_House of Commons, Monday, July 31._--No one who chanced last
Thursday to see HAYES FISHER and LOGAN engaged in controversy on
Front Opposition Bench would suspect them of essentially retiring
disposition. This conclusively proved to-night. Decided on further
consideration that something must really be done in direction of
modifying effects of Thursday's riot. Someone must apologise. This
put to HAYES FISHER, who delighted WALROND with swiftness, even
enthusiasm, of acquiescence.
"Right you are, dear boy," he cried. "I have thought so from the
first. Indeed I have publicly placed the matter in its true light.
Daresay you read my little affidavit written within an hour of what
I quite agree with the SPEAKER in alluding to as 'the regrettable
incident.' Here's what I said: 'To put a stop to his (LOGAN'S)
aggressive conduct, I immediately seized him by the neck and forcibly
ejected him on to the floor of the House. That began the scrimmage.'
Then I go on to point the moral, though indeed it points itself.
This is where you and I particularly agree. 'In my opinion the
responsibility for the discreditable scene rests even more with Mr.
GLADSTONE than with Mr. LOGAN.' Yes, WALROND, you are quite right in
what you are about to say. I have shown clearly that Mr. G. was at the
bottom of the whole business, and he should apologise. Don't you think
he'd better be brought in at the Bar? And if he spent a night or two
in the Clock Tower it would have most wholesome effect, vindicate
dignity of House, and prevent recurrence of these regrettable scenes."
WALROND'S face a study, whilst HAYES FISHER, carried away by
enthusiasm of moment, rubbed his hands and smiled in anticipation of
the scene.
The Opposition Whip had tough job in hand. To FISHER'S logical mind
the proposal that _he_ should apologise was a _non sequitur_. Why,
what had he done? As he told House later, seeing LOGAN come up and
sit down on bench below him, he thought he was going to strike him.
Natural attitude for a man meaning to let out straight from the
shoulder at another is to sit down with back turned towards intended
victim. FISHER'S quick intelligence taking whole situation in at
glance, he promptly proceeded to take in as much as his hands would
hold of the back of LOGAN'S neck, with intent to thrust him forth.
That, as he wrote, "began the scrimmage." In other words, Mr.
GLADSTONE was responsible for the whole business, even more so than
LOGAN, who had wantonly brought the back of his neck within reach of
FISHER'S hand.
However, there were reasons of State why the guilty should go
unpunished. Not the first time Innocency has been sacrificed that
Guilt might stalk through the land unfettered. FISHER would apologise;
but here again the untameably logical mind asserted itself. LOGAN must
apologise first. It was he who had been forcibly ejected. On Thursday
night FISHER had come up behind him; _argal_, he must follow him
now. Thus it was settled, or so understood. But when critical moment
arrived, House waiting for someone to speak, hitch occurred. FISHER
waited for LOGAN; LOGAN, in excess of politeness, hung back. Awkward
pause. SPEAKER observed he had certainly understood something might be
said by the two gentlemen. Another pause. LOGAN and FISHER eyed each
other across the floor.
Lord CHATHAM, with his sword drawn,
Stood waiting for Sir RICHARD STRACHAN;
Sir RICHARD, longing to be at 'em,
Stood waiting for the Earl of CHATHAM.
[Illustration: "THE HAPPY FAMILY."
(_By Our Artist in Fret-Work._)]
At length PRINCE ARTHUR interposed; gently, but firmly, drew the coy
FISHER to the front. His apology followed by one from the lingering
LOGAN. Scene ended amid mutual tears.
"Yes, it's all very well," said FISHER, wringing his
pocket-handkerchief and glaring angrily at Mr. G. "But, after all, the
real criminal has escaped, and logic, as applicable to events of daily
life, has received a staggering blow."
_Business done._--ACLAND explained English Education Estimates in
speech admirable alike in matter and manner.
[Illustration: Another Injustice to Ireland.]
_Tuesday._--Some men are born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards.
Of these is WILLIAM O'BRIEN. It would seem that fate had expended its
malignity when PRINCE ARTHUR deprived him of his breeches. Now JOSEPH
has appropriated his dinner-table. The lynx eye of BARTLEY detected
the irregularity which disclosed existence of this fresh outrage.
BARTLEY favourably known in House as guardian of its honour and
dignity. From time to time spirit moves him suddenly to rise and point
fat forefinger at astonished Mr. G., whom he has discovered in
some fresh design upon stability of the Empire or symmetry of the
Constitution. At stated hours, formerly on Thursdays ten o'clock now
generally on stroke of midnight, he is seen and heard shouting "Gag!
gag!"
"Odd," says Member for Sark, "how phrases change in similar
circumstances though at different epochs. When Closure first invented,
put in motion by dear OLD MORALITY, and supported by BARTLEY, HANBURY,
JIMMY LOWTHER, and the rest, it used to be spoken resentfully of
as 'pouncing.' Now it is 'gagging.' But it is precisely the same,
inasmuch as the minority of the day, against whom it is enforced,
denounce it as iniquitous, whilst the majority, who took that view
when they were on other side of House, now regard it as indispensable
to conduct of public business. BARTLEY having lived through both
epochs is useful illustration of this tendency. When OLD MORALITY
pounced on Irish members his lusty shout of approval used to echo
through House with only less volume than now his roar of anguish goes
up to glass roof when OLD MORALITY'S original thumbscrews are fitted
on him and his friends. A quaint, mad world, my TOBY."
To-night BARTLEY not so well-informed on subject as usual. Thought
it was JOHN DILLON, who, acting the part of AMPHITRYON, piloted his
guests within preserves of members' private dining-room. Turned out it
wasn't DILLON at all, but WILLIAM O'BRIEN, who in most tragic manner
tells how, having secured in advance a table for his guests, found
when the dinner-hour struck JOSEPH and his Brethren seated thereat,
merrily profiting by his forethought. Straightway O'BRIEN led his
guests to the table in members' room which Unionist Leaders have
marked for their own. This he appropriated, and there, regardless of
surprised looks from ex-ministers at adjoining table, he truculently
dined.
"Well, at any rate," said TIM HEALY, that Man of Peace, "I'm glad it
wasn't mere English or Orangemen who were thus treated. If JOSEPH had
appropriated SAUNDERSON'S table, the Colonel would have taken him in
his arms, dropped him outside on the Terrace, and, returning to his
seat, ordered a fresh plate of soup." _Business done._--BARTLEY adds
fresh dignity to Parliamentary debate.
_Thursday._--Was it this day week the House was in volcanic upheaval,
with HAYES FISHER--or was it Mr. GLADSTONE?--clutching LOGAN by
the back of the neck, a mad mob mauling each other round the white
waistcoat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH? According to the almanack this is so;
according to appearances an eternity and a hemisphere divide the two
scenes.
In Committee on Vote on Account; average attendance from twenty to
thirty. Orders bristle with amendments; papers read in support
of them; occasionally a Member follows with observations on topic
suggested; sometimes he doesn't; then next gentleman who has prepared
paper takes the floor; the audience turns over; goes to sleep again;
wakened by Chairman putting question "that Amendment be withdrawn."
Isn't even vigour sufficient to induce a division.
Only person free from somnolent influence of hour is Mr. G. Has
nothing to do in this galley; looks on wistfully whilst LOWTHER
(not JIMMY) talks about Vitu and the Pamirs; JIMMY (_lui meme_) is
sarcastic on subject of Board of Trade engaging in experiments
in journalism; and DICKY TEMPLE wants to know all about reported
modifications in constitution of St. Paul's School by the Charity
Commissioners. Mr. G. liked to have offered few remarks on one or all
these subjects. TOMMY BOWLES nearly succeeded in drawing him. Dropping
lightly out of Siam, _via_ Morocco, upon question of Collisions at
Sea, TOMMY brought MUNDELLA into full focus and fairly floored him
with a problem.
"Suppose," he said, "the right hon. gentleman were at sea, and the
whole fleet bore down upon him on the weather bow. What would he do?"
MUNDELLA nonplussed. Mr. G. knew all about it; would have answered
right off and probably silenced even TOMMY with proposition of counter
man[oe]uvre. But MARJORIBANKS kept relentless eye on him. Vote on
Account must be got through Committee to-night. The less speaking
the better; so with profound sigh Mr. G. resisted the temptation
and composed himself to listen to LENG'S paper on the prohibition
of importation of live cattle from Canada. Here was opportunity of
learning something which Mr. G. gratefully welcomed. Gradually, as
the new knight went on reading extract after extract in level voice,
remorselessly deliberate, Mr. G.'s eyes closed, his head drooped, and
in full view of the crowded Strangers' Gallery he fell into peaceful,
childlike slumber.
_Business done._--Vote on Account passed Committee.
[Illustration: Reading the G. O. M. to sleep.]
_Friday._--Morning sitting devoted to miscellaneous talk around
Ireland. Evening, a long STOREY about iniquities of House of Lords.
The evening and the morning a dull day. Had time to look over Mr. G.'s
letter about retention of Irish Members. "What do you think of it?" I
asked the Member for Sark. "Haven't read it," he said. "When I saw
it was a column long, I knew Mr. G. didn't want to say anything
that would be understood. When he does, a few lines suffice; when he
doesn't, nothing less than a column of print will serve."
_Business done._--Vote on Account through Report Stage.
* * * * *
FRANCE AND SIAM.--The situation at Bangkok will probably result in
further Develle-opments.
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note:
Page 64: 'barometre' corrected to 'barometre'. "Le barometre--Beau
fixe!"
Page 65: 'Jung Frau' ... the author may have had something else in
mind, besides the mountain (Jungfrau)?
"_Interlachen._ Remember the Jung Frau and forget the tourists."
Page 69: 'measeles' corrected to 'measles'. "attended two bankers and
a Lord Mayor for measles,"