Our advice to the husband will be brief. Let him have up concealments
from his wife, but remember that their interests are mutual; that,
as she must suffer the pains of every loss, as well as share the
advantages of every success, in his career in life, she has therefore
a right to know the risks she may be made to undergo. We do not say
that it is necessary, or advisable, or even fair, to harass a
wife's mind with the details of business; but where a change of
circumstances--not for the better--is anticipated or risked, let her
by all means be made acquainted with the fact in good time. Many
a kind husband almost breaks his young wife's fond heart by an
alteration in his manner, which she cannot but detect, but from
ignorance of the cause very probably attributes to a wrong motive;
while he, poor fellow, all the while out of pure tenderness, is
endeavouring to conceal from her tidings--which must come out at
last--of ruined hopes or failure in speculation; whereas, had she but
known the danger beforehand, she would have alleviated his fears on
her account, and by cheerful resignation have taken out half the sting
of his disappointment. Let no man think lightly of the opinion of his
wife in times of difficulty. Women have generally more acuteness of
perception than men; and in moments of peril, or in circumstances
that involve a crisis or turning-point in life, they have usually more
resolution and greater instinctive judgment.
We recommend that every husband from the first should make his wife an
allowance for ordinary household expenses--which he should pay weekly
or monthly--and for the expenditure of which he should not, unless
for some urgent reason, call her to account. A tolerably sure guide
in estimating the amount of this item, which does not include rent,
taxes, servants' wages, coals, or candles, &c., is to remember that in
a small middle-class family, not exceeding _four_, the expense of each
person for ordinary food amounts to fifteen shillings weekly; beyond
that number, to ten shillings weekly for each extra person, servant or
otherwise. This estimate does not, of course, provide for wine or food
of a luxurious kind. The largest establishment, indeed, may be safely
calculated on the same scale.
A wife should also receive a stated allowance for dress, within
which limit she ought always to restrict her expenses. Any excess of
expenditure under this head should be left to the considerate kindness
of her husband to concede. Nothing is more contemptible than for
a woman to have perpetually to ask her husband for small sums for
housekeeping expenses--nothing more annoying and humiliating than to
have to apply to him always for money for her own private use--nothing
more disgusting than to see a man "mollycoddling" about marketing, and
rummaging about for cheap articles of all kinds.
Let the husband beware, when things go wrong with him in business
affairs, of venting his bitter feelings of disappointment and despair
in the presence of his wife and family,--feelings which, while
abroad, he finds it practicable to restrain. It is as unjust as it is
impolitic to indulge in such a habit.
A wife having married the man she loves above all others, must be
expected in her turn to pay some court to him. Before marriage she
has, doubtless, been made his idol. Every moment he could spare, and
perhaps many more than he could properly so appropriate, have been
devoted to her. How anxiously has he not revolved in his mind his
worldly chances of making her happy! How often has he not had to
reflect, before he made the proposal of marriage, whether he should
be acting dishonourably towards her by incurring the risk, for the
selfish motive of his own gratification, of placing her in a worse
position than the one she occupied at home! And still more than this,
he must have had to consider with anxiety the probability of having to
provide for an increasing family, with all its concomitant expenses.
We say, then, that being married, and the honeymoon over, the husband
must necessarily return to his usual occupations, which will, in all
probability, engage the greater part of his thoughts, for he will
now be desirous to have it in his power to procure various little
indulgences for his wife's sake which he never would have dreamed of
for his own. He comes to his home weary and fatigued; his young wife
has had but her pleasures to gratify, or the quiet routine of her
domestic duties to attend to, while he has been toiling through the
day to enable her to gratify these pleasures and to fulfil these
duties. Let then, the dear, tired husband, at the close of his daily
labours, be made welcome by the endearments of his loving spouse--let
him be free from the care of having to satisfy the caprices of a
petted wife. Let her now take her turn in paying those many little
love-begotten attentions which married men look for to soothe
them--let her reciprocate that devotion to herself, which, from the
early hours of their love, he cherished for her, by her ever-ready
endeavours to make him happy and his home attractive.
In the presence of other persons, however, married people should
refrain from fulsome expressions of endearment to each other, the use
of which, although a common practice, is really a mark of bad
taste. It is desirable also to caution them against adopting the
too prevalent vulgarism of calling each other, or indeed any person
whatever, merely by the initial letter of their surname.
A married woman should always be very careful how she receives
personal compliments. She should never court them, nor ever feel
flattered by them, whether in her husband's presence or not. If in
his presence, they can hardly fail to be distasteful to him; if in
his absence, a lady, by a dignified demeanour, may always convince an
assiduous admirer that his attentions are not well received, and at
once and for ever stop all familiar advances. In case of insult, a
wife should immediately make her husband acquainted therewith; as the
only chance of safety to a villain lies in the concealment of such
things by a lady from dread of consequences to her husband. From
that moment he has her at advantage, and may very likely work on
deliberately to the undermining of her character. He is thus enabled
to play upon her fears, and taunt her with their mutual secret and
its concealment, until she may be involved, guilelessly, in a web of
apparent guilt, from which she can never extricate herself without
risking the happiness of her future life.
Not the least useful piece of advice--homely though it be--that we
can offer to newly-married ladies, is to remind them that husbands
are men, and that men must eat. We can tell them, moreover, that men
attach no small importance to this very essential operation, and that
a very effectual way to keep them in good-humour, as well as good
condition, is for wives to study their husband's peculiar likes and
dislikes in this matter. Let the wife try, therefore, if she have not
already done so, to get up a little knowledge of the art of _ordering_
dinner, to say the least of it. This task, if she be disposed to learn
it, will in time be easy enough; moreover, if in addition she should
acquire some practical knowledge of cookery, she will find ample
reward in the gratification it will be the means of affording her
husband.
Servants are difficult subjects for a young wife to handle: she
generally either spoils them by indulgence, or ruins them by finding
fault unfairly. At last they either get the better of her, or she is
voted too bad for them. The art lies in steady command and management
of yourself as well as them. The well-known Dr. Clark, who was always
well served, used to say, "It is so extremely difficult to get good
servants, that we should not lightly give them up when even tolerable.
My advice is, bear a little with them, and do not be too sharp; pass
by little things with gentle reprehension: now and then a little
serious advice does far more good than sudden fault-finding when the
offence justly occurs. If my wife had not acted in this way, we must
have been continually changing, and nothing can be more disagreeable
in a family, and, indeed, it is generally disgraceful."
An observance of the few following rules will in all probability
ensure a life of domestic harmony, peace, and comfort:--
To hear as little as possible whatever is to the prejudice of others;
to believe nothing of the kind until you are compelled to admit the
truth of it; never to take part in the circulation of evil report and
idle gossip; always to moderate, as far as possible, harsh and unkind
expressions reflecting upon others; always to believe that if the
other side were heard, a very different account might be given of the
matter.
In conclusion, we say emphatically to the newly-wedded wife, that
attention to these practical hints will prolong her honeymoon
throughout the whole period of wedded life, and cause her husband, as
each year adds to the sum of his happiness, to bless the day when he
first chose her as the nucleus round which he might consolidate the
inestimable blessings of HOME.
"How fair is home, in fancy's pictured theme,
In wedded life, in love's romantic dream!
Thence springs each hope, there every spring returns,
Pure as the flame that upward heavenward burns;
There sits the wife, whose radiant smile is given--
The daily sun of the domestic heaven;
And when calm evening sheds a secret power,
Her looks of love imparadise the hour;
While children round, a beauteous train, appear,
Attendant stars, revolving in her sphere."
HOLLAND'S _Hopes of Matrimony_.