The horses were now ordered: my uncle mounted his old favourite mare,
and I had Geoffry’s strong black nag; and, in a jog-trot style, we
proceeded through the village.
We had not gone above a mile, when, passing through a narrow lane,
we met a gentleman on horseback, in the exact position of an X; that
is to say, his elbows and toes were so horizontally stretched, they
touched the hedges on each side.
“Good-morning, good Sir! How d’ye do? how d’ye do? I’m taking a
little air,” said the gentleman.
“That you’ve a right to, but not to _all_ the road, by the by. Why,
my dear fellow, there’s no room to pass you: you’re as formidable an
object as a broad-wheel waggon. But what’s the matter with you--you
look poorly?” said my uncle.
“Eh! exactly so; I’m extremely asthmatic; I’ve wasted a pound within
this fortnight, owing to profuse and constant perspiration: in short,
Mrs. Dashwell is very asthmatic, and so’s my daughter-in-law and my
nephew; and the _maid’s_ very unwell.”
“What! is _she_ asthmatic too?” asked my uncle, with a suppressed
smile.
“Eh! not exactly so: but, I assure you, Mrs. D---- is very ill; she’s
so _delicate_ a constitution; she has not power to fetch the water to
wash her hands.”
“Indeed!” said my uncle, doubtingly, as he tossed up his chin: “a
good, strong constitution, that can stand wind and weather, is a very
enviable blessing.”
“Exactly so: no woman possessed a better formerly,” answered he.
“But we don’t grow younger and stronger every day,” cried my uncle:
“and, perhaps, she may have made too free with her constitution in
the early part of life; such as the damp _night air_, _high suppers_,
_playhouse heats_ and _colds_, and _so forth_. Those kind of things
all take effect in time.”
The gentleman turned pinkish, set up a hollow cough, tucked his
toes under the saddle to give us room to pass, and, wishing us
good-morning, cantered gently away.
“Your friend has brushed off in a hurry,” said I.
“Yes,” replied my uncle; “he’s a bad digestion, advice sticks in
his stomach, and an explanation of _causes_ and effects always
gives him a certain unexplanatory twinge. He’s a keen tradesman
of the day; boasts his horses, his _half pipe_ of _Madeira_, his
haunch, turbot, and game parties; and longs to sport a shell of
calipash to establish his galas; where the city nobility, alias the
ci-divant _penny-postman’s son_, and the ci-divant _tallow-chandler’s
daughter_, always find an upper seat, amongst many other plebeian
fashionables; and while there’s strength enough in the _gunpowder_
to make a _good report_, and prevent a _flash_ in the _pan_, who
so great, so consequential, while the rags circulate. But you’re
a novice to my hieroglyphics, Victor: you don’t know the world in
masquerade; yet it’s a very necessary science to learn. But here
comes a chaise: you must squeeze your horse close into the hedge, or
there’ll be no room to pass.”
The vehicle now approached, drove by a fat elderly woman; beside
whom were stuck her two full-moon-faced daughters, in plebeian pomp,
dressed in all the gaiety of presbyterian pride. She bowed, and
immediately stopped her horse to facilitate our passing.
“Good-morrow, Ma’am,” said my uncle: “I hope you are going to London
to obtain an act of parliament for _widening_ this road, since you’ve
set up your _chaise_; it’s well enough to bump along in a _cart_; and
where a man’s got his _bread_ dependant, like _your husband_, why,
the width of the road to _interest_ is of little consequence.”
“I assure you, Sir,” answered the fat lady, “I am astonished the
inhabitants don’t rectify such a _nuisance_; I wonder they don’t go
to _law_ with the commissioners of the roads: I’m sure I’d readily
_sign_ the requisition: a set of _confederating_ wretches!”
“Aye; and, if they did not comply, you’d have no objection to lend us
a hand to throw it into _Chancery_! Would you, Madam?”
“Indeed, I would,” replied the lady, whose face flushed crimson. “I
don’t mean to take things as I _have done_. Thank God! we’re out of
_debt_ and out of _danger_.”
“That’s a comfort,” replied my uncle. “There’s nothing like honesty.
I dearly love to see the _bond_ of _generosity_ cancelled by the
stamp of _gratitude_.”
The lady’s countenance changed from a _pink_ to a damask-rose
tincture; and, wishing us “good-morning,” her chaise whirled on with
its _cargo_ of _hypocrisy_.
“And, pray, who is that group, Sir?” asked I.
“Why, it’s Madam Sponge and her two girls, whom the unexpected
windfall of a few thousands has raised from the abyss of poverty to
the comforts of affluence, which their pride and folly will soon
reduce to their former exigence; while the innocent and generous
benefactor, whose unsullied fame they _vainly_ strove to tarnish
with the mildew of their calumniate breath, beholds, with the just
abhorrence of every upright, honest man, the villainous principle of
their corrupt hearts, and treats them with the sovereign contempt of
_Virtue_ trampling on the _scorpions of Vice_, _invulnerable_ to
their _sting_. We shall pass their newly-embellished hovel presently;
and it’s a chance but we have a peep at the master, as well as the
mistress. But let us trot briskly till the road widens, for it’s
very unpleasant meeting carriages; and methinks I hear more wheels
advancing.”
Scarce had we attained the wished-for extent, when a miller’s cart
approached; on the copse of which sat the miller and a farmer; both
of whom bowed civilly, but spoke not; and the cart rattled out of
sight.
“I must again apply to your biographical book of knowledge, Sir,”
said I.
“Why, those two persons are Farmer Strut, and his son, Cloddy the
miller, going home from market. You ought to have made a bow to him,
to grind away all your sins; for, I assure you, he calls himself one
of the _elect_.”
“I don’t comprehend, Sir.”
“That’s a sign you’re not _enlightened_, like Miller Strut. A
methodist preacher turned his brains about seven years ago, and
converted the sinner to the saint; since which, he infected the major
and minor part of his own family with the religious mania; which
contagion spread through great part of the village. The females of
the family were easily persuaded to adopt their brother’s sentiments,
but the elder and younger preferred their own opinion; while their
father, the farmer, prudently considered there were more methods than
one to pursue: he therefore suffered his wife and family to act in
conformity to their feelings; while he rode up weekly to London, to
arrange his _rag-shop_, see what _fish_ was best to fry, make his
observation how the _grasshopper_ jumped, take a peep at the _fat
cattle_ in _Racket-market_, and do a few convenient odd _jobs_--hear
much, say little, _get_ all he could, meet old friends with old
faces, which, for want of walking in his spectacles, he mistook
for _new_ faces; for which reason he sold the _supposed masks_ for
the paltry sum of twenty pounds--the worst day’s-work he ever did;
precluding _all future grist_ to the mill. But Farmer Strut pleased
himself.”
“Silly man!” said I.
“Aye; it is not every gander sees his own interest,” replied my
uncle.