Fire in the Dairy.
As we approached within fifteen or twenty miles of Parrsboro', a
sudden turn of the road brought us directly in front of a large
wooden house, consisting of two stories and an immense roof, the
height of which edifice was much increased by a stone foundation,
rising several feet above ground.
"Now, did you ever see," said Mr. Slick, "such a catamaran as that?
There's a proper goney for you, for to go and raise such a buildin'
as that 'ere, and he as much use for it, I do suppose, as my old
wagon here has for a fifth wheel. Bluenose always takes keer to have
a big house, 'cause it shows a big man, and one that's considerable
forehanded, and pretty well to do in the world. These Nova Scotians
turn up their blue noses, as a bottle nose porpoise turns up his
snout, and puff and snort exactly like him at a small house. If
neighbour Carrit has a two story house, all filled with winders, like
Sandy Hook light house, neighbour Parsnip must add jist two feet more
on to the post of his'n, and about as much more to the rafter, to go
ahead of him; so all these long sarce gentlemen strive who can get
the furdest in the sky, away from their farms. In New England our
maxim is a small house, and a most an everlastin' almighty big barn;
but these critters revarse it, they have little hovels for their
cattle, about the bigness of a good sizeable bear-trap, and a house
for the humans as grand as Noah's Ark. Well, jist look at it and see
what a figur' it does cut. An old hat stuffed into one pane of glass,
and an old flannel petticoat, as yaller as jaundice, in another,
finish off the front; an old pair of breeches, and the pad of a bran'
new cart-saddle worn out, titivate the eend, while the backside is
all closed up on account of the wind. When it rains, if there ain't
a pretty how-do-you-do, it's a pity--beds toated out of this room,
and tubs set in t'other to catch soft water to wash; while the
clapboards, loose at the eends, go clap, clap, clap, like gals
a-hacklin' flax, and the winders and doors keep a-dancin' to the
music. The only dry place in the house is in the chimbley corner,
where the folks all huddle up, as an old hen and her chickens do
under a cart of a wet day. 'I wish I had the matter of half a dozen
pound of nails,' you'll hear the old gentleman in the grand house
say, 'I'll be darned if I don't, for if I had, I'd fix them 'ere
clapboards; I guess they'll go for it some o' these days.' 'I wish
you had,' his wife would say, 'for they do make a most particular
unhansum clatter, that's a fact;' and so they let it be till the next
tempestical time comes, and then they wish agin. Now, this grand
house has only two rooms downstairs, that are altogether slicked up
and finished off complete; the other is jist petitioned off rough
like, one half great dark entries, and t'other half places that
look a plaguy sight more like packin' boxes than rooms. Well, all
upstairs is a great onfarnished place, filled with every sort of
good-for-nothin' trumpery in natur'--barrels without eends; corn-cobs
half husked; cast off clothes and bits of old harness; sheep skins,
hides, and wool; apples, one half rotten, and t'other half squashed;
a thousand or two of shingles that have bust their withes, and broke
loose all over the floor; hay rakes, forks and sickles, without
handles or teeth; rusty scythes, and odds and eends without number.
When anything is wanted, then there is a general overhaul of the
whole cargo, and away they get shifted forrard, one by one, all
handled over and chucked into a heap together till the lost one is
found; and the next time, away they get pitched to the starn agin,
higglety pigglety, heels over head, like sheep takin' a split for
it over a wall; only they increase in number each move, 'cause some
on 'em are sure to get broke into more pieces than they was afore.
Whenever I see one of these grand houses, and a hat lookin' out o'
the winder, with nary head in it, think I, I'll be darned if that's
a place for a wooden clock--nothin' short of a London touch would go
down with them folks, so I calculate I won't alight.
"Whenever you come to such a grand place as this, Squire, depend
on't the farm is all of a piece--great crops of thistles, and an
everlastin' yield of weeds, and cattle the best fed of any in the
country, for they are always in the grain fields or mowin' lands,
and the pigs a-rootin' in the potato patches. A spic and span new gig
at the door, shinin' like the mud banks of Windsor, when the sun's
on 'em, and an old wrack of a hay wagon, with its tongue onhitched,
and stickin' out behind, like a pig's tail, all indicate a big man.
He's above thinkin' of farmin' tools, he sees to the bran' new
gig, and the hired helps look arter the carts. Catch him with his
go-to-meetin' clothes on, a-rubbin' agin their nasty greasy axles,
like a tarry nigger; not he, indeed, he'd stick you up with it.
"The last time I came by here, it was a little bit arter daylight
down, rainin' cats and dogs, and as dark as Egypt; so, thinks I, I'll
jist turn in here for shelter to Squire Bill Blake's. Well, I knocks
away at the front door, till I thought I'd a-split it in; but arter
a-rappin' awhile to no purpose, and findin' no one come, I gropes my
way round to the back door, and opens it, and feelin' all along the
partition for the latch of the keepin' room, without finding it, I
knocks agin, when some one from inside calls out 'Walk!' Thinks I, I
don't cleverly know whether that indicates 'walk in,' or 'walk out,'
it's plaguy short metre, that's a fact; but I'll see anyhow. Well,
arter gropin' about awhile, at last I got hold of the string and
lifted the latch and walked in, and there sot old Marm Blake, close
into one corner of the chimbley fireplace, a-see-sawin' in a rockin'
chair, and a half grown black house-help, half asleep in t'other
corner, a-scroudgin' up over the embers. 'Who be you?' said Marm
Blake, 'for I can't see you.' 'A stranger,' said I. 'Beck!' says she,
speakin' to the black heifer in the corner, 'Beck!' says she agin,
raisin' her voice, 'I believe you are as deff as a post, get up
this minit and stir the coals, till I see the man.' Arter the coals
were stirred into a blaze, the old lady surveyed me from head to
foot, then she axed me my name, and where I came from, where I was
a-goin', and what my business was. 'I guess,' said she, 'you must
be reasonable wet; sit to the fire and dry yourself, or mayhap your
health may be endamnified p'r'aps.'
"So I sot down, and we soon got pretty considerably well acquainted,
and quite sociable like, and her tongue when it fairly waked up,
began to run like a mill-race when the gate's up. I hadn't been
talkin' long, 'fore I well nigh lost sight of her altogether agin,
for little Beck began to flourish about her broom, right and left in
great style, a-clearin' up, and she did raise such an auful thick
cloud o' dust, I didn't know if I should ever see or breathe either
agin. Well, when all was sot to rights and the fire made up, the old
lady began to apologize for havin' no candles; she said she'd had a
grand tea-party the night afore, and used them all up, and a whole
sight of vittals too; the old man hadn't been well since, and had
gone to bed airly. 'But,' says she, 'I do wish with all my heart you
had a come last night, for we had a most a special supper--punkin
pies and doughnuts, and apple sarce, and a roast goose stuffed with
indian puddin', and a pig's harslet stewed in molasses and onions,
and I don't know what all, and the fore part of today folks called to
finish. I actilly have nothin' left to set afore you; for it was none
o' your skim-milk parties, but superfine uppercrust, real jam, and we
made clean work of it. But I'll make some tea, anyhow, for you, and
perhaps, arter that,' said she, alterin' of her tone, 'perhaps you'll
expound the Scriptures, for it's one while since I've heerd them laid
open powerfully. I hain't been fairly lifted up since that good man
Judas Oglethorp travelled this road,' and then she gave a groan and
hung down her head, and looked corner-ways, to see how the land lay
thereabouts. The tea-kettle was accordingly put on, and some lard
fried into oil, and poured into a tumbler; which, with the aid of an
inch of cotton wick, served as a make shift for a candle.
"Well, arter tea we sot and chatted awhile about fashions, and
markets, and sarmons, and scandal, and all sorts o' things; and, in
the midst of it, in runs the nigger wench, screemin' out at the tip
eend of her voice, 'Oh Missus! Missus! there's fire in the dairy,
fire in the dairy!' 'I'll give it to you for that,' said the old
lady, 'I'll give it you for that, you good-for-nothin' hussy; that's
all your carelessness; go and put it out this minit; how on airth
did it get there? My night's milk gone, I dare say; run this minit
and put it out, and save the milk.' I am dreadful afeard of fire, I
always was from a boy, and seein' the poor foolish critter seize a
broom in her fright, I ups with the tea-kettle and follows her; and
away we clipt through the entry, she callin' out 'Mind the cellar
door on the right!' 'Take kear of the close horse on the left!' and
so on, but as I couldn't see nothin', I kept right straight ahead.
At last my foot kotched in somethin' or another, that pitched me
somewhat less than a rod or so, right agin the poor black critter,
and away we went, heels over head. I heerd a splash and a groan, and
I smelt somethin' plaguy sour, but I couldn't see nothin'; at last I
got hold of her and lifted her up, for she didn't scream, but made a
strange kind of chokin' noise, and by this time up came Marm Blake
with a light. If poor Beck didn't let go then in airnest, and sing
out for dear life, it's a pity, for she had gone head first into
the swill tub, and the tea-kettle had scalded her feet. She kept
a-dancin' right up and down, like one ravin' distracted mad, and
boo-hoo'd like anything, clawin' away at her head the whole time,
to clear away the stuff that stuck to her wool.
"I held in as long as I could, till I thought I should have busted,
for no soul could help a-larfin', and at last I haw-hawed right out.
'You good-for-nothin' stupid slut you,' said the old lady to poor
Beck, 'it sarves you right, you had no business to leave it
there--I'll pay you.' 'But,' said I, interferin' for the unfortunate
critter, 'good gracious, marm! you forget the fire.' 'No I don't,'
said she, 'I see him,' and seizin' the broom that had fallen from the
nigger's hand, she exclaimed, 'I see him, the nasty varmint,' and
began to belabour most onmarcifully a poor half-starved cur that the
noise had attracted to the entry. 'I'll teach you,' said she, 'to
drink milk; I'll larn you to steal into the dairy; and the besot
critter joined chorus with Beck, and they both yelled together, till
they fairly made the house ring agin. Presently old Squire Blake
popped his head out of a door, and rubbin' his eyes, half asleep and
half awake, said, 'What the devil's to pay now, wife?' 'Why nothin','
says she, 'only FIRE'S IN THE DAIRY, and Beck's in the swill tub,
that's all.' 'Well, don't make such a touss, then,' said he, 'if
that's all,' and he shot tu the door and went to bed agin. When we
returned to the keepin' room, the old lady told me that they always
had had a dog called 'Fire,' ever since her grandfather, Major Donald
Fraser's time, 'and what was very odd,' says she, 'every one on 'em
would drink milk if he had a chance.'
"By this time the shower was over, and the moon shinin' so bright
and clear that I thought I'd better be up and stirrin', and arter
slippin' a few cents into the poor nigger wench's hand, I took
leave of the grand folks in the big house. Now, Squire, among these
middlin'-sized farmers you may lay this down as a rule: THE BIGGER
THE HOUSE, THE BIGGER THE FOOLS BE THAT'S IN IT.
"But, howsomever, I never call to mind that 'ere go in the big house,
up to the right, that I don't snicker when I think of 'FIRE IN THE
DAIRY.'"