"MY COUNTRY"
The public school has done its best for us foreigners, and for the
country, when it has made us into good Americans. I am glad it is mine
to tell how the miracle was wrought in one case. You should be glad to
hear of it, you born Americans; for it is the story of the growth of
your country; of the flocking of your brothers and sisters from the
far ends of the earth to the flag you love; of the recruiting of your
armies of workers, thinkers, and leaders. And you will be glad to hear
of it, my comrades in adoption; for it is a rehearsal of your own
experience, the thrill and wonder of which your own hearts have felt.
How long would you say, wise reader, it takes to make an American? By
the middle of my second year in school I had reached the sixth grade.
When, after the Christmas holidays, we began to study the life of
Washington, running through a summary of the Revolution, and the early
days of the Republic, it seemed to me that all my reading and study
had been idle until then. The reader, the arithmetic, the song book,
that had so fascinated me until now, became suddenly sober exercise
books, tools wherewith to hew a way to the source of inspiration. When
the teacher read to us out of a big book with many bookmarks in it, I
sat rigid with attention in my little chair, my hands tightly clasped
on the edge of my desk; and I painfully held my breath, to prevent
sighs of disappointment escaping, as I saw the teacher skip the parts
between bookmarks. When the class read, and it came my turn, my voice
shook and the book trembled in my hands. I could not pronounce the
name of George Washington without a pause. Never had I prayed, never
had I chanted the songs of David, never had I called upon the Most
Holy, in such utter reverence and worship as I repeated the simple
sentences of my child's story of the patriot. I gazed with adoration
at the portraits of George and Martha Washington, till I could see
them with my eyes shut. And whereas formerly my self-consciousness had
bordered on conceit, and I thought myself an uncommon person, parading
my schoolbooks through the streets, and swelling with pride when a
teacher detained me in conversation, now I grew humble all at once,
seeing how insignificant I was beside the Great.
As I read about the noble boy who would not tell a lie to save himself
from punishment, I was for the first time truly repentant of my sins.
Formerly I had fasted and prayed and made sacrifice on the Day of
Atonement, but it was more than half play, in mimicry of my elders. I
had no real horror of sin, and I knew so many ways of escaping
punishment. I am sure my family, my neighbors, my teachers in
Polotzk--all my world, in fact--strove together, by example and
precept, to teach me goodness. Saintliness had a new incarnation in
about every third person I knew. I did respect the saints, but I could
not help seeing that most of them were a little bit stupid, and that
mischief was much more fun than piety. Goodness, as I had known it,
was respectable, but not necessarily admirable. The people I really
admired, like my Uncle Solomon, and Cousin Rachel, were those who
preached the least and laughed the most. My sister Frieda was
perfectly good, but she did not think the less of me because I played
tricks. What I loved in my friends was not inimitable. One could be
downright good if one really wanted to. One could be learned if one
had books and teachers. One could sing funny songs and tell anecdotes
if one travelled about and picked up such things, like one's uncles
and cousins. But a human being strictly good, perfectly wise, and
unfailingly valiant, all at the same time, I had never heard or
dreamed of. This wonderful George Washington was as inimitable as he
was irreproachable. Even if I had never, never told a lie, I could not
compare myself to George Washington; for I was not brave--I was afraid
to go out when snowballs whizzed--and I could never be the First
President of the United States.
So I was forced to revise my own estimate of myself. But the twin of
my new-born humility, paradoxical as it may seem, was a sense of
dignity I had never known before. For if I found that I was a person
of small consequence, I discovered at the same time that I was more
nobly related than I had ever supposed. I had relatives and friends
who were notable people by the old standards,--I had never been
ashamed of my family,--but this George Washington, who died long
before I was born, was like a king in greatness, and he and I were
Fellow Citizens. There was a great deal about Fellow Citizens in the
patriotic literature we read at this time; and I knew from my father
how he was a Citizen, through the process of naturalization, and how I
also was a citizen, by virtue of my relation to him. Undoubtedly I was
a Fellow Citizen, and George Washington was another. It thrilled me to
realize what sudden greatness had fallen on me; and at the same time
it sobered me, as with a sense of responsibility. I strove to conduct
myself as befitted a Fellow Citizen.
Before books came into my life, I was given to stargazing and
daydreaming. When books were given me, I fell upon them as a glutton
pounces on his meat after a period of enforced starvation. I lived
with my nose in a book, and took no notice of the alternations of the
sun and stars. But now, after the advent of George Washington and the
American Revolution, I began to dream again. I strayed on the common
after school instead of hurrying home to read. I hung on fence rails,
my pet book forgotten under my arm, and gazed off to the
yellow-streaked February sunset, and beyond, and beyond. I was no
longer the central figure of my dreams; the dry weeds in the lane
crackled beneath the tread of Heroes.
What more could America give a child? Ah, much more! As I read how the
patriots planned the Revolution, and the women gave their sons to die
in battle, and the heroes led to victory, and the rejoicing people set
up the Republic, it dawned on me gradually what was meant by _my
country_. The people all desiring noble things, and striving for them
together, defying their oppressors, giving their lives for each
other--all this it was that made _my country_. It was not a thing that
I _understood_; I could not go home and tell Frieda about it, as I
told her other things I learned at school. But I knew one could say
"my country" and _feel_ it, as one felt "God" or "myself." My teacher,
my schoolmates, Miss Dillingham, George Washington himself could not
mean more than I when they said "my country," after I had once felt
it. For the Country was for all the Citizens, and _I was a Citizen_.
And when we stood up to sing "America," I shouted the words with all
my might. I was in very earnest proclaiming to the world my love for
my new-found country.
"I love thy rocks and rills.
Thy woods and templed hills."
Boston Harbor, Crescent Beach, Chelsea Square--all was hallowed ground
to me. As the day approached when the school was to hold exercises in
honor of Washington's Birthday, the halls resounded at all hours with
the strains of patriotic songs; and I, who was a model of the
attentive pupil, more than once lost my place in the lesson as I
strained to hear, through closed doors, some neighboring class
rehearsing "The Star-Spangled Banner." If the doors happened to open,
and the chorus broke out unveiled--
"O! say, does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave?"--
delicious tremors ran up and down my spine, and I was faint with
suppressed enthusiasm.
Where had been my country until now? What flag had I loved? What
heroes had I worshipped? The very names of these things had been
unknown to me. Well I knew that Polotzk was not my country. It was
_goluth_--exile. On many occasions in the year we prayed to God to
lead us out of exile. The beautiful Passover service closed with the
words, "Next year, may we be in Jerusalem." On childish lips, indeed,
those words were no conscious aspiration; we repeated the Hebrew
syllables after our elders, but without their hope and longing. Still
not a child among us was too young to feel in his own flesh the lash
of the oppressor. We knew what it was to be Jews in exile, from the
spiteful treatment we suffered at the hands of the smallest urchin
who crossed himself; and thence we knew that Israel had good reason to
pray for deliverance. But the story of the Exodus was not history to
me in the sense that the story of the American Revolution was. It was
more like a glorious myth, a belief in which had the effect of cutting
me off from the actual world, by linking me with a world of phantoms.
Those moments of exaltation which the contemplation of the Biblical
past afforded us, allowing us to call ourselves the children of
princes, served but to tinge with a more poignant sense of
disinheritance the long humdrum stretches of our life. In very truth
we were a people without a country. Surrounded by mocking foes and
detractors, it was difficult for me to realize the persons of my
people's heroes or the events in which they moved. Except in moments
of abstraction from the world around me, I scarcely understood that
Jerusalem was an actual spot on the earth, where once the Kings of the
Bible, real people, like my neighbors in Polotzk, ruled in puissant
majesty. For the conditions of our civil life did not permit us to
cultivate a spirit of nationalism. The freedom of worship that was
grudgingly granted within the narrow limits of the Pale by no means
included the right to set up openly any ideal of a Hebrew State, any
hero other than the Czar. What we children picked up of our ancient
political history was confused with the miraculous story of the
Creation, with the supernatural legends and hazy associations of Bible
lore. As to our future, we Jews in Polotzk had no national
expectations; only a life-worn dreamer here and there hoped to die in
Palestine. If Fetchke and I sang, with my father, first making sure of
our audience, "Zion, Zion, Holy Zion, not forever is it lost," we did
not really picture to ourselves Judæa restored.
So it came to pass that we did not know what _my country_ could mean
to a man. And as we had no country, so we had no flag to love. It was
by no far-fetched symbolism that the banner of the House of Romanoff
became the emblem of our latter-day bondage in our eyes. Even a child
would know how to hate the flag that we were forced, on pain of severe
penalties, to hoist above our housetops, in celebration of the advent
of one of our oppressors. And as it was with country and flag, so it
was with heroes of war. We hated the uniform of the soldier, to the
last brass button. On the person of a Gentile, it was the symbol of
tyranny; on the person of a Jew, it was the emblem of shame.
So a little Jewish girl in Polotzk was apt to grow up hungry-minded
and empty-hearted; and if, still in her outreaching youth, she was set
down in a land of outspoken patriotism, she was likely to love her new
country with a great love, and to embrace its heroes in a great
worship. Naturalization, with us Russian Jews, may mean more than the
adoption of the immigrant by America. It may mean the adoption of
America by the immigrant.
On the day of the Washington celebration I recited a poem that I had
composed in my enthusiasm. But "composed" is not the word. The process
of putting on paper the sentiments that seethed in my soul was really
very discomposing. I dug the words out of my heart, squeezed the
rhymes out of my brain, forced the missing syllables out of their
hiding-places in the dictionary. May I never again know such travail
of the spirit as I endured during the fevered days when I was engaged
on the poem. It was not as if I wanted to say that snow was white or
grass was green. I could do that without a dictionary. It was a
question now of the loftiest sentiments, of the most abstract truths,
the names of which were very new in my vocabulary. It was necessary to
use polysyllables, and plenty of them; and where to find rhymes for
such words as "tyranny," "freedom," and "justice," when you had less
than two years' acquaintance with English! The name I wished to
celebrate was the most difficult of all. Nothing but "Washington"
rhymed with "Washington." It was a most ambitious undertaking, but my
heart could find no rest till it had proclaimed itself to the world;
so I wrestled with my difficulties, and spared not ink, till
inspiration perched on my penpoint, and my soul gave up its best.
When I had done, I was myself impressed with the length, gravity, and
nobility of my poem. My father was overcome with emotion as he read
it. His hands trembled as he held the paper to the light, and the mist
gathered in his eyes. My teacher, Miss Dwight, was plainly astonished
at my performance, and said many kind things, and asked many
questions; all of which I took very solemnly, like one who had been in
the clouds and returned to earth with a sign upon him. When Miss
Dwight asked me to read my poem to the class on the day of
celebration, I readily consented. It was not in me to refuse a chance
to tell my schoolmates what I thought of George Washington.
I was not a heroic figure when I stood up in front of the class to
pronounce the praises of the Father of his Country. Thin, pale, and
hollow, with a shadow of short black curls on my brow, and the staring
look of prominent eyes, I must have looked more frightened than
imposing. My dress added no grace to my appearance. "Plaids" were in
fashion, and my frock was of a red-and-green "plaid" that had a
ghastly effect on my complexion. I hated it when I thought of it, but
on the great day I did not know I had any dress on. Heels clapped
together, and hands glued to my sides, I lifted up my voice in praise
of George Washington. It was not much of a voice; like my hollow
cheeks, it suggested consumption. My pronunciation was faulty, my
declamation flat. But I had the courage of my convictions. I was face
to face with twoscore Fellow Citizens, in clean blouses and extra
frills. I must tell them what George Washington had done for their
country--for _our_ country--for me.
I can laugh now at the impossible metres, the grandiose phrases, the
verbose repetitions of my poem. Years ago I must have laughed at it,
when I threw my only copy into the wastebasket. The copy I am now
turning over was loaned me by Miss Dwight, who faithfully preserved it
all these years, for the sake, no doubt, of what I strove to express
when I laboriously hitched together those dozen and more ungraceful
stanzas. But to the forty Fellow Citizens sitting in rows in front of
me it was no laughing matter. Even the bad boys sat in attitudes of
attention, hypnotized by the solemnity of my demeanor. If they got any
inkling of what the hail of big words was about, it must have been
through occult suggestion. I fixed their eighty eyes with my single
stare, and gave it to them, stanza after stanza, with such emphasis as
the lameness of the lines permitted.
He whose courage, will, amazing bravery,
Did free his land from a despot's rule,
From man's greatest evil, almost slavery,
And all that's taught in tyranny's school.
Who gave his land its liberty,
Who was he?
'T was he who e'er will be our pride.
Immortal Washington,
Who always did in truth confide.
We hail our Washington!
[Illustration: TWOSCORE OF MY FELLOW-CITIZENS--PUBLIC SCHOOL,
CHELSEA]
The best of the verses were no better than these, but the children
listened. They had to. Presently I gave them news, declaring that
Washington
Wrote the famous Constitution; sacred's the hand
That this blessed guide to man had given, which says, "One
And all of mankind are alike, excepting none."
This was received in respectful silence, possibly because the other
Fellow Citizens were as hazy about historical facts as I at this
point. "Hurrah for Washington!" they understood, and "Three cheers for
the Red, White, and Blue!" was only to be expected on that occasion.
But there ran a special note through my poem--a thought that only
Israel Rubinstein or Beckie Aronovitch could have fully understood,
besides myself. For I made myself the spokesman of the "luckless sons
of Abraham," saying--
Then we weary Hebrew children at last found rest
In the land where reigned Freedom, and like a nest
To homeless birds your land proved to us, and therefore
Will we gratefully sing your praise evermore.
The boys and girls who had never been turned away from any door
because of their father's religion sat as if fascinated in their
places. But they woke up and applauded heartily when I was done,
following the example of Miss Dwight, who wore the happy face which
meant that one of her pupils had done well.
The recitation was repeated, by request, before several other classes,
and the applause was equally prolonged at each repetition. After the
exercises I was surrounded, praised, questioned, and made much of, by
teachers as well as pupils. Plainly I had not poured my praise of
George Washington into deaf ears. The teachers asked me if anybody had
helped me with the poem. The girls invariably asked, "Mary Antin, how
could you think of all those words?" None of them thought of the
dictionary!
If I had been satisfied with my poem in the first place, the applause
with which it was received by my teachers and schoolmates convinced me
that I had produced a very fine thing indeed. So the person, whoever
it was,--perhaps my father--who suggested that my tribute to
Washington ought to be printed, did not find me difficult to persuade.
When I had achieved an absolutely perfect copy of my verses, at the
expense of a dozen sheets of blue-ruled note paper, I crossed the
Mystic River to Boston and boldly invaded Newspaper Row.
It never occurred to me to send my manuscript by mail. In fact, it has
never been my way to send a delegate where I could go myself.
Consciously or unconsciously, I have always acted on the motto of a
wise man who was one of the dearest friends that Boston kept for me
until I came. "Personal presence moves the world," said the great Dr.
Hale; and I went in person to beard the editor in his armchair.
From the ferry slip to the offices of the "Boston Transcript" the way
was long, strange, and full of perils; but I kept resolutely on up
Hanover Street, being familiar with that part of my route, till I came
to a puzzling corner. There I stopped, utterly bewildered by the
tangle of streets, the roar of traffic, the giddy swarm of
pedestrians. With the precious manuscript tightly clasped, I balanced
myself on the curbstone, afraid to plunge into the boiling vortex of
the crossing. Every time I made a start, a clanging street car
snatched up the way. I could not even pick out my street; the
unobtrusive street signs were lost to my unpractised sight, in the
glaring confusion of store signs and advertisements. If I accosted a
pedestrian to ask the way, I had to speak several times before I was
heard. Jews, hurrying by with bearded chins on their bosoms and eyes
intent, shrugged their shoulders at the name "Transcript," and
shrugged till they were out of sight. Italians sauntering behind their
fruit carts answered my inquiry with a lift of the head that made
their earrings gleam, and a wave of the hand that referred me to all
four points of the compass at once. I was trying to catch the eye of
the tall policeman who stood grandly in the middle of the crossing, a
stout pillar around which the waves of traffic broke, when deliverance
bellowed in my ear.
"Herald, Globe, Record, _Tra-avel-er_! Eh? Whatcher want, sis?" The
tall newsboy had to stoop to me. "Transcript? Sure!" And in half a
twinkling he had picked me out a paper from his bundle. When I
explained to him, he good-naturedly tucked the paper in again, piloted
me across, unravelled the end of Washington Street for me, and with
much pointing out of landmarks, headed me for my destination, my nose
seeking the spire of the Old South Church.
I found the "Transcript" building a waste of corridors tunnelled by a
maze of staircases. On the glazed-glass doors were many signs with the
names or nicknames of many persons: "City Editor"; "Beggars and
Peddlers not Allowed." The nameless world not included in these
categories was warned off, forbidden to be or do: "Private--No
Admittance"; "Don't Knock." And the various inhospitable legends on
the doors and walls were punctuated by frequent cuspidors on the
floor. There was no sign anywhere of the welcome which I, as an
author, expected to find in the home of a newspaper.
I was descending from the top story to the street for the seventh
time, trying to decide what kind of editor a patriotic poem belonged
to, when an untidy boy carrying broad paper streamers and whistling
shrilly, in defiance of an express prohibition on the wall, bustled
through the corridor and left a door ajar. I slipped in behind him,
and found myself in a room full of editors.
I was a little surprised at the appearance of the editors. I had
imagined my editor would look like Mr. Jones, the principal of my
school, whose coat was always buttoned, and whose finger nails were
beautiful. These people were in shirt sleeves, and they smoked, and
they didn't politely turn in their revolving chairs when I came in,
and ask, "What can I do for you?"
The room was noisy with typewriters, and nobody heard my "Please, can
you tell me." At last one of the machines stopped, and the operator
thought he heard something in the pause. He looked up through his own
smoke. I guess he thought he saw something, for he stared. It troubled
me a little to have him stare so. I realized suddenly that the hand in
which I carried my manuscript was moist, and I was afraid it would
make marks on the paper. I held out the manuscript to the editor,
explaining that it was a poem about George Washington, and would he
please print it in the "Transcript."
There was something queer about that particular editor. The way he
stared and smiled made me feel about eleven inches high, and my voice
kept growing smaller and smaller as I neared the end of my speech.
At last he spoke, laying down his pipe, and sitting back at his ease.
"So you have brought us a poem, my child?"
"It's about George Washington," I repeated impressively. "Don't you
want to read it?"
"I should be delighted, my dear, but the fact is--"
He did not take my paper. He stood up and called across the room.
"Say, Jack! here is a young lady who has brought us a poem--about
George Washington.--Wrote it yourself, my dear?--Wrote it all herself.
What shall we do with her?"
Mr. Jack came over, and another man. My editor made me repeat my
business, and they all looked interested, but nobody took my paper
from me. They put their hands into their pockets, and my hand kept
growing clammier all the time. The three seemed to be consulting, but
I could not understand what they said, or why Mr. Jack laughed.
A fourth man, who had been writing busily at a desk near by, broke in
on the consultation.
"That's enough, boys," he said, "that's enough. Take the young lady to
Mr. Hurd."
Mr. Hurd, it was found, was away on a vacation, and of several other
editors in several offices, to whom I was referred, none proved to be
the proper editor to take charge of a poem about George Washington. At
last an elderly editor suggested that as Mr. Hurd would be away for
some time, I would do well to give up the "Transcript" and try the
"Herald," across the way.
A little tired by my wanderings, and bewildered by the complexity of
the editorial system, but still confident about my mission, I picked
my way across Washington Street and found the "Herald" offices. Here I
had instant good luck. The first editor I addressed took my paper and
invited me to a seat. He read my poem much more quickly than I could
myself, and said it was very nice, and asked me some questions, and
made notes on a slip of paper which he pinned to my manuscript. He
said he would have my piece printed very soon, and would send me a
copy of the issue in which it appeared. As I was going, I could not
help giving the editor my hand, although I had not experienced any
handshaking in Newspaper Row. I felt that as author and editor we were
on a very pleasant footing, and I gave him my hand in token of
comradeship.
I had regained my full stature and something over, during this cordial
interview, and when I stepped out into the street and saw the crowd
intently studying the bulletin board I swelled out of all proportion.
For I told myself that I, Mary Antin, was one of the inspired
brotherhood who made newspapers so interesting. I did not know whether
my poem would be put upon the bulletin board; but at any rate, it
would be in the paper, with my name at the bottom, like my story about
"Snow" in Miss Dillingham's school journal. And all these people in
the streets, and more, thousands of people--all Boston!--would read my
poem, and learn my name, and wonder who I was. I smiled to myself in
delicious amusement when a man deliberately put me out of his path, as
I dreamed my way through the jostling crowd; if he only _knew_ whom
he was treating so unceremoniously!
When the paper with my poem in it arrived, the whole house pounced
upon it at once. I was surprised to find that my verses were not all
over the front page. The poem was a little hard to find, if anything,
being tucked away in the middle of the voluminous sheet. But when we
found it, it looked wonderful, just like real poetry, not at all as if
somebody we knew had written it. It occupied a gratifying amount of
space, and was introduced by a flattering biographical sketch of the
author--the _author_!--the material for which the friendly editor had
artfully drawn from me during that happy interview. And my name, as I
had prophesied, was at the bottom!
When the excitement in the house had subsided, my father took all the
change out of the cash drawer and went to buy up the "Herald." He did
not count the pennies. He just bought "Heralds," all he could lay his
hands on, and distributed them gratis to all our friends, relatives,
and acquaintances; to all who could read, and to some who could not.
For weeks he carried a clipping from the "Herald" in his breast
pocket, and few were the occasions when he did not manage to introduce
it into the conversation. He treasured that clipping as for years he
had treasured the letters I wrote him from Polotzk.
Although my father bought up most of the issue containing my poem, a
few hundred copies were left to circulate among the general public,
enough to spread the flame of my patriotic ardor and to enkindle a
thousand sluggish hearts. Really, there was something more solemn than
vanity in my satisfaction. Pleased as I was with my notoriety--and
nobody but I knew how exceedingly pleased--I had a sober feeling about
it all. I enjoyed being praised and admired and envied; but what gave
a divine flavor to my happiness was the idea that I had publicly borne
testimony to the goodness of my exalted hero, to the greatness of my
adopted country. I did not discount the homage of Arlington Street,
because I did not properly rate the intelligence of its population. I
took the admiration of my schoolmates without a grain of salt; it was
just so much honey to me. I could not know that what made me great in
the eyes of my neighbors was that "there was a piece about me in the
paper"; it mattered very little to them what the "piece" was about. I
thought they really admired my sentiments. On the street, in the
schoolyard, I was pointed out. The people said, "That's Mary Antin.
She had her name in the paper." _I_ thought they said, "This is she
who loves her country and worships George Washington."
To repeat, I was well aware that I was something of a celebrity, and
took all possible satisfaction in the fact; yet I gave my schoolmates
no occasion to call me "stuck-up." My vanity did not express itself in
strutting or wagging the head. I played tag and puss-in-the-corner in
the schoolyard, and did everything that was comrade-like. But in the
schoolroom I conducted myself gravely, as befitted one who was
preparing for the noble career of a poet.
I am forgetting Lizzie McDee. I am trying to give the impression that
I behaved with at least outward modesty during my schoolgirl triumphs,
whereas Lizzie could testify that she knew Mary Antin as a vain
boastful, curly-headed little Jew. For I had a special style of
deportment for Lizzie. If there was any girl in the school besides me
who could keep near the top of the class all the year through, and
give bright answers when the principal or the school committee popped
sudden questions, and write rhymes that almost always rhymed, _I_ was
determined that that ambitious person should not soar unduly in her
own estimation. So I took care to show Lizzie all my poetry, and when
she showed me hers I did not admire it too warmly. Lizzie, as I have
already said, was in a Sunday-school mood even on week days; her
verses all had morals. My poems were about the crystal snow, and the
ocean blue, and sweet spring, and fleecy clouds; when I tried to drag
in a moral it kicked so that the music of my lines went out in a
groan. So I had a sweet revenge when Lizzie, one day, volunteered to
bolster up the eloquence of Mr. Jones, the principal, who was
lecturing the class for bad behavior, by comparing the bad boy in the
schoolroom to the rotten apple that spoils the barrelful. The groans,
coughs, a-hem's, feet shufflings, and paper pellets that filled the
room as Saint Elizabeth sat down, even in the principal's presence,
were sweet balm to my smart of envy; I didn't care if I didn't know
how to moralize.
When my teacher had visitors I was aware that I was the show pupil of
the class. I was always made to recite, my compositions were passed
around, and often I was called up on the platform--oh, climax of
exaltation!--to be interviewed by the distinguished strangers; while
the class took advantage of the teacher's distraction, to hold
forbidden intercourse on matters not prescribed in the curriculum.
When I returned to my seat, after such public audience with the great,
I looked to see if Lizzie McDee was taking notice; and Lizzie, who was
a generous soul, her Sunday-school airs notwithstanding, generally
smiled, and I forgave her her rhymes.
Not but what I paid a price for my honors. With all my self-possession
I had a certain capacity for shyness. Even when I arose to recite
before the customary audience of my class I suffered from incipient
stage fright, and my voice trembled over the first few words. When
visitors were in the room I was even more troubled; and when I was
made the special object of their attention my triumph was marred by
acute distress. If I was called up to speak to the visitors, forty
pairs of eyes pricked me in the back as I went. I stumbled in the
aisle, and knocked down things that were not at all in my way; and my
awkwardness increasing my embarrassment I would gladly have changed
places with Lizzie or the bad boy in the back row; anything, only to
be less conspicuous. When I found myself shaking hands with an august
School-Committeeman, or a teacher from New York, the remnants of my
self-possession vanished in awe; and it was in a very husky voice that
I repeated, as I was asked, my name, lineage, and personal history. On
the whole, I do not think that the School-Committeeman found a very
forward creature in the solemn-faced little girl with the tight curls
and the terrible red-and-green "plaid."
These awful audiences did not always end with the handshaking.
Sometimes the great personages asked me to write to them, and
exchanged addresses with me. Some of these correspondences continued
through years, and were the source of much pleasure, on one side at
least. And Arlington Street took notice when I received letters with
important-looking or aristocratic-looking letterheads. Lizzie McDee
also took notice. _I_ saw to that.