HOMEWARDS
IN a morning air of miraculous freshness Edwin left the quad by the iron
gates on the eastern side. The square was quite empty, for all its usual
inhabitants were now in early school. He noticed an unusual aspect of
space and cleanliness. He could not remember ever having seen it empty
before. He noticed the tuck-shop in the corner by the swimming-bath.
This, too, was closed, and the windows were heavily shuttered. It was a
small thing, but it suddenly occurred to him that people put up their
shutters or pulled down their blinds when some one lay dead in a house.
It seemed to him like a sort of omen. He said to himself, “I must think
of something else . . . I must think of something else. I can’t bear
it.” The only other time when he had ever thought of death had been a
single moment a week or so before when his mother had written about her
plan of a visit to Switzerland. And then the thought had been no more
than an indefinite shadow, too remote to be threatening. Now it was
different. The threat was ponderable and vast. “Death . . . I mustn’t
think of it. I must think of something else.”
He had to think of something else; for by the time the gate clanged
behind him the clock in the tower struck the quarter, and he knew that he
had barely time to catch his train. With his bag in his hand he started
running up the road between the tufted grassy banks; past the scene of
his last adventure, the oak paling beside the nightingale’s spinney, past
the last of the new villas, and so, on to the open downs. It was a
strange adventure for him to reach them so early in the morning. Their
turf was silvered still with a fine dew that made it even paler than a
chalk down should be. Fold beyond beautiful fold they stretched before
him. The woody belts of beech and pine lay veiled in milky mist, and the
air which moved to meet him, as it seemed, over that expanse of breathing
grass, was of an intoxicating coolness and sweetness which went to his
head and made him want to shout or sing. The spring of a summer morning
in the spring of life! It was all wrong. Surely no awful devastation of
death could overshadow such an ecstasy of physical happiness? He refused
to believe it. It was all fantastic nonsense. Of course she wasn’t
dead. Your mother couldn’t die without your feeling it. . . .
At the station he had five minutes to spare. He changed his sovereign,
and was relieved to be rid of the responsibility of one coin, and to fill
his pocket with silver. There were several coppers in the change, and
these he placed in a penny-in-the-slot machine, extracting several
metallic ingots of chocolate cream. He was ready for these at once, for
his only breakfast had been a hurried cup of tea and a slice of bread and
butter in the matron’s room. The train jolted out of the station, and
soon he was travelling eastward with the high water-tower of St. Luke’s
dipping gradually beneath a long horizon.
The morning grew more beautiful. In some strange way its beauty seemed
to have got into his blood; for he tingled with a kind of mild ecstasy
which he couldn’t help feeling unsuitable—almost irreverent, to the
tragic occasion. There was adventure in it and the added charm of the
unexpected. He was going home. Surely it was reasonable enough to be
excited at such a prospect as that, to smell the fine summer scents that
were so different in a midland shire; to see the gorse ablaze on Pen
Beacon and Uffdown and the green glades of the old Mercian wood. Of
course it was always wonderful to be going home.
He remembered other homecomings from St. Luke’s; the first, and best of
all, when, on a December morning they had crowded into the housemaster’s
room where Mr. Selby sat in his dressing-gown, with a gaslight flaring,
handing out the little paper packets of travelling money; how the damp
platform at the station had been crowded with human happiness and such a
holiday spirit of independence that Griffin and Douglas had lighted
cigarettes while they waited for the train. That was the town station.
He reflected that he had only once before been to the Downs, where the
train service, except on race days, was not so good; that had been on the
occasion of his first visit to St. Luke’s for the scholarship exam. He
had come down in an Eton suit, fortunately correct, and an unfortunate
topper that he would have given his life to hide when he found that they
were not worn. And his mother had come down with him. At the thought of
her the old numbing dread fell upon his heart. Perhaps this was the very
carriage in which they had travelled. He remembered the journey so well:
how she had sat in the right-hand corner, with her face to the engine,
wearing a tailor-made grey coat and skirt, a velvet hat and a veil. He
had been looking at her rather critically, for he was anxious that she
should seem what she was—the most beautiful creature in the world. And
when he was looking at her with this in his mind she had smiled at him,
for no other reason in the world probably but that she loved him; and
with that smile he had been satisfied that she really was beautiful. And
he had noticed how lovely her hands were when she took her gloves off. . . .
Now, the memory of the moment made him want to cry, just as the
beauty of the morning made him full of exultation. It was a most
perilous mixture of emotions.
By this time the region of downs had been left far behind. They were
gliding, more smoothly, it seemed, through the heavily-wooded park
country of the home counties. Stations became more frequent, and the
train began to fill with business people hurrying to London for their
morning’s work. They settled themselves in their carriages as though
they were confident that their seats had been reserved for them. They
were all rather carefully, rather shabbily dressed: the cuffs of their
coats were shiny, and the cuffs of their shirts fringed, and one of them,
a gentleman with a top-hat half-covered by a mourning-band, wore
cuff-covers of white paper. They all read their morning papers and
rarely spoke; but when they did speak to each other they used an almost
formal respect in their addresses which implied that they were all
respectable, God-fearing people with responsibilities and semi-detached
houses. Edwin they ignored—not so much as a wilful intrusion as an
unfortunate accident. He began to feel ashamed that, by starting from
the terminus, he had occupied a corner seat to which the gentleman with
the paper cuffs had an inalienable right.
In a little while the villas from which this population had emerged began
to creep closer to the track, and by the seventh station their backs were
crowding close to the embankment with long, narrow gardens in which the
crimson rambler rose seemed to have established itself like a weed. The
houses, too, or rather the backs of them, grew more uniform, being all
built with bricks of an unhealthy yellow or putty colour. Soon there
were no more buildings semi-detached. The endless rows seemed to be
suffering some process of squeezing or constriction that made them
coalesce and edged them closer and closer to the railway line. Soon the
gardens grew so small that there was no room in them for green things,
only for a patch of black earth occupied by lean cats, and posts
connected by untidy pieces of rope on which torn laundry was hung out to
collect the smuts or flap drearily in a night of drizzle. Then the
gardens went altogether; and the beautiful and natural love of green
things showed itself in sodden window-boxes full of languishing geranium
cuttings or mignonette. The very atmosphere seemed to have been
subjected to the increasing squeeze; for the mild air of the downs had
here a yellow tinge as though it were being curdled. To complete the
process the train plunged, at last, into a sulphurous tunnel, emerging
amid acrid fumes in a sort of underground vault where the door was opened
by a ticket-collector with a red tie, tired already, who shouted
“Tickets, please.”
None of the respectable suburban gentlemen took any notice of him, for by
purchasing season tickets they had rendered themselves immune from his
attentions; but he glared at Edwin, and Edwin passed him his ticket,
which was handed on as if it were a curiosity and a rather vulgar
possession by the gentlemen on his side of the compartment. The door was
slammed. The man with the top-hat placed it carefully on his head and
adjusted the paper cuffs. Others folded their morning papers and put
them in their pockets. One, apparently recognizing a friend who was
sitting opposite to him, for the first time, said “Good-morning,” and the
train passed amid thunderous echoes under the arch and into Victoria
Station. All his fellow-passengers were adepts at evacuation, and before
he knew where he was Edwin was alone in the carriage.
He was very lonely and yet, somehow, a little important. Usually, at
term end, he had crossed London with Widdup, whose westward train also
started from Paddington. He hailed a hansom, and one that was worthy of
its name: a shining chariot, all coach-builders’ varnish, with yellow
wheels and polished brass door-handles and clean straw that smelt of the
stable on its floor. The cabman was youngish, mahogany-complexioned, and
ready to be facetious. He called Edwin “My lord,” and Edwin hardly knew
whether to treat him seriously or not. “Geawing to the races, my lord?”
he said. The Lord knew Edwin had had enough of races for a bit. He said
“Paddington.” “Ascot or Newbury?” said the cabby, climbing to his seat.
It was a great moment. The movement was all so swift and luxurious, the
hansom so delicately sprung that it swayed gently with the horse’s
motion. The polished lamps on either side were filled with wedding
rosettes. Inside on either hand were oblong mirrors in which Edwin could
almost see his own profile: a subject of endless curiosity. There was
even a little brass receptacle for cigar-ash. A Cunarder of a cab! The
cabby whistled “Little Dolly Daydreams” with a ravishing tremolo. The
cab, which had jolted a trifle on the setts of the station-yard, passed
among a flight of feeding pigeons out of the iron gates into the bowling
smoothness of the Palace Road. My word, this was life. . . . Life! . . .
Perhaps she was dead already. Oh, why should a day like this be
marred?
It seemed to him, after a moment’s thought, that it was possible—even if
it were wrong—to be possessed by two and opposite emotions at once. He
was miserable to feel an alarm which wasn’t exactly definite or real, and
yet he could not help enjoying this astounding and unforeseen adventure.
“If I _do_ feel like that,” he thought, “it can’t be exactly wrong.” And
that comforted him.
He surrendered himself to the joys of the morning. The streets were so
wide and clean, the green fringe of the park so pleasant: through the
railings he could see men and women on horseback taking an early ride,
enjoying, like him, the coolness of the morning air. He wondered at the
great white stucco houses of Park Lane, standing back from the wide
pavement with an air of pompous reticence. Before one of them, remnant
of a summer dance the night before, a tented portico, striped with red
and white, overstretched the pavement. Edwin did not know what kind of
people lived in these houses, but in the light of this morning it seemed
to him that theirs must be an existence of fabulous happiness, all clean
and bright and shining as the morning itself or the rubber-tired hansom,
spinning along with its yellow spokes beside the neat park railings. All
of them were surely exalted, splendid creatures, born to great names and
a clear-cut way of life without the least complication, dowered with a
kind of instinctive physical cleanliness.
At the corner, by Marble Arch, the hansom cab, silent but for its jolly
jingling bells, nearly ran over an old gentleman in a frock coat with an
exquisite white stock and a noble nose. His name was probably Cohen; but
Edwin thought he must be at least an Earl.
Once again the resorts of elegance were left behind. The hansom, heaving
heavily, was checked on the slope of the gradient descending to the
departure platform at Paddington. Opposite the booking-office it
stopped, and Edwin was released from this paradisaical loosebox. The
cabby, wishing him the best of luck at Goodwood, patted his horse, whom
he had christened Jeddah, and climbed up again to his seat whistling
divinely. Edwin was disgorged upon the long platform at Paddington that
rumbled with the sound of many moving trollies below a faint hiss of
escaping steam, and smelt, as he had always remembered it, of sulphur
mingled with axle grease and the peculiar odour that hangs about tin
milk-cans. He was thankful to be free of it, sitting in the corner of a
third-class carriage opposite a stout woman with eyes that looked as if
she had been crying all night, and a heavy black veil, whose hat was
surmounted by coloured photographs of the Memorial Theatre at Stratford
and Brixham Trawlers waiting for a Breeze.
This train ran out of London more easily than the other had entered it.
The area of painful constriction seemed more narrow, and in an incredibly
short time he found himself gliding along the Thames valley with the
ghostly round tower of Windsor Castle on his left.
At Reading, where the sidings of the biscuit factory reminded him of teas
which he had “brewed” with Widdup, the woman opposite took out a crumpled
paper bag, and began to eat sandwiches. She lifted her veil to do so,
and the process suddenly proclaimed her human. Edwin saw that she
wasn’t, as he had imagined, a sombre, mute-like creature, but a woman of
middle age with a comfortable face and a methodical appetite.
He began to wonder what he should say if she offered him a sandwich, for
he dreaded the idea of accepting anything from a stranger, and at the
same time could not deny that he was awfully hungry, for the chocolate
creams that he had absorbed at the Downs station had failed to dull his
normal appetite. This emergency, however, never arose. The woman in
black worked steadily through her meal, and when she had finished her
packet of sandwiches folded the paper bag tidily and placed it in a
wicker travelling basket, from which she produced one of those
flask-shaped bottles in which spirits are sold at railways stations.
From this she took a prolonged and delicious gulp; recorked and replaced
it, smiled to herself, sighed, and lowered her portcullis once more.
It cheered Edwin to think that she wasn’t as inhuman and sinister as he
had imagined; and in a little while he saw beneath her veil that she had
closed her eyes and was gradually falling asleep. The sun, meanwhile,
was climbing towards the south, and the railway carriage began to reflect
the summery atmosphere of the green and pleasant land through which the
train was passing. It made golden the dust on the window-pane at Edwin’s
elbow and discovered warm colours in the pile of the russet cloth with
which the carriage was upholstered.
It was a country of green woods and fields of ripening mowing-grass from
which the sound of a machine could sometimes be heard above the rumble of
the train. It all seemed extraordinarily peaceful. A cuckoo passed in
level flight from one of the hedgerow elms to the dark edge of a wood.
In the heart of the wood itself a straight green clearing appeared. It
reminded Edwin of the green roads that pierced the woods below Uffdown,
and he remembered, poignantly, the walk with his mother in the Easter
holidays when they had reached the crown of the hills at sunset. Some
day, they had said, they would make that journey again. Some day . . .
perhaps never. Was it quite impossible to get away from that threatening
shadow? But even while he was thinking how unreasonable and how cruel
the whole business was, another sight fell upon his eyes and filled him
with a new and strange excitement: a small cluster of spires set in a
city of pale smoke, and one commanding dome. He held his breath. He
knew that it was Oxford.
This, then, was the city of his dreams. Here, in a little while, he
would find himself living the new life of leisure and spaciousness and
culture which had become his chief ambition. This was his Mecca: “That
lovely city with her dreaming spires,” he whispered to himself. It was
indeed merciful that the vision of his second dream should come to cheer
him when the first became so perilously near extinction.
Even when the train began to slow down among red-brick suburbs of an
appalling ugliness the mood of excitement had not faded. The train ran
in smoothly, and the woman in black awoke and blew her nose. Edwin,
looking out of the carriage window, saw a congregation of demigods in
grey flannel trousers, celestial socks, and tweed Norfolk coats lounging
with a grace that was Olympian upon the platform. All of them, he
thought, were supremely happy. In this holy city happiness had her
dwelling. One of them—his back was turned to Edwin—reminded him of
Layton, the old head of the house. He remembered with a thrill, that
Layton, who had won a scholarship at New College, was now in Oxford. Of
course it must be he. Very excited, Edwin slipped out of the carriage
and ran after him. “Layton!” he called. And the young man looked round.
“What do you want?” he said. It wasn’t Layton at all. Edwin apologised.
“I’m awfully sorry. I thought you were a chap I knew.”
The porters were slamming the doors and he only just managed to scramble
into his seat before the train started. The woman in black spoke for the
first time. She had a soothing voice, with a west-country burr that
reminded him of his father and Widdup. “I thought you were going to be
left behind,” she said. “I saw your bag was labelled North Bromwich.”
Shouts were heard on the platform. “North Bromwich next stop. . . .
Next stop North Bromwich . . .” Edwin sat down panting, and the train
moved off. “Next stop North Bromwich. . .” The words echoed in his
brain, and chilled him. He didn’t want to look back to see the last of
Oxford. Next stop North Bromwich. At North Bromwich he would know the
worst. Swiftly, inevitably, the train was carrying him towards it. The
tragedy had to be faced.
He was seized with a sudden inconsolable fear of desolation. His eyes
brimmed with tears so that the coloured landscape could not be seen any
longer. The tears gathered and fell. He could feel them trickling down
his cheeks, and when he knew that he could not hold them back any longer
the strain of his emotion was too strong for him, and, against his will,
he sobbed aloud, burying his face in his hands.
The woman in black, hearing the sobs, raised her veil and looked at him.
“What is it, my dear?” she said.
“Oh, nothing . . . nothing.”
“Folks don’t cry about nothing. . . .”
She spoke quite kindly, and her kindness was too much for him. It gave
him quite an unaccountable feeling of relief to speak about it.
“It’s . . . it’s my mother,” he said.
“There now. . . . Is it really? That’s bad for ’ee. When did she pass
away?”
“She isn’t dead. I . . . I hope she isn’t. But she’s awfully ill.”
“Don’t cry now, boy. While there’s life there’s hope. I always tells
them that.”
“Who do you tell that to?”
The black woman laughed. “Who do I tell that to? Ha . . . that’s a good
’un. Why, dearie, my patients, of course.”
“I don’t understand. . . . What sort of patients?”
“Well, Mr. Inquisitive, if you must know, I’m a monthly nurse.”
Still Edwin did not understand. He asked,—“Do many of them die?”
“Why, bless my heart, no. It’s more a matter of births than deaths. Not
that I haven’t a’ seen deaths. And laid them out. But I’ll tell you
something. It’s my belief that they all die happy. And though it’s hard
on a young boy like you to lose his best friend—that’s his mother—it’s my
belief that death is a happy release. Yes, a happy release. I always
tell them that. Especially after a long illness. I wonder, has your
dear mother been ill for a long time?”
Edwin thought. “Yes.”
“Perhaps,” said the black woman with relish, “Perhaps you could give me
some idea of what she was suffering from and then I could tell you near
enough.”
“I think,” said Edwin, “it was diabetes.”
“Diabetes . . . think of that! I’ve a’ had several with that. It’s a
bad complaint. Very. I’m afraid I can’t give you the hopes that I’d
like to.”
“But don’t they ever get better?” Edwin asked in agony. “I expect they
do sometimes, don’t they?”
“It all goes to sugar,” said the woman enigmatically. “I ought to know
for I’ve had them. Yes . . . I’ve had them. But while there’s life
there’s hope. That’s what I always say. And a boy’s best friend is his
mother. You must never forget her.”
“I couldn’t forget her. Oh, I wish you’d never told me,” said Edwin,
sobbing once more.
“Now, dearie, don’t take on so. You mustn’t take on so. You must take
what God gives you. I always tell them that.”
“I won’t take what God gives me,” he cried. “I won’t. I can’t bear to
lose her.”
“Ssh. . . . You mustn’t say that. It’s wicked to say that; I should be
frightened to be struck dead myself if I said a thing like that in God’s
hearing.”
She looked nervously at the luggage rack above her head as if she
expected to find the Almighty in hiding there. Edwin followed the
direction of her glance and read: “_This rack is provided for light
articles only it must not be used for heavy luggage_.” He wondered
inconsequently, whether the stop, which was missing, should come before
or after the word “only.”
“You must cheer up, dearie,” said the black woman soothingly. “While
there’s life . . .”
Edwin wished she would shut up. He was sorry that she had ever spoken,
and yet he couldn’t quite suppress a desire to be further informed on
certain technical details which this authority had at her finger-tips.
“Is it a painful death?” he asked slowly, wiping away the last of his
tears.
“Painful? . . . Well . . . not to say painful. Not as painful as some.
Most of mine passed away in their sleep like. And they look so peaceful
and happy. It’s a great consolation to their friends. Just like a doll,
they look. That’s better. You mustn’t cry. That’s a brave boy. Upon
my word, even though I’m used to it, it’s quite upset me talking to you.”
She gave a little laugh and dived once more for the bottle of spirits.
“This wouldn’t be no use to you,” she said, as she took a swig. Edwin
shook his head.
“Every woman has a mother’s feelings. And I know what they go through.
I understand. I do. Now, that’s right. Cheer up and be a good lad.
Hope for the best. That’s what I tell them. . . .”
“This rack is intended for light articles only. It must not be used for
heavy luggage. This rack is intended for light articles. Only it must
not be used for heavy luggage. While there’s life there’s hope. While
there’s life there’s hope. While there’s life there’s hope.”
So, in the pitiful whirl of Edwin’s brain, foolish words re-echoed, and
in the end the empty phrase seemed to attach itself to the regular beat
of the train’s rhythm as the wheels rolled over the joints in the rails.
Mesmerised by the formula he only dimly realised that they were now
roaring, under a sky far paler and less blue, towards the huge pall of
yellowish atmosphere beneath which the black country sweltered.
Soon the prim small gardens told that they were touching the tentacles of
a great town. A patch of desert country, scarred with forgotten workings
in which water reflected the pale sky, and scattered with heaps of slag.
A pair of conical blast furnaces standing side by side and towering above
the black factory sheds like temples of some savage religion, as indeed
they were. Gloomy canal wharfs, fronting on smoke-blackened walls where
leaky steampipes, bound with asbestos, hissed. The exhaust of a single
small engine, puffing regular jets of dazzling white steam, seen but not
heard. A canal barge painted in garish colours, swimming in yellow
water, foul with alkali refuse. A disused factory with a tall chimney on
which the words Harris and Co., Brass Founders, was painted in vertical
letters which the mesmeric eye must read. Another mile of black desert,
pools, and slag heaps, and ragged children flying kites. Everywhere a
vast debris of rusty iron, old wheels, corroded boilers, tubes writhen
and tangled as if they had been struck by lightning. An asphalt
school-yard on a slope, with a tall, gothic school and children screaming
their lungs out, but silent to Edwin’s ears. Endless mean streets of
dusky brick houses with roofs of purple slate and blue brick footpaths.
Dust and an acrid smell as of smoking pit heaps. More houses, and above
them, misty, and almost beautiful, the high clock tower of the Art
Gallery. A thunderous tunnel. . . . The clamour of the wheels swelled
to an uproar. “While there’s life there’s hope. While there’s life
there’s hope.” Under the gloom of the great glass roof the train
emerged.
“Good-bye, dearie,” said the black woman, smiling. “I hope it’s not as
bad as you think. You never know. Don’t forget your bag, now.”
He could easily have done so.