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SUCH THINGS ARE;
A Play, in Five Acts.
As Performed at the
Theatre Royal, Covent Garden.
by
MRS. INCHBALD.
Second Edition.
London:
Printed for G. G. J. and J. ROBINSON, Pater-noster Row.
MDCCLXXXVIII.
ADVERTISEMENT.
The travels of an Englishman throughout Europe, and even in some parts
of Asia, to soften the sorrows of the Prisoner, excited in the mind of
the Author the subject of the following pages, which, formed into a
dramatic story, have produced from the Theatre a profit far exceeding
the usual pecuniary advantages arising from a successful Comedy.
The uncertainty in what part of the East the hero of the present
piece was (at the time it was written) dispensing his benevolence,
caused the Writer, after many researches and objections, to fix the
scene on the island of Sumatra, where the English settlement, the
system of government, and every description of the manners of the
people, reconcile the incidents of the Play to the strictest degree
of probability.
PROLOGUE,
Written by THOMAS VAUGHAN, Esq.
Spoken by Mr. HOLMAN.
How say you, critic Gods[1], and you below[2];
Are you all friends?--or here--and there--a foe?
Come to protect your _literary_ trade,
Which Mrs. _Scribble_ dares _again_ invade--
But know you not--_in all_ the fair ones do,
'Tis not to please themselves alone--but you.
Then who so churlish, or so cynic grown,
Would wish to change a _simper_ for a _frown_?
Or who so jealous of their own _dear_ quill,
Would point the paragraph her fame to kill?
Yet such there are, in this all-scribbling town, }
And men of letters too--of some renown, }
Who sicken at all merit but their own. }
But sure 'twere more for Wit's--for Honour's sake,
To make the Drama's _race_--_the give and take_.
[_Looking round the house._
My hint I see's approv'd--so pray begin it,
And praise us--_roundly_ for the _good things_ in it,
Nor let severity our faults expose,
When godlike Homer's self was known to doze.
But of the piece--Methinks I hear you hint,
Some dozen lines or more should give the tint--
"Tell how _Sir John_ with _Lady Betty_'s maid
Is caught intriguing at a masquerade;
Which Lady Betty, in a jealous fit,
Resents by flirting with _Sir Ben_--the cit.
Whose _three_-feet spouse, to modish follies bent,
Mistakes a _six_-feet Valet--for a Gent.
Whilst Miss, repugnant to her Guardian's plan,
Elopes in Breeches with her fav'rite man."
Such are the _hints_ we read in _Roscius'_ days,
By way of Prologue ushered in _their_ plays.
But _we_, like Ministers and cautious spies,
In _secret measures_ think--the merit lies.
Yet shall the Muse thus far unveil the plot--
This play was _tragi-comically_ got,
Those sympathetic sorrows to impart
Which harmonize the feelings of the heart;
And may at least this humble merit boast,
A structure founded on fair _Fancy_'s coast.
With you it rests that judgement to proclaim,
Which _in the world_ must raise or sink it's fame.
Yet ere her judges sign their last report,
'Tis you [_to the boxes_] must recommend her to the Court;
Whose smiles, like _Cynthia_, in a winter's night,
Will cheer our wand'rer with a gleam of light.
1. Galleries.
2. Pit.
ACT I.
SCENE, _The Island of Sumatra, in East India_.
CHARACTERS.
MEN.
_Sultan_, Mr. Farren,
_Lord Flint_, Mr. Davies,
_Sir Luke Tremor_, Mr. Quick,
_Mr. Twineall_, Mr. Lewis,
_Mr. Haswell_, Mr. Pope,
_Elvirus_, Mr. Holman,
_Mr. Meanright_, Mr. Macready,
_Zedan_, Mr. Fearon,
_First Keeper_, Mr. Thompson,
_Second Keeper_, Mr. Cubitt,
_First Prisoner_, Mr. Helme,
_Second Prisoner_, Mr. Gardener.
_Guard_, Mr. Blurton,
_Messenger_, Mr. Ledger.
WOMEN.
_Lady Tremor_, Mrs. Mattocks,
_Aurelia_, Miss Wilkinson,
_Female Prisoner_, Mrs. Pope.
_Time of Representation, Twelve Hours._
SUCH THINGS ARE.
A PLAY.
IN FIVE ACTS.
ACT I.
SCENE I. _A Parlour at Sir_ Luke Tremor'_s_.
_Enter Sir_ Luke, _followed by Lady_ Tremor.
_Sir Luke._ I tell you, Madam, you are two and thirty.
_Lady Tremor._ I tell you, Sir, you are mistaken.
_Sir Luke._ Why, did not you come over from England exactly sixteen
years ago?
_Lady._ Not so long.
_Sir Luke._ Have not we been married the tenth of next April sixteen
years?
_Lady._ Not so long.--
_Sir Luke._ Did you not come over the year of the great Eclipse?
answer me that.
_Lady._ I don't remember it.
_Sir Luke._ But I do--and shall remember it as long as I live--the
first time I saw you, was in the garden of the Dutch Envoy; you were
looking through a glass at the sun--I immediately began to make love
to you, and the whole affair was settled while the eclipse
lasted--just one hour, eleven minutes, and three seconds.
_Lady._ But what is all this to my age?
_Sir Luke._ Because I know you were at that time near seventeen--and
without one qualification except your youth--and not being a Mullatto.
_Lady._ Sir Luke, Sir Luke, this is not to be borne--
_Sir Luke._ Oh! yes--I forgot--you had two letters of recommendation,
from two great families in England.
_Lady._ Letters of recommendation!
_Sir Luke._ Yes; your character----that, you know, is all the fortune
we poor Englishmen, situated in India, expect with a wife who crosses
the sea at the hazard of her life, to make us happy.
_Lady._ And what but our characters would you have us bring? Do you
suppose any lady ever came to India, who brought along with her,
friends, or fortune?
_Sir Luke._ No, my dear--and what is worse--she seldom leaves them
behind, either.
_Lady._ No matter, Sir Luke--but if I delivered to you a good
character----
_Sir Luke._ Yes, my dear you did--and if you were to ask me for it
again, I can't say I could give it you.
_Lady._ How uncivil! how unlike are your manners to the manners of my
Lord Flint.
_Sir Luke._ Ay--you are never so happy as when you have an opportunity
of expressing your admiration of him--a disagreeable, nay, a very
dangerous man--one is never sure of one's self in his presence--he
carries every thing he hears to the ministers of our suspicious
Sultan--and I feel my head shake whenever I am in his company.
_Lady._ How different does his Lordship appear to me--to me he is all
_politesse_.
_Sir Luke._ _Politesse!_ how shou'd you understand what is real
_politesse_? You know your education was very much confined.--
_Lady._ And if it _was_ confined----I beg, Sir Luke, you will one
time or other cease these reflections--you know they are what I can't
bear! [_walks about in a passion._] pray, does not his Lordship
continually assure me, I might be taken for a Countess, were it not
for a certain little groveling toss I have caught with my head--and
a certain little confined hitch in my walk? both which I learnt of
_you_--learnt by looking so much at _you_.--
_Sir Luke._ And now if you don't take care, by looking so much at his
Lordship, you may catch some of his defects.
_Lady._ I know of very few he has.
_Sir Luke._ I know of many--besides those he assumes.--
_Lady._ Assumes!!----
_Sir Luke._ Yes; do you suppose he is as forgetful as he pretends to
be? no, no--but because he is a favourite with the Sultan, and all
our great men at court, he thinks it genteel or convenient to have
no memory--and yet I'll answer for it, he has one of the best in the
universe.
_Lady._ I don't believe your charge.
_Sir Luke._ Why, though he forgets his appointments with his
tradesmen, did you ever hear of his forgetting to go to court when a
place was to be disposed of? Did he ever make a blunder, and send a
bribe to a man out of power? Did he ever forget to kneel before the
Prince of this Island--or to look in his highness's presence like the
statue of Patient-resignation in humble expectation?--
_Lady._ Dear, Sir Luke----
_Sir Luke._ Sent from his own country in his very infancy, and brought
up in the different courts of petty, arbitrary Princes here in Asia;
he is the slave of every great man, and the tyrant of every poor
one.----
_Lady._ "Petty Princes!"--'tis well his highness our Sultan does not
hear you.
_Sir Luke._ 'Tis well he does not--don't you repeat what I say--but
you know how all this fine country is harrassed and laid waste by a
set of Princes, Sultans, as they style themselves, and I know not
what--who are for ever calling out to each other "that's mine," and
"that's mine;"--and "you have no business here"--and "you have no
business there"--and "I have business every where;" [_Strutting_]
then "give _me_ this,"--and "give _me_ that;" and "take this, and
take that." [_makes signs of fighting._]
_Lady._ A very elegant description truly.
_Sir Luke._ Why, you know 'tis all matter of fact--and Lord Flint,
brought up from his youth amongst these people, has not one _trait_ of
an Englishman about him--he has imbibed all this country's cruelty,
and I dare say wou'd mind no more seeing me hung up by my thumbs--or
made to dance upon a red-hot gridiron----
_Lady._ That is one of the tortures I never heard of!--O! I shou'd
like to see that of all things!
_Sir Luke._ Yes--by keeping this man's company, you'll soon be as
cruel as he is--he will teach you every vice--a consequential--grave
--dull--and yet with that degree of levity, that dares to pay his
addresses to a woman, even before her husband's face.
_Lady._ Did not you say, this minute, his Lordship had not a _trait_
of his own country about him?--
_Sir Luke._ Well, well--as you say, that last _is_ a _trait_ of his
own country.
_Enter_ Servant _and_ Lord Flint.
_Serv._ Lord Flint.--[_Exit_ Servant.
_Lady._ My Lord, I am extremely glad to see you--we were just
mentioning your name.--
_Lord._ Were you, indeed, Madam? You do me great honour.
_Sir Luke._ No, my Lord--no great honour.
_Lord._ Pardon me, Sir Luke.
_Sir Luke._ But, I assure you, my Lord, what I said, did _myself_ a
great deal of honour.
_Lady._ Yes, my Lord, and I'll acquaint your Lordship what it was.
[_going up to him._
_Sir Luke._ [_Pulling her aside_] Why, you wou'd not inform against me
sure! Do you know what would be the consequence? My head must answer
it. [_frightened._]
_Lord._ Nay, Sir Luke, I insist upon knowing.
_Sir Luke._ [_To her_] Hush--hush----no, my Lord, pray excuse
me--your Lordship perhaps may think what I said did not come from my
heart; and I assure you, upon my honour, it did.
_Lady._ O, yes--that I am sure it did.
_Lord._ I am extremely obliged to you. [_bowing._
_Sir Luke._ O, no, my Lord, not at all--not at all.--[_aside to
her._] I'll be extremely obliged to _you_, if you will hold your
tongue--Pray, my Lord, are you engaged out to dinner to-day? for her
Ladyship and I dine out.
_Lady._ Yes, my Lord, and we should be happy to find your Lordship of
the party.
_Lord._ "Engaged out to dinner"?--egad very likely--very likely--but
if I am--I have positively forgotten where.
_Lady._ We are going to----
_Lord._ No--I think (now you put me in mind of it) I think I have
company to dine with me--I am either going out to dinner, or have
company to dine with me; but I really can't tell which--however, my
people know----but I can't call to mind.--
_Sir Luke._ Perhaps your Lordship _has_ dined; can you recollect that?
_Lord._ No, no--I have not dined----what's o'clock?
_Lady._ Perhaps, my Lord, you have not breakfasted.
_Lord._ O, yes, I've breakfasted--I think so--but upon my word these
things are very hard to remember.
_Sir Luke._ They are indeed, my Lord--and I wish all my family wou'd
entirely forget them.
_Lord._ What did your Ladyship say was o'clock?
_Lady._ Exactly twelve, my Lord.
_Lord._ Bless me! I ought to have been some where else then--an
absolute engagement.--I have broke my word--a positive appointment.
_Lady._ Shall I send a servant?
_Lord._ No, no, no, no--by no means--it can't be helped now--and they
know my unfortunate failing--besides, I'll beg their pardon, and I
trust that will be ample satisfaction.
_Lady._ You are very good, my Lord, not to leave us.
_Lord._ I cou'd not think of leaving you so soon, Madam--the happiness
I enjoy here is _such_--
_Sir Luke._ And very likely were your Lordship to go away now, you
might never recollect to come again.
_Enter_ Servant.
_Serv._ A Gentleman, Sir, just come from on board an English vessel,
says, he has letters to present to you.
_Sir Luke._ Shew him in--[_Exit_ Servant.] _He_ has brought his
character too, I suppose--and left it _behind_, too, I suppose.
_Enter Mr._ Twineall, _in a fashionable undress_.
_Twi._ Sir Luke, I have the honour of presenting to you, [_Gives
letters_] one from my Lord Cleland--one from Sir Thomas Shoestring
--one from Colonel Fril.
_Sir Luke._ [_Aside_] Who in the name of wonder have my friends
recommended?--[_reads while Lord_ Flint _and the Lady talk apart_]
No--as I live, he is a gentleman, and the son of a Lord--[_going to
Lady_ Tremor.] My dear, that is a gentleman, notwithstanding his
appearance--don't laugh--but let me introduce you to him.
_Lady._ A gentleman! certainly--I did not look at him before--but now
I can perceive it.
_Sir Luke._ Mr. Twineall, give me leave to introduce Lady Tremor to
you, and my Lord Flint--this, my Lord, is the Honourable Mr. Twineall
from England, who will do me the favour to remain in my house, till
he is settled to his mind in some post here. [_They bow._] I beg your
pardon, Sir, for the somewhat cool reception Lady Tremor and I gave
you at first--but I dare say her Ladyship was under the same mistake
as myself--and I must own I took you at first sight for something very
different from the person you prove to be--for really no English ships
have arrived in this harbour for these five years past, and the dress
of us English gentlemen is so much altered since that time--
_Twi._ But, I hope, Sir Luke, if it is, the alteration meets with your
approbation.
_Lady._ O! to be sure--it is extremely elegant and becoming.
_Sir Luke._ Yes, my dear, I don't doubt but you think so; for I
remember you used to make your favourite monkey wear just such a
jacket, when he went out a visiting.
_Twin._ Was he your favourite, Madam?--Sir, you are very obliging.
[_Bowing to Sir Luke._]
_Sir Luke._ My Lord, if it were possible for your Lordship to call to
your _remembrance_ such a trifle--
_Lady._ Dear Sir Luke----[_Pulling him._
_Lord._ Egad, I believe I do call to my remembrance--[_Gravely
considering._]--Not, I assure you, Sir, that I perceive any great
resemblance--or, if it was so--I dare say it is merely in the
dress----which I must own strikes me as most ridiculous--very
ridiculous indeed.----
_Twi._ My Lord!
_Lord._ I beg pardon, if I have said any thing that----Lady Tremor,
what did I say?----make my apology, if I have said any thing
improper--you know my unhappy failing. [_Goes up the stage._
_Lady._ [_to Twineall._] Sir, his Lordship has made a mistake in the
word "ridiculous," which I am sure he did not mean to say--but he is
apt to make use of one word for another--his Lordship has been so long
out of England, that he may be said in some measure to have forgotten
his native language.
[_His Lordship all this time appears consequentially absent._
_Twi._ And you have perfectly explained, Madam--indeed I ought to
have been convinced, without your explanation, that if his Lordship
made use of the word _ridiculous_ (even intentionally) that the word
had now changed its former sense, and was become a mode to express
satisfaction--or his Lordship wou'd not have made use of it in the
very forcible manner he did, to a perfect stranger.
_Sir Luke._ What, Mr. Twineall, have you new modes, new fashions for
_words_ too in England, as well as for dresses?--and are you equally
extravagant in their adoption?
_Lady._ I never heard, Sir Luke, but that the fashion of words varied,
as well as the fashion of every thing else.
_Twi._ But what is most extraordinary--we have now a fashion in
England, of speaking without any words at all.
_Lady._ Pray, Sir, how is that?
_Sir Luke._ Ay, do, Mr. Twineall, teach my wife, and I shall be very
much obliged to you--it will be a great accomplishment. Even you, my
Lord, ought to be attentive to this fashion.
_Twi._ Why, Madam, for instance, when a gentleman is asked a question
which is either troublesome or improper to answer, you don't say you
_won't_ answer it, even though you speak to an inferior----but you
say----"really it appears to me e-e-e-e-e--[_mutters and shrugs_]--that
is--mo-mo-mo-mo-mo--[_mutters_]--if you see the thing--for my part
----te-te-te-te----and that's all I can tell about it at _present_."
_Sir Luke._ And you have told nothing!
_Twi._ Nothing upon earth.
_Lady._ But mayn't one guess what you mean?
_Twi._ O, yes--perfectly at liberty to guess.
_Sir Luke._ Well, I'll be shot if I _could_ guess.
_Twi._ And again--when an impertinent pedant asks you a question that
you know nothing about, and it may not be convenient to say so--you
answer _boldly_, "why really, Sir, my opinion _is_, that the Greek
poet--he-he-he-he--[_mutters_]--we-we-we-we--you see--if his idea
was--and if the Latin translator--mis-mis-mis-mis--[_shrugs_]----that
I shou'd think--in my humble opinion--but the Doctor _may_ know
better than I."----
_Sir Luke._ The Doctor must know very little else.
_Twi._ Or in case of a duel, where one does not care to say who was
right, or who was wrong--you answer--"_This_, Sir, is the state of the
matter--Mr. F-- came first--te-te-te-te--on that--be-be-be-be--if the
other--in short--[_whispers_]--whis-whis-whis-whis"----
_Sir Luke._ What?
_Twi._ "There, now you have it--there 'tis--but don't say a word about
it--or, if you do--don't say it come from me."--
_Lady._ Why, you have not told a word of the story!
_Twi._ But that your auditor must not say to you--that's not the
fashion--he never tells you that--he may say--"You have not made
yourself _perfectly_ clear;"--or he may say--"He must have the matter
_more particularly_ pointed out somewhere else;"--but that is all the
auditor can say with good breeding.
_Lady._ A very pretty method indeed to satisfy one's curiosity!
_Enter_ Servant.
_Serv._ Mr. Haswell.
_Sir Luke._ This is a countryman of ours, Mr. Twineall, and a very
good man I assure you.
_Enter_ Mr. Haswell.
_Sir Luke._ Mr. Haswell, how do you do?
[_Warmly._
_Has._ Sir Luke, I am glad to see you.----Lady Tremor, how do you do?
[_He bows to the rest._
_Lady._ O, Mr. Haswell, I am extremely glad you are come--here is a
young adventurer just arrived from England, who has been giving us
such a strange account of all that's going on there. [_Introducing
Twineall._
_Has._ Sir, you are welcome to India. [_Sir Luke whispers Haswell._
Indeed!--_his_ son.
_Lady._ Do, Mr. Haswell, talk to him--he can give you great
information.
_Has._ I am glad of it--I shall then hear many things I am impatient
to become acquainted with. [_Goes up to Twineall._] Mr. Twineall, I
have the honour of knowing his Lordship, your father, extremely
well--he holds his seat in Parliament still, I presume?
_Twi._ He does, Sir.
_Has._ And your uncle, Sir Charles?
_Twi._ Both, Sir--both in Parliament still.
_Has._ Pray, Sir, has any act in behalf of the poor clergy taken place
yet?
_Twi._ In behalf of the poor clergy, Sir?--I'll tell you--I'll tell
you, Sir.----As to that act--concerning--[_shrugs and mutters_]
--em-em-em-em--the Committee--em-em--ways and means--hee-hee--I
assure you, Sir--te-te-te--[_Sir Luke, Lady, and Lord Flint laugh._
My father and my uncle both think so, I assure you.
_Has._ Think _how_, Sir?
_Sir Luke._ Nay, that's not good breeding--you must ask no more
questions.
_Has._ Why not?
_Sir Luke._ Because--we-we-we-we--[_mimicks_]--he knows nothing about
it.
_Has._ What, Sir--not know?
_Twi._ Yes, Sir, perfectly acquainted with every thing that passes in
the house--but I assure you, that when they come to be reported----
but, Sir Luke, now permit me, in my turn, to make a few inquiries
concerning the state of this country.
[_Sir Luke starts, and fixes his eyes suspiciously on Lord Flint._
_Sir Luke._ Why, one does not like to speak much about the country one
lives in--but, Mr. Haswell, you have been visiting our encampments;
_you_ may tell us what is going on there.
_Lady._ Pray, Mr. Haswell, is it true that the Sultan cut off the head
of one of his wives the other day because she said "I won't?"
_Sir Luke._ Do, my dear, be silent.
_Lady._ I won't.
_Sir Luke._ O, that the Sultan had you instead of me!
_Lady._ And with my head off, I suppose?
_Sir Luke._ No, my dear; in that state, I shou'd have no objection to
you myself.
_Lady._ [_Aside to Sir Luke._] Now, I'll frighten you ten times
more.--But, Mr. Haswell, I am told there are many persons suspected of
disaffection to the present Sultan, who have been lately, by his
orders, arrested, and sold to slavery, notwithstanding there was no
proof against them produced.
_Has._ Proof!----in a State such as this, the charge is quite
sufficient.
_Sir Luke._ [_In apparent agonies, wishing to turn the discourse._]
Well, my Lord, and how does your Lordship find yourself this
afternoon?--this morning, I mean--Bless my soul! why I begin to be
as forgetful as your Lordship. [_Smiling and fawning._
_Lady._ How I pity the poor creatures!
_Sir Luke._ [_Aside to Lady._] Take care what you say before that tool
of state--look at him, and tremble for your head.
_Lady._ Look at him, and tremble for _yours_--and so, Mr. Haswell, all
this is true?--and some people, of consequence too, I am told, dragged
from their homes, and sent to slavery merely on suspicion?
_Has._ Yet, less do I pity those, than some, whom prisons and dungeons
crammed before, are yet prepared to receive.
_Lord._ Mr. Haswell, such is the Sultan's pleasure.
_Sir Luke._ Will your Lordship take a turn in the garden? it looks
from this door very pleasant;--does not it?
_Lady._ But pray, Mr. Haswell, has not the Sultan sent for you to
attend at his palace this morning?
_Has._ He has, Madam.
_Lady._ There! I heard he had, but Sir Luke said not.--I am told he
thinks himself under the greatest obligations to you.
_Has._ The report has flattered me--but if his highness _shou'd_ think
himself under obligations, I can readily point a way, by which he may
acquit himself of them.
_Lady._ In the mean time, I am sure, you feel for those poor
sufferers.
_Has._ [_With stifled emotion._] Sir Luke, good morning to you--I
call'd upon some trifling business, but I have out-staid my time,
and therefore I'll call again in a couple of hours--Lady Tremor,
good morning--my Lord--Mr. Twineall--[_Bows, and exit._
_Twi._ Sir Luke, your garden _does_ look so divinely beautiful--
_Sir Luke._ Come, my Lord, will you take a turn in it? Come Mr.
Twineall--come my dear--[_taking her hand._] I can't think what
business Mr. Haswell has to speak to me upon--for my part, I am
quite a plain man--and busy myself about no one's affairs, except
my own--but I dare say your Lordship has forgot all we have been
talking about.
_Lord._ If you permit me, Sir Luke, I'll hand the Lady.
_Sir Luke._ Certainly, my Lord, if you please--come, Mr. Twineall, and
I'll conduct you. [_Exeunt._
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
ACT II.
SCENE I. _An Apartment at Sir_ Luke Tremor'_s_.
_Enter_ Twineall _and_ Meanright.
_Twi._ My dear friend, after so long a separation, how glad I am to
meet you!--but how devilish unlucky that you shou'd, on the very day
of my arrival, be going to set sail for another part of the world! yet
before you go, I must beg a favour of you--you know Sir Luke and his
family perfectly well, I dare say?
_Mean._ I think so--I have been in his house near six years.
_Twi._ The very person on earth I wanted!--Sir Luke has power here,
I suppose?--a word from him might do a man some service perhaps?
[_significantly._
_Mean._ Why, yes; I don't know a man that has more influence at a
certain place.
_Twin._ And her Ladyship seems a very clever gentlewoman?
_Mean._ Very.
_Twi._ And I have a notion they think _me_ very clever.
_Mean._ I dare say they do.
_Twi._ Yes--but I mean _very_ clever.
_Mean._ No doubt!
_Twi._ But, my dear friend, you must help me to make them think better
of me still--and when _my_ fortune is made, I'll make _yours_--for
when I once become acquainted with people's dispositions, their little
weaknesses, foibles and faults, I can wind, twist, twine, and get into
the corner of every one's heart, and lie so snug, they can't know I'm
there, till they want to pull me out, and find 'tis impossible.
_Mean._ Excellent talent!
_Twi._ Is not it? and now, my dear friend, do you inform me of the
secret dispositions, and propensities of every one in this family,
and of all their connections.--What Lady values herself upon one
qualification, and what Lady upon another?--What Gentleman will like
to be told of his accomplishments? or what man would rather hear
of his wife's, or his daughter's?--or of his horses? or of his
dogs?--now, my dear Ned, acquaint me with all this--and within a
fortnight I will become the most necessary rascal----not a creature
shall know how to exist without me.
_Mean._ Why such a man as you ought to have made your fortune in
England.
_Twi._ No--my father, and my three uncles monopolized all the great
men themselves; and wou'd never introduce me where I was likely to
become their rival--This--this is the very spot for me to display
my genius--But then I must penetrate the people first--and you will
kindly save me that trouble.--Come, give me all their characters--all
their little propensities--all their whims--in short, all I am to
praise--and all I am to avoid praising,--in order to endear myself to
them. [_Takes out tablets._] Come--begin with Sir Luke.
_Mean._ Sir Luke--values himself more upon personal bravery, than upon
any thing else.
_Twi._ Thank you, my dear friend--thank you. [_Writes._] Was he ever
in the army?
_Mean._ Oh yes--besieged a capital fortress, a few years ago--and
now, the very name of a battle or a great general tickles his vanity,
and he takes all the praises you can lavish upon the subject as
compliments to himself.
_Twi._ Thank you--thank you a thousand times--[_Writes._] I'll mention
a battle very soon.
_Mean._ Not directly.
_Twi._ O, no--let me alone for time and place--go on, my friend--go
on--her Ladyship--
_Mean._ Descended from the ancient kings of Scotland.
_Twi._ You don't say so!
_Mean._ And though she is so nicely scrupulous as never to mention the
word genealogy, yet I have seen her agitation so great, when the
advantages of high birth have been extoll'd, she could scarcely
withhold her sentiments of triumph; which in order to disguise, she
has assumed a disdain for all "vain titles--empty sounds--and idle
pomp."
_Twi._ Thank you--thank you--this is a most excellent _trait_ of the
Lady's--[_Writes._] "Pedigree of the kings of Scotland?" O, I have her
at once.
_Mean._ Yet do it nicely--oblique touches, rather than open explanations.
_Twi._ Let me alone for that.
_Mean._ She has, I know, in her possession--but I dare say she wou'd
not show it you, nay, on the contrary, would even _affect_ to be
highly offended, if you were to mention it--and yet it certainly would
flatter her, to know you were acquainted with her having it.
_Twi._ What--what--what is it?
_Mean._ A large old-fashioned wig--which Malcolm the third or fourth,
her great ancestor, wore when he was crowned at Scone, in the year----
_Twi._ I'll mention it.
_Mean._ Take care.
_Twi._ O, let me alone for the _manner_.
_Mean._ She'll pretend to be angry.
_Twi._ That I am prepared for.--Pray who is my Lord Flint?
_Mean._ A deep man--and a great favourite at court.
_Twi._ Indeed!--how am I to please him?
_Mean._ By insinuations against the _present_ Sultan.
_Twi._ How!
_Mean._ With all his pretended attachment, his heart----
_Twi._ Are you _sure_ of it?
_Mean._ Sure:--he blinds Sir Luke, (who by the bye is no great
politician) but I know his Lordship--and if he thought he was sure of
his ground--(and he thinks he _shall_ be sure of it soon)--then--
_Twi._ I'll insinuate myself and join his party--but, in the mean
time, preserve good terms with Sir Luke, in case any thing shou'd fall
in my way there.--Who is Mr. Haswell?
_Mean._ He pretends to be a man of principle and sentiment--flatter
him on that.
_Twi._ The easiest thing in the world--no people like flattery
better than such as he.--They will bear even to hear their _vices_
praised.--I will myself undertake to praise the vices of a man of
sentiment till he shall think them so many virtues.--You have
mentioned no Ladies, but the Lady of the house yet.
_Mean._ There is no other Lady, except a pretty girl who came over
from England, about two years ago, for a husband, and not succeeding
in another part of the country, is now recommended to this house--and
has been here three or four months.
_Twi._ Let me alone, to please her.
_Mean._ Yes--I believe you are skilled.
_Twi._ For the art of flattery, no one more.
_Mean._ But damn it--it is not a liberal art.
_Twi._ It is a great science, notwithstanding--and studied, at
present, by all the connoisseurs.--Zounds! I have staid a long time--I
can't attend to any more characters at present--Sir Luke and his Lady
will think me inattentive, if I don't join them--Shall I see you
again?--if not--I wish you a pleasant voyage--I'll make the most
of what you have told me--you'll hear I'm a great man--God bless
you!--good bye!--you'll hear I'm a great man. [_Exit._
_Mean._ And, if I am not mistaken, I shall hear you are turned out of
the house before to-morrow morning. O, Twineall! exactly the _reverse_
of every character have you now before you--the greatest misfortune in
the life of Sir Luke has been, flying from his army in the midst of an
engagement, and a most humiliating degradation in consequence, which
makes him so feelingly alive on the subject of a battle, that nothing
but his want of courage can secure my friend Twineall's life for
venturing to name the subject--then Lord Flint, firmly _attached_ to
the _interest_ of the Sultan, will be all on fire, when he hears of
open disaffection--but most of all her Ladyship! whose father was
a grocer, and uncle, a noted advertising "Periwig-maker on a new
construction." She will run mad to hear of births, titles, and long
pedigrees.--Poor Twineall! little dost thou think what is prepared
for thee.--There is Mr. Haswell too--but to him have I sent you to be
reclaimed--to him,--who, free from faults, or even foibles, of his
own, has yet more potently the blessing given, of tenderness for ours.
[_Exit._