"Lissen. I pay my debt every time I walk out on that stage. Think of
all the men I make forget they're married, or their office, or factory
or farm troubles--or their income taxes! How would _they_ feel, if I
disappeared in the middle of my strip? They want to see _more_ of me,
not _less_!
"I thought maybe you could help me lick this thing--whatever you call
it. But under that beard you're just like all them other guys. I'm fed
up on double talk. Let's just forget the whole thing, Doc. Good-by,
professor!"
And with that, she flounced out of my apartment.
* * * * *
Well, the little guy stopped talkin', then, and takes another drink and
I find I been sittin' on the edge of my chair, like I was stymied by a
paralaray.
"B-but--you said that she disappeared from here," I says like a guy in
a trance.
"Oh yes indeed," he smiles at me. "I was too wrapped up in her by then
to let her off so easily."
"Y'mean--you followed her up?"
"I felt sure that if I could just see her again, and explain the value
of her peculiar, indeed amazing talent, to science--well, at any rate
I knew where to go. I had never in all my life frequented one of those
burlesque houses.
"After the performance I endeavored to see her backstage. That was when
I had my first brush with Mr. Luigi."
"Tough character, ain't he?"
"Extremely so. He warned me not to bother her, and when I tried to
explain, he threatened me.
"And then one evening," the little guy says, settling back in his chair
with a hooker of Saturnian Sling, and that far-away look in his eyes
again, "just when I least expected it, my robot butler announced her.
"'Oh, I'm so glad you've changed your mind, Miss LaTour,' I greeted
her. 'And now if you're ready, we can continue our experiments without
further delay.'
"'Nix, doc, I ain't here for any more experiments,' were her first
words.
"I was non-plussed. 'You're not? Then why did you--?'
"'Oh, I dunno. I been practisin' that space-warpin' hip-wiggle in
private, see? And I been meetin' all sorts of characters. But not the
one I got a real interest in.'
"I sensed trouble. 'Miss LaTour, if you've come here for--'
"'I'm getting bored, Doc. Luigi's gettin' too jealous. Why he even
thinks that you--' She leered at me archly. 'Well, never mind. But them
few hours I spent with that there Launcelot--'
"She began to hum a few bars of the song she used in her--um--routine,
despite my pleas.
"'Miss LaTour, please don't begin that again!'
"'What're ya kickin' about, professor? You're gettin' a free show,
ain'tcha? At least up to a point y'are--'
"'Please, Miss LaTour, put on that blouse. I must warn you--'
"Her lovely bare arms stopped their gyrations. 'Huh? Warn me? About
what?'
"'That time and space are really fluid, as that ancient philosopher,
Einstein, suspected back in the Twentieth Century. You may not reach
the same time-space continuum again. Why, you may even--um--wiggle
yourself into the middle of a Pharaoh's tomb--or perhaps the bottom of
the ocean which now covers what used to be ancient Russia!'
"'I'll take my chances, Doc. Hmmm.... Hmmm.... Pretty good, huh?'
"'I implore you, Miss LaTour!'
"Despite my desperate efforts, she began to remove another of
her--um--garments.
"'Da de da, my bra. Da de daa doo, my shoe. And now, Launcelot, honey,
here I--'
"She had come to the hip-wiggle that curiously projected her through
some warp in space. There was a sound as though a rubber tube were
being sucked inside out--and she vanished."
* * * * *
The little fella emptied his glass and filled it again.
"I waited for what seemed an eternity. But she never reappeared, to
this very day."
I takes another slug of that Martian wiggle-water myself, then I
squints at the professor over my glass.
"I guess maybe you been hittin' the bottle yourself lately, huh Doc?"
"What? Oh, you don't believe me, do you, Benny?"
"Well, it ain't that exactly, but ya gotta admit--"
He gets excited again. "Here, I'll show you." He goes to a drawer,
takes somethin' soft and shiny out, and comes back, wavin' them under
my nose. My nose doesn't object.
"I have proof. Take a look at these."
They was Helen LaTour's size, all right. I gotta admit that, okay. And
they _was_ pretty. Especially when I starts thinkin' of what filled 'em.
"She left them behind when she went through that space warp. It's all
there is left of her."
"Hmmm. Say, doc, y'sure these ain't some other dame's? Maybe yer
wife's--?"
"I assure you, I have never been married." He looks wistful-like.
"Since meeting Miss LaTour, I grant you I have toyed with the
speculation of what marital bliss might have been like with someone of
the caliber of--"
Just then, the window behind me pops open with a crash that breaks it
into a zillion pieces, and into the room steps Luigi.
I couldn't of been more scared if I'd started seeing snakes, which I
had, since Luigi looks like the meanest kind of viper in the zoo.
"Okay, pop," he snarls, deadly-like. "Where ya keepin' her?"
The little guy doesn't even turn a hair, whiles I'm startin' to get rid
of all the stuff I been drinkin', reflex-like, so's I'll be lighter fer
the takeoff when I kin get my feet unfroze.
"How did you get here?" the prof inquires, cool like a cucumber.
"I climbed in through that there space warp you been warblin' about,"
Luigi sneers, and I can see he is in a definitely unsociable mood.
"You!" he hollers, looking at where I was before he hollered, and when
I come down off the top of the bookcase he says, "What do you know
about it?"
"Luigi," I peeps, "I ain't never seen this guy until tonight."
"He's telling the truth, Luigi," the little guy says, and I coulda
kissed him fer it.
"Okay, pop. So now that you're talkin', start singin'. And it better
be on the level, too. What did you do with my gal? C'mon, spill it, or
you'll be spillin' more than words."
"I told you the truth the first time," the little guy says, with
terrific dignity fer a future corpse.
I thought Luigi would bust a jet-gasket, but all of a sudden he calms
down, and gets an expression on his puss like a tiger tryin' to smile.
"Look pop," he says, "I know how it is." And he's almost beggin' now.
"I know LaTour. She's gotta have a change once't in a while. But I love
that dame, see? And I gotta have her back. So if you'll just tell me
where she is, I'm willin' to forget all about everythin' else--"
The little guy just looks at him sort of pitying-like. "I assure you
I'd like to help you, Luigi, but--"
He stops, with his mouth open, his eyes poppin' out of his head. He's
starin' at somethin' behind me and Luigi's.
* * * * *
I hears a low, silvery laugh, kinda like little bells tinklin', and
the kinda voice you figure that there pie-eyed piper musta had on his
flute, is sayin':
"Well! Hello, suckers!"
When Luigi hears that laugh, he whirls around like a weathercock on top
of a landship station, his face all red and puffed up.
"Baby!" He gets that far, then _his_ eyes start to pop out. Mine are
already rollin' on the rug.
Standin' there, laughin' like she is havin' the time of her luscious
life, is the Queen of Burly-que, Helen LaTour herself, in, what I mean,
the flesh.
She is holdin' some white sort of a robe or somethin' over her head,
and aside from that, she ain't got a stitch on that knockout of a body
of hers.
Luigi gets his wind back, and starts gettin' tough again. "So you been
two-timin' me fer this old goat here, huh?"
"I assure you, this is as much of a shock to me--"
But the LaTour ain't payin' them no attention. She pulls the robe half
over her, and gives with that tinklin' laugh again.
"I didn't expect to come back here," she chuckles. "I made a mistake."
"Where you been?" Luigi moves towards her, like he was gonna hit her.
"Don't you take another step, you lug!"
She sure knew how to handle men. Luigi stops like he's been slugged by
a Uranian, and his face gets all purple and pleading.
"Aw come on, babe, gimme a break. Ain't you been hangin' out with this
little jerk long enough?"
"Th-that garment--" The little guy is starin' at the robe LaTour is
holdin' over the better parts of her. "That white robe--where did you
get it?" he sorta wheezed.
"This? Oh, this old thing. It's just part of my old wardrobe. The guy I
married gave it to me."
"You--_what_?" Luigi's puss turns from purple to pale white. "You ain't
married?"
"Oh, no?" LaTour looks at him like he's a Venusian rainworm, and the
lug goes inta another Technicolor trance.
"But I'm gettin' fed up already," she yawns. "I met a fella's got a
lot more S.A. than the guy I'm hitched to now. Yeah," she giggles, "My
new fella knows how to appreciate a gal. Why, he even judged a beauty
contest once."
"You take that jet line to Atlantic City, baby?" Luigi says.
The LaTour laughs, and catches the little guy's eye. "Professor, tell
this jerk here what I'm talkin' about."
The little guy nods. "So that's why you didn't come back," he says.
"Yeah. I been promised to my new fella, and I ain't one to break a
promise."
"The apple of discord," the little guy is mutterin'. "'Twas ever thus,
my dear. But why are you here now?"
"I been tellin' my new boy friend about show business. He kept beggin'
me to do my stuff, and I finally gave in. Right after we eloped--maybe
it's the ham in me or somethin', but I did my routine fer him, and I
guess I musta forgot and added that extra wiggle.
"I figured he had it comin'," she says. "Anyhow, here I am."
"And you'll stay here now, baby, wherever you been?" For a tough guy,
Luigi sure looked soft-boiled, now.
The LaTour gave him a look that ain't had the benefit of Ivory Soap.
"I'm goin' back."
"Aw, baby...."
"I can speak their language fine now. Besides, there's gonna be hell to
pay because we eloped. And I gotta stick by Paris."
"You goin' to France, Miss LaTour?" I blurts out.
* * * * *
She laughs. Luigi is scowlin', but the little professor is just noddin'
like he understands everything.
"I been there, fella," she says to me. "I been everywhere." She starts
to hum a song I ain't never heard before.
"This here's LaTour's farewell tour, men," she says, startin' to do
some fancy movin' around that makes my skin crawl, watchin' her.
"Baby, you ain't gonna start your routine here, are ya?" Luigi says.
"Shut up, creep, I gotta concentrate," she squelches him.
The professor pipes up like he's half asleep. "You know, Miss LaTour,
there must be a destiny about all this...."
"La de day--yeah, that's what that there Aphrodite told my new boy
friend," she throws a dazzlin' smile at him over her shoulder, wavin'
that white robe around her flawless body.
"It won't seem the same on Venus without you," the professor sort of
moans.
"Shut up, professor," Luigi hollers, then that tough voice of his
breaks, like he was almost cryin'. "Baby, stop dancin' around."
"Outa my way, ya lug. I'm workin' up to the finale."
"Please, baby. I'll--I'll give ya a million asteroids, honey. I won't
smoke no more of them there Saturn Stogies--"
The LaTour's movin' around gets more fancy all the time. She is all
the moonbeams and flowers I ever seen, rolled into one. It was easy to
unnerstan' how she got to be the big star that she was--even here on
rough and ready Venus. She had class, and somethin' else--somethin'
that made ya keep watchin' her every movement, like you was hungry for
somethin', but ya didn't know what. And you wanted to jump up and
down, and holler, but ya just couldn't move because you was watchin' so
hard.