entering upon young womanhood she exerts an irresistible attraction on
the male sex. Whether she give the impression of a luscious red rose
or of a delicate white lily, the charms of a beautiful, healthy,
bright girl of seventeen or eighteen are undeniable and their appeal
to the esthetic and sexual sense of every normal male is a normal,
_natural_ phenomenon. Whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that
it is so, we will not stop to discuss here. But it is a natural
phenomenon, a natural law, if you will, and one does not quarrel with
natural phenomena. It is useless. But the attraction which the girl
exercises on the male is fraught with danger to her, and therefore a
few words of advice and of warning are not out of place.
* * * * *
=Temptations.= Fortunate are you, my young girl friend, if you come
from a well-sheltered home, if you have been properly brought up, if
you have a good and wise mother who knows how to take care of you. A
mother's wise counsel given at the proper time, and her comradeship
all the time, are more invulnerable than an armor of bronze and more
secure than locked doors and barred windows. But if you have lost your
mother at an early age, or if your mother is not of the right sort--it
is no use hiding the fact that some mothers are not what they should
be--if you have to shift for yourself, if you have to work in a shop,
in an office, and particularly if you live alone and not with your
parents, then temptations in the shape of men, young and old, will
encounter you at every step; they will swarm about you like flies
about a lump of sugar; they will stick to you like bees to a bunch of
honeysuckle.
I do not want you to get the false idea that all men or most men are
bad and mean, and are constantly on the lookout to ruin young girls.
No. Most men are good and honorable and too conscientious to ruin a
young life. But there are some men, young and old, who are devoid of
any conscience, who are so egotistic that their personal pleasure is
their only guide of conduct. They will pester you. Some will lyingly
claim that they are in love with you; some perhaps will sincerely
believe that they are in love with you, mistaking a temporary passion
for the sacred feeling of love. Some will even promise to marry
you--some making the promise in sincerity, others with the deliberate
intent to deceive. Still others will try to convince you that chastity
is an old superstition, and that there is nothing wrong in sexual
relations. In short, all ways and means will be employed by those men
to induce you to enter into sexual relations with them.
_Don't you do it!_
I am not preaching or sermonizing to you. I am not appealing to your
religion or your morals. For if you have strong religious or moral
ideas against illicit sexual relations, you are not in need of mine or
anybody else's advice. But I assume that you are a more or less modern
girl, with little or no religious bringing-up, or perhaps a radical
girl, who has shaken off the shackles of religion and tradition. And
to you I say: _Don't you do it_. Why? Because your welfare, your
future happiness, is at stake. I am speaking from the point of view of
your own good, and from that point of view I say: Resist all attempts
which men make exclusively for the purpose of satisfying their sexual
desire, their lust.
You will ask again, why? For several reasons. First, you run the risk
of venereal infection. The danger is not so great now as in former
times, but is great enough. There are still plenty of men dishonest
enough to indulge in sexual relations with a woman when they know they
are not radically cured. The same man who will not get married unless
he is sure that he is perfectly cured will not hesitate to subject a
transient girl or woman to the risk of venereal infection. I know
personally, because I have treated them; yes, I treated several
intelligent and radical young men who infected young girls. And some
of these girls in their turn, through ignorance and innocence,
infected other men. So then, the first danger is the danger of
venereal infection.
The second danger, still greater and more certain than the first, is
the danger of impregnation. And pregnancy for a girl under our present
moral and social-economic conditions is a terrible calamity. She is
ostracized everywhere, and it means, if discovered, her social death.
But you will say: "Aren't there any remedies that can be used to
prevent conception? Aren't you yourself among the world's chief
birth-controllers; one of the world's chief advocates of the use of
contraceptives?" Yes, my dear young lady, but I never made the claim
that the contraceptives were _absolutely_ infallible, I never claimed
that they were _100 per cent._ effective in _100 per cent._ of _all_
cases. But if they are effective 999 times or even 990 times in every
1000 they are a blessing. And thousands of families so consider them.
And if a married woman gets caught once in a while, the misfortune is
not so great. But if the accident happens to a non-married woman, the
misfortune _is_ great. Then again, you want to bear in mind that
accidents are less likely to happen to married than to non-married
women. The married woman has no fear, needs no secrecy, and she can go
about the method of preparation carefully, with deliberation. The
unmarried girl, _as a rule_, has not the proper conveniences, more or
less secrecy must be maintained, hurry is not infrequently necessary,
and that is why accidents are more apt to occur in spite of the use of
contraceptives. So then, the second danger, even more sinister than
the first, is the danger of pregnancy. "But if a misfortune happens,
can I not have an abortion produced?" No, not always. Physicians
willing to induce an abortion are not found on every corner. But this
is not the principal point. What I have to say on the subject, I will
say later on in this chapter.
Then it is well for you to bear in mind that those very men who use
their utmost efforts, who strain every fibre and every nerve to get
you, will despise you and detest you as soon as they have succeeded in
making you yield to their wishes. This is one of the worst blots on
the male man's character, a blot from which the female character is
entirely free. And some men--fortunately their number is not very
large--are such moral skunks that they take morbid pleasure in
boasting publicly of their sexual conquests, and unscrupulously peddle
about the name of the girl whom, by cunning false promises or other
means, they succeeded in seducing. And of course such a girl finds it
difficult or impossible to get married, and must end her days in
solitude, without the hope of a home of her own.
For the above reasons I advise you earnestly and sincerely not to
yield to the solicitations of thoughtless or unscrupulous men, who
think of nothing but their coarse sensual pleasures. It is advice
dictated by common sense, by your own deeper interest, aside from any
religious or moral considerations.
The above advice, or call it sermon if you will, is meant principally
for young girls, girls between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five.
If a girl has reached the age of twenty-eight or thirty and is
willing to enter upon illicit sexual relations with her eyes open,
with a full knowledge of the possible consequences, then it is her
affair, and nobody shall say her nay. Nobody has a right to interfere.
Nor should my advice be understood as directed to cases where there is
sincere reciprocal affection and a mutual understanding. This is an
entirely different matter, and has nothing to do with cases where the
man is the pursuer or seducer and the woman an unwilling or reluctant
victim.
But whatever the relations between the man and the girl may be,
whether she yielded in a fit of passion, or was seduced by false
promises, by "moral" suasion, by hypnotic influence or by the vulgar
method of being made drunk, what is she to do if she finds herself, to
her horror, in a pregnant condition? There are two ways open to her:
either let the pregnancy go to term or to have an abortion brought on.
If she lets the pregnancy go to term she has the alternative of
bringing up the child herself openly or of placing it secretly in a
foundling asylum. In the first case, the necessity of publicly
acknowledging illegitimate motherhood requires so much moral courage
that not one woman in a thousand is equal to it. It is not moral
courage alone that is required; the social ostracism could be borne
with stoicism and even with equanimity, if with it were not frequently
associated the fear or the real danger of starvation. For under our
present system the illegitimate mother finds many avenues of activity
closed to her. A school teacher would lose her position instantly, and
so would a woman in any public position. It is feared that her example
might have a contaminating influence on the children or on her fellow
workers. Nor could she be a social worker--I know of more than one
woman who lost her position with social or philanthropic institutions
as soon as it was discovered that she did not live up strictly to the
conventional code of sex morality. Nor could she be a private
governess.
It is thus seen that to acknowledge one's self an illegitimate mother
requires so much courage, so much sacrifice, that very, very few
mothers are now found that are equal to the task. Especially so when
it is taken into consideration that the humiliations and indignities
to which the child is subjected and the later reproaches of the child
itself make the mother's life a veritable hell. So this alternative is
generally out of the question.
To give the child to a foundling asylum or to a "baby farm" means
generally to condemn it to a slow death--and not such a slow one,
either. For as statistics show about ninety to ninety-five per cent.
of all babies in those institutions die within a few months. And the
very few who survive and grow up have not a happy life. Life is hard
enough for anybody; for children who come into the world handicapped
by the disgrace of illegitimacy, life is torture indeed. It is with a
breaking heart generally and because there is no other way out of the
dilemma that a mother puts her baby away in a foundling asylum. She
hopes and prays for its speedy death.
Taking into consideration the pitifully unhappy lot of the
illegitimate mother and illegitimate child, it is no wonder that every
unmarried woman, as soon as she finds herself pregnant, is frantically
determined to get rid of the child in the womb as soon as possible.
And abortion thrives in every civilized country. Thousands and
thousands of doctors and semi-doctors and midwives are making a rich
living in this country from practicing abortion. The greater the
disgrace with which illegitimacy is considered in a country, the
stricter the prohibition against the use of measures for the
prevention of conception, the greater the number of abortions in that
country. But abortion is not a trifle, to be undertaken with a light
heart. It is true that if performed by a thoroughly competent
physician, with all aseptic precautions, it is practically free from
danger. But when performed by a careless physician or an ignorant
midwife, trouble is apt to happen. Blood poisoning may set in, and the
patient may be very sick for a time, and may on recovery from the
acute illness remain a chronic invalid for life. And occasionally the
patient dies. Whether or not abortion is justifiable under special
circumstances is a separate question, which I have discussed in
another place. But leaving aside the ethics of the question, if you
have determined to have an abortion produced, be sure to go to a
conscientious physician, and avoid the quacks and midwives. An
unexpected and undesired pregnancy is punishment enough and there is
no reason why you should be further punished by becoming a chronic
invalid or by paying with your life. There is no sense in it. Nobody
will profit by your invalidism or your death.
I do not wish to leave this topic without re-emphasizing the fact that
abortion is not a trifle, to be undertaken or even to be spoken of
lightly. Too many women, not only in the radical ranks, but in the
conservative ranks as well, are in the habit of considering abortion
as a joke, a trifling annoyance, something like a cold in the head,
which, while disagreeable, is sure to pass away in a day or two. They
know Mrs. A and Mrs. B and perhaps Miss C who had abortions produced
on them and in two or three days they were as good as ever. Yes. But
they do not know Miss D who is resting in her grave, nor do they know
why Miss E and Mrs. F are invalids for life. The women who get over
their abortion experiences easily are apt to talk of their good luck;
the women who have become chronic invalids or who are resting in their
graves as a result of an abortion are not apt to talk of the matter.
And therefore, once more, remember, an abortion is no trifling matter.
One other piece of advice and I am through. Some men of a low moral and
mental caliber are under the influence of the pernicious idea that if a
girl has lost her virginity--no matter under what circumstances--she no
longer amounts to much and is free prey for everybody who may want her.
And, like beasts of prey, these wretched specimens of humanity pester
such a girl with much more impudence, more brazenness than they dare to
employ in the case of a girl who is still considered a virgin. And,
what is more, the girls themselves become poisoned with this pernicious
idea and dare not offer the same resistance that the virgin does. And
they often yield with resignation, though against their will, and
though they may experience a feeling of disgust against the man.
Now again, _don't you do it_. Do not nurse the medieval idea that
because you are not a virgin in the physical sense, you are "ruined,"
"no good," and an outcast. You are nothing of the kind. If through
some cause or other you are no longer in possession of an intact
hymen, it is your affair or misfortune, and nobody else's. Do not on
that account cast your eyes down and avoid meeting people. Carry your
head high, do not fear to meet people, and treat with contempt the
jeers of the stupid and ignorant. A person's entire character does not
depend upon the presence or absence of the hymen, and one misstep
should not ruin a person's whole life. A boy is not "ruined," is not
an outcast, because he has had sexual relations before marriage, and
while the boy's and girl's cases are not exactly identical, still the
poor girl should not be made to expiate one error all her life long.
It isn't fair.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
ADVICE TO PARENTS OF UNFORTUNATE GIRLS
Attitude of Parents Towards Unfortunate Girl--The Case of Edith
and What Her Father Did--The Pitiful Cases of Mary B. and Bridget
C.
Suppose you are the parents of a girl to whom a misfortune has
happened. I admit it is a misfortune, a catastrophe. Probably the
greatest catastrophe that, under our present social system, can happen
to an unmarried young woman. What are you going to do? Are you going to
disgrace her--incidentally disgracing yourselves--are you going to kick
her out of the house, condemning her to a suicide's grave, or to a life
that is often worse than death? Or are you going to stand by her in her
dark hours, to shield her, to surround her with a wall of protection
against a cruel and wantonly inquisitive world, and thus earn her
eternal gratitude, and put her on the path of self-improvement and
useful social work? Which shall it be? But before you decide, kindly
bear in mind that your girl is not entirely to blame; that some of the
blame lies with you. If she had been _properly_ brought up, this would
not have happened. I know such a thing could never have happened in my
household. But I know how I would have acted if such a thing had
happened. And I will tell you how one father and mother did act under
the circumstances.
They were far from rich; just fairly comfortable; they had a
well-paying store. Edith was their treasure, because she was so pretty
and so full of life. Unfortunately, she was too pretty and too full of
life. She was only seventeen, but was fully developed, and had many
empty-headed young admirers, who showered upon her silly compliments
and cloying sweets. She became frivolous and flirtatious and was
beginning to do poorly in high school. She failed in her last year,
and refused to take the year over again. Now, all the time being her
own, and having nobody to give any account to, she began to go out a
good deal, and more than ever indulged in flirtations. One night she
stayed out later than usual, her parents were worried, and when she
came home about two in the morning there was a quarrel, and the
father, who was a strict, impulsive man, gave her a pretty good
beating. After that she went out very little, kept to herself, became
rather melancholy, lost her appetite, and did not sleep well. To all
inquiries she answered that there was nothing the matter with her,
that she just felt a little indisposed. Four or five months thus
passed.
But finally the condition could no longer be concealed. The mother was
the first one to discover it. When the fact dawned upon her
consciousness that her beautiful, not quite eighteen-year-old Edith
was pregnant she promptly fell in a faint and it took Edith and the
maid quite some time to restore her to consciousness. She became
distracted. She floundered about pitifully, not knowing what to do,
what decision to reach. She tried to conceal the matter from the
father, but he saw that there was something wrong and it didn't take
him long to worm the truth out of her. As the mother on learning the
tragic truth had taken refuge in a dead faint, so he took refuge in a
Berserker rage. He fumed and stormed and was in danger of an
apoplectic stroke. He wanted to strike the daughter, but the mother
interfered. He then ordered Edith to get out of the house and never to
cross his threshold again. Edith looked at him to see if he meant it;
the mother tried to intercede; but he was inflexible, and demanded
that she leave at once. Edith began to gather a few of her belongings,
the tears silently rolling down her face.
And here a sudden change came over the father. Some men (and women)
are crushed by small misfortunes; real catastrophes awaken their
finer qualities, which lay dormant within them and which might have
remained dormant within them forever. In these few minutes he seems to
have undergone a complete metamorphosis. He went up to Edith, took her
in his arms, kissed her, told her to stay, to calm down and they would
see what could be done. In a few days she was taken over to a
physician who performed an abortion. She was a pretty sick girl for
about six weeks, and at one time there was danger of blood poisoning
setting in. But she recovered. And she was a different girl. She had
shed her frivolity and lightheartedness like an old garment. She took
her last year in high school over again, entered Barnard, from which
she was graduated among the very first, and soon began to teach in
that very high school in which she had been a pupil. One of the
teachers fell in love with her and she fell in love with him. He asked
her to marry him. She wanted no skeleton from the past coming down
rattling its bones and marring their married life, and she told him of
the unfortunate incident. A good test, by the way, to find out a man's
real love and breadth of character. Fortunately the man's love was a
true love, not merely passion, and he was truly broadminded, which is
not a very common thing among school-teachers. Their married life is
an uncloudedly happy one. And the relation between the daughter and
the parents is one of sincere love and deep mutual respect.
Isn't it better so?
Didn't Edith's parents act more decently, more kindly, more humanely,
more wisely than the parents, say, of Mary B, who, when they found out
her condition, put her out of the house, into which she was brought
back two days later a corpse, fished out from the East River? Didn't
Edith's father act more nobly, more wisely even from a purely selfish
point of view than the father of Bridget C, who kicked his daughter
out penniless into the street, where he had to see her afterwards
powdered and painted soliciting men and boys? The mother died of a
broken heart, and the father, unable to bear the constant, daily
repeated disgrace, became an incorrigible drunkard.
Fathers and mothers! So bring up your daughters, so guard them and
protect them, that the misfortune of an illegitimate pregnancy may not
befall them. But if the misfortune has befallen them, then stand by
them! Do not desert them then in these dark hours, the darkest hours
in a girl's life. Do not kick them--they are down enough. Stand by
them, and they will become good women and you will have their eternal
gratitude. If you do not stand by them, you are worse than the beasts
of the jungle and deserve their eternal curse. You are unworthy to be,
or to be called, parents, for you are devoid of the least spark of
that sacred feeling called Parental Love, a feeling which
unfortunately in only too many parents is replaced by nothing but the
most sordid, most brutal egotism.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
SEXUAL RELATIONS DURING MENSTRUATION
Heightened Sexual Appetite of Many Women During
Menstruation--Sexual Intercourse During Menstrual Period--When
Intercourse May be Permitted--Injection Before Coitus During
Menstruation--Fallacy of Ancient Idea of Injuriousness.
This may seem to some a strange and superfluous question, a question
which would never present itself. Still the laity would be surprised
if it learned how frequently nowadays that question is presented to
the physician who specializes in sex matters. Some husbands come to
the physician complaining that the menses are the only period during
which their wives demand sex relations, and ask if something cannot be
done to cure them of what they consider an abnormal desire.
Biologically considered, the desire on the woman's part for sex
relations during the menses should not seem strange or abnormal, for
we must bear in mind that menstruation bears a certain analogy to the
rut in animals. And animals permit intercourse at no time except
during the rut.
Recent investigations have disclosed to fact that the number of women
whose sexual appetite is _heightened_ during the time immediately
preceding, during, and following the menses, is quite considerable.
And there is also a smaller percentage of women who experience the
desire _at no other time except_ during the menses.
Speaking generally, relations during the menses should be discouraged.
There are several reasons for it. The first reason, which need not be
gone into in detail, is an esthetic one. The second reason is that
intercourse during menstruation may in some cases lead to congestion
of the uterus and ovaries. Third, the menstrual discharge, which as we
know does not consist of pure blood but is a mixture of blood, mucus,
and degenerated lining membrane of the uterus, may give rise to a
catarrh of the urethra in the man. Fourth, and this is a point to be
borne in mind, any discharge that a woman may be suffering from is
always aggravated during menstruation. For these reasons relations
during the menses are undesirable.
But where the woman has strong libido during that time and has no
libido at any other time, relations may be indulged in during the last
day or two of the menses. Any unpleasantness may be obviated and any
discharge may be removed by the woman taking a mild, warm, antiseptic
injection before coitus. The ancient idea of the injuriousness of the
relations during menstruation and the disastrous results likely to
follow them have only a very slender foundation. They rest on no
scientific basis and though it may be sad to state facts, there are
many couples who do indulge in such relations as a regular thing and
without any injury to either husband or wife.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE DURING PREGNANCY
Complete Abstinence During-Pregnancy--Bad Results of Complete
Abstinence--Intensity of Relations During First Four
Months--Intercourse During Fifth, Sixth and Seventh
Months--Intercourse During Eighth and Ninth Months--Abstinence
After Birth of Child.