"I believe that you have gone on a mission to the king of the Cannibal
Islands. Otherwise, as Cicero says, where in the world are you? Nothing
is more evident than that you have given the world a quitclaim deed of
me.
"And that is why I am writing. About a fortnight ago, Mr. Woodlee, the
Grand Vizier, wrote to me saying that he should be off duty on the 4th
of March, and if I liked would be very happy, as a friend, to present
my grievances to the referees. Mr. Woodlee is an intimate friend of
mine, and when he was down to see me last summer I reno-varied my
dolores at his own request. I wrote to Mr. Woodlee at once that we
must not swap horses in crossing a stream, even though the horse was
a poor one. I did not use those words, but that was the substance of
doctrine--the poor horse, my love, meaning you! He did not know your
connection with it, or did not remember. Since then your intense and
aggravated silence has led me to think that perhaps you are so utterly
weary with the whole thing, and me into the bargain, that you would
hail with delight any opportunity to bid farewell, a long farewell, to
all my greatness. If you do, here is your chance. If you write to me
and say that you should be happy to wash your hands of me with Castile
soap and three waters, I shall weep salt tears from the briny deep, and
send on to London by next mail.
"You have had a rich time of it with me I know, if I only meant to
pay you. Well, truly, I do mean to pay you--a little, not much--say
seventy-five cents or a dollar,--not half as much as you deserve. But I
tell you now so you need not think I am leaving your family penniless.
And what I do not pay in money, I shall make up to you in appreciation,
for I think you have managed the case with clear insight and much
skill,--that is, under my supervision. I have held you back from what
was rash and inaccurate, and between us we have got matters pretty well
in hand. Now it seems to me that if you have held out so long it will
be better for you to hold out to the end. The making-up is about made
up. To be sure I am going to rewrite my statement and shall probably
continue the process so long as it remains in my possession, but the
main points will be the same, so you will apparently have little more
trouble with it. Now please to tell me just how you feel about it--or
rather, for that is too much to ask,--just how you propose to feel. I
think you have had my 'Statement' about long enough for your share,
so I will take my turn at holding the baby. You may send it down by
express if you please, together with the bills and contracts thereunto
appertaining, and let me see if it has improved with age."