Justice Pettifog.
In the morning the Clockmaker informed me that a Justice's Court was
to be held that day at Pugnose's inn, and he guessed he could do
a little business among the country folks that would be assembled
there. Some of them, he said, owed him for clocks, and it would save
him a world of travelling, to have the Justice and Constable to
drive them up together. "If you want a fat wether, there's nothing
like penning up the whole flock in a corner. I guess," said he, "if
General Campbell knew what sort of a man that 'ere magistrate was,
he'd disband him pretty quick; he's a regular suck egg--a disgrace
to the country. I guess if he acted that way in Kentucky, he'd get
a breakfast of cold lead some morning, out of the small eend of a
rifle, he'd find pretty difficult to digest. They tell me he issues
three hundred writs a year, the cost of which, including that
tarnation constable's fees, can't amount to nothing less than three
thousand dollars per annum. If the Hon'ble Daniel Webster had him
afore a jury, I reckon he'd turn him inside out, and slip him back
again, as quick as an old stocking. He'd paint him to the life, as
plain to be known as the head of Gineral Jackson. He's jist a fit
feller for Lynch law, to be tried, hanged, and damned, all at once;
there's more nor him in the country--there's some of the breed in
every county in the Province. Jist one or two to do the dirty work,
as we keep niggers for jobs that would give a white man the cholera.
They ought to pay his passage, as we do with such critters, tell him
his place is taken in the mail coach, and if he is found here after
twenty-four hours, they'd make a carpenter's plumb-bob of him, and
hang him outside the church steeple, to try if it was perpendicular.
He almost always gives judgment for plaintiff, and if the poor
defendant has an offset, he makes him sue it, so that it grinds a
grist both ways for him, like the upper and lower millstone."
People soon began to assemble, some on foot, and others on
horseback and in wagons. Pugnose's tavern was all bustle and
confusion--plaintiffs, defendants, and witnesses, all talking,
quarrelling, explaining, and drinking. "Here comes the Squire," said
one. "I'm thinking his horse carries more roguery than law," said
another. "They must have been in proper want of timber to make a
justice of," said a third, "when they took such a crooked stick as
that." "Sap-headed enough too for refuse," said a stout-looking
farmer. "May be so," said another, "but as hard at the heart as a
log of elm." "Howsomever," said a third, "I hope it won't be long
afore he has the wainy edge scored off of him, anyhow." Many more
such remarks were made, all drawn from familiar objects, but all
expressive of bitterness and contempt.
He carried one or two large books with him in his gig, and a
considerable roll of papers. As soon as the obsequious Mr. Pugnose
saw him at the door, he assisted him to alight, ushered him into the
"best room," and desired the constable to attend "the Squire." The
crowd immediately entered, and the Constable opened the court in due
form, and commanded silence.
Taking out a long list of causes, Mr. Pettifog commenced reading the
names: "James Sharp versus John Slug--call John Slug." John Slug
being duly called and not answering, was defaulted. In this manner
he proceeded to default some twenty or thirty persons. At last he
came to a cause, "William Hare versus Dennis O'Brien--call Dennis
O'Brien." "Here I am," said a voice from the other room--"here I am,
who has anything to say to Dennis O'Brien?"
"Make less noise, sir," said the Justice, "or I'll commit you."
"Commit me, is it," said Dennis. "Take care then, Squire, you don't
commit yourself."
"You are sued by William Hare for three pounds, for a month's board
and lodging; what have you to say to it?"
"Say to it?" said Dennis. "Did you ever hear what Tim Doyle said
when he was going to be hanged for stealing a pig? Says he, 'If
the pig hadn't squeeled in the bag I'd never have been found out,
so I wouldn't.' So I'll take warning by Tim Doyle's fate; I say
nothing--let him prove it." Here Mr. Hare was called on for his
proof, but taking it for granted that the board would be admitted,
and the defence opened, he was not prepared with proof.
"I demand," said Dennis, "I demand an unsuit."
Here there was a consultation between the Justice and the Plaintiff,
when the Justice said, "I shall not nonsuit him, I shall continue the
cause." "What, hang it up till next court? You had better hang me up
then at once. How can a poor man come here so often? This may be the
entertainment Pugnose advertises for horses, but by Jacquers, it is
no entertainment for me. I admit then, sooner than come again, I
admit it."
"You admit you owe him three pounds then for a month's board?"
"I admit no such thing; I say I boarded with him a month, and was
like Pat Moran's cow at the end of it, at the lifting, bad luck to
him." A neighbour was here called, who proved that the three pounds
might be the usual price. "And do you know I taught his children to
write at the school?" said Dennis. "You might," answered the witness.
"And what is that worth?" "I don't know." "You don't know? Faith, I
believe you're right," said Dennis, "for if the children are half as
big rogues as the faither, they might leave writing alone, or they'd
be like to be hanged for forgery." Here Dennis produced his account
for teaching five children, two quarters, at nine shillings a quarter
each, four pounds ten shillings. "I am sorry, Mr. O'Brien," said the
Justice, "very sorry, but your defence will not avail you; your account
is too large for one Justice; any sum over three pounds must be sued
before two magistrates."
"But I only want to offset as much as will pay the board."
"It can't be done in this shape," said the magistrate; "I will
consult Justice Dolittle, my neighbour, and if Mr. Hare won't settle
with you, I will sue it for you."
"Well," said Dennis, "all I have to say is, that there is not so big
a rogue as Hare on the whole river, save and except one scoundrel
who shall be nameless," making a significant and humble bow to the
Justice. Here there was a general laugh throughout the court. Dennis
retired to the next room to indemnify himself by another glass
of grog, and venting his abuse against Hare and the Magistrate.
Disgusted at the gross partiality of the Justice, I also quitted the
court, fully concurring in the opinion, though not in the language,
that Dennis was giving utterance to in the bar room.
Pettifog owed his elevation to his interest at an election. It is
to be hoped that his subsequent merits will be as promptly rewarded,
by his dismissal from a bench which he disgraces and defiles by his
presence.