The next morning Akar rose early, and in the darkness of first morning,
stood above the sleeping form of his mistress. Her soft breathing, the
smell of her..... He would not have believed he could feel so much.
And as the light grew slowly, calling him away, still he remained there,
wistful and sad, wishing only there was some way to tell her. At last
she stirred, reaching out for him in a troubled dream. Not finding him
she sat up quickly, fearing he had already gone.
She saw him, and sank back into herself. She began to cry, feeling
their imminent parting as only a woman can. She covered her eyes,
ashamed of her weakness and unable to face him.
This was too much for him. Knowing no other gesture, no longer caring
if he betrayed himself by emotion, the wolf pushed at the arm with his
snout, and as she lowered it in surprise, nestled his forehead against
her. She said his name, embracing him and pouring out her heart. All
the pain of this new world, all the loneliness and fear, found outlet
and meaning in his love, which now she clearly felt.
And at length as she released him, she felt drained but no longer empty
and wounded. A breach had been mended in her soul by his sudden
expression of warmth, and though Akar might have said it differently, he
felt much the same. Stepping back, he gestured toward Kalus'
sleeping place, then reluctantly, toward the door. Understanding, she
got up and ascended the steps of the dais, pulling aside the patchwork
of furs and waking the man-child.
He was not asleep, nor had been for some time. But he played the part
assigned to him, feigning ignorance of what had stirred him to the root.
'Akar has to leave,' she said quietly. 'He wanted to say
goodbye.'
Kalus stepped out from the low shelter and went to bid farewell to his
friend. He went down on one knee before him, and looked into his eyes.
There was no need for words between them. Both had given life to the
other, and would do so again. No debt was owed or felt, only the bond
of true allies, and their common love for the woman-child, which no
words could express. Still, Kalus felt moved to make some sign. He
reached over and touched her throat, then said with his hands:
'With my life.' Understanding, the wolf simply lowered his head in
acknowledgment. Then he gestured toward the door.
'I guess he really has to go,' said Sylviana. Again she embraced
and caressed him, so reluctant now to let go. Then straightened
resolutely and went to the door. She opened it herself, and without
further ceremony he went out into the Wild, leaving a stream of memories
behind him.
The young man and woman remained silent in the doorway, watching him
disappear slowly into a mist of half-lit snow, lost in thought. Because
they realized that a page had been turned in their lives, just as one
day their lives would end and the book continue. And feeling this to
its depths, all veils torn aside, they knew what it was to be human.
Sylviana recalled the poignant line from the Shakespeare sonnet:
'To love that which you fear to lose.'
Then their thoughts once more focused on each other.
*
'You're not going to try to hunt today?' Kalus had begun to
dress heavily, and even now wrapped the sword-belt around him. Though
his eyes were determined, as they had been on the day of Kamela's
death, there was something in his manner that was not at all the same.
He was less tense, and his breathing more regular. Small comfort that
it was. 'You're in no condition.'
'No, but I've been thinking. Last winter I tried setting traps,
different kinds for different animals. They do not bring in large game,
but are more..... I don't know how to say it. Less aggressive and
dangerous. And with the reserves almost gone, we must live one day at a
time. I do not like living without some cushion, no matter how small,
especially when it is not my life alone I have to think of. But I have
done it before, and never failed utterly. Fear and despair are my
enemies now.'
'It's good to hear you say that, Kalus, it really is. There's
only one thing wrong with that whole line of reasoning.'
'What's that?'
'Don't misunderstand me. I feel for the tiger, too, and I want
him to survive. But how can you possibly feed him and us too? He must
eat more than the three of us put together. Akar was right in that, at
least.'
'I don't misunderstand, but there is something I haven't told
you. I think Akar knew it also. It is part of the reason he left when
he did. Two males, natural competitors---there would have been friction
between them.'
'You've lost me.'
'Well. It is true that the first and deepest thing I feel for the
tiger is compassion. But if that was all I felt, I would not take him
among us. Love cannot exist without survival.'
'Then why?'
'I take a small chance in feeding him, and treating his wounds. You
have seen that I make it a point to feed him myself. I am not being
entirely unselfish. I know something of the ways of his kind.'
'Go on.'
'You see, they do not live in packs like the wolves, or with their
mates like the saber-toothed cats. But they are not completely alone,
either. They coexist, if that is the right word, and keep loose contact
with others of their kind.'
'Yes,' said Sylviana, beginning to understand. 'I remember
something about that from zoology. They're a much more social animal
than was first believed.' He nodded, though the words were unknown to
him.
'So you see, since this one is still young, and has lost touch with
his kindred---or he would not have come so far to the east---it is not
impossible that since I shared my meat with him, he would do the same
for me. He would not bring it here, any more than one tiger would take
its kill to another. But if another comes on the scene, they are
willing to share. And Sylviana, never have you seen such a Wintertime
hunter.'
Once more she began to feel a quiet respect for his experience, and
knowledge of his world.
'But how long before he's able to hunt?'
'He is young and strong, and unless I misread him, very determined.
There are no broken bones. Perhaps ten days, perhaps twenty. In any
case, you see that I cannot let him die.'
'Yes.' She squeezed his arm, seeing that he was about to
go. 'Be careful.'
'Yes. I will take the wolf. It is time she learned of the world
beyond these walls.'
It felt strange to her to hear him speak of the pup as a wolf. She
herself called it Alaska, and he had always before used pseudonyms such
as cub' or pup'. But looking at her now, standing and
watching them quizzically, she saw that the slight creature Kamela had
brought them, was indeed a babe no longer. Her limbs had begun to grow
long, ahead of the body, and her gaze, though still childish, was
growing keener and more aware. And she remembered that this was in fact
a wolf, and not a dog.
'When you come back, will you tell me why Akar didn't take her
with him? If you know. I have an idea, but I'd like to know what
you think.'
'When I return, I will be glad to speak of it.' He became suddenly
shy. 'And to be with you.' He went to the door, called to the
cub, and went out. Sylviana closed the door behind them.
His thoughts being thus absorbed, Kalus did not realize until he reached
the end of the ledge and saw the broad, irregular tracks leading
downward, that the tiger was gone. At first this upset him, both for
his sake and its own. But as he entered the ravine and began to
mentally prepare for the lands beyond, he had no choice but to let it
go. It was beyond his control.
'So be it.' But this did not keep him from noting that its tracks
went southward down the gorge, and that if they rose again to left or
right, it was beyond the edge of his sight.
The cub stayed close to him instinctively, and they made their way first
up the steep slope, then out across the rolling white and camel-hair
lands.
*
Kalus returned to the gorge as the sky grew dark and ominous. There was
no sign of the tiger, and his own time in the cold had been devoured.
He shivered and coughed in the growing wind, and the voices of caution
would not be gainsaid. The rules of this new affliction he had learned
the hard way. The rules of the Cold World he knew by heart. And as he
lingered a moment, straining his senses for any sight or sound, even the
cub seemed anxious, looking about it and at the threatening sky.
'All right,' he said gruffly, as much to the nameless as to
anyone. 'Chase me back into my hole again. Tomorrow I'll be
back.' He gained the ledge, and the doorway beyond.
Sylviana greeted him with an embrace that surprised him. He had not
expected it, for one thing, and had forgotten how much this simple
contact was worth. And he remembered too, for all the day's
frustrations, his deep affection for her. If only he could bring them
all to some safe place.....
'Are you well?' he asked her.
'Well enough, now. I don't like the look of that sky, though, or
the sudden drop in temperature. I'm worried about Akar.'
'And I for the tiger. He's gone off, you know.'
'Yes. I'm sorry.'
He shrugged his shoulders unconvincingly. 'There's nothing I can
do about it now. I couldn't make him a prisoner.'
He took off his warm wrappings, refitted the one-piece garment, then sat
down on the steps of the altar and began sharpening his sword. But all
at once he cast away the whet-stone, a hard and bitter edge on all his
features.
'It's not fair,' he said. 'I wanted him to live..... I
wanted him to be my friend.'
Sylviana studied him wordlessly, touched and taken back, as ever, by the
power of his primal emotions. And when he looked up at her, she saw
again the restless and hungry expression that so haunted her. She
turned away, drawn to him as on a chain, yet afraid. Why did he move
her so?
'I didn't want to lose Akar, either. Sometimes if you love
someone, you have to let them go.' Now it was she who was
unconvincing. And all at once, he wanted her.
Kalus rose, all his sorrows and reawakened desires now focused with
total singularity upon the object, the living being of his love. He
moved closer, and took her by the shoulders, and turned her towards him.
There was nothing else in all the world.
'I want to make love to you.'
He kissed her, and stripped away the barriers between them, and touched
her with the roots of his being, overflowing like a well-spring upon the
earth. She had not the strength to resist him, and soon lost all desire
to do so. He led her to his bed, and together they breathed deeper air
than they had for many days.
*
Later that night, as they slept side by side, Kalus dreamed that he rode
across a vast expanse on the back of a great horse, its silver mane
flying in the wind of its speed. Then as the sun set the land became
dark and he walked alone, till in the dense and shadowed underbrush
there was a rustle of movement, and a great cat called his name.
And waking, he heard the sound again. He pulled aside the patchwork of
furs and moved across the room, afraid the sound would fade into
unreality. He threw a log quickly on the dying fire, and went to the
door. And opened it.
The snow tiger stood before him, a fierce storm howling all around
it. Leg bleeding and weak from hunger, it remained motionless. But
still it stood, and wanted to come in.
'What is it?' asked his lover, peering out from the canopy of
stone.
'A miracle,' he pronounced, blinded by the water in his eyes and
in his heart. 'The tiger has come back.' It lumbered in woozily,
and he closed the door behind it.