Dear God in heaven, what shall I do? He has abandoned me, John has
turned against me at last. Has denounced me as wicked, and hateful, has
accused me of wrecking his life and breaking his wife's heart--as if she
had a heart, as if I had not saved him from despair, as if I had not
sacrificed my name, my hopes, on earth and in heaven to make him happy.
O God, why hast Thou persecuted me so fiercely always? What made You
hate me so? Why didn't You give me a decent home as a child? Why did You
throw me into the snares of those vile men? Why did You make me
beautiful and weak and trusting? Why didn't You make me ugly and
suspicious and hateful so that I could be good?
And now, now that I am no longer a girl, now that the wrinkles are
coming, and the fat and the dullness, why didst Thou throw me into the
way of this man who promised to love me forever, who promised me and
praised me and called me his real wife, only to tire of me and tear my
hands away and go back to her?
But don't let him have her, don't let him be happy with her, while I
grovel here in shame! I can't bear the thought of that, I can't imagine
him in her arms telling her how good she is and how bad I was. I'd
rather kill them both. Isn't that best, O Lord--to kill them both--to
kill her, anyway? Then I can kill myself and he will be sorry. Don't let
him have both of us, O God. Am I going mad, or do I hear Thy voice
telling me to act? Yes, it is Thy voice. Thou hast answered. I will do
as Thou dost command. Perhaps he is going there to-night. I will go to
the house and wait in the shadow and when he comes to the door and she
comes to meet him I will shoot her and myself, and then he shall be
punished as he should be.
I thank Thee, God, for showing me the way. Guide my arm and my heart and
don't let me be afraid to die or to make her die. Forgive my sins and
take me into Thy peace, O God, for I am tired of life and the wickedness
of the world. Amen. Amen.