"All right, then, that settles your fate, and you shall!" and I lit a
cigar preliminary to starting the yarn.
"Well do I remember the episode. It was a cut-throat country that we
had to ride over. Many of my soldier comrades, brave and true, fell
that day thickly around me--but as they all got up again, it did not
really so much matter."
Having deftly dodged a sofa-cushion shied at my head by way of a gentle
hint to "get forrard," I dropped from airy heights to the sober realms
of fact, and proceeded to tell my plain unvarnished tale.
"After hunting for ten years with a pack belonging to a Cavalry
regiment--let us call it the 'Heavyshot Drag'--the Fates (and Taylor &
Co.) removed me into a far country, and but for the kindness of some
members of the hunt, who often asked me up and gave me a mount, I
should have known the Heavyshot no more, as it was too far to bring any
of my own select stud--consisting of a musical one, with three legs and
a swinger, a bolter with a blind eye, and a 13.2 pony!--up for the
gallop. And what jolly gallops they always were, too!
"One day I got a wire from my excellent friend Major Laughton, who was
then Master of the Heavyshot, 'Come up, Friday. Lunch mess. Hounds meet
Pickles Common.' To which, in the degenerate language of the times, I
wired reply, 'You bet,' and one P.M. on the day named found my breeched
and booted legs beneath the mahogany of the hospitable mess room.
"Major Laughton, in greeting me, said, 'So sorry, my dear boy, I can't
give you my second horse, as he's all wrong to-day--a severe "pain
under the pinafore" has floored him. But I've got you a gee from--well,
never mind where from, I know he can jump.' And with these words the
conversation dropped. As to where my mount came from--well, it was no
concern of mine, was it? I thought I noticed a slight deflection of the
gallant Major's left eyelid when he was speaking, but that, after all,
might have been my fancy.
"After putting in some strong work over the luncheon course, we lit
cigars, and in a few minutes both horses and hounds appeared on the
parade ground. My horse with the mysterious origin was a good-looking
bay, who carried his head in the 'cocky' fashion beloved of
riding-masters, and proved a very pleasant hack. We jogged along and
soon reached the meet.
"The usual scene of eagerness and excitement, hounds supplying the
latter element, whilst the superior animal, man, jostled his fellows
consumedly, in his natural desire to 'get off the mark' as soon as
decency and the Master permitted. The last-named held forth vigorously
to us, as with a 'Tow-yow-yow!' hounds dashed across the first field,
and jumped, scrambled, or squeezed through the first fence.
"'Let 'em get over before you start, bless you all! Come back there,
you man on the grey! What the saintly St Ursula are you doing? All
right, now you can go, and be past-participled to you all!'
"And away we went as if His Satanic Majesty had assisted us with the
toe of his boot! Swish! and the first fence, long looked at and much
disliked, is a thing of the past; horses pull and bore to get their
heads as we sail down a stiffish hill and over a broad ditch at the
bottom. My horse drops one hind leg in, and loses a couple of lengths
by the performance. Up a slight slope we stand in our stirrups--to ease
our horses, _bien entendu_--not to look at the forbidding obstacle in
front of us, oh dear no! a post and rails, with no top bar broken
anywhere, and what I hear a groom behind me calling a 'narsetty' great
ditch on the landing side. Our gallant first Whip crams his horse at
it, and but for the animal's forgetfulness in leaving both hind legs
the wrong side, would have led over in great style; but 'tis an ill
wind which blows nobody any good, and those legs break the top rail for
us. Did I follow the Whip over a bit close? Well, I hope not; verdict,
'not guilty, but don't do it again.' Two flights of hurdles and a
ploughed field bring us to the main road. We jump into, and out of,
this, leaving two of our number as 'bookmakers'--_i.e._, 'laying on
the field.' On we go again over about three miles of pretty hunting
country, with nice, plain-sailing fences; then comes a stile, at which
one refusal and two 'downers' still further reduces the field; and,
with another flight of hurdles surmounted, we come to a check. Oh, the
shaking of tails and blowing of nostrils! the 'soaping' of reins and
the sweat on the foam-flecked bodies of the poor gees!
"'Horses seem to have had about enough of it, don't you think so?' said
a man who had pulled up just alongside of me.
"I turned in my saddle to answer, when, without the slightest warning,
and giving vent to a groan which I seem to hear still, my horse
suddenly fell to the ground. A dozen men slipped off their horses to
lend a hand. We quickly unbuckled the girths and pulled the saddle off,
but, even as we did so, I saw the glazing eye, which told unmistakably
that the poor old chap had done his last gallop and jumped his last
fence. He was as dead as Julius Cæsar!
"'By Jove, and it's one of the Queen's, too!' exclaimed an impetuous
Subaltern.
"'Shut up, you young ass!' quickly rejoined his Major in low tones, and
the good youth incontinently closed the floodgates of his eloquence
just as an enormous man, Colonel de Boots, in command of the Cavalry
depôt, who had driven out to see the fun, pushed his way through the
little crowd assembled round the 'stiff un' in order to tender his
advice.
"It was a tight place for those concerned, but the tension was quickly
relaxed when, instead of looking at the horse, he turned to me and
said, 'Deuced sorry _for your loss_, really--most annoying. My wife
will be delighted to give you a seat in her carriage. My servant shall
look after your horse until----'
"'Not for worlds, sir,' I replied hastily, 'that is all arranged for.
But if you will really be so good as to take me to Mrs de Boots'
carriage, and if she would not mind my entering it in this very muddy
condition----?'
"'Delighted; come along with me!' We walked off, and the situation was
saved.
"Only temporarily, though. I blandly received Colonel and Mrs de Boots'
condolences on the loss of _my_ horse all the way home to Barracks, and
I heard afterwards that they thought I 'took it in very good part.' The
moment I was released from their carriage, after thanking them warmly
for picking me up as they had done, I took to my heels and ran down to
Major Laughton's quarters.
"'Here's a pretty mess, my boy!' he exclaimed; 'there'll have to be a
Board to "sit on" the departed, to-morrow, and report in what way he
came to his "frightful end," as the newspaper Johnnies call it. Which
_is_ his "frightful end," by the way?' he added in meditative tones.
"'Give it up; ask me another,' I rejoined, with a grin. 'But,
seriously, will there be an awful row when it comes out that we were
hunting one of Her Majesty's?'
"'Well, naturally, a Paternal Government doesn't provide hunters for
"all and sundry." Come along with me: we'll see the Vet., and find out
what can be done.'
"Away we went to the Vet.'s office, and fortunately found him in.
Laughton related the whole affair to him, and wound up by saying, 'I
don't want you to do anything that isn't strictly right, you know; but
if you can see a way of helping us out of the difficulty, I shall be
awfully obliged. The worst of it is that it's a young horse--Bradford.'
"'Bradford? Oh, no; I saw Bradford in his stall not ten minutes ago.'
"'Are you sure of that?'
"'Oh, perfectly.'
"'How strange! I sent a man down to the stables this morning to tell
them to send Bradford up--but I'll ask him at once: he's just in the
yard there,' and the next minute we were eagerly questioning the
'Tommy' as he stood rigidly at attention.
"'Did you tell them I wanted Bradford?'
"'Yessir.'
"'What did they say?'
"'Said there was no such 'orse as Radford.'
"'Bradford, I said.'
"'Beg pardon, sir. Understood the name was Radford, and the
Sergeant----'
"'Yes, the Sergeant, what did he say then?'
"'Said I was a hass, sir----'
"'Quite right, go on,' said the Major, encouragingly.
"'And that I must mean Radnor, and Radnor was the 'orse as was sent up,
sir.'
"The Major turned on his heel without a word, and walked again into the
Vet.'s office, followed by me. The 'Tommy' remained at 'attention,' and
may be in the same attitude now, as far as I know.
"'This is a relief, anyhow,' said Laughton, 'Radnor would have been
"cast" very soon, and so his sudden death won't be so surprising to the
Board.'
"Up to this point the Vet. had been silent; now a smile hovered over
his face as he said, 'Leave the whole business to me, Major. Where's
the defunct?'
"The Major described the place, and the interview ended, and we walked
back to Laughton's quarters."
* * * * *
"The Board assembled, and briefly, the result of their deliberations
was to find that the bay gelding Radnor was discovered dead in his
stall, the certified cause of death being fatty degeneration of the
heart."
* * * * *
"Yes, that's all very fine and large, but how the----? what the----?
when the----!!!" broke in a Babel of voices.
"Hold on, boys, and you shall know one or two things which the Board
didn't know. Picture a scene in the barrack yard like this: a dark
night, moon only showing in fitful gleams now and then; a trolly with a
couple of horses; four stalwart Tommies and a sergeant-major seated on
the trolly; it rattles out of the barrack square and over some five
miles or so of road to the heath where the hero of the day breathed his
last. The trolly is drawn up on to the grass, and after a few minutes'
search the Sergeant-Major discovers the _corpus delicti_; with much
exertion it is hauled up on to the trolly, and the return journey
commences.
"Just before the witching hour of midnight 'when sentries yawn and
Colonels go to bed'--Shakespeare freely transposed, boys, this--enter
the trolly to the stable yard again. The dead horse is hoisted out, put
in its stall, and the head-collar most carefully adjusted ('in case he
should get loose,' observed one Tommy to another, with an unholy grin).
"All the actors in the little drama retire to imbibe liquid sustenance
'stood' by an invisible donor--peace reigns again all around the
barrack square, and----and that's the end. Waiter, bring me a whiskey
and soda, and some matches."