_Enter_ PETER, _in the clothes of an ordinary Christian. He practices a
frightful dance, and remarks at intervals,_ "Jewhillikins."
_Enter_ BLANCHE _and_ PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN. _The latter notices_ PETER,
_with convulsive alarm._
PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN. "Confusion! Can he suspect me? BLANCHE, we must fly
at once. There is not a moment to lose."
_Enter_ EVERYBODY. _A quadrille is formed._ PETER _dances and falls
over everybody else. The quadrille ends._ PETER _rises and remarks,
"Jewhillikins." He goes out and returns, bringing the_ PLAUSIBLE
VILLAIN'S _wife with him. The_ PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN _repents._ BLANCHE
_consents to marry_ PETER. _Various preposterous engagements are entered
into by the_ TEDIOUS _and the_ IRRELEVANT PEOPLE. _And at last the play
is over._
COMIC MAN _among the audience._ "Why should M'VICKER think a man a
scoundrel, who deserts his wife and tries to marry another? Don't he
come from Chicago?"
2D COMIC MAN.--"Don't SHERIDAN," (who plays the PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN,)
"look as if he wished he were 'twenty miles away' when PETER denounces
him?"
And the bystanders smile weakly, as though they had heard a good joke on
SHERIDAN, and retire slowly toward their homes, evidently exhausted by
the oppressive virtue of the intolerable Yankee boor, whom M'VICKER
plays so well that the respectable portion of the audience is almost
inclined to overlook the wretchedness of the part in admiration of the
skill of the actor.
MATADOR.
Cue-rious Rumor.
That the Sound steamers are to be furnished with billiard tables for
the amusement of passengers between New York and Boston. This report,
however, is flatly contradicted, and we have neither charity nor chalk
for the man who would make a statement so groundless. GEORGE FRANCIS,
THE UBIQUITOUS.
Amidst all the chances and changes of this chequered, and, in some
respects, lugubrious life, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has the perennial consolation
of one friendship, which promises to be immortal, and over which time
and space hold no sway. Need we say that we are alluding to the tender
emotions which crowd our bosom whenever we hear of Mr. GEORGE FRANCIS
TRAIN! And lest our love for him should grow colder, this considerate
gentleman allows us to hear from him almost daily. To be sure he is like
some great antediluvian grasshopper, and seems capable of spanning this
almost boundless continent at a leap. He is in Maine in the morning--he
is making a speech in Minnesota when the evening shades prevail; but
wherever he is, the roll of his eloquence reaches us, and however busy
he may be, he is never too busy to write letters to tho newspapers. The
great man comes very near to solving the problem heretofore considered
insoluble, of being in two places at once. Two, did we say? Absurd!
Three, four, five, half a dozen! What a man! Jumping here! Leaping
there! Skipping North! Vaulting South! Skimming (like a CAMILLA in
pantaloons) over the plains of the West! Then, as if by magic, whirling
himself to the East! A man, did we say? Bah! GEORGE FRANCIS is clearly
one of the immortals.
Clearly! JUPITER used to be rather lavish of electricity, but he did but
a small retail business in it, compared with our dear GEORGE FRANCIS,
the demi-god, who, when he is not talking with sublime garrulity, is
telegraphing without regard to expense. Evidently it has dawned upon the
mind (if he has any,) of this extraordinary being, that the world, in
none of its quarters, can get along without him, and that the newspaper
which does not mention his name must be stale, flat, and unprofitable.
Wherefore he takes order that every newspaper shall print the wonderful
name as often as possible. Whether he be laughed at, sneered at, sworn
at, the virtue of the mere mention remains the same.
The last we heard from GEORGE FRANCIS, he was, (to use his own choice
language,) "away up here on the Chippewa," beseeching the lumber men,
with all the charm of his inimitable eloquence, to vote him into the
Presidential chair. "I am waking up these boys for 1872," writes the
valuable phenomenon. Unto "millers, rafters, choppers, and jammers,"
this Fountain of Oratory has gushed forth his "four hundred and
twenty-first consecutive Presidential lecture." Imagine a possible scene
upon a raft! GEORGE FRANCIS, mounted upon a whiskey-barrel, is making
all the air resonant with rhetoric. The "rafters" are swearing!
The "choppers" are cursing! The "jammers" are most reprehensibly
blaspheming! The enormous mass floats onward, and "TRAIN!" the floods,
"TRAIN!" the forests, "TRAIN!" the overarching skies resound! No
miserable hall, no narrow street, no "pent-up Utica" contracts the
power of this miraculous elocutionist--his auditorium seems to be a
hemisphere--his audience all mankind! ORPHEUS singing moved rocks
and trees. Great GEORGE spouting subdues all the inhabitants of the
wilderness. Timid deer trip to the shore to listen; ferocious bears,
catching the echo, shed tears of penitence; all creatures of the roaring
kind acknowledge themselves surpassed and silenced; the whispering pines
whisper all the more softly, as if ashamed of their own verbal weakness.
All speeches, even the speeches of a TRAIN, must come to an end; and
having ended, the floating DEMOSTHENES sits down to write to the
newspapers, that he has just been delivered of his four-hundred-and-
twenty-second, and is as well as could be expected.
Mr. PUNCHINELLO has, in his day, been considered talkative; but he
feels, as he listens to GEORGE FRANCIS, that he is himself a marvel of
taciturnity--that in the noble art of sounding his own trumpet he is
a mere child--that as a contributor to the public amusement he is in
danger of falling into paltry insignificance. Alas! he is not the
marvellous mountebank which he has heretofore considered himself to be;
and the nonsense upon which he so prided himself, in comparison with
the nonsense of GEORGE FRANCIS, sinks into the most melancholy and
insufferable wisdom. He looks forward to the future with a fear lest he
may descend to the depths of serious and slow solemnity. When he has
arrived at that deplorable stage of decay, he wishes it to be understood
that his drum and trumpet are at the service of Mr. GEORGE FRANCIS
TRAIN.
[Illustration: A YOUNG STIR AMONG THE DAILIES.
_Editor Dana._ "I WISH THAT FELLOW WOULD TAKE HIS BANNER OUT OF MY WAY.
IT ECLIPSES MY SPECIAL NEWS."]
ASSOCIATED PRESS TELEGRAMS.
It is well known that there is a leak in the Associated Press Office. In
point of fact there always is a leak. Why any one should think it worth
while to steal the Associated Press cable dispatches is a mystery,
when they could be manufactured in any newspaper office with much less
trouble. The following dispatches are a fair sample of the ordinary
cable news which is sent to the Association. "We need hardly say that
they were not stolen from Mr. SIMONTON, but we will say, as we
have already said, that there is a leak. A word to the wise is
sufficient--though, of course, by the expression, 'the wise,' we do not
mean any reference to the London agent of the Associated Press."
LONDON, June 6. The _Times_ of to-day has a paragraph on the big trees
of California.
MR. SMALLEY denies that he ever wore a hat resembling that of GUSTAVE
FLOURENS.
A boy has been arrested for picking pockets in Oxford Street.
JOHN SMITH, proprietor of a coffee and cake saloon in Ratcliffe Highway,
has gone into bankruptcy.
It is believed that if the Tories should oust the present cabinet, they
would come into power.
PARIS, June 7. There are rumors as to the health of the Emperor
NAPOLEON.
Yesterday a man is said to have cried, "_Vive la Republique!_" in his
back-yard.
ROME, June, 8. The Ecumenical Council is still in session.
There are more strangers in Rome than there have been at times when the
number was less.
ALEXANDRIA, June 8. Several vessels have passed through the Suez Canal
since its completion.
The Suez Canal is by some regarded as a success. Others think it a
failure.
CALCUTTA, June 6. A native was killed by a tiger near Bundelcund
eighteen months ago.
YOKOHAMA, June 6. The P. & O. Steamer Bombay has run down and sunk the
U.S. Sloop Oneida.
ST. PETERSBURGH, June 7. Some discontent was caused by the emancipation
of the serfs.
BERLIN, June 8. BISMARCK has notified the Upper House that no
exemplification of the categorical plebiscitum will be favorably
entertained or rejected.
In view of these important dispatches, PUNCHINELLO respectfully suggests
to Mr. SIMONTON, that instead of trying to put an end to the stealing of
his news, he put a peremptory end to the London agent of the Associated
Press. Otherwise the agent will soon put an end to the Association. One
or the other event must take place, and it is only a question of time
which shall occur first. [Illustration: PONTOON FOR PARTIES. A NEW
INVENTION, TO ENABLE GENTLEMEN TO CROSS THE FLOWING TRAINS OF LADIES IN
FASHIONABLE DRAWING-ROOMS.]
COMIC ZOOLOGY.
The Boa Constrictor.
Oriental tourists claim to have met with specimens of this reptile one
hundred feet in length, but as travellers are proverbially prone to
stretch their tales, narrative of this character must not be too readily
swallowed. He is found in India, all along the course of the Hooghly,
and is hugely superior in strength and size to all the other reptiles of
Asia. His habitat is usually up a tree, where he lies in ambush, and
he forages, and has for ages, on the nobler quadrupeds; seldom letting
himself down to make a "picked-up dinner" on the lower animals.
Sometimes, however, when tormented with an "all-gone sensation" in the
pit of his stomach, he descends to dine on a high-caste Brahmin and to
sup on a Gentoo.
The skin of the Boa has a silky sheen, like that of the finest Rep, and,
when taking a nap in the sun, his Damascened appearance may remind the
pious spectator of a scene damned by the intrusion of a similar reptile
several thousand years ago.
The Boa Constrictor is not a fascinating snake--far from it. He relies
on his muscles and not on his charms, for support. His appetite is
vigorous, and the manner in which he disposes of his tid-bits, such
as the larger carnivora, may be described as glutenous. Much has been
written of the creature, but a glance at his enormous volume will give a
truer idea of him than anything that has ever issued from the press.
He serves the body of an animal, before devouring it, as mercenary
politicians serve the body politic--crushing it with many Rings. By the
keepers of menageries he is often called the Boa _Constructor_, but the
name more aptly applies to the Furrier who simulates his shape on a
small scale; the creature having no mechanical skill whatever.
Occasionally, from some branch that overhangs a _Nullah_, he will drop
down on the thirsty eland or hartbeest, rendering resistance a Nullity;
but his favorite game is fighting the tiger, at which, unlike the human
species, he always wins when in the vein for that kind of sport. All the
beasts of the jungle fear him--the wolf feeling no disposition to seek
his folds, and the leopard frequently changing his spots to avoid him.
Whatever his quarry may be, its sands are soon run out.
The Boa, like other gourmands, is fond of gourmand-ease. After having
put a victim through the mill and bolted him for a meal, the monster may
be discovered (or he may not) on some knoll in the forest, indulging in
somnolency. He can then be assailed with safety, but as his breath is a
horrible fetor, a spice (of caution) should be used in approaching him.
The windward side is best. As he lies limber, smelling like Limburger,
a hatchet will be found a first-chop weapon of assault. The Hindoos,
however, generally double him up with Creeses. Cutting off the
creature's tail, just behind the jaws, is a pretty sure way to
ex-terminate him. There are on record several instances of Boas having
been despatched in this way by Ruthless adventurers.
The reptile abounds in Ceylon, and is considered a delicacy by the
Cingalese, but the civilized stomach would probably find Double Ease in
letting it alone. _Cotelette de Constrictor_, however pleasant to the
Pagan palate, would scarcely go down with a Christian.
High old stories of the Boa have been obtained by travellers, from the
Asiatics. They resemble those of the fabled dragon and hippogriff, and
as they generally relate to the ravaging of whole districts by the
voracious monster, a heap o' grief is connected with some of them. The
gum-game, however, is much in vogue in India, and most of these snake
stories may be characterized as India Rubbish.
The great Boa is a native of Southern Africa as well as of Asia, and is
much dreaded by all the Dutch Boers. The creature is reported to have
been seen in crossing the interior deserts, but this is believed to be
a fiction invented in the Caravans. In Congo there is a small species a
few sizes larger than the Conger eel, while in the section of country
visited by CUMMING the Boa is the biggest serpent Going.
There are stupendous snakes in the islands of the Indian Archipelago,
and a Yankee skipper who lived a year among the natives informs us that
he "once saw some arter a boa in Sumatra." The skipper, however, is a
small joker, and always ready to Sacrifice Truth on the Alter Ego of a
miserable pun. A vile habit this, but one that it is to be feared will
never be abandoned.
The skin of the Boa is rarely embroidered with purple and gold, but,
like many a priestly hypocrite, he hides under the livery of heaven the
instincts of the Devil. And so we dismiss him.
BITTER SARCASM
Canadians pronounce the sacred word "Sunburst" "Shunburst."
[Illustration: THE WEDDING RING, AS SOKOSIS WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT WORN.]
[ILLUSTRATION Description: Woman in Victorian dress with a small,
free-running dog on her left holding a leash in her right hand which
connects to a top-hatted man's nose ring. A sign behind them reads
"Socuety for the prevention of cruelty to husbands $500 fine"] [blank
page] [Illustration]
CONDENSED CONGRESS.
SENATE.
Ind-Hearted Mr. CHANDLER had a proposition "which would restore American
commerce to its former footing." It was simply to annex San Domingo,
Cuba, and Canada. He repudiated with scorn and disgust the insinuation
that he proposed to pay anything for them. That was foreign to his
nature. He meant merely to take them. By this means they would not only
restore American commerce--he din't profess to know exactly how--but
they would inflict a deadly blow upon haughty England. At this point Mr.
CHANDLER became incoherent, the only intelligible remark which reached
the reporters, being that he could "lick" Queen VICTORIA single-handed.
Mr. SUMNER remarked that a war with England would be costly.
Mr. CHANDLER declined to accept any suggestion from a man who went to
diplomatic dinners, and consorted with Englishmen. He had been told that
at these dinners, to which he was proud to say he had never gone, and to
which, while the custom of issuing invitations prevailed, he never
would go, Mr. SUMNER ate with his fork. Such a man could not be a true
American.
Mr. MORRILL introduced a bill to increase the mileage of members.
Notoriously, he observed, the mileage of members was scandalously small.
He knew that the self-sacrificing nature of the senators would delight
to pay this tribute to the fidelity of themselves, and the equally
deserving public servants of the other house. Passed with acclamations.
A resolution was introduced to appropriate a few millions towards the
discovery of the North Pole.
Mr. SAULSBURY said--Whazyoose?
Mr. SUMNER explained that it would be a good thing for science.
Mr. COLE explained that it would be an enormous thing for fishermen.
Mr. YATES explained that it would be a vast thing for "cobblers."
Mr. SAULSBURY said--Ah, B'gthing on Ice.
Mr. MORRILL moved to extend the Capitol grounds to the next lot.
Mr. YATES moved to extend them to Chicago.
Mr. MORTON moved to extend them to Indianapolis.
Mr. CHANDLER wildly shrieked Detroit.
Mr. SUMNER faintly murmured Boston.
HOUSE.
Somebody introduced a bill to pension the soldiers of 1812. Somebody
else wanted to amend it by providing that no soldier of 1812 who aided
and comforted the recent rebellion should get any pension.
Even Mr. BUTLER showed gleams of good feeling. He said that the lot of
these men was hard. They were liable to be brought out upon platforms
every Fourth of July, and obliged to sit and blink under patriotic
eloquence for hours. It was their dreadful lot subsequently to eat
public dinners in country taverns, which brought their gray hairs down
in sorrow and indigestion to the grave. The notion of these senile and
patriotic duffers aiding and comforting the rebellion was preposterous.
Their eyes purged thick amber and plum-tree gum, and they had no notion
of doing anything but drawing their pensions, and getting three meals a
day, with a horrible fourth on the glorious Fourth.
Mr. LOGAN said this position was outrageous. He knew that some of these
hoary wretches in his own district were so fully in sympathy with the
rebellion as actually to refuse to vote for him, when carriages were
sent to convey them to the polls. Such men ought not to receive a
dollar.
Mr. BUTLER not only reaffirmed his previous statements, but reintroduced
his resolution to annex Dominica.
Mr. KELLEY desired to abolish the income tax. He said that some of his
most influential constituents disliked it. They would not pay. To lie
they were ashamed. If a sufficient tariff were put upon pig-iron there
would be no need of providing for this petty Tacks.
Mr. BUTLER was in favor of the abolition of the tax. It had never seen
anything but a tax on paper, and it was not worth a paper of tacks.
But he considered the most feasible method of reducing it was to annex
Dominica, and he introduced a resolution to that effect. As his friend
KELLEY had suggested, if they did not remove the tax, their constituents
would remove them. He did not consider it practicable, however, to bring
a movement to abolish the tacks on the carpet until Dominica should be
ours.
FURTHER OF MYTHOLOGY.
DIANA. This goddess was generally admitted to be the most intellectual
and disagreeable of the whole divine Sisterhood. Among the Greeks the
popular estimate of her character was shown by the name of "Artful
Miss"--afterwards corrupted to ARTEMIS--which they gave to her. She was
an eminently strong-minded goddess, and insisted upon her right to adopt
the habits of the other sex. Among them was the practice of hunting, of
which she was passionately fond. Indeed, it was from her devotion to the
pleasures of the chase that she obtained the epithet of the "Chased"
DIANA--wild boars, and such like ungallant brutes, sometimes annoying
her by refusing to be chased themselves, and by chasing her instead.
There are those who pretend to think that "chaste," instead of "chased,"
was really the original epithet, and that it was given to her as a
recognition of the aggressive and malignant virtue which distinguishes
most strong-minded women who are old and yet unmarried. The obvious
absurdity of this theory will, however, be evident to any one who
remembers her little flirtation with ENDYMION, whom she cruelly led from
the paths of innocence, only to abandon him on the hills of Latmos,
where he contracted the chills and fever by fruitlessly watching for her
at night in the open field. A characteristic piece of ill-temper was her
treatment of young ACTÆON. The latter, who was a respectable, though
rather reckless young man, was once walking along the beach, when he
suddenly came upon DIANA and several female friends in the act of taking
the surf. Envious to behold the extremes of boniness, which then, as
now, doubtless characterized the strong-minded females, he concealed
himself in a neighboring bathing-house, and brought his opera-glass
to bear on the group. He was, however, discovered, and DIANA and her
friends were so indignant at being seen without their false teeth and
false "fronts," that the former deliberately set her dogs on him, who
tore him into imperceptible fragments so small that no coroner could
possibly find enough of him in order to hold an inquest. Of course
ACTÆON'S conduct cannot be defended, but then his punishment was
altogether too severe. There is every reason to suppose that DIANA
wanted some one to accidentally notice her proficiency in swimming, else
why should she have chosen a place of popular resort for her bath? And
then the simple nudity in which she was surprised was not nearly as
suggestive as the peculiar costumes in which our fashionable ladies
now-a-days enter the surf in the presence of admiring crowds. However,
ideas change with successive ages, and what we now consider perfectly
proper would probably have brought any quantity of blushes to the cheek
of the young person of Athens or Rome. Among the Olympians DIANA was a
common scold, and made herself as disagreeable to the goddesses as to
the gods. Since she ceased to be openly worshipped she has been in a
measure forgotten among men, but the strong-minded women still regard
her with love and reverence, and it is understood that her statue,
together with a painting representing her in the act of setting the
dogs on ACTÆON, are among the most prominent decorations of the Sorosis
Club-room and the _Revolution_ office.
Historical
Coney Island is celebrated for the saltness of its waters and the
leathery qualities of its clams. This island is said to have been so
named on account of its resemblance in shape to an inverted cone, but
the attrition of the ocean has materially changed the conic base.
Researches in the direction of the apex have not been made recently.
Patentee Wanted.
The heavy hebdomadals complain that the style of the communications sent
them is too diffuse. The "talented" contributor is adjured to condense.
There is an apparatus, we believe, for condensing the article called
milk, but who will devise a machine for condensing the milk-and-water
article? A fortune awaits the genius of the inventor.
THE HOLY GRAIL AND OTHER POEMS.
(This Is one of the other Poems.)
BY A HALF-RED DENIZEN OF THE WEST.