An Englishman, indeuoring sometime to write of our attire, made
sundrie platformes for his purpose, supposing by some of them to find
out one stedfast ground whereon to build the summe of his discourse.
But in the end (like an oratour long without exercise) when he saw
what a difficult péece of worke he had taken in hand, he gaue ouer his
trauell, and onelie drue the picture of a naked man, vnto whome he
gaue a paire of sheares in the one hand, and a peece of cloth in the
other, to the end he should shape his apparell after such fashion as
himselfe liked, sith he could find no kind of garment that could
please him anie while togither, and this he called an Englishman.
[Sidenote: Andrew Beerd.]
Certes this writer (otherwise being a lewd popish hypocrite and
vngratious priest) shewed himselfe herein not to be altogether void of
iudgement, sith the phantasticall follie of our nation, euen from the
courtier to the carter is such, that no forme of apparell liketh vs
longer than the first garment is in the wearing, if it continue so
long and be not laid aside, to receiue some other trinket newlie
deuised by the fickle headed tailors, who couet to haue seuerall
trickes in cutting, thereby to draw fond customers to more expense of
monie. For my part I can tell better how to inueigh against this
[Sidenote: Strange cuts.]
enormitie, than describe anie certeintie of our attire: sithence such
is our mutabilitie, that to daie there is none to the Spanish guise,
to morrow the French toies are most fine and delectable, yer long no
such apparell as that which is after the high Alman fashion, by and by
the Turkish maner is generallie best liked of, otherwise the Morisco
gowns, the Barbarian sléeues, the mandilion worne to Collie weston
ward, and the short French breches make such a comelie vesture, that
except it were a dog in a doublet, you shall not sée anie so
disguised, as are my countrie men of England. And as these fashions
are diuerse, so likewise it is a world to see the costlinesse and the
curiositie: the excesse and the vanitie: the pompe and the brauerie:
the change and the varietie: and finallie the ficklenesse and the
follie that is in all degrees: in somuch that nothing is more constant
[Sidenote: Much cost vpon the bodie, and little vpon the soule.]
in England than inconstancie of attire. Oh how much cost is bestowed
now adaies vpon our bodies and how little vpon our soules! how manie
sutes of apparell hath the one and how little furniture hath the
other? how long time is asked in decking vp of the first, and how
little space left wherin to féed the later? how curious, how nice also
are a number of men and women, and how hardlie can the tailor please
them in making it fit for their bodies? how manie times must it be
sent backe againe to him that made it? what chafing, what fretting,
what reprochfull language doth the poore workeman beare awaie? and
manie times when he dooth nothing to it at all, yet when it is brought
home againe it is verie fit and handsome; then must we put it on, then
must the long seames of our hose be set by a plumb-line, then we
puffe, then we blow, and finallie sweat till we drop, that our clothes
may stand well vpon vs. I will saie nothing of our heads, which
sometimes are polled, sometimes curled, or suffered to grow at length
like womans lockes, manie times cut off aboue or vnder the eares round
as by a woodden dish. Neither will I meddle with our varietie of
[Sidenote: Beards.]
beards, of which some are shauen from the chin like those of Turks,
not a few cut short like to the beard of marques Otto, some made round
like a rubbing brush, other with a pique de vant (O fine fashion!) or
now and then suffered to grow long, the barbers being growen to be so
cunning in this behalfe as the tailors. And therefore if a man haue a
leane and streight face, a marquesse Ottons cut will make it broad and
large; if it be platter like, a long slender beard will make it séeme
the narrower; if he be wesell becked, then much heare left on the
chéekes will make the owner looke big like a bowdled hen, and so grim
as a goose, if Cornelis of Chelmeresford saie true: manie old men doo
weare no beards at all. Some lustie courtiers also and gentlemen of
courage, doo weare either rings of gold, stones, or pearle in their
eares, whereby they imagine the workemanship of God not to be a little
amended. But herein they rather disgrace than adorne their persons, as
by their nicenesse in apparell, for which I saie most nations doo not
vniustlie deride vs, as also for that we doo séeme to imitate all
nations round about vs, wherein we be like to the Polypus or
Chameleon; and therevnto bestow most cost vpon our arses, & much more
than vpon all the rest of our bodies, as women doo likewise vpon their
[Sidenote: Excesse in women.]
heads and shoulders. In women also it is most to be lamented, that
they doo now farre excéed the lightnesse of our men (who neuerthelesse
are transformed from the cap euen to the verie shoo) and such staring
attire as in time past was supposed méet for none but light housewiues
onelie, is now become an habit for chast and sober matrones. What
should I saie of their doublets with pendant codpéeses on the brest
full of iags & cuts, and sléeues of sundrie colours? their
galligascons to beare out their bums & make their attire to sit plum
round (as they terme it) about them? their fardingals, and diuerslie
coloured nether stocks of silke, ierdseie, and such like, whereby
their bodies are rather deformed than commended? I haue met with some
of these trulles in London so disguised, that it hath passed my skill
to discerne whether they were men or women.
Thus it is now come to passe, that women are become men, and men
transformed into monsters: and those good gifts which almightie God
hath giuen vnto vs to reléeue our necessities withall (as a nation
turning altogither the grace of God into wantonnesse, for