EVENTFUL JOURNEY.
Once more I had the good fortune to obtain a passage across the river in
a ferry-boat, and was soon pressing onward upon the other side. Passing
through two places called St. Mary's and St. John's, I followed the
railroad to a village which I was informed was called Stotsville,
[Footnote: I beg leave once more to remind the reader that it is by
no means certain that I give these names correctly. Hearing them
pronounced, with no idea of ever referring to them again, it is not
strange that mistakes of this kind should occur.] a great part of the
property being owned by a Mr. Stots, to whom I was at once directed.
Here I stopped, and was kindly received by the gentleman and his wife.
They offered me refreshments, gave me some articles of clothing, and
then he carried me twelve miles, and left me at Rouse's Point, to take
the cars for Albany. He gave me six dollars to pay my expenses, and a
letter of introduction to a gentleman by the name of Williams, in which
he stated all the facts he knew concerning me, and commended me to his
care for protection. I think he said Mr. Williams lived on North
Pearl street, but I may be mistaken in this and also in some other
particulars. As I had no thought of relating these facts at the time of
their occurrence, I did not fix them in my mind as I otherwise should
have done.
Mr. Stots said that if I could not find the gentleman to whom the letter
was directed, I was to take it to the city authorities, and they would
protect me. As he assisted me from the carriage he said, "You will stop
here until the cars come along, and you must get your own ticket. I
shall not notice you again, and I do not wish you to speak to me." I
entered the depot intending to follow his directions; but when I found
the cars would not come along for three hours, I did not dare to stay.
There was quite a large collection of people there, and I feared that
some one would suspect and stop me. I therefore resolved to follow the
railroad, and walk on to the next station. On my way I passed over a
railroad bridge, which I should think was two miles long. The wind blew
very hard at the time, and I found it exceedingly difficult to walk
upon the narrow timbers. More than once I came near losing my precarious
footing, and I was in constant fear that the train would overtake me
before I got over. In that case I had resolved to step outside the track
where I thought I could stand upon the edge of the bridge and hold on
by the telegraph poles, and thus let them pass without doing me injury.
Happily, however, I was not compelled to resort to this perilous
expedient, but passed the bridge in safety. At the end I found another
nearly as long, connected with it by a drawbridge. When I drew near it
was up for a boat to pass; but a man called to me, and asked if I
wish to go over. I told him I did, and he let down the bridge. As I
approached him he asked, "Are you mad? or how came you here?" I told
him I had walked from the depot at Rouse's Point. He appeared greatly
surprised, and said, "You are the first person who ever walked over
that bridge. Will you come to my house and rest awhile? You must be very
weary, and my wife will be glad to see you. She is rather lonely
here, and is pleased to see any one. Will you come? 'Tis only a short
distance, just down under the bridge." Those last words decided me. I
thanked him, but firmly refused to go one step out of my way. I thought
that he wished to deceive me, perhaps take me to some out-of-the-way
place, and give me up to my pursuers. At all events, it was wise not to
trust him, for I was sure there was no house near the bridge, certainly
not under it. I have since learned that such is the fact. As I turned to
leave him, he again urged me to stop, and said, "The cars will soon be
along, and they will run over you. How do you expect to get out of their
way?" I told him I would risk it, and left him. I passed on in safety,
and soon came to the depot, where I took the evening train for Albany.
At eight the same evening I left the cars, and walked on towards Troy,
which I think was four miles distant. Here I met a lad, of whom I
inquired the way to Albany. "You cannot get there to-night," said he,
"and I advise you not to try." When he saw that I was determined to go
on, he said I would pass a tavern called the half-way house, and if I
was tired I could stop there. It was about eleven o'clock when I passed
this house, There were several persons on the piazza, laughing, talking,
and singing, who called me as I passed, shouted after me, and bade me
stop. Exceedingly frightened, I ran with all possible speed, but they
continued to call after me till I was out of hearing. Seeing a light
at a house near by, I ventured to rap on the door. It was opened by a
woman, who asked me to walk in. I inquired the distance to Albany. She
informed me, but said, "You can't go there to-night." I told her I must,
"Well," said she, "if you will go, the watch will take care of you when
you get there." She then asked, "Were those men calling after you?" I
told her I supposed they were, when she replied, with a peculiar smile,
"I guess you can't be a very nice kind of girl, or you wouldn't be on
the street this time of night." My feelings were so deeply wounded I
could hardly restrain my tears at this cruel insinuation; but pride came
to my aid, and, choking down the rising emotion, I replied as carelessly
as possible, "I must do as I can, and not as I would."
It was about one o'clock at night when I entered the principal street in
Albany, and, as the lady predicted, a watchman came to me and asked why
I was out that time of night. I gave him Mr. Stot's letter. He stood
beside a lamp-post and read it, when he seemed satisfied, and said, "I
know the man; come with me and I'll take you to his house." I followed
him a long way, till at last he stopped before a large house, and rang
the bell. Mr. Williams came to the door, and asked what was wanted. The
watchman gave him the letter. He read it, and invited me to stop. His
wife got up, received me very kindly, and gave me some supper, for
which I was truly grateful. Nor was I less thankful for the delicate
consideration with which they avoided any allusion to my convent life,
or my subsequent flight and suffering. Mrs. Williams saw that I was sad
and weary, and as she conducted me to a comfortable bed, she remarked,
"You are safe at last, and I am glad of it. You can now retire without
the apprehension of danger, and sleep in perfect security. You are with
friends who will protect you as long as you choose to remain with us."
Notwithstanding the good lady's assurance of safety, I found it
impossible to close my eyes. I was among strangers, in a strange place,
and, having been so often deceived, might I not be again? Perhaps, after
all their pretended kindness, they were plotting to betray me. A few
days, however, convinced me that I had at last found real friends, who
would protect me in the hour of danger to the utmost of their ability.
I remained here some four weeks, and should have remained longer, but an
incident transpired that awakened all my fears, and again sent me forth
into the wide world, a fugitive, and a wanderer. I went to my chamber
one night, when I heard a sound like the full, heavy respiration of a
man in deep sleep. The sound appeared to come from under the bed, but
stopped as I entered the room. I was very much alarmed, but I controlled
my feelings, and instead of running shrieking from the room, I
deliberately closed the blinds, shut the windows, adjusted the curtain,
all the time carelessly humming a tune, and taking up my lamp I
slowly left the room. Once outside the door, I ran in all haste to Mr.
Williams, and told him what I had heard. He laughed at me, said it was
all imagination, but, to quiet my fears, he went to my room resolved
to convince me that no one was there. I followed, and stood at the door
while he lifted the bed valance, when a large, tall man sprang forth,
and caught him with one hand while with the other he drew a pistol
from beneath his coat saying, "Let me go, and I'll depart in peace; but
attempt to detain me, and I'll blow your brains out." I shrieked, and
Mrs. Williams came in great terror and consternation, to see what was
the matter. But she could render no assistance, and Mr. Williams, being
unarmed, was obliged to let him go. The watch were immediately called,
and they sought for the intruder in every direction. No effort was
spared to find him, that we might, at least, learn the object of
this untimely visit. But the search was all in vain. No trace of his
whereabouts could be discovered.
Mr. Williams said he did not believe it was me he sought. He thought the
object was robbery, and perhaps arson and murder, but he would not
think that I was in the least danger. "The man," he said, "in hastily
concealing himself had taken the first hiding place he could find." Yet
I thought otherwise. Indeed, so sure was I that he was an agent of the
priests, sent forth for the express purpose of arresting me, no earthly
consideration would have induced me to remain there another day. The
rest of that night I spent in a state of anxiety I cannot describe.
Sleep fled from my eyes. I dared not even undress and go to bed, but I
sat in my chair, or walked the room every moment expecting the return
of the mysterious visitor. I shuddered at every sound, whether real or
imaginary. Once in particular, I remember, the distant roll of carriage
wheels fell upon my ear. I listened; it came near, and still nearer,
till at last it stopped, as I thought, at the gate. For a moment I stood
literally stupified with terror, and then I hastily prepared to use the
means for self destruction I had already provided in anticipation of
such an emergency. I was still resolved never to be taken alive. "Give
me liberty or give me death," was now the language of my soul. If I
could not enjoy the one, I would cordially embrace the other. But it was
a sad alternative after all I had suffered that I might be free, after
all my buoyant hopes, all my ardent aspirations for a better life. O, it
was a bitter thing, thus to stand in the darkness of night, and with my
own hand carefully adjust the cord that was to cut me off from the land
of the living, and in a moment launch my trembling soul into the vast,
unknown, untried, and fearful future, that men call eternity! Was this
to be the only use I was to make of liberty? Was it for this I had so
long struggled, toiled, wept and prayed? "God of mercy," I cried, "save,
O save me from this last great sin! From the sad and dire necessity
which thus urges me to cut short a life which thou alone canst give!"
My prayer was heard; but how slowly passed the hours of that weary night
while I waited for the day that I might "hasten my escape from the windy
storm and tempest." Truly, at that time I could say with one of old,
"Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed
me. My heart is sore pained within me, and the terrors of death are
fallen upon me. Oh that I had the wings of a dove, for then would I flee
away, and be at rest."
But alas! I had not the wings of a dove, and whither should I flee from
the furious grasp of my relentless persecutors? Again I must go forth
into the "busy haunts of men," I must mingle with the multitude, and
what chance had I for ultimate escape? If I left these kind friends, and
leave them I must, who would take me in? In whom could I confide? Who
would have the power to rescue me in my hour of need? In God alone could
I trust, yet why is he so far from helping me? Why are my prayers so
long unanswered? And why does he thus allow the wicked to triumph; to
lay snares for the feet of the innocent, and wrongfully persecute those
whom their wanton cruelty hath caused to sit in darkness and in the
shadow of death? Why does he not at once "break the bands of iron, and
let the oppressed go free?"
The tedious night at length passed away. When I met Mr. Williams in the
morning, I told him I could no longer remain with him, for I was sure
if I did, I should be suddenly arrested in some unguarded moment, and
carried back to Montreal. He urged me to stay, assured me he would never
allow them to take me, said that he thought some of going south, and I
could go with him, and thus be removed far from all whom I feared. Mrs.
Williams, also, strove to persuade me to stay. But, though sorry to
appear ungrateful, I dared not remain another night where I felt that my
danger was so great.
When they found that I was determined to go, Mr. Williams said I
had better go to Worcester, Mass., and try to get employment in some
farmer's family, a little out of the city. He gave me money to bear my
expenses, until I found a place where I could earn my living. It was
with a sad heart that I left this hospitable roof, and as I turned away
I said in my heart, "Shall I always be hunted through the world in this
manner, obliged to flee like a guilty thing, and shall I never find
a home of happiness and peace? Must sorrow and despair forever be the
portion of my cup?" But no words of mine can describe what I felt at
that moment. I longed for the power to sound a warning through the
length and breadth of the land, to cry in the ears of all the people,
"Beware of Romanism!" Like the patient man of Uz, with whose history
I have since become familiar, I was ready to exclaim, "O that my words
were now written! O that they were printed in a book! Graven with an
iron pen," that the whole world might know what a fearful and bitter
thing it is to be a nun! To be subject to the control of those ruthless
tyrants, the Romish Priests.
Once more I entered the depot, and mingled with the crowd around the
ticket office. But no pen can describe my terror when I found myself the
object of particular attention. I heard people remark about my strange
and unnatural appearance, and I feared I might be taken up for a crazy
person, if not for a nun. Thinking that I saw an enemy in every face,
and a pursuer in every one who came near me, I hastened to take refuge
in the cars. There I waited with the greatest impatience for the
starting of the train. Slowly the cars were filled; very leisurely the
passengers sought their seats, while I sat trembling in every limb, and
the cold perspiration starting from every pore. How carefully I scanned
every face! how eagerly I watched for some indication of the priest or
the spy! So intense was my anxiety, those few moments seemed to me an
age of agony. At length the shrill whistle announced that all was ready,
and like sweetest music the sound fell upon my ears. The train dashed
off at lightning speed, but to me it seemed like the movement of a
snail.
Once under way, I ventured to breathe freely, and hope again revived.
Perchance I might yet escape. But even as the thought passed my mind, a
man entered the cars and seated himself directly, before me. I thought
he regarded me with too much interest, and thinking to shun him, I
quietly left my seat and retired to the other end of the car. He soon
followed, and again my fears revived. He at first tried to converse with
me, but finding I would not reply, he began to question me in the most
direct and impertinent manner. Again I changed my seat, and again he
followed. I then sought the conductor, and revealed to him enough of my
history to enlist his sympathy and ensure his protection. To his honor
be it spoken, I did not appeal to him in vain. He severely reproved the
man for his impertinence; and for the rest of the journey I was shielded
from insult or injury.
Nothing further of interest transpired until I reached Worcester, when
the first face that met my eye as I was about to leave the cars was that
of a Romish priest. I could not be mistaken, for I had often seen him
at Montreal. He might not have been looking for me, but he watched every
passenger as they left the cars in a way that convinced me he had some
special reason for doing it. As I, too, had special reasons for avoiding
him just at that time, I stepped back out of sight until the passengers
were all out of the cars and the priest had turned away. I then sprang
out upon the opposite side, and, turning my back upon the depot,
hastened away amid the wilderness of houses, not knowing whither I went.
For a long time I wandered around, until at length, being faint and
weary, I began to look for some place where I could obtain refreshment.
But when I found a restaurant I did not dare to enter. A number of
Irishmen were standing around who were in all probability Catholics. I
would not venture among them; but as I turned aside I remembered that
Mr. Williams had directed me to seek employment a little out of the
city. I then inquired the way to Main street, and having found it, I
turned to the north and walked on till I found myself out of the thickly
settled part of the city. Then I began to seek for employment, and after
several fruitless applications I chanced to call upon a man whose name
was Handy. He received me in the kindest manner, and when I asked for
work, he said his wife did not need to hire me, but I was welcome to
stop with them and work for my board until I found employment elsewhere.
This offer I joyfully accepted; and, as I became acquainted in the
place, many kind hands were extended to aid me in my efforts to obtain
an honest living. In this neighborhood I still reside, truly thankful
for past deliverance, grateful for present mercies, and confidently
trusting God for the future.