Father Ignatius had occasion for considerable speech outside his house.
There was talking to be done with the clergy, with the members of his
flock, while officiating at ceremonies, sometimes with acquaintances at
social evenings; yet, upon his return, he would feel invariably that
the entire day he had been silent. This was due to the fact that with
none of those people could he talk upon the matter which concerned him
most, and upon which he would reflect each night: Why did Vera die?
Father Ignatius did not seem to realize that now this could not be
known, and thought that it was still possible to know. Each night--all
his nights had become sleepless--he would re-experience that moment
when he and his wife, at dead midnight, had stood near Vera’s bed,
and he had entreated her: “Tell us!” And when in his recollection he
would reach these words, the rest appeared to him not as it was in
reality. His closed eyes, preserving in their darkness a live, undimmed
picture of that night, saw how Vera raised herself in her bed, smiled,
and tried to say something. But what was it she had tried to say?
That unuttered word of Vera’s, which would have solved all, seemed so
near that if one only had bent his ear and suppressed the beats of
his heart, one could have heard it--and at the same time it was so
infinitely, so hopelessly distant. Father Ignatius would arise from his
bed, stretch forth his wringing hands, and cry:
“Vera!”
And he would be answered by silence.
One evening Father Ignatius entered the chamber of Olga Stepanovna,
whom he had not come to see for a week, seated himself at her head,
and, turning away from that insistent, heavy gaze, said:
“Mother, I wish to talk to you about Vera. Do you hear?”
Her eyes were silent, and Father Ignatius, raising his voice, spoke
sternly and powerfully, as he was accustomed to speak to penitents:
“I am aware that you are under the impression that I have been the
cause of Vera’s death. Reflect, however: did I love her less than you
loved her? You reason absurdly. I have been stern; did that prevent her
from doing as she wished? I forfeited the dignity of a father, I humbly
bent my neck, when she defied my malediction and departed--hence. And
you--did you not plead with her to remain, did you not weep, old woman,
until I commanded you to be silent? Did I beget cruelty in her? Did I
not teach her about God, about humility, about love?”
Father Ignatius quickly glanced into the eyes of his wife, and turned
away.
“What was there for me to do when she refused to reveal her sorrow? Did
I not command her? Did I not entreat her? I suppose, in your opinion, I
should have dropped on my knees before the girl, and cried like an old
woman! How should I have known what was going on in her head! Cruel,
heartless daughter!”
Father Ignatius came down on his knee with his fist.
“There was no love in her--that’s what! As far as I’m concerned, that’s
settled, of course--I’m a tyrant! Perhaps she loved you--you who wept
and humbled yourself?”
Father Ignatius gave a hollow laugh.
“There’s love for you! And as a solace for you, what a death she chose!
A cruel, ignominious death. She died in the dust, in the dirt--as a
d-dog who is kicked in the jaw.”
The voice of Father Ignatius sounded low and hoarse:
“I feel ashamed! Ashamed to go out in the street! Ashamed before the
altar! Ashamed before God! Cruel, undeserving daughter! Accurst in thy
grave!”
When Father Ignatius glanced at his wife she was unconscious; she came
to only after several hours. When she regained consciousness her eyes
maintained their silence, and it was impossible to tell whether or not
she remembered what Father Ignatius had said.
That very night--it was a moonlit, calm, warm, deathly still night
in May--Father Ignatius, proceeding on his tiptoes so as not to be
overheard by his wife and the sick-nurse, climbed up the stairs and
entered Vera’s room. The window in the attic had remained closed since
the death of Vera, and the air was dry and warm, with a light odor
of burning that comes from heat generated during the day in the iron
roof. Long unvisited, an atmosphere of lifelessness and forsakenness
permeated the apartment, while the timber of the the walls, and other
objects gave forth a slight odor of active decay. The moonlight
streamed in through the window, and its reflections on the white floor
cast a dim light into the corners of the room, while the white, clean
bed, with two pillows, one large and one small, seemed phantom-like
and aërial. Father Ignatius opened the window, causing a considerable
current of fresh air to pour into the room, smelling of dust, of the
near-by river, and of the blooming linden. An indistinct sound as of
voices in chorus also drifted in occasionally; evidently young people
were rowing and singing.
Resembling a white phantom, Father Ignatius made his way noiselessly,
in bare feet, to the empty bed, bent his knees, and fell face down on
the pillows, embracing them--on that spot where Vera’s face should have
been. Long he lay thus; the song grew louder, then died out; but he
still lay there, while his long black hair spread over his shoulders
and the bed.
The moon had changed its position, and the room grew darker, when
Father Ignatius raised his head and murmured, charging his voice with
the entire strength of his long-suppressed and unconscious love, and
hearkening to his own words, as if it were not he who was listening,
but Vera.
“Vera, my daughter! Do you understand what you are to me, daughter?
Little daughter! My heart, my blood, and my life. Your father--your old
father--is already gray, and also feeble.”
The shoulders of Father Ignatius shook, and the entire burdened figure
became convulsed. Suppressing his agitation, Father Ignatius murmured
tenderly, as to an infant:
“Your old father entreats you. No, little Vera, he supplicates. He
weeps. He never has wept before. Your sorrow, little child, your
sufferings--they are also mine. Greater than mine.”
Father Ignatius shook his head.
“Greater, Verochka. What is death to an old man like me? But you--if
you only knew how delicate and weak and timid you are! Do you recall
how you bruised your finger once and the blood trickled and you cried
a little? My child! I know that you love me, love me intensely. Every
morning you kiss my hand. Tell me, do tell me, what grief troubles your
little head, and I--with these hands--shall smother your grief. They
are still strong, Vera, these hands.”
The hair of Father Ignatius shook.
“Tell me!”
Father Ignatius fixed his eyes on the wall, and wrung his hands.
“Tell me!”
Stillness prevailed in the room, and from afar was heard the prolonged,
interrupted whistle of a locomotive.
Father Ignatius, gazing out of his dilated eyes, as if there had
suddenly arisen before him the frightful phantom of the mutilated
corpse, slowly raised himself from his knees, and, making an
incredulous motion, reached for his head with his hand, with spread
and tensely stiffened fingers. Making a step toward the door, Father
Ignatius whispered brokenly:
“Tell me!”
And he was answered by silence.