_Viâ_ BERLIN.
The following extracts from official despatches exchanged between
General von Funkinstein and the German Great General Staff have been
communicated to us by a wholly impeachable authority, and are
published with no reserve whatever:--
(1) From the General Officer Commanding, &c.:--
"... with regard to various recent regrettable incidents in which
sections of the Imperial trenches have been captured by native troops
from British India (which, according to the German official programme,
ought to have been in revolt long since) some light has now been cast
upon the probable reason for this. Used as we now are to the contempt
for every rule of civilized warfare displayed by our detestable and
cowardly adversary, this new revelation of his cunning and brutality
will nevertheless come as a shock.
"Aircraft observation has now made it clear that the force immediately
opposed to my command is not the ---- Horse, as was believed, but a
picked body of the First Indian Jugglers, specially recruited for this
campaign. On the occasion of the last attack we were startled about
5.30 A.M. by a prodigious and ear-splitting noise proceeding from the
trenches occupied by these troops--or troupes. Perhaps no soldiers in
the world save our own incomparable warriors, trained to withstand
modern German music, could have endured this ghastly din without
flinching. Before long we observed a confused and stealthy movement on
our front; but what was our emotion to see advancing out of the mist
not the expected native charge, but a double line of trained cobras.
Despite the inevitable shock produced by this discovery, energetic
steps were at once taken to deal with the attack, and a brisk fire was
opened with hand grenades. The results were however negligible, from
the fact that the reptiles, apparently mistaking the hissing of the
fuses for a challenge from others of their own species, instantly and
savagely bit them off, thus rendering the grenades ineffective. Under
these circumstances I had no alternative but to evacuate my position,
a movement that was accomplished in fair order and very creditable
time, myself leading..."
(2) Extract from copy of reply by Chief of Great General Staff,
Berlin:--
"I am commanded by H.I.M. to inform you that you must retake trenches
at once, regardless of loss. Reports of scandalous breach of all
civilised laws forwarded to Presidents Geneva Convention and Hague
Tribunal. Two reserve battalions of Guards leave Potsdam to-night.
Hope that an accentuated mongoose-step movement may crush the new
enemy. Please report at once."
(3) From Same as No. 1:--
"Regret to convey further unfavourable development with regard to our
operations against the Jugglers' Corps. Having tempted a large body of
these into open country some distance to the rear of our original
lines, I ordered an attack in what should have been overwhelming
force. The enemy was at this stage entirely exposed to our fire, being
without any possibility of cover. Unfortunately, just as we had them
at our mercy, a concerted movement by their entire strength, known (I
believe) as the Mango Trick, resulted in the appearance of a dense
grove of these trees, behind which the enemy is at present effectually
screened."
(4) From the same:--
"Our treacherous foe has again escaped us. An heroic attack by the
bayonet upon the Mango Grove mentioned in previous despatch was
successful in capturing the position, but only in time to see the last
unit of the defending force vanishing up a rope, which with a large
number of others was dangling without visible attachment. The effect
of this renewed failure upon the _moral_ of the Imperial army has
unfortunately been considerable. I learn from my agents that the enemy
is now bringing up a number of heavy hypnotists for use against me
personally. Please wire instructions."
(5) From the same as (2):--
"Your resignation on the ground of ill-health regretfully accepted.
Return at once."
* * * * *
"THE SEED OF THE WAR
IN UNIVERSITIES & SCHOOLS
DAN GERSOFFALSEE DUCATION."
_Freeman's Journal._
But why suddenly break into Flemish?
* * * * *