_Miss Jenny_ }
} By the Sisters LEAMAR.
_Miss Polly_ }
_The Soldier Doll_}
} By the Two ARMSTRONGS.
_The Sailor Doll_ }
SCENE--_A Nursery. Enter_ Miss JENNY and Miss POLLY, _who perform a
blameless step-dance with an improving chorus_.
Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly,
And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar!
We're fully contented with what's been presented,
Such good little children we both of us are!
[_They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large
Dolls, which they place on chairs._
_Miss J._ _Don't_ they look nice!
Come, POLLY, let us strive
To make ourselves believe that they're alive!
_Miss P._ (addressing Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all
that's nautical.
_The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly)._ Excuse me, Miss, your
sister's more _my_ sort o' gal!
[_Kisses his hand_ to Miss J., _who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed_.
_Miss J._ Oh, POLLY, did you hear? I feel so shy!
_The Soldier D. (with mild self-assertion)._ _I_ can say "Pa" and
"Ma"--and wink my eye.
[_Does so at_ Miss P., _who runs in terror to_ Miss J.'s _side_.
_Miss J._ Why, both are showing signs of animation!
_Miss P._ Who'd think we had such strong imagination!
_The Soldier Doll_ (_aside to the_ Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have
caught their fancy--
In each of us they now a real man see!
Let's keep it up!
_The Sailor D. (dubiously)._ D'ye think as we can _do_ it?
_The Soldier D._ You stick by me, and I will see you through it.
Sit up, and turn your toes out,--don't you loll;
Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll!
[_The_ Sailor Doll _pulls himself together, and rises from chair
importantly_.
_The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman)_--Ladies, with
your kind leave, this gallant gent
Will now his military sketch present.
[Miss J. _and_ P. applaud; _the_ Soldier D., _after feebly
expostulating, is induced to sing_.
_Song, by the Soldier Doll._
When I used to be displayed
In the Burlington Arcade,
With artillery arrayed
Underneath. Shoulder Hump!
I imagine that I made
All the Lady Dolls afraid,
I should draw my battle-blade
From its sheath, Shoulder Hump!
For I'm Mars's gallant son,
And my back I've shown to none,
Nor was ever seen to run
From the strife! &c.
Oh, the battles I'd have won,
And the dashing deeds have done,
If I'd ever fired a gun
In my life! &c.
_Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage)._
By your right flank, wheel!
Let the front rank kneel!
With the bristle of the steel
To the foe.
Till their regiments reel,
At our rattling peal,
And the military zeal
We show!
[_Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him._
_The Soldier Doll._ My friend will next oblige--this jolly Jack Tar
Will give his song and chorus in charack-tar!
[_Same business with_ Sailor D.
_Song, by the Sailor Doll._
In costume I'm
So maritime,
You'd never suppose the fact is,
That with the Fleet
In Regent Street,
I'd precious little naval practice!
There was saucy craft,
Rigged fore an' aft,
Inside o' Mr. CRE-MER'S.
From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques,
Like-wise mechanical stea-mers.
But to navigate the Serpentine,
Yeo ho, my lads, ahoy!
With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine,
Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
I did respeckfully decline,
So I was left in port to pine,
Which wasn't azactually the line
Of a rollicking Sailor Boy,
Yeo-ho! Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!
Yes, there was lots
Of boats and yachts,
Of timber and of tin, too;
But one and all
Was far too small
For a doll o' my size to get into!
I was too big
On any brig
To ship without disas-ter,
And it wouldn't never do
When the cap'n and the crew
Were a set o' little swabs all plas-ter!
_Chorus_--So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.
An Ark is p'raps
The berth for chaps
As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry.
But I sez to SHEM
And the rest o' them,
"How you get along at all's a myst'ry!
With a Wild Beast Show
Let loose below,
And four fe-males on deck too!
I never could agree
With your happy fami-lee,
And your lubberly ways I objeck to."
[_Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the_ Soldier Doll
_advances condescendingly to_ Miss JENNY.
_The Sold. D._ Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies.
But yield to you--though conquering my trade is!
_Miss J. (repulsing him)._ Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!
[The Sold. D. _persists in offering her attentions_.
_Miss P. (watching them bitterly)._ To be deserted by one's doll does
sting you!
[_The_ Sailor D. _approaches_.
_The Sailor D. (to_ Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll
As swears his 'art was ever true to POLL!
(_N.B.--Good opportunity for Song here._)
_Miss P._ (_indignantly to_ Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his
idol!
Do make him stop--(_spitefully_)--When you've _quite_ done with _my_ doll!
_Miss J. (scornfully)._ If you suppose _I_ want your wretched warrior,
I'm sorry _for_ you!
_Miss P._ I for you am sorrier.
_Miss J. (weeping_, R.). POLLY preferred to me--what ignominy!
_Miss P. (weeping,_ L.). My horrid Sailor jilting me for JENNY!
[_The two Dolls face one another_, C.
_Sailor D. (to_ Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her skylights now,
you swab!
_Soldier D. (to_ Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break
your nob!
[_Hits him._
_Sailor D. (in a pale fury)._ This insult must be blotted out in bran!
_Soldier D. (fiercely)._ Come on, I'll shed your sawdust--if I can!
[Miss J. _and_ P. _throw themselves between the
combatants_.
_Miss J._ For any mess you make we shall be scolded,
So wait until a drugget we've unfolded!
[_They lay down drugget on Stage._
_The Soldier D. (politely)._ No hurry, Miss, _we_ don't object to waiting.
_The Sailor D. (aside)._ His valour--like my own--'s evaporating!
(_Defiantly to_ Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run
you through! (_Confidentially_). (If you will not prod _me_,
I won't pink _you_.)
_The Soldier D._ Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass!
(_Confidentially_). (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a _hass_!)
[_They exchange passes at a considerable distance._
_The Sailor D. (aside)._ Don't lose your temper now!
_Sold. D._ Don't get excited.
Do keep a little farther off!
_Sail. D._ Delighted!
[_Wounds_ Soldier D. _by misadventure_.
_Sold. D. (annoyed)._ There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent!
_Sail. D._ Excuse me, it was really quite an accident.
_Sold. D. (savagely)._ Such clumsiness would irritate a saint!
[_Stabs_ Sailor Doll.
_Miss J. and P. (imploringly)._ Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns
us faint!
[_They drop into chairs, swooning._
_The Sailor D._ I'll pay you out for that!
[_Stabs_ Soldier D.
_Sold. D._ Right through you've poked me!
_Sailor D._ So you have _me_!
_Sold. D._ You shouldn't have provoked me!
[_They fall transfixed._
_Sailor D. (faintly)._ Alas, we have been led away by vanity.
Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity!
[_Dies._
_Soldier D._ For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied,
Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted!
[_Dies._ Miss J. _and_ P. _revive, and bend sadly over the corpses_.
_Miss Jenny._ From their untimely end we draw this moral,
How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel!
_Miss Polly._ Yes, JENNY, in the fate of these poor fellows see
What sad results may spring from female jealousy!
[_They embrace penitently as Curtain falls._
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE ROSE-WATER CURE.]
* * * * *