Imagine a man of the middling stature, a complexion truly Egyptian,
embellished by _two_ black eyes, not a pair, for one was constantly
screwed up like an old woman’s money box, in consequence of a defect
in the sight; a pair of enormous black bushy eye-brows, and a mouth
wide enough to have swallowed his own pestle and mortar; though,
in fact, beside _eating_, its chief employment was to retail all
the news of the village, which the Doctor collected and disbursed
wholesale; a black coat striped waistcoat, brown inexpressibles and
boots, subjoined to a snug brown bob wig, and a _cocked_ hat, which
tending to add _fierceness_ to _ugliness_, completed his figure.
A violent hem! hem! (loud enough to have raised instant annihilation
to a nervous patient) and a profound bow added to half a dozen
_swaggering professional steps_, brought him to my uncle’s side.
“How d’ye do, Sir? How d’ye do to-day?”
And down he sat _sniffing_ his nose, _snapping_ his eyes, and
_distorting_ his features with a variety of _nervous catches_ and
gestures, during which operation he had fixed his eye intently on me,
which my uncle observing, said:
“That’s my nephew Victor, just arrived from London, to spend some
time with me.”
The Doctor bowed. “How d’ye do, Mr. Victor? I thought I discerned
a family likeness, I declare; I shall be glad to see you with your
respected uncle, to take a bit of mutton at my house. Mrs. Tonic and
my family will be happy in the acquisition of your company, and if
you are fond of music, my daughter Elizetta can give you a treat.”
“Pish!” cried my uncle, and fidgetted upon his chair, while I assured
the Doctor I would do myself the pleasure of waiting on him.
“You won’t repent, I dare say,” replied the Doctor, “my daughters are
devilish nice clever girls; hem! hem! e’ent they, Sir?” addressing my
uncle, who, instead of replying, set up a ptisicky cough.
The Doctor’s glove was off in a moment, and his Mulatta fingers
(decked with five mourning rings, which he constantly wore as badges
of respect, sacred to the merits of his profession) were applied to
the vibration of my uncle’s pulse.
“Why, you’ll live to be ninety, squire; your pulse possesses the
vigour of youth; but pray take your cough linctus; I’ll send you
another pot.”
“I won’t touch it, by G--d; I can’t bear the sight of it. Don’t
I always tell you, Doctor Tonic, you and I should be much better
friends, if you would not bore me to death with your medicine. Physic
the whole parish, and welcome; but you nor any man alive shall physic
me. Nature gave me the cough, and nature’s like to take it away.”
“Well, well; hem! hem! every man in his humour,” answered the Doctor;
“I only spoke for your relief,” and his cheek assumed a brickdust
tinge.
“Why don’t you prescribe your self a glass of Madeira?” said my
uncle; “fill the Doctor a bumper, nephew.”
I obeyed; the Doctor cocked his _game_ eye at it; clicked his tongue,
nodded his approbation, sipped again, and then finished it in a slow
gulph.
“Capital! capital! the best wine I’ve tasted a long time. Hem! hem!
had some tolerably fair though at the young fox-hunter’s t’other day;
egad! Sir, we finished fifteen bottles among seven of us. Hem! hem!
pretty fair dose; had a d--d head-ache next morning; took a little
hiera picra; got myself all alive again; tough, Sir, tough;” and the
Doctor began to unbutton his coat, and swell a little. “Wasn’t a
partaker of the sports of the field, because I was engaged attending
Lady Faddle’s whitlow; but I do assure you I made up for it over
the haunch; fat three inches deep, upon my soul, and every mouthful
flavoured by a glass of claret; and if, by the bye, we should ever be
fortunate enough to have a _heir_ in the family, the squire swears
he’ll dress a turtle on the occasion, and have the boy _christened_
in the _shell_ afterwards. Hah! hah! hah.”
“Come, come, to order, Doctor,” said my uncle; “don’t laugh so loud;
I ee’nt in the humour to laugh; help yourself to another glass.”
The Doctor didn’t want twice asking, but tossed down another bumper;
then turning to my uncle, and applying his mouth close to his ear,
he in an audible whisper exclaimed, “Have you heard Miss P----’s
adventure with the young officer?”
“Not I;” answered my uncle peevishly; “I never attend to any body’s
adventures but my own, and that’s quite enough for any man, I’m
sure.”
“Nay, but my good Sir,” resumed the Doctor, “a man cannot stop his
ears.”
“But perhaps you could for him,” interrupted my uncle; “for I’m sure
if you roar as loud to every body as you do to me, you’re enough to
stun a whole parish.”
“Well, well; hem! hem! I’ll modulate my tone,” continued the Doctor,
“for I must tell you the news; of course, you know there was a ball
last night at the Dolphin?” My uncle nodded.
“Well, Sir, Miss P---- was there in her usual style of flirtation,
and egad! picked up a young officer of dragoons, who happened to be
a sojourner at the Dolphin, and danced with him the whole evening;
lost her shoe, fainted away in his arms twice (for the pleasure of
being restored by his caresses, as every body allowed,) and in short,
rendered herself extremely ridiculous. Well, Sir, but how did it
finish?”
“Why how the d----l should I know?” exclaimed my uncle.
“Then, Sir, I’ll just explain. When the ball broke up, it happened
to be four o’clock in the morning, and of course, the captain could
do no less than see his fair partner safe home; he had tied his fine
cambric handkerchief over her head to prevent cold, and just as they
reached her father’s door, before they rapped; observe you, before
they attempted to lift the rapper; Sir, my gardener unexpectedly
crossing an opposite style, espied the Captain in the very act of
----” Here the Doctor was seized with a sudden tickling in the
œsophagus; from what cause I could not define.
“Why, the story seems to choak you, Doctor,” said my uncle
sarcastically; “you had better not explain any farther clap a
plaister over the sore part.”
“There happens to be no sore part in the case,” replied the Doctor;
“but as I was observing, the Captain was in the act of----.”
Again the tickling strangled the remainder of the sentence, which
so provoked my uncle, whose patience and credibility were alike
exhausted, that he petulantly exclaimed:
“D---- the act, as you call it, and the cough too; why don’t you take
some of your specific linctus you recommended me just now?”
Poor Doctor Tonic, after hem! hem! hemming a score times, (every
volley of which acted as an electric shock on my uncle’s nerves,)
thus continued, much to the gratification of my curiosity, to know
what _act_ the Captain and Miss P---- were engaged in, that could
excite the Doctor’s attention, and so eager repetition, as caused
him to choak before he could explain it. “Sir,” resumed the Doctor,
“the action I mean to explain was a _liberty_; yes, Sir, a daring
open liberty by broad day-light; the very sun shone upon them at the
moment.”
“What moment?” said my uncle, staring aghast.
“Why, at the very moment, he was kissing her hand, after drawing off
her glove, which my gardener positively saw him put into his pocket.
There now, what d’ye think of that? what do you think of that? hey!
squire, hey?”
“Wheugh!” cried my uncle, setting up a whistle of derision, “if
that’s the summum-bonum of the story, I am clearly of opinion it’s
one of your _village fudges_; you’ll excuse me; but in the first
place, I never _believe_ what I _hear_, and always _doubt_ what I
_see_.”
“Hem! hem! that’s being incredulous with a vengeance,” retorted the
Doctor, piqued at the disbelief of his captious auditor; “however,
what I have asserted is fact; my Daniel can prove it. I had it from
him.”
“Then give it him back,” said my uncle, “and, hark ye me! tell him
he’s an old fool to gabble about a pack of boys and girls; if he’d
been digging in your garden, he’d have been much better employed.
Now, I warrant you have spread this pretty tale as thick as you would
the cantharides on a blister. I’ll be bound every child in the parish
knows it; and so, between physic and scandal, you continue to pick a
living, by picking others. Don’t be so professional; don’t _probe_
too close; you understand me.”
The Doctor looked confused, and my uncle poured him out another
glass, and in half an hour the bottle was finished.
By this time the Doctor’s best eye began to twinkle like a _star_ of
a _wet night_, and after the ceremony of tea handed round by Geoffry,
my uncle proposed his favourite game of three-handed cribbage, and
down we sat, where the poor Doctor was completely eased of carrying
home the weight of a crown piece, which not a little irritated his
temper, and a light supper and a bowl of punch sent him reeling home
at midnight under the protection of Geoffry.
“Now, if he should meet Miss P---- and the Captain,” said my uncle,
“he won’t discern any liberties, I’ll be bound for him, a foolish
old dolt. The man has his virtues, I don’t dispute, and he has his
vices; in short, he is a complete _country apothecary_, who knows
every thing, and makes much ado about nothing; but you shall accept
his invitation, and be introduced to his family; you know what he has
said of his daughters;” and my uncle smiled for the first time I had
seen his muscles inclined to relax.
“And what do you say of them?” said I.
“I say nothing; I leave every one to judge for themselves,” replied
my uncle; “but come, the hour is late; the female servants are gone
to rest, and as soon as Geoffry returns, I will shew you your bed
room; for you must know I see all the candles out before I retire;
but you shall have my light to undress by, and then I’ll fetch it
away myself.”
Geoffry now returned, and after the usual ceremony of fastening the
hall door, wished his master good night, and decamped to bed.
My uncle now began his usual round of inspecting every room in the
house, to see no particle of fire remained alight, and I was deputed
to carry the two candles, (one lighted and the other unlighted,) and
stood centinel outside every door, that, as Paddy says, he might have
a _clear view_ in the dark.
We had examined six apartments in this style, when most
unfortunately, in shutting the door of the drawing room, the wind
extinguished the candle, and left us as motionless as two Egyptian
mummies.
My uncle vociferated a volley of execrations, while I proposed
calling the servant to strike a light; but my uncle peremptorily
refused, and said they were all snoring long ago, and should not be
disturbed.
“Keep to the right hand, and take hold of my arm,” continued my
uncle; “we must find our way up as well as we can; I’ll conduct you
to your chamber, and you must tumble into bed, and thank yourself
only for the inconvenience you have suffered.”
“Do let me call Geoffry, Sir?”
“No, Sir, I tell you once more you shall _not_ call Geoffry; so come
along.”
“But suppose you should fall, Sir,” continued I.
“Why, then you must pick me up again. Why suppose things that may
never happen? None but fools ever trouble themselves to _suppose_; a
wise man scorns an idea so incongruous to reason.”
By this time we had groped our way to the hall clock, the exact
contrary direction to what we ought to have taken.
“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle, “we’re all wrong; we must face about to
the left. I’ve hit my elbow a confounded blow.”
“I was afraid you would, Sir,” replied I; “I’d give a guinea for a
light. I hope you haven’t hurt yourself.”
“What if I have?” answered my uncle snappishly; “you’re the cause of
it.”
Thus squabbling, stumbling, and poking about, at length my uncle
found the door of my chamber, and with outstretched hands twirling in
pugilistic attitudes, we caught hold of the bed curtain.
“We’re landed at last,” cried my uncle, “and you must now shift for
yourself. My room joins this; therefore, we are now safe; scramble
into bed as well as you can, and I’ll do the same.”
A reciprocal “good night,” “good night,” ended our dark perplexity,
and glad was I the day had finished, and put an end to my troubles.