We had not proceeded far before we met the carriage of Lady Lustre,
who would take no denial to our getting in and returning home with
her, which politeness compelled us to do, and in a few minutes we
found ourselves seated in her hospitable mansion, where a salver of
fruit, sandwiches, and negus was placed before us.
The urbanity of her manners, the sensibility of her conversation, the
engaging gentility of her address, all bespoke Lady Lustre the woman
of education; and though now in her grand climacterick, her company
was as fascinating as in the days of her youth; no uncouth county
dialect, no garrulity marked her conversation; she had been bred
in the school of gentility, of which she was still head pupil, and
never was a more agreeable hour than we passed in her society; she
had selected a little museum of natural and Asiatic curiosities, in
which her taste was eminently displayed, and afforded to a lover of
antiquity great amusement; we were also treated with the inspection
of a pearl cabinet, richly ornamented with superb oriental china,
which, with a pair of magnificent globes, a choice library of the
most valuable authors, and collection of pictures from the most
celebrated pencils, with a portfolio of proof engravings, constituted
the amusement of the visitor, and displayed the genuine taste of the
owner.
My uncle observed her Ladyship had made a very short ride.
“I have,” replied she, “but I shall extend it bye and bye, for to say
the truth, I went to call on one of my cottage pensioners, whom I
found in the straw, something downcast at the arrival of two little
strangers instead of one, as she is already the mother of five; and
it is to order some caudle, a few requisites, and some broth for the
children, that I have hastened back; but I shall call again in the
evening, and I hope to find her in better spirits.”
I saw a tear of feeling start in my uncle’s eye, and slipping a
guinea into the hand of Lady Lustre, he entreated she would give it
to the cottager. Her Ladyship seemed highly pleased, and wishing her
good morning, we returned home, as my uncle seemed to feel himself
rather fatigued.
The ceremony of dinner passed over happily for me, without any more
blunders on my part; the conversation of my uncle (whose peevish
humour seemed to relax,) grew more pleasant; and he would I believe
have given me the promised detail of his sorrows, if another visit
from Doctor Tonic had not interrupted him.
“D’ye want a hand at a game of crib?” asked the Doctor popping in his
head, with one eye directed _east_ and the other _west_.
“If you are come to take your crown revenge,” said my uncle, “sit
down, and well accept your challenge.”
“Hem! hem! I’m in a lazy humour to-night, fit for nothing; just
called in at the manor, and egad! nothing would serve the squire but
a fresh bottle of port, which was so prime that somehow the butler
had drawn a second cork before I was aware of it. Sad dog that young
squire! had a design upon me, I do believe. Ecod, Sir, I had great
difficulty to find the park gate, but I’ve been home, taken a few
antidotal drops, and had a sound nap in my elbow chair; and now I’m
just the thing for a chat or a rubber.”
“And if any body meets with an accident, and requires your
assistance?” said my uncle.
“Why then I’m engaged with a _patient_, and my son Bob must
officiate. Hem! hem! Why, if I was to gallop after every patient’s
whims, I might ride twenty miles after a cut finger or a chilblain.
No, no, always send Bob to the fanciful squad. How d’ye think now I
was served the night before last? A servant rapped at the door about
eleven o’clock, just as we had retired to rest, and requested my
immediate attendance on his mistress Lady Flam, up at the Grove,
about a mile and half off.
“Much vexed at being disturbed, and my son Bob having had a hard
day’s fatigue, I enquired what was her Ladyship’s complaint. He
replied, “he did not know; but I must follow him immediately, and if
I pleased, take his horse instead of waiting for my own.”
Thinking the exigence was great, and Lady Flam being one of my best
patients, (though by the bye a d--d whimsical one,) I hastily huddled
on my clothes, and jumping on the servant’s horse, left him to walk
back, and gallopped off at full speed. Well, Sir, the door flew open,
and Lady Flam met me in the hall, dissolved in tears.
“My good lady,” cried I, “what’s the matter?”
“Oh, Doctor, I’m sorry to give you so much trouble, but knowing your
skill and humanity, do look at my poor dear little Sylvio, (the pug
dog) who has been in fits these two hours, and prescribe something to
restore him.”
“And is _that all_ your grievance, Madam?” replied I, bursting with
passion; “God bless my heart, I’m no dog doctor; throw a bason of
water over him, by all means.”
“Not for the world!” says her ladyship; “it would give the dear
creature his death with cold.”
“Not more so, Madam, than calling a Christian from a warm bed into
the damp midnight air; but really, Madam, as I never studied canine
maladies, it is out of my power to prescribe; my rest is very
essential to me, and if you will leave the dog to nature, you’ll find
her an abler physician than I am. I wish your ladyship good night,
and request you’ll let your servant fetch back the horse in the
morning.”
“Good God! how cruel! how inhuman! I could not have believed it;”
exclaimed her ladyship, as I closed the door; and when the servant
came to fetch the horse back, he informed me the dog was dead, and
his Lady desired I would make out my account, and send it in. There’s
a pretty job; I must have a consultation with her to-morrow morning;
it won’t do to lose a patient through the casualties of a d--d pug
dog.
“I wonder you hadn’t contrived to make a _customer_ of the animal,”
replied my uncle laughingly.
“Oh, curse the dog! I saw he was dying, or else I would have sent in
a few bottles to repay my trouble. Egad, if she cuts with me, I shall
repeat the story to everybody, to exonerate my credit; and, depend
upon it, I’ll christen her Lady _Fitz-Pug_! Ha, ha, ha! that’s no bad
one! Is it, Mr. Victor? Yes, I will, I will, by G--d!”
“Have a care, Doctor,” said my uncle; “the women a’n’t to be duped
at all times; it is not every one that submits to calumny and insult
with impunity; a fair reputation and a clear conscience is a fortune
to any man, and the most essential passport of life.”
“Hem, hem!” cried the Doctor, who did not seem to relish my uncle’s
bolus so well as his own _Album Græcums_; “we have all our faults, to
be sure.”
“True,” replied my uncle; “but how often do we acknowledge or amend
them? The beam and the mote, Doctor, hey!”
“Have you heard,” continued the Doctor, “of the new inmate Dr.
Markwell expects to-morrow? Why, I understand she’s the most
beautiful, accomplished girl, that ever was seen; and as for weight,
there’s no want of metal, I’m told: should not care if I’d got a few
more sons to strike up to such a prize: sense, beauty, and money;
three phœnixes, by God! What say you, Mr. Victor?”