That night the two slept together for the first time since word of
Skither's fall. Kalus had no strength even to touch, and was moved
not at all by his lover's gentle caresses and quiet words, nor even
by the tears he wiped apologetically from her eyes as she said, 'I
understand.' From this more than any other token, he knew that the
blows absorbed of a lifetime had finally taken their toll. He was like
a hurt fighter, hanging on, half waiting for the knockout blow.
He woke feeling little bitter, his emotions still dazed and floundering,
to find the girl reading quietly on the stairs that led to the silent
altar. The sight reminded him of their first meeting, when he had
nearly died a physical death. Perhaps this dull anguish was not as
bad.....
Then he saw Kamela, and his hopelessness returned. It was almost as if
she longed for death, in any form. There was no other way to read the
blank despair of her eyes. Akar rested stoically beside the girl, his
own thoughts hidden from view. Only the pup was stirring, poking
impatiently at her mother's underside and whining plaintively for
food. None had eaten meat for several days, and the she-wolf's
undamaged breasts were dry.
Sylviana rose and came closer, gently brushing his hair with her
fingers. 'I have to hunt,' he said flatly. Then suddenly as she
turned away he pulled her close and buried his head against her.
'Forgive me,' he said. And with those words a flicker of feeling
came back to him.
'It's all right,' she said. 'Let it out.' But he could
not let it out. His body would not allow the expenditure. '... When
do you have to hunt?'
'In the afternoon, when the sun is warmer and I am stronger. I feel
so weak.' He shook his head to fight off a tear of exhaustion.
'Is there any water left?' She brought it, along with a
half-filled bowl of sebreum. He ate readily, though his body cried out
for meat.
She sat beside him on the bed, speaking softly and brushing out his
hair. It did not matter what she said. Her voice was like music, and
her nearness and touch a therapy no money could buy. And like a sleeper
woken by a lover's kiss, he began to respond. His body was still
very weak, but Kalus was a creature whose heart held the key to all
survival.
And he began to remember that he was, in fact, a survivor. The fiery
vigor of his soul spoke words of endurance and starting again. In the
middle of a sentence he reached over and kissed her with his lips, teeth
and tongue, and half playfully, half longingly, bit her cheek.
As he drew back, knowing he had not the strength, he was struck by the
look she gave him, her face so close. And he was jarred to his very
bones by the realization. . .that she wanted him. WANTED him.
All his life, the best he had hoped for was a companion who would
tolerate him, and be grateful for his strength and affection. But in
Sylviana's eyes there was a longing as deep and real as his. Perhaps
she even loved. . .HIM. In his current state it was almost too much,
and he became afraid. Again, through the wild hopes she inspired in
him, he felt the fear of losing her, or of being killed himself. His
face could not hide the intensity of what he was feeling.
'What is it?' she asked. 'What's wrong?'
'I don't know. I..... You know that I am weak now. Is that all
right?'
She took his head to her chest in an outpouring of emotion as primal as
any she had ever known. 'Yes. It's all right.' And in that
moment of honesty and total surrender, she did love him. But she too
backed away, because they were not yet in a place to feel love all the
way. She cleared her eyes, breathed in and stood up straight.
'Right now you're going to eat again, and I don't want to hear
about rationing. You've been putting out for weeks, and it's time
you took something back in. Then you're going to lie down and rest.
Understood?' He nodded, and touched her hair. Then she took his bowl
and went into the back.
He too felt the need to surrender, and to trust, as Skither had told
him. He remembered his words. 'Do not carry the weight alone. It
will crush you.' Yes, he felt nearly crushed. Whatever end would
come of it, this day at least he must let go.
So when he had eaten he lay down on the bed, and asked Sylviana to sit
beside him. She did, and to pass the time he asked her a question
suggested to him by the altar, the dulled mirror, and the memory of his
first days in that place.
'How did you come to befriend Akar? I've often wondered.'
'You're not asking just to make me feel better?'
'No, truly.'
She was more than willing to recount the one glad memory of her long
vigil, alone in a strange land with danger and confusion all around.
'Well. To say that I was distraught those first few weeks..... Try
to understand. The first thing I saw when I finally mustered the
courage to go out onto the ledge, was some kind of big cat dragging down
a horse at the very edge of the ravine. I got so scared I didn't
know what to do. The cave seemed little enough protection, but at least
there I could hide. I know you must have thought me a coward.'
'No, you were wise. And the big cat did you a favor.' There was
no sarcasm in his voice.
'Anyway. Once I figured out that sebreum was something I could eat,
as much as I cursed myself for it, I just couldn't make myself go out
into that world. Then there was the Voice, telling me to stay there,
and wait for some kind of sign.
'I was alone and scared and miserable. That anything at all could
walk through the open entrance and tear me apart was obvious, and it
really started getting to me. The few animals I saw when I stood just
inside it seemed reluctant to venture too close, but that wasn't much
comfort. And of course I had no idea why.
'But one night, just as the sun was setting, I caught a glimpse of
something slip down into the ravine from the far side, which had always
before been the line they wouldn't cross. I hoped my eyes were
playing tricks on me, and I didn't see or hear anything else for a
while. But some kind of other sense told me I was in danger, and that
whatever it was I had seen was coming closer. I got so scared I ran to
the bed and hid beneath the furs, as if that was any protection, and
found myself shaking like a leaf.
'I couldn't just lie there, and when I realized how stupid and
helpless I was being, I got angry. So I decided to go into the back and
dig out some kind of weapon. It may have been my one real moment of
courage.'
'There have been others,' he said quietly. She turned towards
him, and wondered why these simple words meant so much. 'Go on.'
'All right. I went into the back and found the hunting knife. I was
so determined and angry that for about thirty seconds I forgot to be
afraid. It was a wonderful, defiant feeling.'
'Yes.'
'Unfortunately it didn't last. I walked back into the front to
find a big, gaunt wolf staring me down, bristling and snarling. It was
Akar, but he didn't look at all the way he does now. His ribs
practically stuck through his skin with hunger. His side was gashed and
caked with mud and dried blood..... It was horrible.
'I screamed and practically threw the knife across the floor. I just
couldn't take it. I dropped to my knees, shaking and crying like a
mad thing. I fell forward on my arms and just lay there, covering my
head..... I thought my life was over. But Akar never moved.' She
gazed across at her first companion, eyes glistening.
'Do you know what it's like to expect death and find friendship?
He was hurt, Kalus, badly. And half starved, I'm sure. He could
have killed me so easily, to save himself..... I looked up after maybe
five minutes, to find him just watching me, with all the hatred gone out
of his eyes. He came closer and I thought I would scream again, but he
stopped.
'The rest doesn't need to be said, I guess. But you have to know,
I've never been so moved in all my life as when he finally came up to
me, and I realized he meant no harm. Just to have a friend, to hold and
touch, after all that fear. To not be alone anymore. You can't know
how much that meant to me.' She lowered her head and cried silently,
and Kalus found to his dismay that a tear had escaped his eyes as well.
'I know,' he said. 'That is how I felt when Barabbas saved
me.' He wanted to say that she would never be alone again, but he
couldn't.