"Who do I kiss when I kiss you? That's a funny question!"
He laughed solemnly. Then he made a very long speech, for him; and she
listened to it with the attention due to that most fascinating of
themes, the discussion of oneself by another.
"Pheeny, when I was about knee-high to a grasshopper I went over to play
in Tim Holdredge's father's orchard; and when I started for home there
was a big dawg in old Mrs. Pittinger's front yard, and it jumped round
and barked at me. I guess it was just playing, because, as I remember it
now, it was wagging its tail, and afterward I found out it was only a
cocker spaniel; but I thought it was a wolf and was going to eat me. I
begun to cry, and I was afraid to go backward or to go forward. And by
and by a little girl came along and asked me what I was crying about,
and I said, 'About the dawg!' And the little girl said: 'O-oh! He's big,
ain't he?' And I said, 'He's goin' to eat one of us all up!' And the
little girl said: 'Aw, don't you care! You take a-holt of my hand and
I'll run past with you; and if he bites he'll bite me first and you can
git away!' She was as scared as I was, but she grabbed my hand and we
got by without being et up. Do you remember who that little girl was?"
The hand in his seemed to remember. The fingers of it closed on his a
moment, then relaxed as if to listen for more. He mused on:
"I wasn't very big for my size even then, and I wasn't very brave ever.
I didn't like to fight, like the other boys did, and I used to rather
take a lickin' than give one. Well, one day I was playin' marbles with
another boy, and he said I cheated when I won his big taw; but I didn't.
He wanted to fight, though, and he hit me; and I wouldn't hit back. He
was smaller than what I was, and he give me a lot of lip and dared me to
fight; and I just couldn't. He said I was afraid, and so did the other
boys; and I guess I was. It seemed to me I was more afraid of hurtin'
somebody else than gettin' hurt myself; but I guess I was just plain
afraid. The other boys began to push me round and call me a cowardy
calf, and I began to cry. I wanted to run home, but I was afraid to
start to run. And then a little girl came along and said: 'What's the
matter, Eddie? What you cryin' for?' And I said, 'They're all pickin' on
me and callin' me cowardy calf!' And she said: 'Don't you care! You come
right along with me; and if one of 'em says another word to you I'll
scratch their nasty eyes out!' Do you remember that, Pheeny?"
Her other hand came forward and embraced his wrist.
"And another time you found me cryin'. I was a little older, and I'd
studied hard and tried to get my lessons good; but I failed in the
exam'nations, and I was goin' to tie a rock round my neck and jump in
the pond. But you said: 'Aw, don't you care, Eddie! I didn't pass in
mine, either!'
"And when I wanted to go to college, and Uncle Loren wouldn't send me, I
didn't cry outside, but I cried inside; and I told you and you said:
'Don't you care! I don't get to go to boardin'-school myself.'
"And when I was fool enough to think I liked that no-account Luella
Thickins, and thought I'd go crazy because her wax-doll face wouldn't
smile for me, you said: 'Don't you care, Eddie! You're much too good for
her. I think you're the finest man in the country.'
"And when the baby didn't come and I acted like a baby myself, you said:
'Don't you care, Eddie! Ain't we got each other?'
"Seems like ev'ry time I been ready to lay down and die you've been
there with your old 'Don't you care! It's going to be all right!'
"Just last night I had a turrible dream. I didn't tell you about it for
fear it would upset you. I dreamed I got awful sick at the office. I
couldn't seem to add the figures right and the old desk wabbled. Finally
I had to leave off and start for home, though it was only a quarter of
twelve; and I had to set down on Doc Noxon's horse-block and on
Holdredge's wall to rest; and I couldn't get our gate open. And you run
out and dragged me in, and got me up-stairs somehow, and sent Delia
around for the doctor.
"Doc Noxon made you have a trained nurse, but I couldn't stand her; and
I wouldn't take medicine from anybody but you. I don't suppose I was
dreamin' more 'n a few minutes, all told; but it seemed like I laid
there for weeks, till one day Doc Noxon called you out of the room. I
couldn't hear what he was saying, but I heard you let out one horrible
scream, and then I heard sounds like he was chokin' you, and you kept
sayin': 'Oh no! No! No!'
"I tried to go and help you, but I couldn't lift my head. By and by you
come back, with your eyes all red. Doc Noxon was with you and he called
the nurse over to him. You come to me and tried to smile; and you said:
"'Well, honey, how are you now?'
"Then I knew what the doctor had told you and I was worse scared than
when the black dawg jumped at me. I tried to be brave, but I never could
seem to be. I put out my hands to you and hollered:
"'Pheeny, I'm goin' to die! I know I'm goin' to die! Don't let me go!
I'm afraid to die!'"
Now the hands clenched his with a frenzy that hurt--but beautifully.
And he kissed the wedding-ring as he finished:
"And you dropped down to me on the floor by the bed and took my
hands--just like that. And you whispered: 'Don't you care, honey! I'll
go with you. Don't you care!'
"And the fever seemed to cool out of me, and I kind of smiled and wasn't
afraid any more; and I turned my face to you and kissed you--like this,
Pheeny.
"Why, you've been cryin', haven't you? You mustn't cry--you mustn't! All
those girls I been tellin' you about are the girl I kiss when I kiss
you, Pheeny. There couldn't be anybody as beautiful as you are to me.
"I ain't 'mounted to much; but it ain't your fault. I wouldn't have
'mounted to anything at all if it hadn't been for you, Pheeny; and I
been the happiest feller in all this world--or I have been up to now.
I'm awful lonedsome just now. Don't you s'pose you could spare me a
kiss?"
She spared him one.
Then the cook pounded on the door and called through in a voice that
threatened to warp the panels: "Ain't you folks ever comin' down to
dinner? I've rang the bell three times. Everything's all cold!"
But it wasn't. Everything was all warm.