THE WHITE NUNNERY.
On my arrival at the nunnery, I was placed under the care of a lady whom
they called a Superior. She took me into a room alone, and told me that
the priest would come to me in the morning to hear confession, and I
must confess to him all my sins. "What are sins?" I asked, and, "How
shall I confess? I don't know what it means." "Don't know what sins
are!" she exclaimed in great astonishment "Why, child, I am surprised
that you should be so ignorant! Where have you lived all your days?"
With all the simplicity of childhood, I replied, "With my father;
and once I lived with my grandfather; but they didn't tell me how to
confess." "Well," said she, "you must tell the priest all your wicked
thoughts, words, and actions." "What is wicked?" I innocently asked.
"If you have ever told an untruth;" she replied, "or taken what did not
belong to you, or been in any way naughty, disobedient, or unkind; if
you have been angry, or quarrelled with your playmates, that was wicked,
and you must tell the priest all about it If you try to conceal, or
keep back anything, the priest will know it and punish you. You cannot
deceive him if you try, for he knows all you do, or say, or even think;
and if you attempt it, you'll only get yourself into trouble. But if
you are resolved to be a good girl, kind, gentle, frank, sincere, and
obedient, the priest will love you, and be kind to you."
When I was conducted to my room, at bedtime, I rejoiced to find in it
several little cot beds, occupied by little girls about my own age, who
had been, like myself, consigned to the tender mercies of priests and
nuns. I thought if we must live in that great gloomy house, which even
to my childish imagination seemed so much like a prison, we could
in some degree dispel our loneliness and mitigate our sorrows, by
companionship and sympathy. But I was soon made to know that even this
small comfort would not be allowed us, for the Superior, as she assisted
me to bed, told me that I must not speak, or groan, or turn upon my
side, or move in any way; for if I made the least noise or disturbance,
I would be severely punished. She assured me that if we disobeyed in the
least particular, she would know it, even if she was not present, and
deal with us accordingly. She said that when the clock struck twelve,
the bell would ring for prayers; that we must then rise, and kneel with
our heads bowed upon the bed, and repeat the prayer she taught us. When,
at length, she left us, locking the door after her, I was so frightened,
I did not dare to sleep, lest I should move, or fail to awake at the
proper time.
Slowly passed the hours of that long and weary night, while I lay,
waiting the ringing of the bell, or thinking upon the past with deep
regret. The most fearful visions haunted my brain, and fears of future
punishment filled my mind. How could I hope to escape it, when they were
so very strict, and able to read my most secret thoughts? What would I
not have given could I have been again restored to my father? True he
was intemperate, but at that time I thought not of this; I only knew
that he was always kind to me, that he never refused what I asked of
him. I sometimes think, even now, that if he had not so cruelly thrust
me from him, I might have been able to win him from his cups and evil
course of life. But this was not to be. Having given himself up to the
demon of intemperance, it is not surprising that he should have given
away his only child; that he should have placed her in the hands of
those who proved utterly unworthy of the trust. But however indignant I
may at times have felt towards him, for the one great wrong he committed
against me, still I do not believe he would ever have done it but for
the influence of ardent spirits. Moreover, I do not suppose that he had
the least idea what kind of a place it was. He wished, doubtless, that
his child might be well educated; that she might be shielded from the
many trials and temptations that cluster around the footsteps of the
young and inexperienced, in the midst of a cold and heartless world.
From these evils the nunnery, he thought, would be a secure retreat, for
there science, religion, and philanthropy, PROFESSEDLY, go hand in hand.
Like many other deluded parents, he thought that "Holiness to the Lord"
was inscribed upon those walls, and that nothing which could pervert or
defile the youthful mind, was permitted to enter there. With these views
and feelings, he was undoubtedly sincere when he told me, "I would have
a good home, and the nuns would take better care of me than he could."
Rash his decision certainly was, cruel it proved to be; but I shall ever
give him credit for good intentions.
At length the bell rang, and all the girls immediately left their beds,
and placed themselves upon their knees. I followed their example, but
I had scarcely time to kneel by my bed, when the Superior came into the
room with a light in her hand, and attended by a priest. He came to me,
opened a book, and told me to cross myself. This ceremony he instructed
me to perform in the following manner: the right hand is placed upon the
forehead, and drawn down to the breast; then across the breast from
left to right. The Superior then told me to say the prayer called
"Hail Mary!" I attempted to do so, but failed, for, though I had often
repeated it after my father, I could not say it correctly alone. She
then bade me join my hands, and repeat it after her. "Hail Mary! Full of
grace! The Lord be with thee! Blessed art thou among women! Blessed is
the fruit of thy womb, Jesus! Mother of God! Pray for us sinners, now,
and at the hour of our death, Amen."
"Now," said the Superior, as I rose from my knees, "you must learn every
word of that prayer before to-morrow night, or go without your supper."
I tried my best to remember it, but with so little instruction, for she
repeated it to me but once, I found it quite impossible the next night
to say it correctly. Of course, I was compelled to go without my supper.
This may seem a light punishment to those who have enough to eat--who
sit down to a full table, and satisfy their appetite three times per
day, but to a nun, who is allowed only enough to sustain life, it
is quite a different thing. And especially to a child, this mode of
punishment is more severe, and harder to bear than almost any other. I
thought I would take good care not to be punished in that way again; but
I little knew what was before me.
Before the Superior left us she assisted me into bed, and bade me be
very still until the second bell in the morning. Then, I must rise
and dress as quickly as possible, and go to her room. Quietness, she
enjoined upon me as a virtue, while the least noise, or disturbance of
any kind, would be punished as a crime. She said I must walk very softly
indeed along the halls, and close the doors so carefully that not
a sound could be heard. After giving me these first instructions in
convent life, she left me, and I was allowed to sleep the rest of the
night.
The next morning, I awoke at the ringing of the first bell, but I did
not dare to stir until the second bell, when the other little girls
arose in great haste. I then dressed as quickly as possible, but not
a word was spoken--not a thought, and scarcely a look exchanged. I
was truly "alone amid a crowd," and I felt the utter loneliness of my
situation most keenly. Yet I saw very clearly that there was but one
course for me to pursue, and that was, to obey in all things; to have
no will of my own, and thus, if possible, escape punishment. But it was
hard, very hard for me to bring my mind to this. I had been the idolized
child of affection too long to submit readily and patiently to the
privations I was now forced to endure. Hitherto my will had been law.
I had naturally an imperious, violent temper, which I had never been
taught to govern. Instead of this, my appetites were pampered, my
passions indulged, and every desire gratified as far as possible. Until
that last sad parting, I hardly knew what it was to have a request
refused; and now, to experience such a change--such a sudden transition
from the most liberal indulgence to the most cruel and rigorous
self-denial--Oh, it was a severe trial to my independent spirit to
submit to it. Yet, submit I must, for I had learned, even then, that
my newly appointed guardians were not to be trifled with. Henceforth,
OBEDIENCE must be my motto. To every command, however cruel and unjust,
I must yield a blind, passive, and unquestioning obedience.
I dressed as quickly as possible, and hastened down to the Superior.
As I passed through the hall, I thought I would be very careful to step
softly, but in my haste I forgot what she said about closing the door,
and it came together with a loud crash. On entering the room, I found
the Superior waiting for me; in her hand she held a stick about a foot
long, to the end of which was attached nine leather strings, some twelve
or fifteen inches long, and about the size of a man's little finger. She
bade me come to her, in a voice so cold and stern it sent a thrill of
terror through my frame, and I trembled with the apprehension of some
impending evil. I had no idea that she was about to punish me, for I
was not aware that I had done anything to deserve it; but her looks
frightened me, and I feared,--I know not what. She took hold of my arm,
and without saying a word, gave me ten or twelve strokes over the head
and shoulders with this miniature cat-o'-nine-tails. Truly, with her, it
was "a word and a blow, and the blow came first." Wherever the strings
chanced to fall upon the bare flesh, they raised the skin, as though a
hot iron had been applied to it. In some places they took off the skin
entirely, and left the flesh raw, and quivering with the stinging
pain. I could not think at first what I had done to deserve this severe
punishment, nor did she condescend to enlighten me. But when I began
to cry, and beg to go to my father, she sternly bade me stop crying at
once, for I could not go to my father. I must stay there, she said, and
learn to remember all her commands and obey then. She then taught me the
following verse:
I am a little nun,
The sisters I will mind;
When I am pretty and learn,
Then they will use me kind.
I must not be so noisy
When I go about the house,
I'll close the doors so softly
They'll think I am a mouse.
This verse I repeated until I could say it correctly. I was then
taken to the breakfast-room, where I was directed to kneel before the
crucifix, and say my prayers, which I repeated after the Superior. I was
then seated at the table, and directed to hold my head down, and fix my
eyes upon my plate. I must not look at any one, or gaze about the room;
but sit still, and quietly eat what was given me. I had upon my plate,
one thin slice of wheat bread, a bit of potato, and a very small cup of
milk. This was my stated allowance, and I could have no more, however
hungry I might be. The same quantity was given me every meal, when
in usual health, until I was ten years of age. On fast days, no food
whatever was allowed; and we always fasted for three meals before
receiving the sacrament. This ceremony was observed every third day,
therefore we were obliged to fast about one-third of the time.
Yet, however long the fast might be, my allowance of food was never
increased.
After breakfast the Superior took me to Priest Dow for confession. He
kept me with him all day, allowing me neither food nor drink; nor did
he permit me to break my fast until four o'clock the next day. I then
received what they call the sacrament, for the first time.
To prepare for this, I was clad in a white dress and cape, and a white
cap on my head. I was then led to the chapel, and passing up the aisle,
knelt before the altar. Priest Dow then came and stood before me,
and taking from a wine-glass a small thin wafer, he placed it upon my
tongue, at the same time repeating some Latin words, which, the Superior
afterwards told me, mean in English, "The body and blood of Christ." I
was taught to believe that I held in my mouth the real body and blood
of Christ. I was also told that if I swallowed the wafer before it had
melted on my tongue, IT WOULD CHOKE ME TO DEATH; and if I indulged an
evil thought while I held it in my mouth I SHOULD FALL INTO A POOL OF
BLOOD.