_House of Commons, Monday, May 12._--"If a shutter be closed in the
daytime," said OLD MORALITY, a little abruptly, as we walked down to
House to-day, "the stream of light piercing through the crevice seems to
be in constant agitation. Why is this?"
Hadn't slightest idea. Suggested Right Hon. Gentleman had better give
notice of question.
[Illustration: "Can't a-bear verbosity."]
"I can tell you why," he proceeded, with unwonted perturbation. "Because
little motes and particles of dust, thrown into agitation by the
convective currents of the air, are made visible by the strong beam of
light thrown into the room through the crevice of the shutter. That's
just the way with us, dear TOBY; _a_ is the hatred of Government by the
Opposition, the strong desire to take our places; _b_ is the convective
currents of air which agitate the political atmosphere; _c_ is the
Compensation Bill, the strong beam of light which, thrown into House
through crevice opened by JOKIM, makes the whole thing clear. Don't know
whether _I_ am; but if you reflect on the situation, you'll find there
is much in what I say. We were going along moderately well. Irish Land
Bill, of course, a rock ahead; everyone takes that into account.
Suddenly JOKIM, spoiling for a fight, goes and invents this Compensation
Bill, quietly hands it over to RITCHIE to work through, and all the
greasy compound is in the devouring element. Seems a pity we could not
leave the tolerably satisfactory undisturbed. Now we're in for it.
Meetings out-of-doors; opposition in-doors; prospect of getting on with
ordinary work of Session receding into distance."
Good deal of truth in what OLD MORALITY says. House crowded to-night;
full of seething excitement. RITCHIE moved Second Reading of
Compensation Bill; CAINE moved Amendment, eliminating principle of
compensation. Capital speech; would have been better if it had been half
an hour shorter. Between them, RITCHIE and CAINE occupied nearly three
hours of sitting, leaving five hours for the remaining 668 Members.
"This is not debate," protested SHAW-LEFEVRE, sternly! "it is preaching;
why cannot a man be concise? Concision, if I may coin a word, is the
soul of argument. My old friend DIZZY used to say to me, 'SHAW, what I
admire about LEFEVRE is his terseness. If you want a man to say in
twenty minutes everything that, from his point of view, is to be spoken
on a given subject, SHAW-LEFEVRE is the man.' That was, perhaps, a too
flattering view to take; but there's something in it, and it makes me,
perhaps naturally, impatient of a man who wanders round his subject for
an hour and a half."
_Business done._--Debate on Compensation opened.
_Tuesday._--"Heard something about good man struggling with adversity,"
said Member for Sark, looking at RATHBONE. "Nothing to goody goody man
struggling with manuscript of his speech."
RATHBONE certainly a melancholy spectacle. Evidently had spent his
nights and days in preparation of speech on Compensation Bill; brought
it down in large quarto notes. OLD MORALITY glanced across House with
sudden access of interest; thought it was a copy-book; Speech evidently
highly prized at rehearsals in family circle.
"I think," said RATHBONE, complacently, "before I sit down I shall show
you that the view I take is correct."
This remark interjected early in speech; proved rather a favourite.
Whenever RATHBONE got more than usually muddled, looked round nervously
at empty Benches, nodded confidentially to Mace, and remarked, "Before I
sit down I think I shall show you----" What it was he meant to show, no
one quite certain. ELLIOT LEES, who followed, assumed with reckless
light-heartedness of youth, that he meant to show before he sat down,
that the more public-houses licensed, the less drunkenness.
"That," said RATHBONE, with unaccustomed flash of intelligent speech,
"was exactly the reverse of what I undertook to show the House."
Would have gone on pretty well only for (1) the Accountant, and (2)
SINCLAIR. Whatever it was RATHBONE was going to show before he sat down,
he had fortified himself in his position by opinion of a sworn
Accountant. Conversations with this Accountant set forth at length.
RATHBONE appears to have been kept by the Accountant in state of
constant surprise. "Let's take two places in the country," he said, in
one of the more lucid passages. "Well, there are only 360 public-houses
in Leeds. Sheffield has 400 public-houses in proportion to population,
whereas Bradford hasn't 160. Well, I was so much struck with this, that
I wanted to know whether there were any reasons for it. So I applied to
the Accountant--_without telling him my object_--which really was," he
added, nodding quite briskly at the Mace, "to know whether there was
more drunkenness in Leeds or Sheffield. He said at once, that Leeds was
the most. Then I said to the Accountant 'I don't care about your
individual cases, let's take the average. Let's take Birmingham.'"
[Illustration: "----but not clear."]
Afterwards Blackburn and Stockport were "taken"--"As if they were goes
of gin," said the Member for Sark; RATHBONE turning over papers, which
appeared to have got upside down, recited heaps of figures. These struck
him the more he studied them. Anonymous Accountant seemed to have
brought him completely under a spell. His highly respectable appearance,
his evident earnestness, his accumulated mass of figures, his engagement
of the Accountant, the tone of his voice, his general attitude, all
conveyed impression that he was really saying something intelligible and
useful. The few Members present honestly endeavoured to follow him;
might have got a clue only for SINCLAIR.
At end of first half-hour RATHBONE began to show signs of distress.
SINCLAIR thought he was signalling for water; prepared to go for glass;
something wrong; RATHBONE violently agitated; nodding and winking and
pointing to recess under bench before him. House now really excited.
Began to think that perhaps the Accountant was hidden down there. If he
could be only got up, might explain matters. SINCLAIR sharing general
agitation, dived under seat; reappeared attempting to secrete small
medicine bottle, apparently containing milk-punch; drew cork with
difficulty; poured out dose, handed it to RATHBONE. RATHBONE gulped it
down; smacked his lips; much refreshed; evidently good for another hour.
"I said to the Accountant," he continued, "if the Magistrates of
Sheffield had indiced these lorcences--I mean endorsed those
licences----."
Off again, wading with the Accountant knee-deep in figures from Leeds to
Sheffield, back to Birmingham, across to Liverpool, on to York, with
occasional sips of milk-punch. A wonderful performance that held in
breathless attention few Members present to hear it.
"It is magnificent," said the Member for Sark; "but it isn't clear."
_Business done._--RATHBONE'S great speech on the Licensing Question.
_Wednesday._--Quite lively for Wednesday afternoon. At outset,
apparently nothing particular in wind. Irish Members had first three
places on Agenda, but that nothing unusual. Prospect was, that Debate on
their first Bill, appropriating Irish Church Fund to provide Dwellings
for Agricultural Labourers, would occupy whole of Sitting; be divided on
just before half-past five. To make sure, AKERS-DOUGLAS issued Whip to
Ministerialists, urging them to be in their places as early as four.
"Never know what the Bhoys will do," he said, sagely. "Like to be on the
safe side. Division at five, so be here at four."
The Bhoys came down in great force at one o'clock; only a score or so of
Ministerialists visible. Fox rose to move Second Reading of Bill. Good
for an hour if necessary. Long JOHN O'CONNOR, that Eiffel Tower of
patriotism, ready to Second Motion, in a discourse of ninety minutes.
"May as well make an afternoon of it," he says, gazing round the
expectant but empty Benches opposite.
FOX just started, when happy thought struck Irish Members. If they
divided at once, before Ministerial majority arrived, could carry Second
Reading; so Brer FOX doubled, and in ten minutes got back home. Long
JOHN folded himself up, till casual passer-by might have mistaken him
for PICTON. Conservatives, not ready for this manoeuvre, dumfounded.
Division imminent; only thing to be done was to make speeches till four
o'clock and majority arrived. Everybody available pressed into service.
CHARLES LEWIS, coming up breathless, declared that "promoters of Bill,
wished by a side-stab in the wind of the Government"--he meant by a
side-wind--"to stab the Measure on the same subject the Government had
brought forward."
That was better; though how you stab by a side-wind not explained.
Prince ARTHUR threw himself languidly into fray. Talked up to quarter
past three; majority beginning to trickle in, T. W. RUSSELL moved
Adjournment of Debate. Defeated by 94 votes against 68. Irish Members
evidently in majority of 26. Prince ARTHUR, with eye nervously watching
door, wished that night or BLUCHER would come. Neither arriving, stepped
aside, letting Irish Members carry their Bill; which they did, amid
tumultuous cheering.
"It's of no consequence, I assure you," Prince ARTHUR said, quoting _Mr.
Toots_ when he inadvertently sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best
bonnet. "They may carry their Bill, but we'll take the money."
_Business done._--Irish Members out-manoeuvre Government.
_Friday._--Second Reading of Compensation Bill carried at early hour
this morning, after dull debate. Morning Sitting to-day for Supply.
Duller than ever. Dullest of all, JOKIM on Treasury Bench in charge of
Estimates.
[Illustration: Sympathy.]
"Yes, TOBY," he said, in reply to sympathetic greeting, "I _am_ a little
hipped; situation growing too heavy for me. Patriotism all very well;
public spirit desirable; self-abnegation, as OLD MORALITY says, is the
seed of virtue. But you may carry spirit of self-sacrifice too far. Read
my speech at dinner to HARTINGTON, of course? Put it in the right light,
don't you think? We Dissentient Liberals, as they call us, are the
Paschal Lambs of politics; except that, instead of being offered up as
sacrifice, we offer up ourselves. Still there are degrees. HARTINGTON
given up something; CHAMBERLAIN chucked himself away; JAMES might have
been on the Woolsack. But think of me, dear TOBY, and all I've
sacrificed. Four years ago a private Member, adrift from my Party; no
chance of reinstatement; not even sure of a seat. Now Chancellor of the
Exchequer, with L5000 a-year, and a pick of safe seats. Too much to
expect of me, TOBY; sometimes more than I can bear;" and JOKIM hid his
face in his copy of the Orders of the Day, whilst THEODORE FRY looking
on, was dissolved in tears.
_Business done._--Supply.
* * * * *
COMPLAINTS are often made as to the non-appreciation of jokes by those
to whom they are addressed. A Correspondent sends us on this subject the
following interesting remarks:--"I have made on an average ten jokes a
day for the last six years. Being in possession of a large independent
income, I could have afforded to make more, but I think ten a day a
reasonable number. I find that, as a rule, the wealthy and highly-placed
have absolutely no appreciation of humour. The necessitous, however,
show a keen taste for it. The other day a gentleman, whom I had only
seen once, asked me for the loan of a sovereign. I immediately made six
jokes running, and was rewarded by six successive peals of laughter. I
then informed him I had no money with me, and left him chuckling to
himself something about an Eastern coin of small value, called, I
believe, a dam."
* * * * *
NARROW ESCAPE OF AN R.A.!--Everyone knows that a Critic is one, who
would, professionally, roast and cut up his own father; but that some
Critics go beyond this, may be gathered from the fact of the Art-Critic
of the _Observer_, in one of his recent reviews of the Academy, having
thus expressed himself:--
"Mr. POYNTER'S flesh is never quite to our liking,"----
Heavens! What a dainty cannibal is this Critic! But how lucky for Mr.
POYNTER.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
* * * * *