RECORDING A SISTERLY EFFORT TO LET IN LIGHT
When Margaret Smyrthwaite entered her sister's bedchamber she brought
the atmosphere of a perfumer's shop along with her. Under the elder
and sterner reign scent-sprays and scent-caskets were unknown at the
Tower House, Montagu Smyrthwaite holding such adjuncts to the feminine
toilet in hardly less abhorrence than powder or paint itself. A modest
whiff of aromatic vinegar or of eau-de-Cologne touched the high-water
mark of permitted indulgence. But in the use of perfumes, as in other
matters, Margaret--so Mrs. Isherwood put it--"had broke out sadly since
the poor old gentleman went." The intellectual streak common to the
Smyrthwaite family had from the first been absent in the young lady's
composition; while the morbid streak, also common in the family, was
now cauterized, if not actually eliminated, by the sunshine of her
seven thousand a year. A North-country grit, a rather foxy astuteness
and a toughness of fiber--also inherited--remained, however, very much
to the fore in her, with the result that she would travel--was, indeed,
already traveling--the grand trunk road of modern life without
hesitation, or apology, or any of those anxious questionings of why,
wherefrom, and whither which beset persons of nobler spiritual caliber.
In the past few months she had shed the last uncertainties of girlhood.
She had filled out and was in act of blossoming into that which
gentlemen of the Challoner order, in moments of expansion, not without
a cocking of the eye and moistening of the lip, are tempted to describe
as a "d--d fine woman." Now the light of the candle she carried showed
the rounded smoothness of her handsome neck and arms, through the
transparent yoke and sleeves of her black evening blouse, touched the
folds and curls of bright auburn hair upon her forehead, and brought
the hard bright blue of her eyes into conspicuous evidence. A
deficiency of eyelash and eyebrow caused her permanent vexation. This
defect she intended to remedy--some day. Not just at present, however,
as both Joanna and Isherwood were too loyally wedded to the aromatic
vinegar and eau-de-Cologne régime for such facial reconstructions to
pass without prejudiced and aggravating comment.
Advancing up the room, all of a piece and somewhat solid in tread, she
offered a notable contrast to Joanna, who awaited her palpitating and
angular, ravaged by agonies and aspirations, indignantly trembling
within the sagged knife-pleatings of her soiled white _négligé_. The
rough copy and _édition de luxe_, as Adrian had dubbed them, just then
very forcibly presented their likeness and unlikeness; yet, possibly,
to a discerning eye, the rough copy, though superficially so
conspicuously lacking in charm, might commend itself as the essentially
nobler of these two human documents.
"What is the matter, Joanna?" the _édition de luxe_ inquired. "Why
couldn't you send Isherwood to say you wanted to speak to me? It's
fortunate Marion's and my nerves are steady, for your calling out gave
us both an awful start."
"I did listen," the other returned, in a breathlessness of strong
emotion. "I was sitting at the window in the dark when you began
talking. At first I paid no heed; but, as your conversation went on, I
found it bore reference to matters which you are keeping from me and
with which I ought to be acquainted. I found it concerned me--myself.
I offer no apology. I acted in self-protection. I listened
deliberately."
Margaret laid the magazines and illustrated fashion papers, she carried
under her arm, upon the slab of the open bureau. She set down her flat
candlestick beside them, thus creating a triad of lighted
candles--unlucky omen!
"Then, Nannie," she said, coolly, "you did something which was not at
all nice."
The word stung Joanna by its grotesque inadequacy either to the depth
of her sufferings or of her transgression against the laws of honor.
To range at the tragic level, in relation to both, would have afforded
her consolation and support. Margaret denied such consolation by
taking her own stand squarely upon the conventional and commonplace.
Joanna's transgression began to show merely vulgar. This compelled her
to descend from tragic heights.
"Am I to understand that you really are engaged to Mr. Challoner?" she
therefore asked, without further preamble.
"If you listened you must have gathered as much, I imagine," Margaret
said.
"I did--I did, but I refused to believe it. I thought I must be
mistaken. I was unprepared for such news. It came to me as such a
shock, such a distressing surprise."
"Really, it's quite your own fault, Joanna," Margaret returned. "What
did you suppose he'd been coming here for constantly?"
"Not for that--"
"Thank you!" Margaret said.
"You know I have always objected to his being here so much. I tried to
prevent it. I feared it might lead to gossip. I felt you did not
consider that seriously enough. It is so dreadful that what we do or
say should be commented upon. Until the business connected with the
property was settled I recognized a necessity for Mr. Challoner's
frequent visits, but not since then, not for the last three months. I
am quite willing to admit his good points. I quite believe he has
served us faithfully in business.--Pray do not suppose I underrate his
services in that respect. But I never supposed he could presume to
propose to you, Margaret."
"I don't see anything presumptuous in his proposing. He admires me
very much. Is it such an unheard-of thing that he should wish me to
marry him?"
"No--no--but that you should give him encouragement.--For you must have
encouraged him--"
"And"--with disconcerting composure from the _édition de luxe_--"why
not?"
Joanna began to pace the room restlessly in her trailing draperies.
"Because--because"--she said--"your own instinct must tell you what an
unsuitable marriage this would be for you--for our parents' daughter,
for my sister. I don't want to be selfish, Margaret, but I have a
right to consider my own future to some extent; and Mr. Challoner--I
dislike to seem to deprecate him--it is invidious to do so--indeed, it
is intensely distasteful to me to point out his peculiarities--but when
I think of him as a brother-in-law--his antecedents, his standard of
manners and conversation strike me as so different to those to which we
have always been accustomed. I cannot avoid seeing this. It is so
very palpable. Others must see it too--members of our family, I mean,
with whom we are, or may in the future be, intimately associated."
In her excitement clearness of statement failed somewhat. Margaret
stood listening, calmly obstinate, her head a little bent, while she
straightened the magazines and picture papers lying on the slab of the
bureau with her finger-tips.
"I didn't for one moment imagine you would be pleased at my
engagement--that's why I have not told you sooner. I was sure you'd be
disagreeable about it. And you are disagreeable, Joanna, very
disagreeable indeed. Like most people who plume themselves on being
very high-minded, you end by being very vulgar-minded and worldly. I
quite expected this tone from you; and so I put off telling you as long
as possible. Even now, you must remember, you have surprised my
confidence. I have not given it voluntarily. Useless discussions,
such as this, bore me."
"Useless?" Joanna interrupted.
"Quite useless, unless I happen to change my mind, which I shall not
do. I have considered things all round. I have talked everything over
with Marion. You must make what you like of it, Joanna; but I am going
to marry Challoner."
The scriptural Christian name annoyed her as suggesting possibilities
of humorous retrospect. The "mister" under existing romantic
circumstances savored of underbred, middle-class ceremony. So she
struck for the surname, pure and simple, thereby conferring, in some
sort, the noble conciseness of a title upon her admirer.
"I don't share your very exalted opinions of our position and
importance," she continued. "Papa was a successful Yorkshire mill
owner. Challoner is the head of a firm of successful South-country
solicitors. You talk of his antecedents. His father was a very
enterprising man, who built up the business here which he has carried
on and developed. Everybody in this part of England knows who
Challoner, Greatrex & Pewsey are. The firm's reputation is above
suspicion. They opened a branch office four years ago at Southampton,
and one last year at Weymouth. Really, I can't see what you have to
object to on the score of position, Joanna? Andrew Merriman's
grandfather was only a mill-hand."
"You need not have alluded to that," the other cried, sharply. Then,
fighting for self-control, she added, "You know quite well it is a
marriage you would never have thought of making while papa was living."
"And you know equally well, Nannie, it was utterly hopeless to think of
any marriage whatever when papa was alive. We hardly ever saw a man.
Papa snubbed every one who came near us. No one dared propose, even if
they wished to do so. Remember all the Andrew Merriman business?"
"Pray don't refer to that again," Joanna said.
"I only wanted to give you an instance--Nannie, would you mind sitting
down? It makes me so dreadfully hot to watch you roaming about in that
way. We could talk ever so much better if you would only keep
still.--And there is a great deal which has to be talked over some
time. As we have begun to-night, we may as well go on and get through
with it. The heat makes me fidgety. I'm not inclined to go to bed."
Thus admonished, Joanna sank into the easy-chair once more. She
doubled herself together, working her hands nervously, ball-and-socket
fashion, in her lap. The perception that this was a new Margaret, a
Margaret wholly unreckoned with, grew upon her. And along with that
perception an apprehension of fronting things unknown yet of vital
significance, things which, when known, must inevitably color all her
future outlook, grew upon her likewise. As yet the screen of
ignorance, dense though impalpable as the dense thunder-thickened sky
there outside, interposed between her and those fateful things veiling
them. But Margaret, the new, composed, practical, highly perfumed
Margaret, was in act of drawing that screen aside. Then what would
she, Joanna, see? What concourse of cruel verities lurked behind,
waiting to jump on her?--Asking herself this, she shivered,
notwithstanding the heat of the atmosphere and of her woolen gown, with
premonition of coming chill--chill of loneliness, chill of disaster, of
which such loneliness was at once the bitter flower and the root.
Her sister had followed her to the window, and stood just within it,
nonchalant and comely, fanning herself with a little fan hanging by a
ribbon from her waistband. The silver spangles upon the black gauze
sparkled sharply in the candle-light, and the ebony sticks ticked as
she waved it to and fro.
"I do so wish you wouldn't make a tragedy of all this, Nannie," she
said. "But of course I knew you would, because you always think it
your duty to get into a wild state of mind over everything I say or do.
It would be so much more comfortable for both of us if you could get it
into your head once and for all that you're not responsible for me in
any way. We are equals. We're the same age--you always seem to forget
that--and I'm quite as competent to manage my affairs as you are to
manage yours. You have no authority over me of any description, legal
or moral, none whatsoever, you know."
"I am only too well aware that I have failed to influence you,
Margaret," Joanna returned, while waves of scented air, set in motion
by the black and silver fan, played upon her face. "I had been
thinking of that to-night, before I overheard your and Marion's
conversation. I had been reproaching myself. I know we are the same
age; but our dispositions are different, and I have always occupied an
elder sister's position toward you. It is very distressing to me to
realize how entirely I have failed to influence you. This contemplated
marriage of yours gives the measure of my non-success."
"Oh! dear me! Influence--failure--really, you know, Nannie, you are
most awfully provoking!" the other exclaimed. "I don't want to lose my
temper and be cross, but I am so frightfully sick of this whole
responsibility mania. It's been the bugbear of our lives ever since we
were children. Papa and mamma sacrificed themselves and sacrificed us
to it, with the result that we've always been in an unnatural attitude,
like dogs trying to walk on their hind legs."
"Margaret, Margaret!" Joanna protested, scandalized by the filial
profanity of the suggested picture.
"So we have, Nannie. And in what has this everlasting preaching of
responsibility ended? Why, simply in making papa believe he was doing
right by being rude and arrogant and dreadfully disagreeable over
trifles. In making mamma a hopeless invalid. In ruining Bibby, body
and soul, making him untruthful and dishonest, and inclined to do all
sorts of horrid, ungentlemanly things. Hush? No, I am not going to
hush, Joanna. You asked me to come here, and you asked me a question.
Now you really must listen till I have said all I have to say in
answer. I want to get it over. It's far too unpleasant to go through
twice. And this mania about responsibility has been disastrous for you
too--you know that perfectly well. It has spoiled your life by keeping
you in a perpetual state of fuss and worry, and of dissatisfaction with
your own conduct and everybody else's. As for me, it made me
hysterical and fretful, and deceitful too. How could one help being
deceitful when one was always dodging some silly trumped-up
fault-finding or bother? I believe it would have broken up my nerves
altogether if it had gone on much longer. And what on earth does it
all mean? What were we responsible for? Who were we responsible to?"
she went on contemptuously. "I don't know. And I don't believe you
know either, Joanna, if you would only use your common-sense and give
up worshiping words and phrases. The whole thing is nonsense, and
rather lying nonsense--just a pretending to oneself that one is better
and cleverer than other people. When you come to think of it, this
craze for superiority is so frightfully conceited! For who cares, or
ever has cared, whether we Smyrthwaites were intellectual, and
high-minded, and cultured, and well-read, and all the rest of it, or
not? In my opinion the system on which our parents brought us up, and
on which their parents brought them up, is nothing but an excuse for
self-adulation and pharisaism. I am sick to death of the whole thing,
and I mean to break away from it. And the simplest way to do so is to
marry Challoner. He's about as far away from it all as anybody well
can be--just a modern, practical man, who cares for real things, not
for advanced thought, and reform, and political economy, and questions
of morals, and so on. He isn't a bit intellectual. He only reads the
newspapers, or an occasional novel in the train when he's traveling, I
am thankful to say. And, I am awfully glad he belongs to the Church of
England, for I mean to break with the Unitarian Connection, Joanna. I
don't care about doctrine one way or another; but I can see how
narrow-minded and exclusive it makes people when they belong to a small
sect. Unitarians are always so frightfully pleased with themselves
because they believe less than other people. They're always living up
to their own cleverness in not believing; and it does make them awfully
hind-leggy and boring.--And then, of course, being a Nonconformist cuts
one out of a lot. Socially it is no end of a disadvantage to one. It
didn't signify so much in the North, but here it has stood horridly in
our way. Lots of nice people would have called on us when we first
came if we hadn't been dissenters. And, please understand, I mean to
know everybody now and be popular. I should enjoy giving away prizes
and opening bazaars, and entertaining on a big scale, and taking part
in all that goes on here. It would amuse me. I can give large
subscriptions, and I mean to give them. As I say, I intend to be
popular and to be talked about. I intend to make myself a power in the
place. And then, Joanna, there's something more--I dare say you'll
think it necessary to be scandalized--but there's this--"
She stopped fanning herself, and looked out into the hot darkness,
smiling, a certain luster upon her smooth skin and a fullness about her
bosom and her lips. Her voice took on richer tones when she spoke.
"I want to marry, and I mean to marry. I am nine and twenty, and I'm
tired of not knowing exactly what marriage is. So I'm not going to
wait, and hawk myself and my fortune about on the chance of a smarter
match. I have decided to be sensible and make the best of what I
have--namely, Challoner. I don't pretend he is perfect. I take him as
he stands. After all, he is only just forty and he is in excellent
health. I care about that, for I dislike sickly people, especially
men. They're always horridly selfish and fanciful. Either they
oughtn't to marry at all or ought to marry hospital nurses.--Then
Challoner is making a good income. We've talked quite frankly over the
money question. And then--then--"
For the first time she showed signs of slight embarrassment, laughing a
little, pursing up her lips and fanning herself again lightly.
"Then," she repeated, "he is desperately in love with me, and I enjoy
that. I want more of it. It interests and amuses me. It is exciting
to find one can twist a great, hard-headed fellow like Challoner round
one's little finger; make him go hot and cold, grow nervous and all of
a tremor just by a word or a look. He is like so much dough in my
hands. I can shape him as I like. There's nothing he wouldn't do to
please me. Oh! yes, he is desperately in love with me!"
This drawing back of the interposing screen and exhibition of the
Smyrthwaite tradition and system, stripped to the skin, stripped,
indeed, to an almost primordial nothingness, had been richly
distressing to poor Joanna. For was not she intrinsically the product
and exponent of the said tradition and system? Did it not stand for
the loom upon which the whole pattern of her character and conduct was
woven? In thus stripping the system, she was painfully conscious that
Margaret stripped her also to a like miserable nakedness and
nothingness. For, admitting the laws which she had been brought up to
reverence, and to obey which she had trained herself with such
unsparing diligence, were nugatory, what remained to her for guidance
or inspiration? Admitting her strenuously acquired mental attitude and
habit to be but senseless posturing, as of dancing dogs, how deplorably
she had wasted herself upon that which profiteth not! If the formative
processes of her education and culture represented nothing better than
laborious subscription to exploded fallacy, must she not make a return,
with all possible speed, upon whatever remnant of unalloyed instinct
and spontaneous purpose might still be left in her? But how to make
such a return? How to reform, to recreate, her attitude and outlook?
These questions assailed Joanna, bewildering alike in their
multiplicity and intricacy. The wheels of her over-taxed brain whizzed
and whirred. For the curse of the system-ridden, of the pedant, of the
doctrinaire, is loss of clear-seeing simplicity, of initiative, of that
power of direct and unaided action which is the reward of simplicity.
Stripped of encompassing precept and precedent, deprived of sustaining
prejudice, Joanna found herself naked and helpless indeed. She ran
wildly in search of fresh precept and precedent in which to clothe
herself. And found them, after a fashion normal and natural enough had
they happened to be grounded in fact instead of in most pitiful
illusion.
For as, distressedly watching her sister's rather cynical exposure of
the family tradition, she asked herself--in face of the said
exposure--what to her, personally, remained, she answered that Adrian
Savage remained. And thereupon proceeded with all the intensity and
pent-up passion of her morbidly introspective nature to fling herself
upon the thought of that delightful young man and his matrimonial
intentions. Hounding out doubts, furiously repressing misgivings, she
grappled herself to belief in Adrian with hooks of iron, chained
herself to it with links of steel, drank from the well of splendid
promise which it offered to the verge of inebriety. In him she hailed
her savior. Adrian would make good the wasted years. Adrian would
teach her where she had been mistaken, and where her intelligence had
gone astray. Adrian would instruct and counsel her, would supply her
with a rule of living at once just and distinguished. Adrian would be
gentle to her errors--had he not shown himself so already on more than
one occasion?--would be sympathetic, playful and charming even in
merited rebuke. She heard his voice once again. Saw him, in his habit
as he lived, gallant, courteous, eager yet debonair; and seeing, her
poor heart spilled itself upon the ground like water at his conquering
feet.
Joanna could sit still no longer. Her agitation was too vital, too
overmastering. She left the chair by the window and began to roam to
and fro, her hands plucking at the pleatings of her dress, her pale,
prominent eyes staring fixedly, her lips parted, her expression rapt.
"'Because thou art more noble and like a king,'" she quoted, silently,
turning to the sonnets from the Portuguese for adequate expression of
her emotion. "'Thou canst prevail against my fears and fling thy
purple round me.'"
The consequence of all of which was that she paid scant attention to
the concluding portion of her sister's comprehensive argument in favor
of her projected espousal of Joseph Challoner, and only awoke from the
state of trance induced by her access of Adrian-worship when the
repetition of Margaret's assertion of the violent character of
Challoner's affection and the slightly ambiguous laugh following that
assertion struck her ear. Then she turned upon the speaker with the
righteous wrath of one who hears sacred words put to unworthy uses.
"Desperately in love?" she said harshly. "And do you intend me to
understand, Margaret, that you are desperately in love with Mr.
Challoner in return?"
"Oh dear, no!" the lady addressed replied calmly enough. "Though if I
were, I see no occasion for your scolding me about it, Nannie.--What
does make you so restless and cross to-night? However, if you're
determined to be uncomfortable, I'm not--so I shall sit down here in
your chair. Did you see the lightning then? No, I'm not the least
silly about Challoner; but then I should be very sorry to be silly
about any man. I don't think it dignified for a woman to be in a wild
state of mind about her _fiancé_. It's not nice. I like Challoner
well enough to marry him, and well enough not to mind his making love
to me. That's quite sufficient, I think."
Jealous curiosity pricked Joanna. She stopped in her agitated walk and
stood stretching out her right hand and gazing abstractedly at it.
"What--what precisely do you mean when you speak of his making love to
you, Margaret?" she said, in a thin, urgent whisper.
"Really, for a person who plumes herself upon being particularly
refined you do say the most singular things, Joanna!" the other
exclaimed, laughing. "You can hardly expect me to go into details.
Making love is making love."
"Kissing your hand--do you mean?" Joanna gasped, in awestruck accents,
a dry sob rising in her throat.
"One's hand? Why, anybody might kiss one's hand. Challoner's
proceedings, I'm afraid, are considerably more unrestrained than that.
But I positively can't go into details. How extraordinary you are,
Nannie! Doesn't it occur to you there are questions which one doesn't
ask?"
Streaks of pain shot across the back of Joanna's right hand, as though
it were struck again and again with a rod. Moaning, just audibly, she
thrust it within the open bosom of her white _négligé_, and laid her
left hand upon it, fondling it as one striving to soothe some sorely
wounded creature.
Margaret leaned back in the easy-chair, fingering her little fan, a
sleekness, a suggestion of almost animal content in her expression and
attitude.
"No, really I can't explain any further," she said, laughing a little.
"I'm quite hot enough as it is, and refuse to make myself any hotter.
You must wait till somebody makes love to you, I'm afraid, Nannie, if
you want to know exactly what the process consists in. An
object-lesson would be necessary, and I am hardly equal to supplying
that."
Joanna's roamings had taken her as far as the door leading on to the
gallery. She waited, leaning against it. The back of Margaret's chair
was toward her, so that she was safe from observation. For this she
was not sorry, as the pain in her hand was acute, particularly upon the
spot where Adrian's lips had once touched it. There it throbbed and
smarted, as though a live coal were pressing into the flesh. Her face
was drawn with suffering. She dreaded to have her sister ask what
ailed her. But that young lady's thoughts were quite otherwise
engaged. She spoke presently, over her shoulder. Her voice sounded
curiously cozy.
"This evening, when he said good-by to me, Challoner lifted me right
off my feet when he was kissing me. He had never done so before. I
liked it. It showed how strong he is. I felt a wee bit nervous, but I
enjoyed it too. I revel in his strength. My ribs ache still.--There,
Nannie, is that little sample of love-making illuminating enough?"
And, leaning against the polished surface of the door, Joanna shivered,
nursing and fondling her burning hand.