[It is thought that the following story may have been intended for the
"Organ of Organs" (R.A.M.C.)].
Charles, the young Army Medical, went down on one patella. His heart (a
hollow muscular pump) was driving blood from its ventricles as it had
never yet driven it in all its twenty-five years of incessant labour.
Further, by flattening the arch of his diaphragm and elevating his ribs
and sternum, Charles was increasing the cavity of his thorax and taking
in air. Immediately the diaphragm and the sternum and costal cartilages
relaxed again the air escaped. The lungs of Charles were doing their
work. Fast and yet faster became his breathing.
"Mabel," he murmured, "Mabel!"
The girl made no movement. Her respiration continued, but no impulse to
action reached her nerve-centres. Yet, without an effort on her part,
her tissues in one minute produced enough heat to boil one twenty-fourth
of a pint of water.
"Wonderful!" he whispered hoarsely, probably thinking of this, "you are
wonderful."
You will not marvel that his voice was gruff when I tell you that the
membrane of the larynx was inflamed. Greater men than Charles have
become hoarse in such circumstances.
Immediately the blood rushed to the capillaries of Mabel's cheeks and
her colour deepened. She trembled slightly.
"There, that's it!" he cried, gazing rapturously.
"What?" she gasped, startled by his passion.
"Again that artery below your ear is throbbing, throbbing, and"--his
voice rose in despair--"I can never remember the name! Can you?"
"Alas," she moaned, "I do not know it! Oh, Charles, there is something I
must tell you at once."
"What is it?" he cried with sudden fear. "What is it?"
"Why, I--I----Oh, I do not know how to say it. Charles, you will never
forgive me!"
"What is it, dearest? Tell me--you can trust me. The medical
profession----"
"Well, then, I tried to bandage little Johnny's foot yesterday,
and--and----"
"Calm yourself, dear. And----?"
"I tied a 'granny' knot. Oh, Charles, _don't_ be angry. I _know_ it
ought to have been a 'reef'!"
He looked about him dully, like a man stunned.
"Charles," she moaned, "listen! After all, I put it on the wrong foot."
He started violently.
"Mabel," he cried, "you are sure? Then I will not let you go. Had you
tied that 'granny' knot on the right foot, I--we--as an R.A.M.C. man,
I----"
She clung to him sobbingly.
"Charles, oh Charles," she panted, "you have proved it to me. You love
me! (Is my heart throbbing now?) You love me and it will break for joy!"
The phalanges and the metacarpal bones of her left hand clicked together
as if in sympathy as she flung it to her side.
Again her cerebrum flashed its joyful message, so that she repeated, "My
heart!"
At the word Charles, the R.A.M.C. man, rose from his patella and placed
his hands firmly on his femur bones.
His whole bearing had changed.
"This," he said slowly and ringingly, "is the end. When I entered this
room I loved you--I admit it. But--you have deceived me! Look at that
hand! It is covering--what? The floating costae! Your heart is not where
you would have me believe. It is fully three inches higher and more to
the right. That is not a small matter, or one with which you should
trifle as you do. But you have deceived me in a greater than that."
"Oh, what is it? What have I done?" sobbed Mabel hysterically.
"The greater matter," continued Charles in trumpet tones, "is that _the
heart is not the seat of the emotions at all_. I can only conclude that
your agitation was feigned. I wish you good-day, Madam."
He had reached the door when she cried aloud.
"Charles!"
An urgent message from Charles's cerebellum, delivered to certain motor
nerves by way of the spinal cord, disposed him to turn on his heel.
He waited in silence.
"Charles dearest, if it was the wrong place, and I didn't cover my heart
after all, why, Charles, remember Johnny's foot and be logical!"
She was there before him, glorious, and Charles stood dazzled.
"You are right!" he cried. "Mabel! If you _had_ covered your heart!!"
"Charles!!!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Householder (with the Zeppelin obsession)._
"Ah, I Like the Snow. It Reduces The Menace From Above."]
[Illustration: !!!!!!]
* * * * *
"Yesterday between Forges and Bethincourt, west of the Meuse,
the enemy made use of suffocating gas, but did not attack with
infancy."--_Timaru Herald (N.Z.)._
We are glad to have this evidence that the Huns have given up using
children to screen their advances.
* * * * *
"Plagues of rates have appeared at Pinsk, and in the British
trenches."
_Buenos Ayres Herald._
Even at home we have not entirely escaped the epidemic.
* * * * *
"Floating Baby Found Unarmed."
_Provincial Paper._
Had the Huns known of its defenceless condition they would never have
allowed it to escape.
* * * * *
"'Like a poet, a geographer is born, not mad,' once wrote Sir
Clements Markham."
_Times of India._
Some poets will be greatly relieved by this doctrine.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Oldest Inhabitant (finally)._ "I tell 'ee I bain't goin'
outside the door. Why, what'd folks think of me with no badge, nor
harmlet, nor nothin'?"]
* * * * *