know, I only felt my head suddenly

fall heavily against the sofa-ledge. Then the pain awakened me as from

a deep, deep dream.

"I lay there motionless and gasped for breath. He noticed it and cried

in alarm, 'You are growing quite pale, child; have you hurt yourself?'

"I nodded, and remarked that it was nothing, and would soon pass over.

Ah! I knew too well that it would not pass over, that it would be

graven in flaming letters upon my heart and upon my senses, that on

many a long, cold, winter's night I should I find warmth in the glow of

this moment, in this glow which was only the reflection of love for

another.

"I knew all that, and felt as if I must succumb beneath the weight of

this consciousness, but I braced myself up, for I had sufficiently

learnt to keep myself under control.

"'Robert,' said I, 'I want to give you a piece of advice, and then let

me go, for I am tired!'

"'Speak, speak!' he cried, 'I will blindly do whatever you wish.'

"Then, as I looked at him, it made me sigh with mingled pain and bliss,

for the thought kept coming to me: 'He has held you in his arms.' I

should have liked best of all to sink back once more with closed eyes

into the sofa-corner, and simulate fainting a little longer, but I

pulled myself together and said: 'I am pretty certain that Martha will

not close her eyes to-night, but be on the watch to see you go. She

will want to look after you; and as her room lies towards the garden

she will either go into yours or the one adjoining. When you get

downstairs wait a little while, and then do as if you had forgotten

something, and then--and then----' I could not go on, for all too

mighty within me was the sobbing and rejoicing: 'He has held you in his

arms.'

"I feared that I should no longer be able to master my

excitement--without a word of farewell I turned to take to flight

precipitately. When I opened the door--Martha stood before me. She

stood there, barefooted, half-dressed, as pale as death, and trembling.

She was unable to stir; her strength probably failed her.

"And at the same moment I heard behind me a glad cry, saw him rush past

me and clasp her tottering form in his arms.

"'Thank God, now I have you!' That was the last I heard; then I fled to

my room as if pursued by furies, locked and bolted everything, and

wept, wept bitterly.

* * * * *

"Over the days that now followed, with their crushing blows of fate,

with their lingering sorrow, I will pass with rapid stride. In them I

became matured: I became a woman.

"Eight months after that night papa was carried home on a waggon-rack.

He had fallen from his horse and sustained grave internal injuries.

Three days later he died. In the misery that now beset the household, I

was the only one who kept a clear head. Martha broke down feebly, and

mama--oh, our poor dear mama! She had been sitting for so many years

comfortably and placidly in the chimney-corner, knitting stockings and

chewing fruit-jujubes the while, that she would not and could not

realise that it must be different now. She spoke not a single word, she

hardly shed a tear, but internally the sore spread, and even had the

brain fever, which attacked her four weeks later, spared her, her

sorrow would still have broken her heart.

"There, now, those two lay in the churchyard, and we two orphans were

left helpless in our desolate home, and waited for the time when we

should be driven forth. I, for my part, knew which way my path lay, and

knew that the future would have nothing to offer me but the hard bread

of service; I did not despair and did not quarrel with my fate. I knew

that I possessed sufficient strength and pride to hold my own even

among strangers, but it was for Martha--who now less than ever could

dispense with love and consolation--that I trembled.

"Her marriage still lay in the far distance; Robert must not let her

wait much longer or she might easily waste away in her misery and one

morning silently die out like a little lamp in which the oil is

consumed.

"I was not deceived in him. To the funerals he had not been able to

come; but his words of consolation had been there at all times, and had

helped Martha over the most trying hours. For me, too, there was

sometimes a crumb of comfort, and I eagerly seized upon it like one

starving.

"One day he himself arrived. 'Now I have come to fetch you home,' he

cried out to Martha. She sank upon his breast and there wept her fill.

The happy creature! I meanwhile crept away into the darkest arbour, and

wondered whether my heart would ever find a home prepared for it, where

it might take refuge in hours of trouble or hours of happiness! I

very well felt that these were idle dreams, for the only place in the

world--in short, a feeling of defiance awoke within me, of bitterness

so great, so galling to my whole nature, that I harshly and gloomily

fled my dear ones' embrace, and grew cold and reserved in solitary

sadness.

"I was to go with them, was to share the remnant of happiness that

still remained for them, and to make a permanent home for myself at my

brother-in-law's hearth; but coldly and obstinately I repudiated his

offer.

"In vain both of them strove to solve the riddle of my behaviour, and

Martha, who fretted because none of her happiness was to fall to my

share, often came at nights to my bedside and wept upon my neck. Then I

felt ashamed of my hard disposition, spoke to her caressingly as to a

child, and did not allow her to leave me till a smile of hope broke

through her trouble.

"For a week Robert worked hard in every direction to dispose of our

belongings and find purchasers for them. Very little remained over for

us; but then we did not require anything.

"Then, quite quietly, the wedding took place. I and the old

head-inspector were the witnesses, and instead of a wedding breakfast

we went out to the churchyard and bade farewell to the newly-made

graves, whose yellow sand the ivy was beginning to cover scantily with

thin trails.

"During the last weeks I had been looking out for a suitable situation.

I had received several offers; I had only to choose. And when Robert,

with grave and solemn looks, placed himself in front of me and

solicitously asked, 'What is to become of you now, child?' with a calm

smile I disclosed to him my plans for the future, so that he clapped

his hands in admiration and cried 'Upon my word I envy you; you

understand how to make your way.'

"And Martha too envied me, that I could see by the sad looks which she

fastened on me and Robert. She herself wished that she might once more

have all my unbroken, youthful strength to lay it upon his altar of

sacrifice. I kissed her and told her to keep up her spirits, and her

eyes with which she looked imploringly up at Robert said: 'I give you

all that I am; forgive me that it is not more.'

"Next morning we set forth; the young couple to their new home--I to go

among strangers.

* * * * *

"Of the next three years I will say nothing at all. What I suffered

during that time in the way of mortification and humiliation is graven

with indelible lines upon my soul; it has finally achieved the

hardening of my disposition, and made me cold and suspicious towards

every living human being. I have learnt to despise their hatred and

still more their love. I have learnt to smile when anguish was tearing

with iron grip at my soul. I have learnt to carry my head erect, when I

could have hidden it in the dust for very shame.

"The leaden heaviness of dreary, loveless days, the terrible weight of

darkness in sleepless nights, the loathsome dissonance of lascivious

flattery, the endless, oppressive silence of strangers' jealousy--with

all these I became familiar.

"It was indeed a hard crust of bread that I ate among strangers, and

often enough I moistened it with my tears.

"The only comfort, the only pleasure that remained to me, were Martha's

letters. She wrote often, at times even daily, and generally there was

a postscript in Robert's scrawling, awkward handwriting. Oh, how I

pounced upon it! How I devoured the words! Thus I lived through their

whole life with them. It was not cheerful--no, indeed not! But still it

was life! Often the waves of trouble closed over them; then both of

them, strong Robert and weak Martha, were defenceless and helpless like

two children, and I had to intervene and tender advice and

encouragement.

"Finally, I had become so well acquainted with their household that I

could have recognised the voice and face of each of their servants, of

every one of their friends and acquaintances.

"Aunt Hellinger I hated with my most ardent hatred, the old physician I

loved with my most ardent love, the insipid set of Philistines who had

such a spiteful way of looking at everything, and so exactly reckoned

out on their fingers the progress of decay on Robert's estate, I held

in iciest contempt. 'Oh that I were in her place!' I often muttered

between my set teeth, when Martha plaintively described the little

trials of their social intercourse, 'how I would send them about their

business, these cold, haughty shopkeepers! how they should crawl in the

dust before me, subdued by my scorn and mockery!'

"But her little joys I also shared with her. I saw her ordering and

disposing as mistress in and out of the house, saw the little band of

willing servants around her, and wished I could have been still gentler

and more helpful than she--this angel in human shape. I saw her seated

on the sunny balcony, bending over her needlework. I saw her taking her

afternoon rest under the great branches of the limes in the garden. I

saw her, as she sat waiting for his appearance, dreamily gazing out

upon the whirling snow-flakes, when, outside, his deep voice resounded

across the courtyard, and inside, the coffee-machine was cosily

humming.

"Thus I lived their life with them, while for me one lonely and joyless

day joined on to the next like the iron links of an endless chain.

"It was in the third year that Martha confessed to me that Robert's

ardent wish and her own silent prayer was to be fulfilled--that she was

to become a mother. But at the same time her terror grew, lest her

weak, frail body should not be equal to the trial which was in store

for her. I hoped and feared with her, and perhaps more than she, for

loneliness and distance distorted the visions of my imagination. Many a

night I woke up bathed in tears; for in my dreams I had already seen

her as a corpse before me. A memory of my earliest girlhood returned to

me, when I had found her one day, rigid and pale, like one dead, upon

the sofa.

"This vision did not leave me. The nearer the decisive term approached,

the more was I consumed with anxiety. I began to suffer bodily from the

misgivings of my brain, and the strangers among whom I dwelt--I will

not mention them by name, for they are not worth naming in these

pages--grew to be mere phantoms for me.

"Martha's last letters sounded proud and full of joyful hope. Her fear

seemed to have disappeared; she already revelled in the delights of

approaching maternity.

"Then followed three days in which I remained without news, three days

of feverish anxiety, and then at length came a telegram from my

brother-in-law--'Martha safely delivered of a boy, wants you. Come

quickly.'

"With the telegram in my hand, I hastened to my mistress and asked for

the necessary leave of absence. It was refused me. I, in wildly aroused

fury, flung my notice to quit in her face, and demanded my freedom

instantly.

"They tried to find excuses, said I could not be spared just then, that

I must at least make up my accounts, and formally hand over my

management; the long and the short of it was, that by means of

despicable pretexts they delayed me for two days, as if to make the

dependant, who had always behaved so proudly, feel once more to the

full the degradation of her humble position.

"Then came a night full of dull stupefaction in the midst of the

sense-confusing noise of a railway carriage, a morning of shivering

expectation spent amidst trunks and hat-boxes in a dreary waiting-room,

where the smell of beer turned one faint. Then a further six hours,

jammed in between a commercial traveller and a Polish Jew, in the

stuffy cushions of a postchaise, and at last--at last in the red glow

of the clear autumn evening, the towers of the little town appeared in

view, near the walls of which those dearest to me--the only dear ones I

possessed in the world--had built their nest.

"The sun was setting when I alighted from the postchaise, between the

wheels of which dead leaves were whirling about in little circles.

"With fast beating heart I looked about me. I thought I saw Robert's

giant figure coming towards me; but only a few stray idlers were

loafing around, and gaped at my strange apparition. I asked the

conductor the way, and, relying for the rest upon Martha's description,

I set forth alone on my search.

"In front of the low shop doors, groups were standing gossiping, and

people out for a walk sauntered leisurely towards me. At my approach

they stopped short, staring at me like at some wonderful bird; and when

I had passed, low whispers and giggles sounded behind me. A horror

seized me at this miserable Philistinism.

"Not until I saw the town gate with its towerlike walls rise up before

me, did my mind grow easier. I knew it quite well. Martha in her

letters was wont to call it the 'Gate of Hell,' for through it she had

to pass when an invitation from her I mother-in-law summoned her into

the town.

"As I walked through the dark vaulting, I suddenly saw on the other

side of the archway, framed as it were in a black frame, the 'Manor'

before my eyes.

"It lay hardly a thousand paces away from me. The white walls of the

manor house gleamed across waving bushes, flooded by the purple rays of

the setting sun. The zinc-covered roof glistened as if a cascade of

foaming water were gliding down over it. From the windows flames seemed

to be bursting, and a storm-cloud hung like a canopy of black curdling

smoke over the coping.

"I pressed my hands to my heart; its beating almost took my breath, so

deeply did the sight affect me. For a moment I had a feeling as if I

must turn back there and then, and hasten away precipitately from this

place, never stopping or staying till the distance gave me shelter.

All my anxiety for Martha was swallowed up in this mysterious fear,

which almost strangled me. I rebuked myself for being foolish and

cowardly, and, gathering together all my strength, I proceeded along

the country road in which half-dried-up puddles gleamed like mirrors in

the cart-ruts. Through the crests of the poplars above me there passed

a hoarse rustling, which accompanied me till I reached the courtyard

gate. Just as I entered it, the last sunbeam disappeared behind the

walls of the manor and the darkness of the mighty lime trees, which

spread from the park across the path, so suddenly enveloped me that I

thought night had come on.

"To the right and left tumble-down brickwork, overgrown with

half-withered celandine, jutted out above ragged thorn-bushes--the

remains of the old castle, upon the ruins of which the manor house had

been erected. An atmosphere of death and decay seemed to lie over it

all.

"I spied fearfully across the vast courtyard, which the dusk of evening

was beginning to cloak in blue mists. At every sound I started; I felt

as if Robert's mighty voice must shout a welcome to me. The courtyard

was empty, the silence of the vesper hour rested upon it. Only from one

of the stable-doors there came the peculiar hissing sound which the

sharpening of a scythe produces. A scent of new-mown hay filled the air

with its peculiarly sweet, pungent aroma.

"Slowly and timidly, like an intruder, I crept along the garden

railings towards the manor house, that seemed to look down upon

me grimly and forbiddingly, with its granite pillars and its

weather-beaten turrets and gables. Here and there the stucco had

crumbled away, and the blackish bricks of the wall appeared beneath it.

It looked as if time, like a long illness, had covered this venerable

body with scars. The front door stood ajar. A large dark hall opened

before me, from which a peculiar odour of fresh chalk and damp fungi

streamed towards me--through small coloured glass windows, placed like

glowing nests close under the ceiling and all covered with cobwebs, a

dim twilight penetrated this space, hardly sufficient to bring into

light the immense cupboards ranged along the walls. A brighter gleam

fell upon a broad flight of stairs worn hollow, the steps of which

rested upon stone pilasters. High vaulted oaken doors led to the inner

apartments, but I did not venture to approach one of them. They seemed

to me like prison gates. I was still standing there, timidly trying to

find my way, when the front door was torn open and through the wide

aperture two great yellow-spotted hounds rushed upon me.

"I uttered a cry. The monsters jumped up at me, snuffed at my clothes,

and then raced back to the door, barking and yelling.

"'Who is there?' cried a voice, whose deep-sounding modulations I had

so often fancied I heard in waking and dreaming. The aperture was

darkened. There he stood.

"Red mists seemed to roll before my eyes. I felt as if my feet were

rooted to the ground. Breathing heavily, I leant against the stair

column.

"'Who the deuce is there?' he cried once more, while he vainly tried to

pierce the darkness with his eyes.

"I gathered up all my defiance. Calmly and proudly, as I had bid him

farewell years before, would I meet him again to-day. What need for him

to know how much I had suffered since then!

"'Olga--really--Olga--is it you?' The suppressed delight that

penetrated through his words gave me a warm thrill of pleasure. I felt

for a moment as if I must throw myself upon his breast and weep out my

heart there, but I kept my composure.

"'Were you not expecting me?' I asked, mechanically stretching out my

hand to him.

"Oh, yes--of course--we have been expecting you every hour for the last

two days--that is, we began to think----"

"He had clasped my hand in both his, and was trying to look into my

face. A peculiar mixture of cordiality and awkwardness lay in his

manner. It seemed as if he were vainly trying to discover traces of his

former good friend in me.

"'How is Martha?' I asked.

"'You will see for yourself.' he replied. 'I do not understand these

things. To me she appears so weak and so fragile that I tell myself it

will be a miracle if she survives it. But the doctor says she is

getting on well, and I suppose he must know best.'

"'And the child?' I asked further.

"A low, suppressed laugh sounded down to me through the semi-obscurity.

"'The child--h'm--the child----' and instead of completing his

sentence, he gave the dogs a kick, which sent them tearing out of the

house forthwith.

"'Come,' he then said, 'I will show you the way.'

"We went upstairs, silently, without looking at each other.

"'You have grown a stranger to him!' I thought to myself, and terror

arose within me, as if I had lost some long-cherished happiness.

"'Wait a moment,' he said, pointing to one of the nearest doors. 'I

should like to say a word to her to prepare her; the excitement, else,

might hurt her.'

"Next moment I stood alone in a dark, high-vaulted corridor, at the

further end of which the rays of the departing day shone in dark

glowing flames, and cast a long streak of light upon the shining flags

of the flooring. Undefined sounds, like the singing of a child's voice,

floated past my ears, when the draught caught in the arches.

"A low cry of joy, which penetrated to me through the door, made me

start up. My blood welled hotly to my heart: I felt as if its rushing

must choke me. Then the door opened, Robert's hand groped for me in the

darkness. Quite dazed, I allowed myself to be pulled forward, and only

recovered myself when I had dropped on my knees at a bedside, burying

my face in the pillows, while a moist, hot hand lovingly stroked my

head. A feeling of homeliness, soft and soothing, such as I had not

known for years, cajoled my senses. I feared to raise my eyes, for I

thought it must all be lost to me again if I did.

"Like a blessing from above the hand rested upon my head. Supreme

gratitude filled my breast. I seized the hand which trembled in mine

and pressed my lips upon it long and passionately.

"'What are you doing there, sister--what are you doing?' I heard her

tired, slightly veiled voice.

"I raised myself up. There she lay before me, pale and thin-faced, with

dark hollows round her eyes, in which tears were glistening. Like a

flake of snow she lay there, so delicate and so white; blue, swollen

veins were traceable on her wan neck, and on her forehead, which seemed

to shine as with a light from within, there stood beads of

perspiration. She was aged and worn since I had last seen her, and it

did not seem as if the crisis of the birth alone had acted

destructively upon her. But her smile remained the same as of old, that

loving, comforting, blessing-dispensing smile, with which she helped

every one, even though she herself might be utterly helpless.

"'And now you will not go away again,' she said, looking at me as if

she could never gaze her fill; 'you will stay with us--for always.

Promise it me--promise it me now at once!'

"I was silent. Happiness had come upon me, burning like a fire from

heaven. It tortured me, it hurt me.

"'Do help me to entreat her, Robert.' she began anew.

"I started. I had entirely forgotten him, and now his presence acted

upon me like a reproach.

"'Give me time to consider it--till to-morrow.' I said, raising

myself up. A dark presentiment awoke within me that here would be no

abiding-place for me for long. Such happiness would have been too great

for me, unhappy being, whom fate mercilessly drove among strangers.

"I saw that Martha was anxious to spare my feelings.

"'Till to-morrow, then.' she said softly, and squeezed my hand; 'and

to-morrow you will have found out how necessary you are to us, and that

we should be crazy if we let you go away again; isn't it so, Robert?'

"'Of course--why, of course!' he said, and with that burst into a laugh

which sounded to me strangely forced. He evidently did not feel

comfortable in the presence of us two. And soon after he took up his

cap and showed signs of going off quietly.

"'Won't you show her our child?' whispered Martha, and a smile of

unutterable bliss spread over her wasted features.

"'Come.' he said, 'it sleeps in the next room.'

"He preceded me. With difficulty he pushed his huge figure through the

half-open door.

"There stood the cradle, lit up by the red rays of the setting sun.

From among the pillows there peeped a little copper-coloured head,

hardly larger than an apple. The wrinkled eyelids were closed, and in

the little mouth was stuck one of the tiny fists, its fingers

contracted, as if in a cramp.

"My glance travelled stealthily up from the child to its father. He had

folded his hands. Devoutly he looked down upon this little human being.

An uncertain smile, half-pleased, half-embarrassed, played about his

lips.

"Now, for the first time, I was able to contemplate him calmly. The

purple evening rays lay bright upon his face, and brought to light,

plainly and distinctly, the furrows and wrinkles which the three last

years had graven upon it. Shades of gloomy care rested upon his brow,

his eyes had lost their lustre, and round about his mouth a twitching

seemed to speak to me of dull submission and impotent defiance.

"Unutterable pity welled up within me. I felt as if I must grasp his

hands and say to him, 'Confide in me--I am strong; let me share your

trouble.' Then, when he raised his eyes, I was terrified lest he should

have noticed my glance, and hastily kneeling down in front of the

cradle, I pressed my lips upon the little face, which started as if in

pain at my touch.

"When I got up I saw that he had left the room.

"Martha's eyes shone in anxious expectation when she saw me. She wanted

to hear her child admired.

"'Isn't it pretty?' she whispered, and stretched out her weak arms

towards me.

"And when her mother's heart was satiated with pride, she bade me sit

down beside her on the pillows and nestled with her head up to my knee,

so that it almost came to lie in my lap.

"'Oh, how cool that is!' she murmured, closed her eyes, and breathed

deeply and quietly as if asleep. With my handkerchief I wiped the

perspiration from her forehead.

"She nodded gratefully, and said: 'I am just a little exhausted yet,

and my limbs feel as if they were broken; but I hope to be able to get

up again to-morrow, and look after the household.'

"'For heaven's sake, what are you dreaming of?' I cried, horrified.

"She sighed. 'I must--I must. It does not let me rest.'

"'What does not let you rest?'

"She did not answer, and then suddenly she began to weep bitterly.

"I calmed her, I kissed the tears from her lashes and cheeks, and

implored her to pour out her heart to me. 'Are you not happy? Isn't he

good to you?'

"'He is as good to me as God's mercy; but I am not happy--I am

wretched, sister; so wretched that I cannot describe it to you.'

"'And why, in all the world?'

"'I am afraid!'

"'Of what?'

"'That I--make him unhappy; that I am not the right one for him.'

"A sudden icy coldness ran through me. It seemed to emanate from her

body upon mine.

"'You see, you feel it too!' she whispered, and looked up at me with

great frightened eyes.

"'You are foolish.' I said, and forced myself to laugh; but the

chillness did not leave my limbs. A dark suspicion told me that perhaps

she might be right. But now it was for me to comfort her!

"'However could you give way to such silly self-torture?' I cried.

'Does not his behaviour at all times prove to you how wrong you are?'

"'I know, what I know,' she answered, softly; with that obstinacy of

endurance which is given as a weapon to the weak. 'And what I am now

telling you, does not date from to-day--the fear is years old; I had it

in my heart already before I was engaged to him, and I quite well knew

at that time why I refused him--for very love!'

"'Martha, Martha!' I cried, reproachfully; 'it seems to me that you

concealed a great deal from me.'

"'At that time I did tell you everything,' she replied. 'You only would

not believe me; you wanted to make me happy by force, and later why

should I say anything? On paper everything sounds so different from

what one means; you might even have thought you discovered a reproach

against him or even against yourself, and naturally I could not risk

such a misunderstanding growing up. My misery already began on the

first day when we arrived here. I saw how he and his mother fell out,

and a voice within me cried: "You are the cause of it." I saw how he

grew sadder and gloomier from day to day, and again and again I said in

my heart: "You are the cause of it." At nights I lay awake at his side,

and tortured myself with the thought: why are you so dull and so

depressing, and why can you do nothing but cling to him weeping, and

suffer doubly when you see him suffering? Why have you not learnt to

greet him with a song as soon as he comes in, and with a laugh to kiss

away the wrinkles from his brow? And more than this. Why are you not

proud, and strong, and wise, and why can you not say to him: Take

refuge with me, when you are fainthearted--from me you shall derive new

strength, and I will take care that you do not stumble. This is how you

would have done, sister--no--do not contradict me; often enough I have

imagined how you would have stood there with your tall figure, and

would have opened out your arms to him so that he might seek shelter

within them, like in a harbour where storms do not dare to enter....

But look at _me_'--and she cast a pitiable glance at her poor, delicate

frame, the haggard outlines of which were traceable beneath the

coverlet--'would it not sound ridiculous if I were to say anything of

the sort? I, who am almost submerged in his arms, so small and weak am

I,--I am only here to seek shelter; to give shelter is not in my

power.... Do you see; all this I have thought out in the long, dark

nights, and have grown more and more despondent. And in the mornings I

forced myself to laugh, and tried to pass for a sort of cheerful, happy

little bird, for this _role_, I thought to myself, is the most suitable

one for you, and is most likely to please him; but song and laughter

stuck in my throat, and I daresay he could see it too, for he smiled

pitifully to it all, so that I felt doubly ashamed.'

"She stopped exhausted, and hid her face in my dress, then she

continued:

"'And as that would not do, I tried at least to compensate him in other

ways. You know that all my life I have toiled and moiled, but never

have I worked so hard as in these three years. And when I felt myself

growing faint and my knees threatened to give way under me, the thought

spurred me on again: "Show that at least you are of _some_ good to him;

do not ever let him become conscious of how little he possesses in

you.... But of what avail is it all! My efforts are not the least good.

Everything goes topsy-turvy all the same, as soon as ever I turn my

back. I am constantly in terror lest one day my management should no

longer suffice him."'

"Thus the poor creature lamented, and I felt positively frightened at

so much misery.

"'Listen, I have a favour to ask of you,' she begged at last, and

clutched my hands; 'do try and sound him as to whether he is--is

satisfied with me, and then come and tell me.'

"I drew her to me; I lavished loving epithets upon her, and endeavoured

to soothe away her fear and trouble. Eagerly she drank in every one of

my words; her feverishly glowing eyes hung spellbound upon my lips, and

from time to time a feeble sigh escaped her.

"'Oh, if I had always had you near me!' she cried, stroking my hands.

But then a fresh idea seemed to make her despondent again. I urged her,

but she would not put it into words, until at length it came out with

stuttering and stammering.

"'You will do everything a thousand times better than I; you will show

him what he _might_ have had, and what he _has_. Through you he will

finally realise what a miserable creature I am.'

"I was alarmed; then I felt plainly: my dream of possessing a home was

already dreamed out. How could I remain in this place, when my own

sister was consuming herself with jealous anxiety on my account?

"She felt herself that she had pained me; stretching up her thin arms

to my neck, she said: 'You must not misunderstand me, Olga. What I feel

is not jealousy; I am so little jealous, that I have no more ardent

wish than that you two should become united after my death, and----'

"'After your death!' I cried, in horror. 'Martha, you are sinning

against yourself!'

"She smiled in mournful resignation.

"'I know that better than you.' she said. 'My vital strength has been

broken for a long time. The long waiting in those days already undid

me. Now, of course, I thought that with this birth all would be nicely

at an end, and that is why I longed so for you, because I wanted first

to arrange everything clearly between you two. But, however things may

turn out, it won't be long before I have to give in and die, and before

then I want to feel sure that I am leaving him and the child in good

keeping.'

"I shuddered, and then a sudden lassitude came over me. I felt as if I

must throw myself down at the bedside and weep, and weep--weep my very

heart out. Then from the next room came the crying of the child, which

had woke up and wanted its nurse. I drew a deep breath, and bethought

myself of the duty which was imposed upon me.

"'Do you hear, Martha? 'I cried. 'You are ready to despair when Heaven

has bestowed on you the greatest blessing that a woman can know?

Through your child you will raise yourself up anew; its young life will

also bring new strength to yours.'

"Her eyes shone for an instant, then she sank back and smilingly closed

her lids. The feeling of motherhood was the only one capable of winging

her hope.

"Once more she opened her lips, and murmured something. I bent down to

her, and asked: 'What is it, sister?'

"'I should like to be of some use in the world,' she said with a sigh,

and with this thought she fell asleep.

"It had grown pitch dark when Robert entered the room. In sudden fright

I started up. A feeling seized me as if I must hide away, and flee from

him to the ends of the earth: 'He must not find you; he shall not find

you!' a voice within me cried. My cheeks were flaming, and a vague fear

arose in me lest their tell-tale glow might gleam through the darkness.

"He approached the bed, listened for a while to Martha's quiet

breathing, and then said softly: 'Come, Olga! You are tired; eat

something, and go to rest, too.'

"I should have liked to remonstrate, for I was afraid of being alone

with him; but in order not to wake my sleeping sister, I obeyed

silently.

"The dining-room was a vast, whitewashed apartment, packed full of

old-fashioned furniture, which kept guard along the walls like

crouching giants. Under the hanging-lamp stood a table with two covers

laid.

"'I let the household finish their meal first,' said Robert, turning

towards me, 'for I did not want to bother you with strange faces.' With

that he threw himself heavily into an arm-chair, rested his chin on his

hand, and stared into the salt-cellar.

"Why, you are not eating anything!' he said, after a while. I shook my

head. I could not for the life of me have swallowed a morsel, though

hunger was gnawing at my entrails. The sight of him positively

paralysed me.

"Renewed silence.

"'How do you find her?' he asked at length.

"'I do not know,' said I, speaking by main force, 'whether I ought to

be pleased or anxious!'

"'Why anxious?' he asked, quickly, and in his eyes there gleamed an

indefinite fear.

"'She tortures herself----'

"A look of rapid understanding flew across to me, a look which said:

'Do you also know that already? Then he raised his fist, stretched

himself and sighed. His bushy hair had fallen over his forehead. The

bitter lines about his mouth grew deeper.

"I was alarmed--alarmed at myself. Did not what I had just said sound

like an accusation against Martha; did it not provoke an accusation

against her?

"'She loves you much too much.' I replied, biting my lips. I knew I

should pain him, and I meant to do so.

"He started and looked at me for a while in open astonishment; then he

nodded several times to himself and said, 'You are right with your

reproach, she does love me much too much.'

"Then I should already have liked to ask his forgiveness again. Surely

he did not deserve my malice! His soul was pure and clear as the

sunlight, and it was only within me that there was darkness. I felt as

if I must choke with suppressed tears. I saw that I could not contain

myself any longer, and rose quickly.

"'Good-night, Robert.' I said, without giving him my hand; 'I am

overtired--must go to bed--leave me--one of the servants will show me

my way. Leave me--I tell you!'

"I screamed out the last words as if in anger, so that he stopped

perturbed. In the cool, semi-obscure corridor I began to feel calmer.

For a time I walked up and down breathing heavily, then I fetched one

of the maids to show me the way.

"'Mistress arranged everything in the room herself yet, and gave orders

that no one was to touch it. There is a letter, too, for you, miss.'

"When I was alone, I held survey. My good, dear sister! She had

faithfully remembered my slightest wishes, every one of my little

habits of formerly, and had thought out everything that could make my

room as cosy and homely as possible. Nothing was wanting of the things

which I prized in those days. Over the bed hung a red-flowered curtain

exactly like the one beneath the hangings of which I had dreamed my

first girlish dreams; on the window-sill stood geraniums and cyclamen,

such as I had always tended, on the walls hung the same pictures upon

which my glance had been wont to rest at waking, on the shelves stood

the same books from which my soul had derived its first food of love.

"'Iphigenia,' which in those bright calm days had been my favourite

poem, lay open on the table. Ah, good heavens! how long it already was

since I had read in it, for how long already had I passed it by,

because the calm dignity of the holy priestess pained my soul.

"Between the leaves was placed the letter of which the girl had told

me. A gentle presentiment, a presentiment of new, undeserved love came

over me as I tore open the envelope and read:--

"'My Darling Sister,--When you enter this room I shall not be able to

bid you welcome. I shall then be lying ill, and perhaps even my lips

will be closed for ever. You will find everything as you used to have

it at home. It has been prepared for you a long time already everything

was awaiting you. Whether sorrow or joy may attend you here, lie down

to rest in peace and fall asleep with the consciousness that you have

entered your home. Try and learn to love Robert as he will learn to

love you. Then all must turn out well yet, whether God leaves me with

you or takes me to Himself.

"'Your sister

"'Martha.'

"It was nothing new that she said to me here, and yet this touchingly

simple proof of her love took such powerful hold of me, that at the

first moment I only had the one feeling, that I must rush to her

bedside and confess to her how unworthy was the being to whom she

offered the shelter of her heart and home.

"For I was no longer in doubt: the ill-fated passion which I believed I

had uprooted from my soul, had once more profusely sprung into growth;

the wounds, healed up long ago, had opened anew at the first sight of

him; I felt as if my warm blood were gushing out from them in streams.

Hushing-up and concealment were no longer possible; the vague charm of

dawning impressions, the sweet abandon to the intoxication of youth,

were things of the past; the bare, glaring light of matured knowledge,

the rigid barriers of strict self-restraint had taken their place. Yes,

I loved him, loved him with such ardour, such pain, as only a heart can

love which has been steeled by the glow of hatred and suffering. And

not since to-day, not since yesterday! I had grown up with this love, I

had clung to it in secret heart's desire, my whole being had derived

its strength from it, with it I stood and fell, in it lay my life and

my death.

"What did I care whether he deserved it, whether he understood me! He

was not intended to understand it. And not he, it was I who must gain a

right to this love. I knew too well at this hour that I should never be

able to banish it from my heart. The question was to submit to it, as

one submits to eternal fate; but it must not become a sin. It should

live on purely, in a pure heart.

"And surely I had not been called in vain to this house! A mission, a

great holy mission awaited me. Martha should perceive forthwith that a

beneficent genius was watching over her home. Through me she should

learn actively to utilise the love by which she was consumed, for the

good of her loved one; through me her courage should be revived and her

soul receive new strength. How I would support and comfort her in dark

despondent hours! How I would force myself to laugh when a tearful mood

troubled the atmosphere! How I would banish the clouds from their

gloomy brows with daring jests, and anxiously take care that there

should always remain a last little remnant of sunshine within these

walls!

"My life should pass away void of desire, happy only in the happiness

of my loved ones, discreet, resigned and faithful. I need no longer

seek to avoid Iphigenia's image, for the holy and dignified office of

priestess was awaiting me also.

"With this pious thought the revolt in my soul disappeared; with it I

fell asleep.

"When I awoke on the first morning, I felt contented, almost happy, A

holy calm had come over me, such as I had not known since time

immemorial. I knew that henceforth I should not have to fear even

meeting _him_.

"Martha was still asleep. When I looked through the chink of the door

into her room, I saw her lying with her head thrown far back on the

pillow, and heard her short heavy breathing.

"I crept away, quite easy in my mind, to take up my office as

housekeeper forthwith.

"'She shall no longer work herself to death,' I said to myself, and

rejoiced in my heart. I spent fully an hour going the round of the

premises, during which I formally took the management into my hands.

The old housekeeper showed herself willing, and the servants treated me

with respect. I should anyhow soon have enforced it for myself.

"At the breakfast-table I met Robert. A slight palpitation, which

overcame me on entering, ceased forthwith when I bethought myself of my

yesterday's vow. Calmly, firmly looking into his eyes, I stepped up to

him and gave him my hand.

"'Is Martha still asleep?' I asked.

"He shook his head. 'I have sent for the doctor.' he said, 'she has

passed a bad night--the excitement of seeing you again seems not to

have done her good.'

"I felt somewhat alarmed; but my great resolve had so filled me with

peace and happiness, that I would not give way to fear.

"'Will you help yourself?' I asked, 'I should meanwhile like to look

after her.'

"When I entered her room, I found her still lying in the same position

in which I had left her early in the morning, and as I approached the

bed, I saw that she was staring up at the ceiling with wide-opened

eyes.

"I called out her name in terror; then a feeble smile came over her

face, and feebly she turned towards me and looked into my eyes.

"'Are you not feeling well, Martha?'

"She shook her head wearily, and drew up her fingers slightly. That

meant to say: 'Come and sit by me!'

"And when I had taken her head in my arm a shudder suddenly ran through

her whole body. Her teeth chattered audibly: 'Give me a warm cover.'

she whispered, 'I am shivering so.' I did as she bade me, and once more

sat down at her side. She clutched my hands, as if to warm herself by

them.

"'Have you slept well?' she asked, in the same hoarse falsetto voice

which was quite strange to me in her. I nodded, and felt a hot sense of

shame burn within me. What was my grand unselfish resolve, compared

with this sort of noble self-forgetfulness, which was evident in every

act, however great or small, and was inspired by the same love for

everything? And I even prided myself on my lofty sentiments, conceited

egotist that I was.

"'How did you like the arrangement of your room?' she asked once more,

while a gleam of slight playfulness broke from her mild, sad eyes.

"In lieu of answer, I imprinted a grateful, humble kiss upon her lips.

"'Yes, kiss me! Kiss me once more!' she said. 'Your mouth is so nice

and hot, it warms one's body and soul through.' And again she shivered

with cold.

"A little later Robert came in.

"'Get yourself ready, my child.' he said, stroking Martha's cheeks,

'our uncle, the doctor, is here.'

"Then he beckoned to me and I followed him out of the room. By the

cradle of the new-born babe I found an old man, with a grey stubbly

beard, a red snub nose, and a pair of clever, sharp eyes, with which he

examined me smilingly through his shining spectacles.

"'So this is she?' he said, and gave me his hand. My blood rushed to my

heart; at the first glance I saw that here was some one who felt as a

friend towards me, in whom I might place implicit confidence.

"'God grant that you have come at a good moment,' he continued, 'and we

shall see at once if such is the case. Take me to her, Robert; I don't

suppose it is so bad.'

"I was left alone with the nurse and the child, which restlessly moved

its little fists about.

"'To your happiness also I will earn a claim.' I thought to myself, and

stroked the round bare little head, on which a few hardly visible silky

hairs trembled. Yesterday I had hardly had a glance for the little

being, to-day, as I gazed at it, my heart swelled with unutterable

tenderness. 'Thus much purer and better have you grown since

yesterday.' I said to myself.

"A long time, an alarmingly long time elapsed before the door of the

adjoining room opened again. It was the doctor who came out from it--he

alone. He looked stern and forbidding, and his jaws were working as if

he had something to grind between them.

"'I have sent him away,' he said, 'must speak to you alone.' Then

he took me by the hand and led me to the dining-room, where the

coffee-machine was still steaming.

"'I have great respect for you, my young lady,' he began, and wiped the

drops of perspiration from his forehead; 'according to everything I

have heard about you, you must be a capital fellow, and capable of

bearing the pain, if a certain cloven hoof gives you a treacherous

kick.'

"'Leave the preface, if you please, doctor.' said I, feeling how I grew

pale.

"'Very well! Prefaces are not to my taste either. Your sister'----and

now, after all, he hesitated.

"'My sister--is--in--danger--doctor!' I had wished to prove myself

strong, but my knees trembled under me. I clutched at the edge of the

table to keep myself from falling.

"'That's right--courage--courage!' he muttered, laying his hand on my

shoulder. 'It has come--this unwelcome guest--the fever; there is no

getting away from it any more.'

"I bit my lips. He should not see me tremble. I had often enough heard

of the danger of childbed fever, even if I could not form for myself

any idea of its terrors.

"'Does Robert know?' that was the first thing that entered my mind.

"He shrugged his shoulders and scratched his head. 'I was afraid he

would lose his head--I hardly told him half the truth.'

"'And what is the _whole_ truth?' Standing up fully erect I looked into

his eyes.

"He was silent.

"'Will she die?'

"When he found that from the first I was prepared to face the worst, he

gave a sigh of relief. But I did not hear his reply, for after I had,

apparently calmly, uttered the gruesome words, I suddenly saw once more

before my eyes, with terrible vividness, that vision of my girlish

days, when I had found Martha lying like a corpse on the sofa. I

felt as if the nails of a dead hand were digging themselves into my

breast--before my eyes I saw bloody streaks--I uttered a cry--then I

felt as if a voice called out to me:--'Help, save, give your own life

to preserve hers!' With a sudden jerk I pulled myself together; I had

once more found my strength.

"'Doctor,' I said, 'if she dies, I lose the only thing I possess in the

world, and lose myself with her. But as long as you can make use of me

I will never flinch. Therefore conceal nothing from me. I must have

certainty.'

"'Certainty, my dear child.' he replied, grasping my hands, 'certainty

there will not be till her convalescence or her last moments. Even at

the worst point there may always be a change for the better yet, how

much more then now, when the illness is still in its first stage! Of

course she has not much vital strength left to stake--that is the

saddest part of it. But perhaps we shall succeed in mastering the evil

at its commencement, and then everything would be won.'

"'What can I do to help?' I cried, and stretched out my clasped hands

towards him. 'Ask of me what you will! Even if I could only save her

with my own life, I should still have much to make amends for towards

her.'

"He looked at me in astonishment. How should he have been able to

understand me!

* * * * *

"And now I have come to the hardest part of my task. Since a week I

keep sneaking round these pages, without venturing to take up my pen.

Horror seizes me, when I consider _what_ is awaiting me. And yet it

will be salutary for me once more to recall to my memory those fearful

three days and nights, especially now, when something of a softer,

tenderer feeling seems to be taking root in my heart. Away with it!

Away with every cajoling thought which speaks to me of happiness and

peace. I am destined for solitude and resignation, and if I should ever

forget this, the history of those three days shall once more remind me

of it.

* * * * *

"When I pulled my chair up to my sister's bedside to take up my post as

nurse, I found she had dropped off to sleep. But this was not the sleep

which invigorates and prepares the way for convalescence; like a

nightmare it seemed to lie upon her and to press down her eyelids by

force. Her bosom rose and fell as if impelled from within and repelled

from without. The little waxen-pale, blue-lined face lay half buried in

the pillows, across which her scanty fair plaits crept like small

snakes. I covered my face with my hands. I could not bear the sight.

"The hours of the day passed by ... She slept and slept and did not

think of waking up.

"From time to time I heard the servants' footsteps as they softly crept

past outside--everything else was quiet and lonely. Of Robert no trace.

"At mid-day I felt I must ask after him. They had seen him go out in

the morning into the fields, with his dogs following him. So for hours

he had been wandering about in the rain.

"As the clock struck three he entered, streaming wet, with lustreless

eyes, and his damp unkempt hair matted on his forehead. He must have

been suffering horribly. I was about to approach him, to say a word of

comfort to him, but I did not dare to do so. The scared, gloomy look

which he cast towards me, said distinctly enough: 'What do you want of

me? Leave me alone with my sorrow.'

"Clutching at one of the bed-posts he stood there, and stared down upon

her while he gnawed his lips. Then he went out--silently, as he had

come.

"Again two hours passed in silence and waiting. The carbolic vapours

which rose from the bowl before me began to make my head ache. I cooled

my brow at the window-panes, and unconsciously watched the play of the

dead leaves as they were whirled up in little circles towards the

window.

"It already began to grow dark, when suddenly, outside in the corridor,

was heard the lamenting and screaming of a female voice--so loud, that

even the sleeper started up painfully for a moment. An angry flush flew

to my face. I was on the point of hurrying out in order to turn away

this disturber of peace, but already at the opened door I came into

collision with her.

"At the first glance I recognised this red, bloated face, these little

malicious eyes. Who else could it have been but she, the best of all

aunts and mothers?

"'At length,' a voice within me cried--'at length I shall stand face to

face with you!'

"'So you are Olga,' she cried, always in the same shrill, whining

tones, which seemed to yell through the whole house. 'How do you do, my

little dear? Ah, what a misfortune! Is it really true? I am quite

beside myself!'

"'I beg of you, dear aunt,' said I, folding my arms, 'to be beside

yourself somewhere else, but to modify your voice in the sick room.'

"She stopped short. In all my life I shall never forget the venomous

look which she gave me.

"But now she knew with whom she had to deal. She took up the gauntlet

at once too. 'It is very good of you, my child,' she said, and her

voice suddenly sounded as metallic as a war-trumpet, 'that you are so

anxious about my poor, ailing daughter; but now you can go--you have

become superfluous; I shall stay here myself.'

"'Wait; you shall soon know that you have found your match.' I inwardly

cried; and, drawing myself up to my full height, I replied, with my

most freezing smile: 'You are mistaken, dear aunt; every _stranger_ has

been strictly prohibited from visiting my sister. So I must beg of you

to withdraw to the next room.'

"Her face grew ashy pale, her fingers twitched convulsively, I think

she could have strangled me on the spot; but she went, and good,

lackadaisical uncle, who was always dangling three paces behind her,

went with her.

"In sheer triumph I laughed out loud: 'What should you want, you

mercenary souls, in this temple of pain? Out with you!'

* * * * *

"It grew night. Like a streak of fire the last red rays of the setting

sun lay over the town, the towers of which stood out black and pointed

in the glow. For a long time I watched the fiery clouds, till darkness

had buried them also in its lap.

"The clock struck nine. Then the old doctor came. He sat for a long

time in silence on my chair, stroked my hand at parting, and said:

'Continue--carbolic--all night!' In answer to my anxiously questioning

look, he had nothing but a doubtful shrug of the shoulders.

"From somewhere, two or three rooms away, I heard Robert's voice

talking at the old man. This was the first sign that he too was in the

proximity of the sick-bed. 'Why ever does he stay outside?' I asked

myself; 'it really almost seems as if admission were prohibited.'

"The clock struck ten. Silence all around. The household seemed gone to

rest.

"The wind rattled at the garden railings. It sounded as if some late

guest wished to enter. Was death already creeping round the house? Was

he already counting the grains of sand in his hour-glass?

"Desperate defiance seized me. Without knowing what I did, I rushed

towards the door, as if to throw myself in the path of the threatening

demon.

"Ill-fated creature, I, that I did not suspect what other demon sat

lurking in front of that one, on the threshold!

"A few minutes later Robert entered. Not a word, not a greeting--again

only that swift, scared look which once already had cut me to the

quick. With his heavy, swaying gait he walked up to the bedside,

grasped her hand--that hot, wasted hand, with its bluish nails--and

stared down upon it. And then he sat down in the darkest corner, behind

the stove, and crouched there for two long, long hours.

"With beating heart I waited for him to address me, but he was as

silent as before.

"Soon after midnight he left the room. For a long time yet I heard him

walking up and down outside in the corridor, and, at the muffled sound

of his tramping footsteps, another night came into my mind, when I had

listened, no less trembling in fear and hope, to the same sound. Worlds

lay between then and now, and the young, foolish creature who had then

hearkened out into the darkness, burning with the desire to help and to

sacrifice herself, now appeared to me like a strange, radiant being

from some distant, shining planet.

"The footsteps grew less distinct. He had gone back to his room.

"'Will he return again?' I asked myself, putting my ear to the keyhole.

'In any case he cannot sleep.' And I started joyfully when the sound

once more increased.

"And then the thought came to me, 'What concern is it of yours whether

he returns or not? Are you here in this place for his sake? Is not your

happiness, your life, your all, lying here before you?'

"I fell down by the bedside, and, covering Martha's hands with kisses,

I implored her to have mercy--that I wanted to speak to her--that it

was bursting my heart-strings--that it was stifling me--that I should

suffocate.

"But she did not wake. Doubled up with pain she lay there, a miserable

little heap of bones. On her cheek-bones were little flaming spots. Her

breath panted. Once she moved her lips as if to speak, but the words

died away in a toneless gurgling.

"What a terrible silence all around! The clock ticked, along the wall

by the casement the wind passed softly moaning, and from the other room

sounded the muffled tramp of the wanderer--all else still.

"And suddenly it seemed to me as if in this stillness I heard the blood

in my own body seething and boiling. I listened. Evidently that was my

blood rushing wildly through my veins.

"'Why is its flow not quiet and well-behaved,' I asked myself, 'in

accordance with my great resolve? Is not this sin torn out with all its

roots--burnt out by a thousand purifying fires? Do I not stand here as

the priestess, void of desire, pure and blessed?'

"And again I listened! These are hallucinations, I told myself, and yet

I grew afraid at the gushing and rushing, which seemed to increase with

every minute. I saw a stream which carried me away in its torrents--a

stream of blood! A rock with sheer points jutted out from it. Thereon a

word stood written with flaming letters, the word 'Bloodguiltiness.'

"The footsteps grew louder. I jumped up.... He came, seated himself on

the pillow, wiped the perspiration from her forehead with the flat of

his hand, and passed his fingers through her hair.

"Stealthily I watched him. I hardly dared to breathe any more. His eyes

gleamed bloodshot in their sockets. His lips were pressed together in

bitter reproach. He sat there as if petrified with unuttered pain. The

desire to approach him shook me like a fit of ague. But when I was on

the point of rising, it was as if two iron fists laid themselves upon

my shoulders and forced me back on to my chair.

"At length I spoke his name, and was startled, so strange, so weird did

the sound of my own voice appear to me. He turned round and stared at

me.

"'Robert,' I said, 'why do you not speak to me? You will feel easier if

you let some one else share what is oppressing you.'

"Then he jumped up and grasped both my hands. His touch made me feel

hot and cold all over. But I forced myself to keep my ground, and

firmly looked into his face.

"'That is the first good word that you have vouchsafed me, Olga.' he

said.

"'What do you mean by that, Robert?' I stammered. 'Have I been unkind

towards you?'

"'Only unkind?' he replied. 'Like a stranger, like an intruder you have

treated me, and have driven me from the bedside of my wife.'

"'Heaven forbid!' I cry, and free myself from him, for I feel I am

about to sink upon his breast.

"And he continues, 'Olga, if ever I did you any wrong--I know not what,

but it must be so, else your look and manner would not be so stern and

forbidding towards me--if I did you any wrong, Olga, it was not my

fault. I always meant well towards you. I have--you might always have

been here like at home; you need never have gone among strangers; and

in the presence of that one whom we both love----'

"Why must he mention her name to me? A wild joy had flamed up within

me; I felt as if I had wings; then her name struck me like the cut of a

whip. I bit my lips till they bled. Indeed I would be calm, would act

the guardian angel.

"'Robert,' said I, 'you have been gravely mistaken about me. I never

bore you any ill-will. Only I have grown reserved and defiant among

strangers. You must have patience with me--must trust me. Will you?'

"Then it broke from his eyes like sunshine. 'I have so much to thank

you for already, Olga,' he said; 'how could I do otherwise than

continue to trust you? You know, since that day when we rode together

into the wood, do you remember?'--ah, did I remember indeed!--'since

that day I have loved you like a sister, yes, more than all my sisters.

And at the same time I looked up to you and revered you like my

guardian spirit. That is indeed what you have been to me. You will be

so in future, too, won't you?'

"I nodded silently, and pressed both my hands to my bosom; then, when

he noticed it, I let them drop, but I staggered back three paces; it

was a miracle that I kept myself upright.

"He stepped up to me in alarm. 'I am tired,' I said, and forced myself

to smile. 'Come, we will sit down; the night is long yet.'

"So we both sat opposite each other at the foot of the bed, with the

narrow bedstead between us, rested our arms on the ledge, and looked

across at Martha's face, which moved with cramp-like twitchings. Her

eyelids seemed closed, deep shadows from her lashes fell across her

cheeks; but, on bending down, one could see the whites of the eyes

gleaming with a faint sheen, like mother-of-pearl, in their dark

sockets. He observed it too.

"'As if she had already died,' he murmured, and buried his head in his

hands. 'And if she dies,' he continued, 'she will not die through the

child, not through this wretched fever; through my fault alone, Olga,

she will perish!'

"'For God's sake, what are you saying?' I cried, stretching out my arms

towards him.

"He nodded and smiled bitterly.

"'I have seen it very well, Olga, all through these three years; over

and over again it is my fault. First, I left her longing and fearing

between hope and despair for seven long years, till the strength was

drained in this way from her body and soul--heaven knows she never had

much to spare; and then I dragged her with her sickly body and broken

spirit here into this misery, where all were hostile to her, and those

most hostile who should have held her most dear. And I myself!--yes, if

I myself had been brave and of good cheer, if I could have guarded her

that her foot might not dash against any stone, if I had spread

sunshine across her path, then perhaps she might have flourished at my

side. But I was often rough and surly, stormed and raged in the house

and the farm, never thinking how every loud word made her start, so

that she already grew pale if I only frowned. Look at this little

handful of life, how it lies here; and then look at me, the great,

uncouth, coarse-grained giant! Sometimes in the night when I woke, I

was afraid lest I might possibly crush her in my arms. And, after all,

I have crushed her! What I required was a wife, strong and----'

"He stopped short, terrified, and cast a glance, which eloquently

pleaded for forgiveness, towards Martha's face, but I completed his

sentence for myself.

"When he had left the room a wild feeling of joy seized me. It rushed

through my head like a whirlwind; it confused my senses; my pride, my

defiance, my self-respect, everything seemed to be swallowed up in it.

"The atmosphere of the sick room lay heavily upon me, like a

suffocating cloth. My brain was burning with the carbolic vapours which

rose up from the bowl in front of me. My breath began to fail me.

"I fled to the window, and pressing my forehead against the sash, I

drank in the cold night air which found its way into the room through

the chinks. Morning dawned through the curtains--cold-grey--enveloped

in fog.... Faintly gleaming clouds slowly heaved upwards on the horizon

and threw a fallow sheen over the dripping trees, which seemed to have

grown still more bare overnight.

"What a night!

"And how many, worse than this one, are about to follow? What phantoms,

begotten of darkness, born in horror, will rise up before my fevered

senses as the nights come on?

"Shivering, I crept into a corner. I was afraid of myself.

"The hours of the morning passed away, and by degrees I grew calmer.

The memory of this night, with its feverish turmoil and pangs of

conscience, waxed dim. What I had experienced and felt became a dream,

A leaden weariness took possession of me; I closed my eyes and thought

about nothing.

"And then came a blissful hour. It was towards ten o'clock when Martha

suddenly opened her faithful blue eyes and looked up at me consciously

and brightly.

"I felt as if God's eye had turned, full of pity and forgiveness,

towards me, the sinner. A pure, holy joy streamed through me. I fell

across my sister's body, and hid my face at her neck.

"In the midst of her pain she began to smile, with an effort placed her

hand upon my head, and murmured, with hardly audible voice, 'I suppose

I have been giving you all a great fright?'

"The breath of her words enveloped me like a peace-bringing chant, and

for a moment I felt as if the burden at my heart must give way--but I

was unable to weep.

"'How do you feel?' I asked.

"'Well, quite well!' she replied, 'only the sheet weighs so heavily

upon me!'

"It was the lightest I had been able to find. I told her so; then she

sighed and said she knew she was a fidget, and I was to have patience

with her.

"And then she lay again quite still, and constantly looked at me as if

in a dream. At length she nodded several times and remarked: 'It is

well thus--quite well!'

"'What is well?" I asked.

"Then she smiled again and was silent. And then the pains returned. She

shook all over and clenched her teeth, but she did not utter a

complaint.

"'Shall I call for Robert?' I asked, for terror overwhelmed me anew.

"She nodded. 'And bring the child too,' she murmured.

"I did as she had bid. She had the little creature laid on the bed

beside her, and looked down at it for a long time. She also made an

attempt to kiss it, but she was too weak to do so.

"Even before Robert came she had relapsed into her sleep.

"He gave me a reproachful look, and remarked, 'Why did you not send for

me sooner?'

"'Believe me, it is better thus,' I answered, 'it would have excited

her too much to see you.'

"'You always seem to know what is best,' said he, and went out,

fortunately without noticing the glow which suffused my face at his

praise.

"Now she lay there again unconscious--her cheeks red, and her forehead

wet with perspiration. And added to that, the gruesome play of her

lips! They kept on twitching and smacking.

"Towards one o'clock the doctor came, took her temperature, and

certified a diminution of fever.

"'That will go up and down many a time yet,' he said; nor did he enter

into our joy over her awakening. 'Do not speak to her when she regains

consciousness,' he urged, 'and above all, do not allow her to speak

herself. She needs every atom of her strength.'

"Before he left, he fixed his eyes on me for a long time, and shook his

head doubtfully. I felt how the consciousness of guilt drove the blood

to my cheeks. It was as if he could look me through and through.

"... In the afternoon I had fetched myself a book from my room, the

first I happened to lay my hands upon and tried to read in it; but the

letters danced before my eyes, and my head buzzed as if it were full of

bats.

"It was a long time before I could even make out the title. I read

'Iphigenia.' Then, seized by sudden terror, I flung the book far away

from me into a corner, as if I had held a burning coal in my hand.

Towards evening Martha's pains seemed to grow more intense. Several

times she cried out loud and writhed as if in a cramp.

"While I was busying myself about her, during an attack of this sort,

the old woman suddenly stood at my side. And as I looked at her with

her venomous glance, with her studied wringing of hands, and the

hypocritical droop of her mouth, the thought suddenly came to me--

"'Here is one--who is waiting for Martha's death--who is wishing for

it.'

"My eyesight seemed dimmed by a red veil, I clenched my fists--I all

but flung the accusation in her face. And as I stood in front of her,

still quite petrified by the thought, she took hold of my arm, and

tried, without much ado, to push me aside, so that she might plant

herself at Martha's pillow. Perhaps she hoped to intimidate me by this

unceremonious proceeding.

"'Dear aunt.' said I, removing her hand from my arm, 'I have pointed

out to you before already that this is my place, and that no one in the

world shall dispute it with me. I urgently beg of you to restrict your

visit to the other rooms.'

"'Indeed? We will just wait and see, my little one,' she screeched, 'we

will just ask the master of the house, who has more to say here, his

good old mother, or you, vagabond Polish crew?'

"And still screeching, she departed.

"In a very fever of rage I paced the room. Even I should not have

imagined that this sorrowing mother could so quickly and thoroughly

change back again into a fury. It only remained for her to give

expression to her innermost wishes.

"'Oh, if it should be true.' I cried, and horror possessed me. 'To wish

for Martha's death! Martha, do you hear, to wish for your death! Whom

have you ever hurt? In whose way have you ever stood? Who lives in the

world who has ever received aught but love and forgiveness from you? If

it were true, if any human being should really be so depraved, and

still wander upon earth with impunity--verily, it would make one

despair of God and of everything good.'

"Thus I spoke and could not heap enough shame and contumely upon the

old woman's head.

"And then it struck me that I had been talking myself into a most

unworthy passion.

"But I felt easier through it, I dared to breathe more freely, and when

I saw poor, ill-treated 'Iphigenia' lying in the dust, I went and

picked it up.

"'What crime have I, after all, committed?' I said to myself, 'that I

should need to hide away from my ideal? Have I done anything but bring

comfort to one in despair? Has a single look, a single word been

exchanged, which my sister might not have seen and heard? If it seethes

and burns in my breast, what concern is that of any one, as long as I

keep it carefully to myself?'

"Thus I spoke to myself, and considered myself almost justified, even

before my own conscience. Blind creature that I was!

* * * * *

"And once more the gloaming came, once more the setting sun cast its

red light through the windows.

"Martha's face was bathed in a purple glow, in her hair little lights

sparkled, and the hand that lay on the coverlet looked as though

illumined from within.

"I drew the bed-screen closer around her, so that the flimmering rays

should not trouble her.

"Then I saw hanging on the wall a withered ivy wreath, which I had not

noticed before, a wreath such as I was wont to send on special

occasions for our parents' graves. Perhaps that was where this one,

too, came from. At the present moment it appeared as if woven of

flames, everything about it lived phantastically. And when I looked

more closely, it even seemed to me as if it began to revolve, and to

emit a cascade of sparks, like a real wheel of fire.

"'Dear me, now you are already beginning to see visions,' I said to

myself, and tried to gain new strength by pacing up and down. But I

felt so dizzy, that I was obliged to hold on to the chairs--I gasped

for breath.

"Oh, this smell of carbolic--this sickly-sweet odour! It enveloped my

senses, it dimmed my thoughts, it spread a presentiment of death and

terror all around.

"Then the old doctor came, looked keenly into my face, and ordered me

in his fatherly, gruff manner to go forthwith into the open and get

some fresh air. He himself would watch till I returned. And in spite of

my remonstrance he pushed me out of the door.

"If I could have guessed what was awaiting me, no power on earth would

have moved me to cross the threshold!

"Now I drew a deep breath as I stepped out into the courtyard. The

evening air refreshed me like a cooling bath. The last gleam of

daylight was vanishing, and veiled in bluish vapours the autumn night

sank down upon the earth.

"The two hunting dogs sprang towards me, and then raced off towards the

old castle ruins.

"Unconsciously I followed in their track, walking half in my sleep, for

the atmosphere of the sick room was still acting upon my senses.

"A mouldering scent of fading weeds and weather-beaten stones wafted

towards me from the brickwork. An old porch spread its arch over me. I

stepped into the interior. The walls towered up black all round me, the

dark sky looked down upon them with its bluish lights.

"Then not far from me I saw a dark figure, the outlines of which I

recognised at once, crouching among the loose stones.

"'Robert!' I call out, astonished.

"He jumped up. 'Olga?' he cried in answer. 'Do you bring bad news?'

"'Not so.' say I, 'your uncle, the doctor, sent me out, and----' then

suddenly I feel as if the ground were giving way beneath my feet.

"'Take care!' I hear his warning voice, but already I am sinking,

together with the crumbling stones, about a man's length down into the

darkness.

"'For Heaven's sake, do not stir!' he shouts after me, 'else you will

fall still further down.'

"Half-dazed, I lean against the side of the pit. At my feet gleams a

narrow strip of earth, on which I am standing; beyond that it goes down

into black, unfathomable depths.

"I see him near me, climbing down after me slowly and carefully on the

steps of a flight of stairs as it seems.

"'Where are you?' he shouts, and at the same I feel his hand groping

for me.

"Then I throw myself towards him, and cling to his neck. At the same

moment I feel myself lifted high up and resting upon his breast. It

appeared to me as if my veins had been opened, as if in delightful

lassitude I felt my warm life's blood flowing away over me.

"His breath wafted hotly into my face. For a moment it seemed to me as

if he had softly kissed my forehead.... Then we returned to the manor

house without speaking. I moved away from his side as far as I could,

but in my heart was the jubilant thought, 'He has held me in his arms.'

"On the threshold of the sick room the old physician came towards us,

gave us both his hands and said, 'She is keeping up better, children,

than I had expected.'

"Within my heart was rejoicing, 'He has held me in his arms.'

* * * * *

"And now that night! Even now every minute stands up like a fury before

me, and glares at me with fiery eyes! That night will I conjure up as

one calls up spirits from the grave, that their witness may animate

anew long forgotten bloodguiltiness! What crime did I commit? _None_.

My hands are clean. And on that great morning, when our works shall be

tried in the balance, I might fearlessly step up to the Throne of the

Most High and say, 'Clothe me in the whitest raiment, fasten upon my

shoulders the most delicate pair of swan's wings, and let me sit in the

front row, for I have a good voice, which only requires a certain

amount of practice to do honour to Paradise!' But there are crimes,

unaccomplished, unuttered, which penetrate the soul like the breath of

infection, and poison it in its very essence, till the body too

perishes under its influence.

"It was a night almost like the present one. The moist autumn wind

swept past the house in short gusts, and caught itself in the half

leafless crests of the poplars, which bowed towards each other and

entwined amid creaking and rustling. Not a star was in the sky; but an

undefinable gleaming brought into notice dark masses of torn clouds,

which sped along as if in rags. The nightlight would not burn; its

flickering flame struggled with the shadows which danced incessantly

over the bed and the walls. The ivy wreath hung opposite me, looking

black and jagged like a crown of thorns.

"It was about ten o'clock when Martha commenced to be delirious.

"She raised herself up in bed and said in a clear, audible voice, 'I

must really get up now--it is too bad!'

"At first joy suffused my face, for I thought she had regained

consciousness. 'Martha!' I jumped up and grasped her hand.

"'I have put everything out in readiness--shirts and stockings and

shoes, so that a blind man could find them in his sleep. And you need

not take any measurements either--make no compliments--make no

compliments.' And all the time she stared at me with glassy eyes, as if

she saw a ghost; then suddenly she uttered a piercing shriek and cried,

'Roll the stones away from my body they are crushing me. Why have you

buried me under stones?'

"I took the thinnest sheet I could find and spread it over her in place

of the coverlet; but even that brought her no relief. She screamed and

talked incessantly, and between whiles she muttered eagerly to herself,

like one who is learning something off by heart.

"Like this an hour must have passed. I sat in front of my table and

stared at her; for I was in a ferment of terror lest any moment might

bring some new, still more horrible development. From time to time,

when she calmed down a little, I felt my limbs relax; then I closed my

eyes and let myself sink back, and each time I had the sensation as if

I were sinking into Robert's arms. But there hardly remained even a

dull feeling, as if I were thereby committing any wrong; my weariness

was too intense. I also had a sensation as if bubbles were bursting in

my head, and roses opening out and always putting forth new wreaths of

blossoms; then again there was a hissing sound from one ear to the

other, as if some one had run a fuse right through my head and lighted

it.

"In this condition of nervous over-excitement, tossed hither and

thither between terrified starting up and relaxation, Robert found me,

when, towards midnight, he entered the room. He had intended to lie

down on his bed for a short time, and then to watch for the rest of the

night together with me; but Martha's screams had scared him too.

"When I saw him, all my exhaustion was as if wiped away; I felt how a

new stream of blood shot through my body, and I jumped up to go towards

him.

"'Try to rest a little.' he said, looking down at me with tired,

swollen eyes; 'you will require all your strength.'

"I shook my head and pointed to my sister, who was just flinging her

hands about, as if in her delirium she were trying to tear me from his

side.

"'You are right,' he continued. 'Who could be calm enough to rest with

this picture before his eyes.' And then he planted himself with clasped

hands in front of the bed, bent down towards her and imprinted a soft

kiss upon her wax-like forehead.

"'That is how he kissed me too!' a voice within me cried.

"Thereupon he sat down at the foot of the bed, so close to my chair

that the arm which he rested upon the slab of the table almost touched

my shoulder.

"With the gloomy brooding of despair he stared across at her.

"'Come to yourself, Robert!' I whispered to him, 'all may be well yet.'

"He laughed grimly. 'What do you mean by "well"?' he cried; 'that she

should remain alive and drag herself about with her sickly frame and

crushed spirit, as a burden to herself and to others? Do you not know

that these are the alternatives between which we have to choose?'

"A cold shudder ran through my very marrow. But at the same time I felt

as if the walls were giving way and an unbounded, shining vista opening

out before me.

"'Were you not going to be a priestess in this house?' a warning voice

within me remonstrated, but its sounds were deadened by the surging of

my blood.

"'What is the use of struggling against fate?' he continued; 'I have

long since learnt to submit quietly when blow after blow falls down

upon me from above. I have become a miserable, weak-minded fellow. I

have allowed fate to bind me hand and foot, and now, even if I struggle

till the blood spurts from my joints, it is no good! I am powerless and

shall remain so, and there's an end of it! But I do not care to talk

myself into a passion. Such helpless rage is more contemptible than

hypocritical submission.'

"A desire darted through me to throw myself down in front of him, and

to cry out to him, 'Do with me what you will: sacrifice me, tread me

under-foot, let me die for you; but be brave and have new faith in your

happiness----' then suddenly a moan from Martha's lips struck upon my

ears, so plaintive, so pitiable that I started as if struck by the lash

of a whip.

"I felt ready to scream, but fear of him choked my utterance--only a

groan escaped my breast, which I forcibly suppressed, when I noticed

how anxiously he was looking into my eyes.

"'Take no heed of me!' I said, forcing myself to smile; 'the chief

thing is for her to get better.'

"He crossed his arms over his knee and nodded a few times bitterly to

himself. And then again the moaning ceased.

"She had bowed her head upon her breast, and half closed her eyes. One

might almost have thought her asleep; but the muttering and chattering

continued. There was utter silence in the half-darkened room. Only the

wind sped past the window with low soughing, and between the planks of

the ceiling the mice scampered about.

"Robert had buried his head in his hands, and was listening to Martha's

weird talking. Gradually he seemed to grow quieter, his breath came

more regularly and slowly, now and again his head dropped to one side,

and next moment jerked up again.

"His sleepiness had overpowered him. I wanted to urge him to go to

rest; but I was afraid of the sound of my own voice, and therefore was

silent.

"More and more often did the upper part of his body sway to one side,

now and again his hair touched my cheek--and he groped about seeking to

find some support.

"And then, suddenly, his head fell upon my shoulder, where it remained

lying. My whole body trembled as if I had experienced some great

happiness.

"'An invincible desire possessed me to stroke the bushy hair that fell

across my face. Close to my eyes I saw a few silver threads gleaming.

"'It is already beginning to get grey,' I thought to myself, 'it is

high time that he should taste what happiness is like.' And then I

really stroked him.

"He sighed in his sleep and sought to nestle closer with his head.

"'He is lying uncomfortably.' I said to myself; 'you must move up

nearer to him.'

"I did so. His shoulder leant against mine, and his head fell upon my

breast.

"'You must put your arm round him,' a voice within me cried, 'otherwise

he will still not find rest.'

"Twice or three times I attempted, and as often I drew back.

"What if Martha should suddenly wake! But even then her eyes saw

nothing--her ears heard nothing.

"And I did it.

"Then a wild joy seized me: secretly I pressed him to me--and within me

there arose the jubilant thought: 'Ah, how I would care for you and

watch over you; how I would kiss those wicked furrows away from your

brow, and the troubles from your soul! How I would fight for you with

my virgin strength and never rest till your eyes were once more glad,

and your heart once more full of sunshine! But for that----I looked

across at Martha. Yes, she lived, she still lived. Her bosom rose and

fell in short, rapid gasps. She seemed more alive than ever.

"And suddenly it flamed up before me, and the words seemed as if I saw

them distinctly written over there on the wall--

"'_Oh, that she might die!_'

"Yes, that was it, that was it.

"Oh, that she might die! Oh, that she might die!"