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[Illustration: Eugene Field]
HOOSIER
LYRICS
BY
EUGENE FIELD
AUTHOR OF
THE CLINK OF THE ICE, JOHN SMITH,
U. S. A., IN WINK-A-WAY-LAND, ETC.
M. A. DONOHUE & COMPANY
CHICAGO, ILL.
SELECTED WORKS _of_ EUGENE FIELD
_Uniform with this volume_
The Clink of the Ice
Hoosier Lyrics
In Wink-a-Way Land
John Smith, U. S. A.
_Four volumes, boxed, $3.00_
_Single volumes, 75 cents, postpaid_
M. A. DONOHUE & CO.
701-727 S. DEARBORN ST. CHICAGO
Copyright, 1905
M. A. Donohue & Co.
INTRODUCTION.
From whatever point of view the character of Eugene Field is seen,
genius--rare and quaint presents itself in childlike simplicity. That he
was a poet of keen perception, of rare discrimination, all will admit.
He was a humorist as delicate and fanciful as Artemus Ward, Mark Twain,
Bill Nye, James Whitcomb Riley, Opie Read, or Bret Harte in their
happiest moods. Within him ran a poetic vein, capable of being worked in
any direction, and from which he could, at will, extract that which his
imagination saw and felt most. That he occasionally left the
child-world, in which he longed to linger, to wander among the older
children of men, where intuitively the hungry listener follows him into
his Temple of Mirth, all should rejoice, for those who knew him not, can
while away the moments imbibing the genius of his imagination in the
poetry and prose here presented.
Though never possessing an intimate acquaintanceship with Field, owing
largely to the disparity in our ages, still there existed a bond of
friendliness that renders my good opinion of him in a measure
trustworthy. Born in the same city, both students in the same college,
engaged at various times in newspaper work both in St. Louis and
Chicago, residents of the same ward, with many mutual friends, it is not
surprising that I am able to say of him that "the world is better off
that he lived, not in gold and silver or precious jewels, but in the
bestowal of priceless truths, of which the possessor of this book
becomes a benefactor of no mean share of his estate."
Every lover of Field, whether of the songs of childhood or the poems
that lend mirth to the out-pouring of his poetic nature, will welcome
this unique collection of his choicest wit and humor.
CHARLES WALTER Brown.
Chicago, January, 1905.
CONTENTS.
PAGE.
Hoosier Lyrics Paraphrased 9
Gettin' On 14
Minnie Lee 16
Answer to Minnie Lee 17
Lizzie 18
Our Lady of the Mine 20
Penn-Yan Bill 25
Ed 31
How Salty Win Out 33
His Queen 36
Answer to His Queen 37
Alaskan Balladry--Skans in Love 38
The Biggest Fish 39
Bonnie Jim Campbell 42
Lyman, Frederick and Jim 44
A Wail 46
Clendenin's Lament 48
On the Wedding of G. C. 49
To G. C. 51
To Dr. F. W. R. 52
Horace's Ode to "Lydia" Roche 54
A Paraphrase, Circa 1715 56
A Paraphrase, Ostensibly by Dr. I. W. 57
Horace I., 27 58
Heine's "Widow or Daughter" 59
Horace II., 20 60
Horace's Spring Poem, Odes I., 4 62
Horace to Ligurine, Odes IV., 10 64
Horace on His Muscle, Epode VI. 65
Horace to Maecenas, Odes III., 29 66
Horace in Love Again, Epode XI. 68
"Good-By--God Bless You!" 70
Horace, Epode XIV. 72
Horace I., 23 74
A Paraphrase 75
A Paraphrase by Chaucer 76
Horace I., 5 77
Horace I., 20 78
Envoy 78
Horace II., 7 79
Horace I., 11 81
Horace I., 13 82
Horace IV., 1 83
Horace to His Patron 85
The "Ars Poetica" of Horace--XVIII. 87
Horace I., 34 88
Horace I., 33 89
The "Ars Poetica" of Horace I. 91
The Great Journalist in Spain 93
Reid, the Candidate 95
A Valentine 97
Kissing-Time 98
The Fifth of July 100
Picnic-Time 101
The Romance of a Watch 103
Our Baby 104
The Color that Suits Me Best 106
How to "Fill" 108
Politics in 1888 109
The Baseball Score 110
Chicago Newspaper Life 112
The Mighty West 114
April 116
Report of the Baseball Game 118
The Rose 120
Kansas City vs. Detroit 121
Me and Bilkammle 122
To the Detroit Baseball Club 124
A Ballad of Ancient Oaths 125
An Old Song Revised 128
The Grateful Patient 130
The Beginning and the End 131
Clare Market 133
Uncle Ephraim 135
Thirty-Nine 138
Horace I., 18 141
Three Rineland Drinking Songs 143
The Three Tailors 147
Morning Hymn 150
Doctors 151
Ben Apfelgarten 155
In Holland 158
HOOSIER LYRICS PARAPHRASED.
We've come from Indiany, five hundred miles or more,
Supposin' we wuz goin' to get the nominashin, shore;
For Col. New assured us (in that noospaper o' his)
That we cud hev the airth, if we'd only tend to biz.
But here we've been a-slavin' more like bosses than like men
To diskiver that the people do not hanker arter Ben;
It _is_ fur Jeems G. Blaine an' _not_ for Harrison they shout--
And the gobble-uns 'el git us
Ef we
Don't
Watch
Out!
* * * * *
When I think of the fate that is waiting for Ben,
I pine for the peace of my childhood again;
I wish in my sorrow I could strip to the soul
And hop off once more in the old swimmin' hole!
* * * * *
The world is full of roses, and the roses full of dew
(Which is another word for soup) that drips for me and you.
* * * * *
"Little Benjy! Little Benjy!" chirps the robin in the tree;
"Little Benjy!" sighs the clover, "Little Benjy!" moans the bee;
"Little Benjy! Little Benjy!" murmurs John C. New,
A-stroking down the whiskers which the winds have whistled through.
* * * * *
Looks jest like his grampa, who's dead these many years--
He wears the hat his grampa wore, pulled down below his ears;
We'd like to have him four years more, but if he cannot stay--
Nothin' to say, good people; nothin' at all to say!
* * * * *
There, little Ben, don't cry!
They have busted your boom, I know;
And the second term
For which you squirm
Has gone where good niggers go!
But Blaine is safe, and the goose hangs high--
There, little Ben, don't cry!
* * * * *
Mabbe we'll git even for this unexpected shock,
When the frost is on the pumpkin and the fodder's in the shock!
* * * * *
Oh, the newspaper man! He works for paw;
He's the liveliest critter 'at ever you saw;
With whiskers 'at reach f'om his eyes to his throat.
He knows how to wheedle and rivet a vote;
He wunst wuz a consul 'way over the sea--
But never again a consul he'll be!
He come back f'om Lon'on one mornin' in May--
He come back for bizness, an' here he will stay--
Ain't he a awful slick newspaper man?
A newspaper, newspaper, newspaper man!
* * * * *
You kin talk about yer cities where the politicians meet--
You kin talk about yer cities where a decent man gits beat;
With the general run o' human kind I beg to disagree--
The little town of Tailholt is good enough f'r me!
Chicago was a pleasant town in eighteen-eighty-eight,
And I have lived in Washington long time in splendid state;
But all the present prospects are that after ninety-three
The little town o' Tailholt 'll be good enough f'r me!
* * * * *
"I wunst lived in Indiany," said a consul, gaunt and grim,
As most of us Blaine delegates wuz kind o' guyin' him;
"I wunst lived in Indiany, and my views wuz widely read,
Fur I run a daily paper w'ich 'Lije Halford edited;
But since I've been away f'm home, my paper (seems to me)
Ain't nearly such a inflooence ez wot it used to be;
So, havin' done with consulin', I'm goin' to make a break
Towards making of a paper like the one I used to make."
* * * * *
Think, if you kin, of his term mos' through,
An' that ol' man wantin' a secon' term, too;
Picture him bendin' over the form
Of his consul-gineril, stanch an' grim,
Who has stood the brunt of that jimblain storm--
An' that ol' man jest wrapt up in him!
An' the consul-gineril, with eyes all bleared
An' a haunted look in his ashen beard,
Kind o' gaspin' a feeble way--
But soothed to hear the ol' man say
In a meaning tone (as one well may
When words are handy and ----'s to pay):
"Good-by, John; take care of yo'_self_!"
GETTIN' ON.
When I wuz somewhat younger,
I wuz reckoned purty gay--
I had my fling at everything
In a rollickin', coltish way,
But times have strangely altered
Since sixty years ago--
This age of steam an' things don't seem
Like the age I used to know,
Your modern innovations
Don't suit me, I confess,
As did the ways of the good ol' days--
But I'm gettin' on, I guess.
I set on the piazza
An' hitch around with the sun--
Sometimes, mayhap, I take a nap,
Waitin' till school is done,
An' then I tell the children
The things I done in youth,
An' near as I can (as a venerable man)
I stick to the honest truth!
But the looks of them 'at listen
Seems sometimes to express
The remote idee that I'm gone--you see!
An' I am gettin' on, I guess.
I get up in the mornin',
An' nothin' else to do,
Before the rest are up and dressed
I read the papers through;
I hang 'round with the women
All day an' hear 'em talk,
An' while they sew or knit I show
The baby how to walk;
An' somehow, I feel sorry
When they put away his dress
An' cut his curls ('cause they're like a girl's)--
I'm gettin' on, I guess!
Sometimes, with twilight round me,
I see (or seem to see)
A distant shore where friends of yore
Linger and watch for me;
Sometimes I've heered 'em callin'
So tenderlike 'nd low
That it almost seemed like a dream I dreamed,
Or an echo of long ago;
An' sometimes on my forehead
There falls a soft caress,
Or the touch of a hand--you understand--
I'm gettin' on, I guess.
MINNIE LEE.
Writing from an Indiana town a young woman asks: "Is the enclosed poem
worth anything?"
We find that the poem is as follows:
She has left us, our own darling--
And we never more shall see
Here on earth our dearly loved one--
God has taken Minnie Lee.
Her heart was full of goodness
And her face was fair to see
And her life was full of beauty--
How we miss our Minnie Lee!
But her work on earth is over
And her spirit now is free
She has gone to live in heaven--
Shall we weep for Minnie Lee?
Would we call our angel darling
Back again across the sea?
No! but sometime up in heaven
We will meet loved Minnie Lee.
To the question as to whether this poem is worth anything we chose to
answer in verse as follows:
Sweet poetess, your poetry
Is bad as bad can be,
And yet we heartily deplore
The death of Minnie Lee.
It would have pleased us better
If, in His wisdom, He
Had taken you, sweet poetess,
Instead of Minnie Lee.
Your turn will come, however,
And swift and sure 'twill be
If you continue sending
Your rhymes on Minnie Lee.
From this we hope you will gather
A dim surmise that we
Don't take much stock in poems
Concerning Minnie Lee.
LIZZIE.
I wonder ef all wimmin air
Like Lizzie is when we go out
To theaters an' concerts where
Is things the papers talk about.
Do other wimmin fret and stew
Like they wuz bein' crucified--
Frettin' a show or a concert through,
With wonderin' ef the baby cried?
Now Lizzie knows that gran'ma's there
To see that everything is right,
Yet Lizzie thinks that gran'ma's care
Ain't good enuf f'r baby, quite;
Yet what am I to answer when
She kind uv fidgets at my side,
An' every now and then;
"I wonder ef the baby cried?"
Seems like she seen two little eyes
A-pinin' f'r their mother's smile--
Seems like she heern the pleadin' cries
Uv one she thinks uv all the while;
An' she's sorry that she come,
'An' though she allus tries to hide
The truth, she'd ruther stay to hum
Than wonder ef the baby cried.
Yes, wimmin folks is all alike--
By Lizzie you kin jedge the rest.
There never was a little tyke,
But that his mother loved him best,
And nex' to bein' what I be--
The husband of my gentle bride--
I'd wisht I wuz that croodlin' wee,
With Lizzie wonderin' ef I cried.
OUR LADY OF THE MINE.
The Blue Horizon wuz a mine us fellers all thought well uv,
And there befell the episode I now perpose to tell uv;
'Twuz in the year of sixty-nine--somewhere along in summer--
There hove in sight one afternoon a new and curious comer;
His name wuz Silas Pettibone--an artist by perfession,
With a kit of tools and a big mustache and a pipe in his possession;
He told us, by our leave, he'd kind uv like to make some sketches
Uv the snowy peaks, 'nd the foamin' crick, 'nd the distant mountain
stretches;
"You're welkim, sir," sez we, although this scenery dodge seemed to us
A waste uv time where scenery wuz already sooper-_floo_-us.
All through the summer Pettibone kep' busy at his sketchin'--
At daybreak, off for Eagle Pass, and home at nightfall, fetchin'
That everlastin' book uv his with spider lines all through it--
Three-Fingered Hoover used to say there warn't no meanin' to it--
"God durn a man," sez he to him, "whose shif'less hand is sot at
A-drawin' hills that's full of quartz that's pinin' to be got at!"
"Go on," sez Pettibone, "go on, if joshin' gratifies ye,
But one uv these fine times, I'll show ye sumthin' will surprise ye!"
The which remark led us to think--although he didn't say it--
That Pettibone wuz owin' us a gredge 'nd meant to pay it.
One evenin' as we sat around the restauraw de Casey,
A-singin' songs 'nd tellin' yarns the which wuz sumwhat racy,
In come that feller Pettibone 'nd sez: "With your permission
I'd like to put a picture I have made on exhibition."
He sot the picture on the bar 'nd drew aside its curtain,
Sayin': "I recken you'll allow as how _that's_ art, f'r certain!"
And then we looked, with jaws agape, but nary word wuz spoken,
And f'r a likely spell the charm uv silence wuz unbroken--
Till presently, as in a dream, remarked Three-Fingered Hoover:
"Onless I am mistaken, this is Pettibone's shef doover!"
It wuz a face, a human face--a woman's, fair 'nd tender,
Sot gracefully upon a neck white as a swan's, and slender;
The hair wuz kind of sunny, 'nd the eyes wuz sort uv dreamy,
The mouth wuz half a-smilin', 'nd the cheeks wuz soft 'nd creamy;
It seemed like she wuz lookin' off into the west out yonder,
And seemed like, while she looked, we saw her eyes grow softer,
fonder--
Like, lookin' off into the west where mountain mists wuz fallin',
She saw the face she longed to see and heerd his voice a-callin';
"Hooray!" we cried; "a woman in the camp uv Blue Horizon--
Step right up, Colonel Pettibone, 'nd nominate your pizen!"
A curious situation--one deservin' uv your pity--
No human, livin' female thing this side of Denver City!
But jest a lot uv husky men that lived on sand 'nd bitters--
Do you wonder that that woman's face consoled the lonesome critters?
And not a one but what it served in some way to remind him
Of a mother or a sister or a sweetheart left behind him--
And some looked back on happier days and saw the old-time faces
And heerd the dear familiar sounds in old familiar places--
A gracious touch of home--"Look here," sez Hoover, "ever'body
Quit thinkin' 'nd perceed at oncet to name his favorite toddy!"
It wuzn't long afore the news had spread the country over,
And miners come a-flockin' in like honey bees to clover;
It kind uv did 'em good they said, to feast their hungry eyes on
That picture uv Our Lady in the camp uv Blue Horizon.
But one mean cuss from Nigger Crick passed criticisms on 'er--
Leastwise we overheerd him call her Pettibone's madonner,
The which we did not take to be respectful to a lady--
So we hung him in a quiet spot that wuz cool 'nd dry 'nd shady;
Which same might not have been good law, but it _wuz_ the right
maneuver
To give the critics due respect for Pettibone's shef doover.
Gone is the camp--yes, years ago, the Blue Horizon busted,
And every mother's son uv us got up one day 'nd dusted,
While Pettibone perceeded east with wealth in his possession
And went to Yurrup, as I heerd, to study his perfession;
So, like as not, you'll find him now a-paintin' heads 'nd faces
At Venus, Billy Florence and the like I-talyun places--
But no such face he'll paint again as at old Blue Horizon,
For I'll allow no sweeter face no human soul sot eyes on;
And when the critics talk so grand uv Paris 'nd the loover,
I say: "Oh, but you orter seen the Pettibone shef doover!"
PENN-YAN BILL.
I.
In gallus old Kentucky, where the grass is very blue,
Where the liquor is the smoothest and the girls are fair and true,
Where the crop of he-gawd gentlemen is full of heart and sand,
And the stock of four-time winners is the finest in the land;
Where the democratic party in bourbon hardihood
For more than half a century unterrified has stood,
Where nod the black-eyed Susans to the prattle of the rill--
There--there befell the wooing of Penn-Yan Bill.
II.
Down yonder in the cottage that is nestling in the shade
Of the walnut trees that seem to love that quiet little glade
Abides a pretty maiden of the bonny name of Sue--
As pretty as the black-eyed flow'rs and quite as modest, too;
And lovers came there by the score, of every age and kind,
But not a one (the story goes) was quite to Susie's mind.
Their sighs, their protestations, and their pleadings made her ill--
Till at once upon the scene hove Penn-Yan Bill.
III.
He came from old Montana and he rode a broncho mare,
He had a rather howd'y'do and rough-and-tumble air;
His trousers were of buckskin and his coat of furry stuff--
His hat was drab of color and its brim was wide enough;
Upon each leg a stalwart boot reached just above the knee,
And in the belt about his waist his weepons carried he;
A rather strapping lover for our little Susie--still,
_She_ was _his_ choice and _he_ was _hers_, was Penn-Yan Bill.
IV.
We wonder that the ivy seeks out the oaken tree,
And twines her tendrils round him, though scarred and gnarled he be;
We wonder that a gentle girl, unused to worldly cares,
Should choose a man whose life has been a constant scrap with bears;
Ah, 'tis the nature of the vine, and of the maiden, too--
So when the bold Montana boy came from his lair to woo,
The fair Kentucky blossom felt all her heartstrings thrill
Responsive to the purring of Penn-Yan Bill.
V.
He told her of his cabin in the mountains far away,
Of the catamount that howls by night, the wolf that yawps by day;
He told her of the grizzly with the automatic jaw,
He told her of the Injun who devours his victims raw;
Of the jayhawk with his tawdry crest and whiskers in his throat,
Of the great gosh-awful sarpent and the Rocky mountain goat.
A book as big as Shakespeare's or as Webster's you could fill
With the yarns that emanated from Penn-Yan Bill!
VI.
Lo, as these mighty prodigies the westerner relates,
Her pretty mouth falls wide agape--her eyes get big as plates;
And when he speaks of varmints that in the Rockies grow
She shudders and she clings to him and timidly cries "Oh!"
And then says he: "Dear Susie, I'll tell you what to do--
You be my wife, and none of these 'ere things dare pester you!"
And she? She answers, clinging close and trembling yet: "I will."
And then he gives her one big kiss, does Penn-Yan Bill.
VII.
Avaunt, ye poet lovers, with your wishywashy lays!
Avaunt, ye solemn pedants, with your musty, bookish ways!
Avaunt, ye smurking dandies who air your etiquette
Upon the gold your fathers worked so long and hard to get!
How empty is your nothingness beside the sturdy tales
Which mountaineers delight to tell of border hills and vales--
Of snaix that crawl, of beasts that yowl, of birds that flap and trill
In the wild egregious altitude of Penn-Yan Bill.
VIII.
Why, over all these mountain peaks his honest feet have trod--
So high above the rest of us he seemed to walk with God;
He's breathed the breath of heaven, as it floated, pure and free,
From the everlasting snow-caps to the mighty western sea;
And he's heard that awful silence which thunders in the ear:
"There is a great Jehovah, and His biding place is here!"
These--these solemn voices and these the sights that thrill
In the far-away Montana of Penn-Yan Bill.
IX.
Of course she had to love him, for it was her nature to;
And she'll wed him in the summer, if all we hear be true.
The blue grass will be waving in that cool Kentucky glade
Where the black-eyed Susans cluster in the pleasant walnut shade--
Where the doves make mournful music and the locust trills a song
To the brook that through the pasture scampers merrily along;
And speechless pride and rapture ineffable shall fill
The beatific bosom of Penn-Yan Bill!
ED.
Ed was a man that played for keeps, 'nd when he tuk the notion,
You cudn't stop him any more'n a dam 'ud stop the ocean;
For when he tackled to a thing 'nd sot his mind plum to it,
You bet yer boots he done that thing though it broke the bank to do
it!
So all us boys uz knowed him best allowed he wusn't jokin'
When on a Sunday he remarked uz how he'd gin up smokin'.
Now this remark, that Ed let fall, fell, ez I say, on Sunday--
Which is the reason we wuz shocked to see him sail in Monday
A-puffin' at a snipe that sizzled like a Chinese cracker
An' smelt fur all the world like rags instead uv like terbacker;
Recoverin' from our first surprise, us fellows fell to pokin'
A heap uv fun at "folks uz said how they had gin up smokin'."
But Ed--sez he: "I found my work cud not be done without it--
Jes' try the scheme yourself, my friends, ef any uv you doubt it!
It's hard, I know, upon one's health, but there's a certain beauty
In makin' sackerfices to the stern demand uv duty!
So, wholly in a sperrit uv denial 'nd concession
I mortify the flesh 'nd fur the sake uv my perfession!"
HOW SALTY WIN OUT.
Used to think that luck wuz luck and nuthin' else but luck--
It made no diff'rence how or when or where or why it struck;
But sev'ral years ago I changt my mind and now proclaim
That luck's a kind uv science--same as any other game;
It happened out in Denver in the spring uv '80, when
Salty teched a humpback an' win out ten.
Salty wuz a printer in the good ol' Tribune days,
An', natural-like, he fell in love with the good ol' Tribune ways;
So, every Sunday evenin' he would sit into the game
Which in this crowd uv thoroughbreds I think I need not name;
An' there he'd sit until he rose, an', when he rose he wore
Invariably less wealth about his person than before.
But once there come a powerful change; one sollum Sunday night
Occurred the tidle wave what put ol' Salty out o' sight!
He win on deuce an' ace an' jack--he win on king an' queen--
Cliff Bill allowed the like uv how he win wuz never seen!
An' how he done it wuz revealed to all us fellers when
He said he teched a humpback to win out ten.
There must be somethin' in it for he never win afore,
An' when he tole the crowd about the humpback, how they swore!
For every sport allows it is a losin' game to buck
Agin the science of a man who's teched a hump f'r luck;
An' there is no denyin' luck was nowhere in it when
Salty teched a humpback an' win out ten.
I've had queer dreams an' seen queer things, an' allus tried to do
The thing that luck apparrently intended f'r me to;
Cats, funerils, cripples, beggars have I treated with regard,
An' charity subscriptions have hit me powerful hard;
But what's the use uv talkin'? I say, an' say again;
You've got to tech a humpback to win out ten!
So, though I used to think that luck wuz lucky, I'll allow
That luck, for luck, agin a hump ain't nowhere in it now!
An' though I can't explain the whys an' wherefores, I maintain
There must be somethin' in it when the tip's so straight an' plain;
For I wuz there an' seen it, an' got full with Salty when
Salty teched a humpback and win out ten!
HIS QUEEN.
Our gifted and genial friend, Mr. William J. Florence, the comedian,
takes to verses as naturally as a canvas-back duck takes to celery
sauce. As a balladist he has few equals and no superiors, and when it
comes to weaving compliments to the gentler sex he is without a peer. We
find in the New York Mirror the latest verses from Mr. Florence's pen;
they are entitled "Pasadene," and the first stanza flows in this wise:
I've journeyed East, I've journeyed West,
And fair Italia's fields I've seen;
But I declare
None can compare
With thee, my rose-crowned Pasadene.
Following this introduction come five stanzas heaping even more glowing
compliments upon this Miss Pasadene--whoever she may be--we know her
not. They are handsome compliments, beautifully phrased, yet they give
us the heartache, for we know Mrs. Florence, and it grieves us to see
her husband dribbling away his superb intellect in penning verses to
other women. Yet we think we understand it all; these poets have a
pretty way of hymning the virtues of their wives under divers aliases.
So, catching the afflatus of the genial actor-poet's muse, we would
answer:
Come, now, who is this Pasadene
That such a whirl of praises warrant?
And is a rose
Her only clo'es?
Oh, fie upon you, Billy Florence!
Ah, no; that's your poetic way
Of turning loose your rhythmic torrents--
This Pasadene
Is not your queen--
We know you know we know it, Florence!
So sing your songs of women folks--
We'll read without the least abhorrence,
Because we know
Through weal and woe
Your queen is Mrs. Billy Florence!
ALASKAN BALLADRY.--III.
(Skans in Love.)
I am like the wretched seal
Wounded by a barbed device--
Helpless fellow! how I bellow,
Floundering on the jagged ice!
Sitka's beauty is the steel
That hath wrought this piteous woe:
Yet would I rather die
Than recover from the blow!
Still I'd rather live than die,
Grievous though my torment be;
Smite away, but, I pray,
Smite no victim else than me!
THE BIGGEST FISH.
When, in the halcyon days of old, I was a little tyke,
I used to fish in pickerel ponds for minnows and the like;
And, oh, the bitter sadness with which my soul was fraught
When I rambled home at nightfall with the puny string I'd caught!
And, oh, the indignation and the valor I'd display
When I claimed that all the biggest fish I'd caught had got away!
Sometimes it was the rusty hooks, sometimes the fragile lines,
And many times the treacherous reeds were actually to blame.
I kept right on at losing all the monsters just the same--
I never lost a _little_ fish--yes, I am free to say
It always was the _biggest_ fish I caught that got away.
And so it was, when, later on, I felt ambition pass
From callow minnow joys to nobler greed for pike and bass;
I found it quite convenient, when the beauties wouldn't bite
And I returned all bootless from the watery chase at night,
To feign a cheery aspect and recount in accents gay
How the biggest fish that I had caught had somehow got away.
And, really, fish look bigger than they are before they're caught--
When the pole is bent into a bow and the slender line is taut,
When a fellow feels his heart rise up like a doughnut in his throat
And he lunges in a frenzy up and down the leaky boat!
Oh, you who've been a-fishing will indorse me when I say
That it always _is_ the biggest fish you catch that gets away!
'Tis even so in other things--yes, in our greedy eyes
The biggest boon is some elusive, never-captured prize;
We angle for the honors and the sweets of human life--
Like fishermen we brave the seas that roll in endless strife;
And then at last, when all is done and we are spent and gray,
We own the biggest fish we've caught are those that get away.
I would not have it otherwise; 'tis better there should be
Much bigger fish than I have caught a-swimming in the sea;
For now some worthier one than I may angle for that game--
May by his arts entice, entrap, and comprehend the same;
Which, having done, perchance he'll bless the man who's proud to say
That the biggest fish he ever caught were those that got away.
BONNIE JIM CAMPBELL: A LEGISLATIVE MEMORY.
Bonnie Jim Campbell rode up the glen,
But it wasn't to meet the butterine men;
It wasn't Phil Armour he wanted to see,
Nor Haines nor Crafts--though their friend was he.
Jim Campbell was guileless as man could be--
No fraud in his heart had he;
'Twas all on account of his character's sake
That he sought that distant Wisconsin lake.
* * * * *
Bonnie Jim Campbell came riding home,
And now he sits in the rural gloam;
A tear steals furtively down his nose
As salt as the river that yonder flows;
To the setting sun and the rising moon
He plaintively warbles the good old tune:
"Of all the drinks that ever were made--
From sherbet to circus lemonade--
Not one's so healthy and sweet, I vow,
As the rich, thick cream of the Elgin cow!
Oh, that she were here to enliven the scene,
Right merry would be our hearts, I ween;
Then, then again, Bob Wilbanks and I
Would take it by turns and milk her dry!
We would stuff her paunch with the best of hay
And milk her a hundred times a day!"
'Tis thus that Bonnie Jim Campbell sings--
A young he-angel with sprouting wings;
He sings and he prays that Fate'll allow
Him one more whack at the Elgin cow!
LYMAN, FREDERICK AND JIM.
Lyman and Frederick and Jim, one day,
Set out in a great big ship--
Steamed to the ocean down to the bay
Out of a New York slip.
"Where are you going and what is your game?"
The people asked to those three.
"Darned, if we know; but all the same
Happy as larks are we;
And happier still we're going to be!"
Said Lyman
And Frederick
And Jim.
The people laughed "Aha, oho!
Oho, aha!" laughed they;
And while those three went sailing so
Some pirates steered that way.
The pirates they were laughing, too--
The prospect made them glad;
But by the time the job was through
Each of them pirates bold and bad,
Had been done out of all he had
By Lyman
And Frederick
And Jim.
Days and weeks and months they sped,
Painting that foreign clime
A beautiful, bright vermillion red--
And having a -- of a time!
'Twas all so gaudy a lark, it seemed,
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought it a dream they dreamed
Of sailing that foreign sea,
But I'll identify you these three--
Lyman
And Frederick
And Jim.
Lyman and Frederick are bankers and sich
And Jim is an editor kind;
The first two named are awfully rich
And Jim ain't far behind!
So keep your eyes open and mind your tricks,
Or you are like to be
In quite as much of a Tartar fix
As the pirates that sailed the sea
And monkeyed with the pardners three,
Lyman
And Frederick
And Jim.
A WAIL.
My name is Col. Johncey New,
And by a hoosier's grace
I have congenial work to do
At 12 St. Helen's place.
I was as happy as a clam
A-floating with the tide,
Till one day came a cablegram
To me from t'other side.
It was a Macedonian cry
From Benjy o'er the sea;
"Come hither, Johncey, instantly,
And whoop things up for me!"
I could not turn a callous ear
Unto that piteous cry;
I packed my grip, and for the pier
Directly started I.
Alas! things are not half so fair
As four short years ago--
The clouds are gathering everywhere
And boisterous breezes blow;
My wilted whiskers indicate
The depth of my disgrace--
Would I were back, enthroned in state,
At 12 St. Helen's place!
The saddest words, as I'll allow,
That drop from tongue or pen,
Are these sad words I utter now:
"They can't, shan't, won't have Ben!"
So, with my whiskers in my hands,
My journey I'll retrace,
To wreak revenge on foreign lands
At 12 St. Helen's place.
CLENDENIN'S LAMENT.
While bridal knots are being tied
And bridal meats are being basted,
I shiver in the cold outside
And pine for joys I've never tasted.
Oh, what's a nomination worth,
When you have labored months to get it
If, all at once, with heartless mirth,
The cruel senator's upset it?
Fate weaves me such a toilsome way,
My modest wisdom may not ken it--
But, all the same, a plague I say
Upon that stingy, hostile senate!
ON THE WEDDING OF G. C.
(June 2, 1886.)
Oh, hand me down my spike tail coat
And reef my waistband in,
And tie this necktie round my throat
And fix my bosom pin;
I feel so weak and flustered like,
I don't know what I say--
For I am to be wedded to-day, Dan'l,
I'm to be wedded to-day!
Put double sentries at the doors
And pull the curtains down,
And tell the democratic bores
That I am out of town;
It's funny folks haint decency
Enough to stay away,
When I'm to be wedded to-day, Dan'l,
I'm to be wedded to-day!
The bride, you say, is calm and cool
In satin robes of white--
Well, _I_ am stolid, as a rule,
But now I'm flustered quite;
Upon a surging sea of bliss
My soul is borne away,
For I'm to be wedded to-day, Dan'l,
I'm to be wedded to-day!
TO G. C.
(July 12, 1886.)
They say our president has stuck
Above his good wife's door
The sign provocative of luck--
A horseshoe--nothing more.
Be hushed, O party hates, the while
That emblem lingers there,
And thou, dear fates, propitious smile
Upon the wedded pair.
I've tried the horseshoe's weird intent
And felt its potent joy--
God bless you, Mr. President,
And may it be a boy.
TO DR. F. W. R.
If I were rich enough to buy
A case of wine (though I abhor it),
I'd send a quart of extra dry
And willingly get trusted for it.
But, lackaday! _You_ know that I'm
As poor as Job's historic turkey--
In lieu of Mumm, accept this rhyme,
An honest gift though somewhat jerky.
This is your silver wedding day--
You didn't mean to let me know it!
And yet your smiles and raiments gay
Beyond all peradventure show it!
By all you say and do it's clear
A birdling in your heart is singing,
And everywhere you go you hear
The old-time bridal bells a-ringing.
Ah, well, God grant that these dear chimes
May mind you of the sweetness only
Of those far distant, callow times
When you were Benedick and lonely--
And when an angel blessed your lot--
For angel is your helpmeet, truly--
And when, to share the joy she brought,
Came other little angels, duly.
So here's a health to you and wife--
Long may you mock the Reaper's warning,
And may the evening of your life
In rising sons renew the morning;
May happiness and peace and love
Come with each morrow to caress ye,
And when you're done with earth, above--
God bless ye, dear old friend--God bless ye!
HORACE'S ODE TO "LYDIA" ROCHE.
No longer the boys,
With their music and noise,
Demand your election as mayor;
Such a milk-wagon hack
Has no place on the track
When his rival's a thoroughbred stayer.
With your coarse, shallow wit
Every rational cit
At last is completely disgusted;
The tool of the rings,
Trusts, barons, and things,
What wonder, I wonder, you're busted!
As soon as that Yerkes
Finds out you can't work his
Intrigues for the popular nickel,
With a tear to deceive you
He'll drop you and leave you
In your normal condition--a pickle.
Go, dodderer, go
Where the whisker winds blow
And spasms of penitence trouble;
Or flounder and whoop
In an ocean of soup
Where the pills of adversity bubble.
A PARAPHRASE, CIRCA 1715.
Since Chloe is so monstrous fair,
With such an eye and such an air,
What wonder that the world complains
When she each am'rous suit disdains?
Close to her mother's side she clings
And mocks the death her folly brings
To gentle swains that feel the smarts
Her eyes inflict upon their hearts.
Whilst thus the years of youth go by,
Shall Colin languish, Strephon die?
Nay, cruel nymph! come, choose a mate,
And choose him ere it be too late!
A PARAPHRASE, OSTENSIBLY BY DR. I. W.
Why, Mistress Chloe, do you bother
With prattlings and with vain ado
Your worthy and industrious mother,
Eschewing them that come to woo?
Oh, that the awful truth might quicken
This stern conviction to your breast:
You are no longer now a chicken
Too young to quit the parent nest.
So put aside your froward carriage
And fix your thoughts, whilst yet there's time,
Upon the righteousness of marriage
With some such godly man as I'm.
HORACE I, 27.
In maudlin spite let Thracians fight
Above their bowls of liquor,
But such as we, when on a spree,
Should never bawl and bicker!
These angry words and clashing swords
Are quite de trop, I'm thinking;
Brace up, my boys, and hush your noise,
And drown your wrath in drinking.
Aha, 'tis fine--this mellow wine
With which our host would dope us!
Now let us hear what pretty dear
Entangles him of Opus.
I see you blush--nay, comrades, hush!
Come, friend, though they despise you,
Tell me the name of that fair dame--
Perchance I may advise you.
O wretched youth! and is it truth
You love that fickle lady?
I, doting dunce, courted her once,
And she is reckoned shady!
HEINE'S "WIDOW OR DAUGHTER."
Shall I woo the one or the other?
Both attract me--more's the pity!
Pretty is the widowed mother,
And the daughter, too, is pretty.
When I see that maiden shrinking,
By the gods, I swear I'll get 'er!
But, anon, I fall to thinking
That the mother'll suit me better!
So, like any idiot ass--
Hungry for the fragrant fodder,
Placed between two bales of grass,
Lo, I doubt, delay, and dodder!
HORACE II, 20.
Maecenas, I propose to fly
To realms beyond these human portals;
No common things shall be my wings,
But such as sprout upon immortals.
Of lowly birth, once shed of earth,
Your Horace, precious (so you've told him),
Shall soar away--no tomb of clay
Nor Stygian prison house shall hold him.
Upon my skin feathers begin
To warn the songster of his fleeting;
But never mind--I leave behind
Songs all the world shall keep repeating.
Lo, Boston girls with corkscrew curls,
And husky westerns, wild and woolly,
And southern climes shall vaunt my rhymes--
And all profess to know me fully.
Methinks the west shall know me best
And therefore hold my memory dearer,
For by that lake a bard shall make
My subtle, hidden meanings clearer.
So cherished, I shall never die--
Pray, therefore, spare your dolesome praises,
Your elegies and plaintive cries,
For I shall fertilize no daisies!
HORACE'S SPRING POEM.
(Odes I, 4.)
The western breeze is springing up, the ships are in the bay,
And Spring has brought a happy change as Winter melts away;
No more in stall or fire the herd or plowman finds delight,
No longer with the biting frosts the open fields are white.
Our Lady of Lythera now prepares to lead the dance,
While from above the ruddy moon bestows a friendly glance;
The nymphs and comely Graces join with Venus and the choir,
And Vulcan's glowing fancy lightly turns to thoughts of fire.
Now is the time with myrtle green to crown the shining pate,
And with the early blossoms of the spring to decorate;
To sacrifice to Faunus--on whose favor we rely--
A sprightly lamb, mayhap a kid, as he may specify.
Impartially the feet of Death at huts and castles strike--
The influenza carries off the rich and poor alike;
O Sestius! though blest you are beyond the common run,
Life is too short to cherish e'en a distant hope begun.
The Shades and Pluto's mansion follow hard upon la grippe--
Once there you cannot throw at dice or taste the wine you sip,
Nor look on Lycidas, whose beauty you commend,
To whom the girls will presently their courtesies extend.
HORACE TO LIGURINE.
(Odes IV, 10.)
O cruel fair,
Whose flowing hair
The envy and the pride of all is,
As onward roll
The years, that poll
Will get as bald as a billiard ball is;
Then shall your skin, now pink and dimply,
Be tanned to parchment, sear and pimply!
When you behold
Yourself grown old
These words shall speak your spirits moody:
"Unhappy one!
What heaps of fun
I've missed by being goody-goody!
Oh! that I might have felt the hunger
Of loveless age when I was younger!"
HORACE ON HIS MUSCLE.
(Epode VI.)
You (blatant coward that you are!)
Upon the helpless vent your spite;
Suppose you ply your trade on me--
Come, monkey with this bard and see
How I'll repay your bark with bite!
Ay, snarl just once at me, you brute!
And I shall hound you far and wide,
As fiercely as through drifted snow
The shepherd dog pursues what foe
Skulks on the Spartan mountain side!
The chip is on my shoulder, see?
But touch it and I'll raise your fur;
I'm full of business; so beware,
For, though I'm loaded up for bear,
I'm quite as likely to kill a cur!
HORACE TO MAECENAS.
(Odes III, 29.)
Dear noble friend! a virgin cask
Of wine solicits attention--
And roses fair, to deck your hair,
And things too numerous to mention,
So tear yourself awhile away
From urban turmoil, pride and splendor
And deign to share what humble fare
And sumptuous fellowship I tender;
The sweet content retirement brings
Smoothes out the ruffled front of kings.
The evil planets have combined
To make the weather hot and hotter--
By parboiled streams the shepherd dreams
Vainly of ice-cream soda-water;
And meanwhile you, defying heat,
With patriotic ardor ponder
On what old Rome essays at home
And what her heathen do out yonder.
Maecenas, no such vain alarm
Disturbs the quiet of this farm!
God in his providence observes
The goal beyond this vale of sorrow,
And smiles at men in pity when
They seek to penetrate the morrow.
With faith that all is for the best,
Let's bear what burdens are presented,
That we shall say, let come what may,
"We die, as we have lived, contented!
Ours is to-day; God's is the rest--
He doth ordain who knoweth best!"
Dame Fortune plays me many a prank--
When she is kind, oh! how I go it!
But if, again, she's harsh, why, then
I am a very proper poet!
When favoring gales bring in my ships,
I hie to Rome and live in clover--
Elsewise, I steer my skiff out here,
And anchor till the storm blows over.
Compulsory virtue is the charm
Of life upon the Sabine farm!
HORACE IN LOVE AGAIN.
(Epode XI.)
Dear Pettius, once I reeled off rhyme
Satiric, sad and tender,
But now my quill
Has lost its skill
And I am dying in my prime
Through love of female gender!
Nay, do not laugh
Nor deign to chaff
Your friend with taunts of Lyde
And other dames
Who've been my flames--
_This_ time it's bona-fide!
I maunder sadly to and fro--
I who was once so jolly!
My old time chums
Gyrate their thumbs
And taunt me, as I sighing go,
With what they term my folly.
I told you once,
Lake a garrulous dunce,
Of my all consuming passion,
And I rolled my eyes
In tragedy wise
And raved in lovesick fashion.
And when I'd aired my woes profound
You volunteered this warning:
"Horace, go light
On the bowl to-night--
Ten hours of sleep will bring you round
All right to-morrow morning!"
Now ten hours sleep
May do a heap
For callow hearts a-patter,
But I tell you, sir,
This affair du coeur
Of _mine_ is a serious matter!
"GOOD-BY--GOD BLESS YOU!"
I like the Anglo-Saxon speech
With its direct revealings--
It takes a hold and seems to reach
Way down into your feelings;
That some folk deem it rude, I know,
And therefore they abuse it;
But I have never found it so--
Before all else I choose it.
I don't object that men should air
The Gallic they have paid for--
With "au revoir," "adieu, ma chere"--
For that's what French was made for--
But when a crony takes your hand
At parting to address you,
He drops all foreign lingo and
He says: "Good-by--God bless you!"
This seems to me a sacred phrase
With reverence impassioned--
A thing come down from righteous days,
Quaintly but nobly fashioned;
It well becomes an honest face--
A voice that's round and cheerful;
It stays the sturdy in his place
And soothes the weak and fearful.
Into the porches of the ears
It steals with subtle unction
And in your heart of hearts appears
To work its gracious function;
And all day long with pleasing song
It lingers to caress you--
I'm sure no human heart goes wrong
That's told "Good-by--God bless you!"
I love the words--perhaps because,
When I was leaving mother,
Standing at last in solemn pause
We looked at one another,
And--I saw in mother's eyes
The love she could not tell me--
A love eternal as the skies,
Whatever fate befell me;
She put her arms about my neck
And soothed the pain of leaving,
And, though her heart was like to break,
She spoke no word of grieving;
She let no tear bedim her eye,
For fear _that_ might distress me,
But, kissing me, she said good-by
And asked her God to bless me.
HORACE.
(Epode XIV.)
You ask me, friend,
Why I don't send
The long since due-and-paid-for numbers--
Why, songless, I
As drunken lie
Abandoned to Lethaean slumbers.
Long time ago
(As well you know)
I started in upon that carmen;
My work was vain--
But why complain?
When gods forbid, how helpless are men!
Some ages back,
The sage Anack
Courted a frisky Samian body,
Singing her praise
In metered phrase
As flowing as his bowls of toddy.
'Till I was hoarse
Might I discourse
Upon the cruelties of Venus--
'Twere waste of time
As well of rhyme,
For you've been there yourself, Maecenas!
Perfect your bliss,
If some fair miss
Love you yourself and _not_ your minae;
I, fortune's sport,
All vainly court
The beauteous, polyandrous Phryne!
HORACE I, 23.
Chloe, you shun me like a hind
That, seeking vainly for her mother,
Hears danger in each breath of wind
And wildly darts this way and t'other.
Whether the breezes sway the wood
Or lizards scuttle through the brambles,
She starts, and off, as though pursued,
The foolish, frightened creature scrambles.
But, Chloe, you're no infant thing
That should esteem a man an ogre--
Let go your mother's apron-string
And pin your faith upon a toga!
A PARAPHRASE.
How happens it, my cruel miss,
You're always giving me the mitten?
You seem to have forgotten this:
That you no longer are a kitten!
A woman that has reached the years
Of that which people call discretion
Should put aside all childish fears
And see in courtship no transgression.
A mother's solace may be sweet,
But Hymen's tenderness is sweeter,
And though all virile love be meet,
You'll find the poet's love is metre.
A PARAPHRASE BY CHAUCER.
Syn that you, Chloe, to your moder sticken,
Maketh all ye yonge bacheloures full sicken;
Like as a lyttel deere you been y-hiding
Whenas come lovers with theyre pityse chiding,
Sothly it ben faire to give up your moder
For to beare swete company with some oder;
Your moder ben well enow so farre shee goeth,
But that ben not farre enow, God knoweth;
Wherefore it ben sayed that foolysh ladyes
That marrye not shall leade an aype in Hayde;
But all that do with gode men wed full quicklye
When that they be on dead go to ye seints full sickerly.
HORACE I, 5.
What perfumed, posie-dizened sirrah,
With smiles for diet,
Clasps you, O fair but faithless Pyrrha,
On the quiet?
For whom do you bind up your tresses,
As spun-gold yellow--
Meshes that go with your caresses,
To snare a fellow?
How will he rail at fate capricious,
And curse you duly;
Yet now he deems your wiles delicious--
_You_ perfect truly!
Pyrrha, your love's a treacherous ocean--
He'll soon fall in there!
Then shall I gloat on his commotion,
For _I_ have been there!
HORACE I, 20.
Than you, O valued friend of mine!
A better patron non est--
Come, quaff my home-made Sabine wine--
You'll find it poor but honest.
I put it up that famous day
You patronized the ballet
And the public cheered you such a way
As shook your native valley.
Caecuban and the Calean brand
May elsewhere claim attention,
But I have none of these on hand--
For reasons I'll not mention.
_ENVOY._
So come! though favors I bestow
Can not be called extensive,
Who better than my friend should know
That they're, at least, expensive!
HORACE II, 7.
Pompey, what fortune gives you back
To the friends and the gods who love you--
Once more you stand in your native land,
With your native sky above you!
Ah, side by side, in years agone,
We've faced tempestuous weather,
And often quaffed
The genial draft
From an amphora together!
When honor at Phillippi fell
A pray to brutal passion,
I regret to say that my feet ran away
In swift Iambic fashion;
You were no poet-soldier born,
You staid, nor did you wince then--
Mercury came
To my help, which same
Has frequently saved me since then.
But now you're back, let's celebrate
In the good old way and classic--
Come, let us lard our skins with nard
And bedew our souls with Massic!
With fillets of green parsley leaves
Our foreheads shall be done up,
And with song shall we
Protract our spree
Until the morrow's sun-up.
HORACE I, 11.
Seek not, Lucome, to know how long you're going to live yet--
What boons the gods will yet withhold, or what they're going to give
yet;
For Jupiter will have his way, despite how much we worry--
Some will hang on for many a day and some die in a hurry,
The wisest thing for you to do is to embark this diem
Upon a merry escapade with some such bard as I am;
And while we sport, I'll reel you off such odes as shall surprise ye--
To-morrow, when the headache comes--well, then I'll satirize ye!
HORACE I, 13.
When, Lydia, you (once fond and true,
But now grown cold and supercilious)
Praise Telly's charms of neck and arms--
Well, by the dog! it makes me bilious!
Then, with despite, my cheeks wax white,
My doddering brain gets weak and giddy,
My eyes o'erflow with tears which show
That passion melts my vitals, Liddy!
Deny, false jade, your escapade,
And, lo! your wounded shoulders show it!
No manly spark left such a mark--
(Leastwise he surely was no poet!)
With savage buss did Telephus
Abraid your lips, so plump and mellow--
As you would save what Venus gave,
I charge you shun that awkward fellow!
And now I say thrice happy they
That call on Hymen to requite 'em;
For, though love cools, the wedded fools
Must cleave 'till death doth disunite 'em!
HORACE IV, 1.
O Mother Venus, quit, I pray,
Your violent assailing;
The arts, forsooth, that fired my youth
At last are unavailing--
My blood runs cold--I'm getting old
And all my powers are failing!
Speed thou upon thy white swan's wings
And elsewhere deign to mellow
With my soft arts the anguished hearts
Of swain that writhe and bellow;
And right away, seek out, I pray,
Young Paullus--he's your fellow.
You'll find young Paullus passing fate,
Modest, refined, and toney--
Go, now, incite the favored wight!
With Venus for a crony.
He'll outshine all at feast and ball
And conversazione!