The Dancing Master Abroad.
"I wish that 'ere black heifer in the kitchen would give over singing
that 'ere everlastin' dismal tune," said the Clockmaker, "it makes my
head ache. You've heerd a song afore now," said he, "havn't you, till
you was fairly sick of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was
in Rhode Island--all the gals sing there, and it's generally allowed
there's no such singers anywhere; they beat the EYE-talians a long
chalk; they sing so high some on 'em, they go clear out o' hearin'
sometimes, like a lark--well, you heerd nothin' but 'Oh no, we never
mention her;' well, I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to
myself, I'd sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow; I wish to
gracious you would 'never mention her,' for it makes me feel ugly
to hear that same thing for ever and ever and amen that way. Well,
they've got a cant phrase here, 'the schoolmaster is abroad,' and
every feller tells you that fifty times a day.
"There was a chap said to me not long ago, at Truro, 'Mr. Slick, this
Country is rapidly improving, "the schoolmaster is abroad now,"' and
he looked as knowin' as though he had found a mate's nest. 'So I
should think,' said I, 'and it would be jist about as well, I guess,
if he'd stay to home and mind his business, for your folks are so
consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he's abroad e'enamost all his time. I
hope when he returns, he'll be the better of his travels, and that's
more nor many of our young folks are who go "abroad," for they import
more airs and nonsense than they dispose of one while, I tell you;
some of the stock remains on hand all the rest of their lives.'
There's nothin' I hate so much as cant, of all kinds, it's a sure
sign of a tricky disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion,
clap your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your puss,
or he'll steal it as sure as you're alive; and if a man cant in
politics, he'll sell you if he gets a chance, you may depend. Law
and physic are jist the same, and every mite and morsel as bad. If
a lawyer takes to cantin', it's like the fox preachin' to the geese,
he'll eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to it,
he's a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have massy on you, for he
won't. I'd sooner trust my chance with a naked hook any time, than
one that's half covered with bad bait. The fish will sometimes
swaller the one, without thinkin', but they get frightened at
t'other, turn tail and off like a shot.
"Now, to change the tune, I'll give the Bluenoses a new phrase.
They'll have an election most likely next year, and then 'the dancin'
master will be abroad.' A candidate is a most particular polite man,
a-noddin' here, and a-bowin' there, and a-shakin' hands all round.
Nothin' improves a man's manners like an election. 'The dancin'
master's abroad then;' nothin' gives the paces equal to that, it
makes them as squirmy as an eel, they cross hands and back agin, set
to their partners and right and left in great style, and slick it off
at the eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the world
as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then they get as full
of compliments as a dog is full of fleas--enquirin' how the old lady
is to home, and the little boy that made such a wonderful smart
answer, they never can forget it till next time; a-praisin' a man's
farm to the nines, and a-tellin' of him, how scandalous the road that
leads to his location has been neglected, and how much he wants to
find a real complete hand that can build a bridge over his brook, and
axin' him if HE ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the
right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of water arter
it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the reel, and takes leave,
a-thinkin' to himself 'Now you see what's to the eend of my line, I
guess I'll know where to find you when I want you.'
"There's no sort of fishin' requires so much practice as this. When
bait is scarce one worm must answer for several fish. A handful of
oats in a pan, arter it brings one horse up in a pastur' for the
bridle, serves for another, a-shakin' of it, is better than a-givin'
of it, it saves the grain for another time. It's a poor business
arter all, is electioneering, and when 'the Dancin' Master is
abroad,' he's as apt to teach a man to cut capers and get larfed at
as anything else. It ain't every one that's soople enough to dance
real complete. Politics take a great deal of time, and grind away a
man's honesty near about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust,
'it takes its steel out.' What does a critter get arter all for it
in this country, why nothin' but expense and disappointment. As King
Solomon says--and that 'ere man was up to a thing or two, you may
depend, though our professor did say he warn't so knowin' as Uncle
Sam--it's all vanity and vexation of spirit.
"I raised a four-year-old colt once, half blood, a perfect pictur' of
a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop like the wind; a real
daisy, a perfect doll; had an eye like a weasel, and nostril like
Commodore Rodgers' speakin' trumpet. Well, I took it down to the
races at New York, and father he went along with me; for says he,
'Sam, you don't know everything, I guess, you hain't cut your wisdom
teeth yet, and you are goin' among them that's had 'em through their
gums this while past.' Well, when we gets to the races, father he
gets colt and puts him in an old wagon, with a worn out Dutch
harness, and breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that's a fact.
Then he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the girths
atwixt his fore legs. Says I, 'Father, what on airth are you at? I
vow I feel ashamed to be seen with such a catamaran as that, and colt
looks like old Satan himself--no soul would know him.' 'I guess I
warn't born yesterday, Sam,' says he, 'let me be, I know what I am at.
I guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done as slick as a whistle.
I guess I can see as far into a millstone as the best on 'em.'
"Well, father never entered the horse at all, but stood by and seed
the races, and the winnin' horse was followed about by the matter of
two or three thousand people, a-praisin' of him and admirin' him.
They seemed as if they never had seed a horse afore. The owner of him
was all up on eend a-boastin' of him, and a-stumpin' the course to
produce a horse to run agin him for four hundred dollars. Father goes
up to him, lookin' as soft as dough, and as meechin' as you please,
and says he, 'Friend, it ain't every one that has four hundred
dollars; it's a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would you run for
one hundred dollars, and give me a little start? If you would, I'd
try my colt out of my old wagon agin you, I vow.' 'Let's look at your
horse,' says he; so away they went, and a proper sight of people
arter them to look at colt, and when they seed him they sot up such a
larf, I felt e'enamost ready to cry for spite. Says I to myself;
'What can possess the old man to act arter that fashion, I do believe
he has taken leave of his senses.' 'You needn't larf,' says Father,
'he's smarter than he looks; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack,
is reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our location, and
that 'ere colt can beat him for a lick of a quarter of a mile quite
easy; I seed it myself.' Well, they larfed agin louder than before,
and says father, 'If you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you
give?' 'Two to one,' says the owner, 'eight hundred to four hundred
dollars.' 'Well, that's a great deal of money, ain't it,' says
father, 'if I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish, wouldn't I.
How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home again. You
wouldn't take that 'ere wagon and harness for fifty dollars of it,
would you?' says he. 'Well,' says the other, 'sooner than disappoint
you, as you seem to have set your mind on losing your money, I don't
care if I do.'
"As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the stables, and
then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket handkerchief tied round
his head, and colt a-looking like himself as proud as a nabob, chock
full of spring like the wire eend of a bran' new pair of trouser
galluses. One said, 'That's a plaguy nice lookin' colt that old
feller has arter all.' 'That horse will show play for it yet,' says a
third; and I heard one feller say, 'I guess that's a regular Yankee
trick, a complete take in.' They had a fair start for it, and off
they sot; father took the lead and kept it, and won the race, though
it was a pretty tight scratch, for father was too old to ride colt,
he was near about the matter of seventy years old.
"Well, when the colt was walked round after the race, there was an
amazin' crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says
father, 'How am I to get home without him, and what shall I do with
that 'ere wagon and harness so far as I be from Slickville.' So he
kept them in talk, till he felt their pulses pretty well, and at
last he closed with a Southerner for seven hundred dollars, and we
returned, having made a considerable good spec of colt. Says father
to me, 'Sam,' says he, 'you seed the crowd a-follerin' the winnin'
horse, when we came there, didn't you?' 'Yes sir,' said I, 'I did.'
'Well, when colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come
a-crowdin' about HIM. That's popularity,' said he, 'soon won, soon
lost--cried up sky high one minute, and deserted the next or run
down; colt will share the same fate. He'll get beat afore long, and
then he's done for. The multitude are always fickle-minded. Our
great Washington found that out, and the British officer that beat
Bonaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he got half
through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened afore it ran right
back to lye and grease agin.
"'I was sarved the same way. I liked to have missed my pension; the
Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill at all, the villans. That
was a Glo---' Thinks I, old boy, if you once get into that 'ere
field, you'll race longer than colt, a plaguy sight; you'll run clear
away to the fence to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in
and took a hand myself. 'Yes,' says I, 'you did 'em father, properly;
that old wagon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till you got 'em on
the right spot, didn't it?' Says father, 'THERE'S A MORAL SAM, IN
EVERYTHING IN NATUR'. Never have nothin' to do with elections, you
see the vally of popularity in the case of that 'ere horse--sarve the
public nine hundred and ninety-nine times, and the thousandth, if
they don't agree with you, they desart and abuse you. See how they
sarved old John Adams, see how they let Jefferson starve in his old
age, see how good old Munroe like to have got right into jail, after
his term of President was up. They may talk of independence,' says
father, 'but Sam, I'll tell you what independence is,' and he gave
his hands a slap agin his trousers pocket, and made the gold eagles
he won at the race all jingle agin--'THAT!' says he, giving them
another wipe with his fist, and winkin', as much as to say, do you
hear that, my boy! 'THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE.' He was in great
spirits, the old man, he was so proud of winnin' the race, and
puttin' the leake into the New Yorkers, he looked all dander. 'Let
them great hungry, ill-favoured, long-legged bitterns,' says he
(only he called them by another name that don't sound quite pretty),
'from the outlandish states to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but
Sam,' said he, hitting the shiners agin till he made them dance right
up an eend in his pocket, 'I LIKE TO FEEL IT.'
"'No Sam,' said he, 'line the pocket well first, make that
independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse turned out
to grass in the spring for the first time; he's all head and tail,
a-snortin' and kickin' and racin' and carryin' on like mad; it soon
gets independent too. While it's in the stall it may hold up, and
paw, and whinny, and feel as spry as anything, but the leather strap
keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the eend of it makes
it hold down its head at last. No,' says he, 'here's independence,'
and he gave the Eagles such a drive with his fist, he bust his pocket
and sent a whole raft of them a-spinnin' down his leg to the ground.
Says I, 'father,' and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin', he
looked so peskily vexed, 'Father,' says I, 'I guess there's a moral
in that 'ere too: EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE NONE O' THE BEST.' 'Well,
well,' says he, kinder snappishly, 'I suppose you're half right, Sam,
but we've said enough about it; let's drop the subject, and see if I
have picked 'em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm
near hand to seventy.'"