the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their
superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a
thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible
charges and great expence.
But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us
some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing
desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy
Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for
Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed
for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear
before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real
longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate
desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply
imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and
t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all,
is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly
for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very
middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young
Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not
without paying excessive dear for them.
This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and
nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how
often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that
both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night,
must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or
some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before
hath an appetite prepared for it?
Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon
multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a
griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion
Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new
work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what
he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other
Physick taken for it.
But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as
the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the
Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge
touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is
fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her
good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white
Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar,
and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know
where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found
in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of
those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also
ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or
Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the
second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and
the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a
glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb,
and occasions you a good quickness, &c.
Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much
better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal
of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the
back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable
ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that
Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good
an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or
with an antipathy, by the Patient.
Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a
higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and
your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and
pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes
you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also
now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a
thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties.
Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six
months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly
when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in
season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then
that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.
Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not
these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a
beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as
a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart,
and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience
thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to
be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will,
perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at
this happiness.
But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and
Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you
thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely
admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected,
and in a manner too late to repent of.
Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into
the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this
unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this
state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is
spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all
to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a
Midwife and Nurse._
In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron
from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may
plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one
acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a
great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to
be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to
provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you
need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will
happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff
unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist
(as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full
created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.
And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail,
that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John
Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for
quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because
you could have no witnesse for your vindication.
You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted
with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable
for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.
O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide
for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the
months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath
she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you,
because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that
the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger,
and increaseth the affections.
Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the
Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the
disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there
is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations;
But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no
speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her:
besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone
till another time.
Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in
requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her!
the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full
of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not
so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it.
Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak
to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so
imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but
her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what
belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her
acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently
ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then,
so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht
upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers
were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In
the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are
then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word
is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women
generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.
But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the
Maid.
To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the
Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her
Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the
Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom,
trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells,
quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to
school to learn casting of an account.
Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the
charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to
market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very
fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice
what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it
might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now
possess.
Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to
your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies
accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all
things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed
linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were
made.
But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice;
for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go
and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the
time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.
Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l
find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you
glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of
importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse,
because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of
the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.
Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and
acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your
advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you
may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a
little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for
all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst
the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is
not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced,
another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth
hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short
there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good
woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse
the best.
And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse,
having already spent above a months time in examining among her
kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such
nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few
to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very
great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a
third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much,
and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid,
and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a
one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to
make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a
matter of no small weight.
Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you
may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a
wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns
and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very
cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till
evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that
nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how
mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!
And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments;
but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that
she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there
wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to
it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with
the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again
there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver
candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought &
used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not
fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too &
again.
Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all
these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could
begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom;
and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the
rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the
Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good
woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring
eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.
These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly
the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it
oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she
is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she
happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an
alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or
other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor
husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some
Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such
sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal
keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O
how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her
child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which
makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical
humours.
But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not
only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that
some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and
withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that
noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect &
reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your
first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither
will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several
liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above
others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.
Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then
suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges
to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the
World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with
your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine,
for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the
Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the
long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will
come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much
joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come
also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.
Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to
appear.
* * * * *
THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
_The Woman falls in Labour._
Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent
and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you
now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or
unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of
these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the
longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very
unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble,
grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and
fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.
But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said
that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then?
should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book,
and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her
reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the
Trade goes forwards.
[Illustration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near
or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress,
and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of
them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every
day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them,
they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very
unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time
to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing
upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife
with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions
for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye;
neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should
not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because
she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.
Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the
Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the
maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night,
whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells
in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City:
(for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that
she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).
Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for
a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the
sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not
find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to
some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should
happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this
Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take
any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.
But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter,
vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in
labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for
that time.
But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the
best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto
you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a
hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from
all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the
grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your
self did expect you should have been.
Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out
of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's
great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love
your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is
also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very
first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &
do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless
you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full
scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:
For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all
things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again;
therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed
imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar
good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to
her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them
very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities,
it is taken to be no small affront.
It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards
would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard,
that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing
before her self; little considering how few people the young people
had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and
unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a
method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen
between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed
the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.
'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little
doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble
School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that
this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they
that are well instructed in it.
Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there
not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor
Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is
in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head,
not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and
the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected,
because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up
before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of
another, though they be all near relations and friends.
Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself.
Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good
Stierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first
backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath
the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool
gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those
things he most stands in need of.
Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not
think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are
not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the
Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both
the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris
_Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out.