The Preacher that Wandered from His Text.
"I guess," said the Clockmaker, "we know more of Nova Scotia than
the Bluenoses themselves do. The Yankees see further ahead than most
folks; they can e'enamost see round t'other side of a thing; indeed
some of them have hurt their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's
the reason such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever
heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress; he know'd
as much about it as if he had lived here all his days, and maybe a
little grain more. He is a splendid man that--we class him No. 1,
letter A. One night I chanced to go into General Peep's tavern
at Boston, and who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett,
a-studying over a map of the Province of Nova Scotia. 'Why it ain't
possible!' said I; 'if that ain't Professor Everett, as I am alive!
Why, how do you do, Professor?' 'Pretty well, I give you thanks,' said
he; 'how be you? but I ain't no longer Professor; I gin that up, and
also the trade of preaching, and took to politics.' 'You don't say
so,' said I; 'why, what on airth is the cause o' that?' 'Why,' says
he, 'look here, Mr. Slick. What IS the use of reading the Proverbs of
Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens, that are every mite and
morsel as wise as he was? That 'ere man undertook to say there was
nothing new under the sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too
fast, if he was to see our steamboats, railroads, and India rubber
shoes--three inventions worth more nor all he knew put in a heap
together.' 'Well, I don't know,' said I, 'but somehow or another, I
guess you'd have found preaching the best speculation in the long
run; them 'ere Unitarians pay better than Uncle Sam.' (We call," said
the Clockmaker, "the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the
British John Bull.)
"That remark seemed to grig him a little; he felt oneasy like, and
walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms deep in thought; at last
he said, 'Which way are you from, Mr. Slick, this hitch?' 'Why,' says
I, 'I've run away up South a-speculating in nutmegs.' 'I hope,' says
the Professor, 'they were a good article, the real right down genuine
thing.' 'No mistake,' says I, 'no mistake, Professor: they were all
prime, first chop; but why did you ax that 'ere question?' 'Why,'
says he, 'that eternal scoundrel, that Captain John Allspice of
Nahant, he used to trade to Charleston, and he carried a cargo once
there of fifty barrels of nutmegs: well, he put half a bushel of
good ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled up
with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul could tell the
difference until HE BIT ONE WITH HIS TEETH, and that he never thought
of doing, until he was first BIT HIMSELF. Well, it's been a standing
joke with them southerners agin us ever since.
"'It was only t'other day at Washington, that everlasting Virginny
duellist, General Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the
President's house, said to me, "Well Everett," says he, "you know I
was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed my mind
since your able speech on it; I shall vote for it now." "Give me your
hand," says I, "General Cuffy; the Boston folks will be dreadful glad
when they hear your splendid talents are on our side. I think it will
go now--we'll carry it." "Yes," says he, "your factories down east
beat all natur'; they go ahead on the English a long chalk." You may
depend I was glad to hear the New Englanders spoken of that way; I
felt proud, I tell you. "And," says he, "there's one manufacture that
might stump all Europe to produce the like." "What's that?" says I,
looking as pleased all the time as a gal that's tickled. "Why," says
he, "the 'facture of wooden nutmegs; that's a cap sheef that bangs
the bush--it's a real Yankee patent invention." With that all the
gentlemen set up a laugh, you might have heerd away down to Sandy
Hook, and the Gineral gig-gobbled like a great turkey-cock--the half
nigger, half alligator-like looking villain as he is. I tell you
what, Mr. Slick,' said the Professor, 'I wish with all my heart them
'ere damned nutmegs were in the bottom of the sea.' That was the
first oath I ever heerd him let slip: but he was dreadful riled, and
it made me feel ugly too, for it's awful to hear a minister swear;
and the only match I know for it, is to hear a regular sneezer of a
sinner quote Scripture. Says I, 'Mr. Everett, that's the fruit that
politics bears; for my part I never seed a good graft on it yet, that
bore anything good to eat, or easy to digest.'
"Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with his hands
behind him, quite taken up a-ciphering in his head, and then he
straightened himself up, and he put his hand upon his heart, just as
he used to do in the pulpit (he looked pretty I tell you), and slowly
lifting his hand off his breast, he said, 'Mr. Slick, our tree of
liberty was a beautiful tree--a splendid tree--it was a sight to look
at; it was well fenced and well protected, and it grew so stately and
so handsome, that strangers came from all parts of the globe to see
it. They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the world.
Well, the mobs have broke in and tore down the fences, and snapped
off the branches, and scattered all the leaves about, and it looks
no better than a gallows tree. I am afeared,' said he, 'I tremble
to think on it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of
pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace; I am, indeed, I vow, Mr.
Slick.' He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen, that I felt kinder
sorry for him; I actilly thought he'd a boo-hoo'd right out.
"So, to turn the conversation, says I, 'Professor, what 'ere great
map is that I seed you a-studyin' over when I came in?' Says he,
'it's a map of Nova Scotia. That,' says he, 'is a valuable province,
a real clever province; we hain't got the like on it, but it's most
plagily in our way.' 'Well,' says I, 'send for Sam Patch' (that 'ere
man was a great diver," says the Clockmaker, "and the last dive he
took was off the falls of Niagara, and he was never heerd of agin
till t'other day, when Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann
whaler saw him in the South Sea. 'Why,' says Captain Enoch to him,
'why Sam,' says he, 'how on airth did you get here? I thought you was
drowned at the Canadian lines.' 'Why,' says he, 'I didn't get ON
airth here at all, but I came right slap THROUGH it. In that 'ere
Niagara dive, I went so everlasting deep, I thought it was just as
short to come up t'other side, so out I came in those parts. If I
don't take the shine off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston,
then my name's not Sam Patch'.) 'Well,' says I, 'Professor, send for
Sam Patch, the diver, and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in
the bottom of the Province and blow it up; or if that won't do, send
for some of our steam towboats from our great Eastern cities, and tow
it out to sea; you know there's nothing our folks can't do, when they
once fairly take hold on a thing in airnest.'
"Well, that made him laugh; he seemed to forget about the nutmegs,
and says he, 'That's a bright scheme, but it won't do; we shall want
the Province some day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William; they
say he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred millions
of pounds starling--we'll buy it, as we did Florida. In the meantime
we must have a canal from Bay Fundy to Bay Varte, right through
Cumberland neck, by Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to
Labradore.' 'I guess you must ax leave first,' said I. 'That's jist
what I was ciphering at,' says he, 'when you came in. I believe we
won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it; IT'S A ROAD OF
NEEDCESSITY. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall of Baltimore say;
"If the people's highway is dangerous, a man may take down a fence
and pass through the fields as a way of NEEDCESSITY;" and we shall do
it on that principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous. I
wonder the Nova Scotians don't do it for their own convenience.' Said
I, 'it wouldn't make a bad speculation that.' 'The critters don't
know no better,' said he. 'Well,' says I, 'the St. John's folks, why
don't they? for they are pretty cute chaps them.'
"'They remind me,' says the Professor, 'of Jim Billings. You knew
Jim Billings, didn't you, Mr. Slick?' 'Oh yes,' said I, 'I knew him.
It was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the West
Indies.' 'The same,' says he. 'Well, I went to see him the other day
at Mrs. Lecain's boarding-house, and says I, "Billings, you have a
nice location here." "A plaguy sight too nice," said he. "Marm Lecain
makes such an etarnal touss about her carpets, that I have to go
along that everlasting long entry, and down both staircases, to the
street door to spit; and it keeps all the gentlemen a-running with
their mouths full all day. I had a real bout with a New Yorker this
morning. I run down to the street door, and afore I seed anybody
a-coming, I let go, and I vow if I didn't let a chap have it all over
his white waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the
door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain taught and
leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bedroom like a shot, and
hides behind the curtain. Well, he roared like a bull, till black
Lucretia, one of the house-helps, let him go, and they looked into
all the gentlemen's rooms and found nobody; so I got out of that 'ere
scrape. So, what with Marm Lecain's carpets in the house, and other
folks' waistcoats in the street, it's too nice a location for me, I
guess, so I shall up killock and off tomorrow to the TREE-mont."
"'Now,' says the Professor, 'the St. John's folks are jist like
Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit box, and saved him
all them 'ere journeys to the street door--and a canal at Bay Varte
would save the St. John's folks a voyage all round Nova Scotia. Why,
they can't get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage
most as long as one to Europe. If we had that 'ere neck of land in
Cumberland, we'd have a ship canal there, and a town at each end of
it as big as Portland. You may talk of Solomon,' said the Professor,
'but if Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like a lily of the
field, neither was he in all his wisdom, equal in knowledge to a real
free American citizen.' 'Well,' said I, 'Professor, we are a most
enlightened people, that's sartain, but somehow I don't like to hear
you run down King Solomon neither; perhaps he warn't quite so wise
as Uncle Sam, but then,' said I (drawing close to the Professor, and
whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room might hear
me), 'but then, said I, may be he was every bit and grain as honest.'
Says he, 'Mr. Slick, there are some folks who think a good deal and
say but little, and they are wise folks; and there are others agin,
who blart right out whatever comes uppermost, and I guess they are
pretty considerable superfine darned fools.'
"And with that he turned right round, and sat down to his map and
never said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole blessed
time."