"Did what?" said I.
"That was me that sent him back; I called him and not his wife. I
had that 'ere bestowment ever since I was knee high or so; I'm a
real complete hand at ventriloquism; I can take off any man's voice I
ever heerd to the very nines. If there was a law agin forgin' that as
there is for handwritin', I guess I should have been hanged long ago.
I've had high goes with it many a time, but it's plaguy dangersome,
and I don't pracTISE it now but seldom. I had a real bout with that
'ere citizen's wife once, and completely broke her in for him; she
went as gentle as a circus horse for a space, but he let her have her
head agin, and she's as bad as ever now. I'll tell you how it was.
"I was down to the Island a-sellin' clocks, and who should I meet but
John Porter; well, I traded with him for one, part cash, part truck
and proDUCE, and also put off on him that 'ere bark-mill you heerd me
axin' about, and it was pretty considerable on in the evenin' afore
we finished our trade. I came home along with him, and had the clock
in the wagon to fix it up for him, and to show him how to regilate
it. Well, as we neared his house, he began to fret and take on
dreadful oneasy; says he, 'I hope Jane won't be abed, 'cause if she
is she'll act ugly, I do suppose.' I had heerd tell of her afore; how
she used to carry a stiff upper lip, and make him and the broomstick
well acquainted together; and, says I, 'Why do you put up with her
tantrums, I'd make a fair division of the house with her, if it was
me; I'd take the inside and allocate her the outside of it pretty
quick, that's a fact.' Well, when we came to the house, there was no
light in it, and the poor critter looked so streaked and down in the
mouth, I felt proper sorry for him. When he rapped at the door, she
called out, 'Who's there?' 'It's me, dear,' says Porter. 'You, is
it,' said she, 'then you may stay where you be, them as gave you your
supper, may give you your bed, instead of sendin' you sneakin' home
at night like a thief.' Said I, in a whisper, says I, 'Leave her
to me, John Porter; jist take the horses up to the barn, and see
after them, and I'll manage her for you, I'll make her as sweet as
sugary candy, never fear.' The barn, you see, is a good piece off
to the eastward of the house; and, as soon as he was cleverly out
of hearin', says I, a-imitatin' of his voice to the life, 'Do let me
in, Jane,' says I, 'that's a dear critter; I've brought you home some
things you'll like, I know.' Well, she was an awful jealous critter;
says she, 'Take 'em to her you spent the evenin' with, I don't want
you nor your presents neither.' Arter a good deal of coaxin' I stood
on t'other tack, and began to threaten to break the door down; says
I, 'You old unhansum lookin' sinner, you vinerger cruet you, open
the door this minit or I'll smash it right in.' That grigged her
properly, it made her very wrathy (for nothin' sets up a woman's
spunk like callin' her ugly; she gets her back right up like a cat
when a strange dog comes near her; she's all eyes, claws and
bristles).
"I heerd her bounce right out of bed, and she came to the door as she
was, ondressed, and onbolted it; and, as I entered it, she fetched
me a box right across my cheek with the flat of her hand, that made
it tingle agin. 'I'll teach you to call names agin,' says she, 'you
varmint.' It was jist what I wanted; I pushed the door tu with my
foot, and seizing her by the arm with one hand, I quilted her with
the horsewhip real handsum, with the other. At first she roared like
mad; 'I'll give you the ten commandments,' says she (meaning her
ten claws), 'I'll pay you for this, you cowardly villain, to strike
a woman. How dare you lift your hand, John Porter, to your lawful
wife!' and so on; all the time runnin' round and round, like a colt
that's a-breakin', with the mouthin' bit, rarein', kickin', and
plungin' like statiee. Then she began to give in. Says she, 'I beg
pardon, on my knees I beg pardon--don't murder me, for Heaven's
sake--don't, dear John, don't murder your poor wife, that's a dear.
I'll do as you bid me; I promise to behave well, upon my honour I
do--oh! dear John, do forgive me, do dear.' When I had her properly
brought too, for havin' nothin' on but a thin under-garment, every
crack of the whip told like a notch on a baker's tally, says I, 'Take
that as a taste of what you'll catch, when you act that way like
Old Scratch. Now go and dress yourself, and get supper for me and a
stranger I have brought home along with me, and be quick, for I vow
I'll be master in my own house.' She moaned like a dog hit with a
stone, half whine, half yelp; 'Dear, dear,' says she, 'if I ain't all
covered over with welts as big as my finger, I do believe I'm flayed
alive;' and she boo-hoo'd right out like anything. 'I guess,' said I,
'you've got 'em where folks won't see 'em, anyhow, and I calculate
you won't be over forrard to show 'em where they be. But come,' says
I, 'be a-stirrin', or I'll quilt you agin as sure as you're alive;
I'll tan your hide for you, you may depend, you old ungainly tempered
heifer you.'
"When I went to the barn, says I, 'John Porter, your wife made
right at me, like one ravin' distracted mad, when I opened the door,
thinkin' it was you; and I was obliged to give her a crack or two
of the cowskin to get clear of her. It has effectuated a cure
completely; now foller it up, and don't let on for your life it
warn't you that did it, and you'll be master once more in your own
house. She's all docity jist now--keep her so.' As we returned we saw
a light in the keepin' room, the fire was blazin' up cheerfulsome,
and Marm Porter moved about as brisk as a parched pea, though as
silent as dumb, and our supper was ready in no time. As soon as she
took her seat and sot down, she sprung right up on eend, as if she
had sot on a pan of hot coals, and coloured all over; and then tears
started in her eyes. Thinks I to myself, I calculate I wrote that
'ere lesson in large letters anyhow, I can read that writin' without
spellin', and no mistake; I guess you've got pretty well warmed
thereabouts this hitch. Then she tried it agin, first she sot on
one leg then on t'other, quite oneasy, and then right atwixt both,
a-fidgettin' about dreadfully; like a man that's rode all day on a
bad saddle, and lost a little leather on the way. If you had seed how
she stared at Porter, it would have made you snicker. She couldn't
credit her eyes. He warn't drunk, and he warn't crazy, but there he
sot as peeked and as meechin' as you please. She seemed all struck up
of a heap at his rebellion. The next day when I was about startin', I
advised him to act like a man, and keep the weather gage now he had
it, and all would be well, but the poor critter only held on a day or
two, she soon got the upper hand of him, and made him confess all,
and by all accounts he leads a worse life now than ever. I put that
'ere trick on him jist now to try him, and I see it's gone goose with
him; the jig is up with him, she'll soon call him with a whistle like
a dog. I often think of the hornpipe she danced there in the dark
along with me, to the music of my whip--she touched it off in great
style, that's a fact. I shall mind that go one while, I promise you.
It was actilly equal to a play at old Bowry. You may depend, Squire,
the only way to tame a shrew is by the cowskin. Grandfather Slick was
raised all along the coast of Kent in Old England, and he used to say
there was an old saying there, which, I expect, is not far off the
mark:
'A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree,
The more you lick 'em, the better they be.'"