twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you
other sorts of tales.
In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_
how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that
she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished
room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all
the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he
begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets
some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a
vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for
them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other
savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and
then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from
it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer
then he was before; and what need he care for it then.
Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a
little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should
speak of their own Commodities.
O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many
ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you
are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and
discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to
keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had
feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had
caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.
At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely
these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish
there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably
handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that
Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with
his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped
it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed
to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.
In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris
_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously
stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running
thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her
Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
then again to have her stockins soled.
It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to
a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece
M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close
conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last
there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair.
Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twit
one another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet
compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the
corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other
watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling
under her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from some
obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continue
so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of
her distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.
Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard such
rapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve
there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented
their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was
sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly and
liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat your
self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon
Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to
him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take
a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all
things, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my
wife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she
doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve her
gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good
body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &
there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in
a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at
the least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her
Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but
then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now
by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill
about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the
Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than
before.
And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but
yet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls
so bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss,
that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead of
putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, &
sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of
it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnen
bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked body
only in the blanket alone.
O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and
entertained all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their
curious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertaining
their husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing of
you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talk
as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.
Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds
to the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master _Laugh wel_, that's a Child! who
ever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have
such a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alone
together, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould.
Stay a little, stay a little, saith _Master Fillup_, it may be you
would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who
were Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an
Alehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of
them said; Cocksbobs _Jack_ if I had but a Wife, as well as another,
I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith the
t'other, it is an easie thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If I
would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within the
space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a wager
between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of
dores just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets
length, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an
errand for her Mistris, and he presently laies her on board. But she
seemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about her
business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred by a
strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he,
you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may
certainly beleeve that it is an honest person who speaks to you, and
only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous good
condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier,
and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please
to admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest
man, and none of those that go about to ly and deceive any body; and
indeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothing
but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time found
one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms.
But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to a
Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort of
levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldom
advanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldiers
life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that
was under the Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical
pride did any waies take place by them, but that they, on the
contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into their
thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again,
all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our
selves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, having
alwaies something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart,
doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's
no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies
see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards
and Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c.
In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the
more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her
Mistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration. He
answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we spend time in
thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any
thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally
falls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ah
my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder
comes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time,
till that be past by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for
otherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldier
neither woos nor threatens long.
Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by
the Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box
for a pledge of marriage; and desired something of her in like manner
for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted so
strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge of
marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto
his Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the
Garter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it
was, what her name was, and where she dwelt, &c. And being told by
another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well complexion'd Maid,
By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that I
could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if
you will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the
Maid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l
hardly know whether it be me or another.
Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine were
spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged to
keep it secret.
This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the
hour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to
her several passages that were passed between them the day before, and
shewing her the Garter, made her beleeve that he was the person that
had contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leaves
her service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed,
is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the
second performed; for just nine months after they were married, she
was brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived very
peaceably and quietly together.
Well, I'l vow, saith Master _Crossgrain_, that's a very notable
relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then
like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to
you.
_Barebeard_ and _Mally_, who by a sudden accident, without much
wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was
published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that
they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would
discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the
Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes
themselves, which hapned so.
_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained that
he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a
good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish
Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of
mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the
Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired
his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it
much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She
on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the
streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a
Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon
his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think
that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps
when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth
for the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered,
may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that
he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness,
and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your
Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I
should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go
alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.
The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such
sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said _Barebeard_,
may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with
whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes.
Presently _Barebeard_ thrusting his head out at the dore, calls out
aloud, _Peg_ do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would
be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall
seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in
this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my _Hal_ to
have tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me at
another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most
shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might
very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second
consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But
_Barebeard_ being now married with _Peg_, they got no children: And
_Mall_ being married to _Hal_, they had both a Son and a Daughter at
one birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance _Mall_
had made with _Barebeard_ before hand, & why she would rather marry
with Hall then with him.
To this again Mistris _Sweetmouth_ relates, that she had been several
times invited to Mistris _Braves_ labour; and that she had been twice
brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last
encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she
presented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would
equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk
again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she
calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate
pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which
she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the
wonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir,
as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just
cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise
like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to
be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high
doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.
But this Story was hardly told before Mistris _Tittle-tattle_ pursued
it with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two
years ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris _Gay_, who was then brought
to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the
Labour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the
stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither
Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only the
assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered
of two gallant Children; but they did not live long.
Upon my word, said Mistris _Bounce-about_, it is an excellent help
when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It
hapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat
late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour,
said this, Mistris _Bounce-about_, if you would now take a walk to the
Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor
weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an
hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep;
before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband
must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the
Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what they
could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any
bodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were
done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the
Christning cloath instead of the Blanket.
And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would
burthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more,
because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, when
the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times
they spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that are
enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that their
tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who
hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is
high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the
child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.
Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be
presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind
and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that
you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to
your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you
receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their
wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast,
to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they
peep into all nooks and corners.
Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but
prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such
another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a
year?
Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your
running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by her
self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But
Nurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies
sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among
the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'l
go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce:
because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in
their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the
times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little
mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a
couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for your
sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises
but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made
your bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nurse
keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up
the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to
have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and
then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the
twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of
the Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in
to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known
that the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't do
it that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to get
their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again
think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more
care they will take for the Child.
Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs
amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will
nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be
sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of your
self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows
whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet
with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed
woman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you may
certainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that
you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider with
her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so
that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.
Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist
and mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a
mess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that
you'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess of
body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body
that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your
attendance, unless they want you again.
O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that
you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the
Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following.
* * * * *
THE TENTH PLEASURE.
_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths._
Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that of
Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verily
one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it is
impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to
display it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst
Painter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but a
dead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that is
found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables but
it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness
of one of the nine Parts.
Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so
short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these
Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before
the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other.
[Illustration: Folio 188. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine in
their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity;
for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be put
in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!
'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.