Colonel Sterett's Reminiscences
"An' who is Colonel William Greene Sterett, you asks?" repeated the
Old Cattleman, with some indignant elevation of voice. "He's the
founder of the Coyote, Wolfville's first newspaper; is as cultivated
a gent that a-way as acquires his nose-paint at the Red Light's bar;
an' comes of as good a Kaintucky fam'ly as ever distils its own
whiskey or loses its money on a hoss. Son, I tells you this prior."
This last reproachfully.
"No, Colonel Sterett ain't old none--not what you-all would call
aged. When he comes weavin' into Wolfville that time, I reckons now
Colonel Sterett is mighty likely about twenty-odd years younger than
me, an' at that time I shows about fifty rings on my horns. As for
eddication, he's shore a even break with Doc Peets, an' as I remarks
frequent, I never calls the hand of that gent in Arizona who for a
lib'ral enlightenment is bullsnakes to rattlesnakes with Peets.
"Speakin' about who Colonel Sterett is, he onfolds his pedigree in
full one evenin' when we're all sort o' self-herded in the New York
Store. Which his story is a proud one, an' I'm a jedge because comin
as I do from Tennessee myse'f, nacherally I saveys all about
Kaintucky. Thar's three grades of folks in Kaintucky, the same bein'
contingent entire on whereabouts them folks is camped. Thar's the
Bloo Grass deestrict, the Pennyr'yal deestrict, an' the Purchase.
The Bloo Grass folks is the 'ristocrats, while them low-flung trash
from the Purchase is a heap plebeian. The Pennyr'yal outfit is kind
o' hesitatin' 'round between a balk an' a break-down in between the
other two, an' is part 'ristocratic that a-way an' part mud. As for
Colonel Sterett, he's pure strain Bloo Grass, an' he shows it. I'll
say this for the Colonel, an' it shorely knits me to him from the
first, he could take a bigger drink of whiskey without sugar or
water than ever I sees a gent take in my life.
"That time I alloods to, when Colonel Sterett vouchsafes them
recollections, we-all is in the r'ar wareroom of the New York Store
where the whiskey bar'ls be, samplin' some Valley Tan that's jest
been freighted in. As she's new goods, that Valley Tan, an' as our
troo views touchin' its merits is important to the camp, we're
testin' the beverage plenty free an' copious. No expert gent can
give opinions worth a white chip concernin' nosepaint short o' six
drinks, an' we wasn't out to make no errors in our findin's about
that Valley Tan. So, as I relates, we're all mebby some five drinks
to the good, an' at last the talk, which has strayed over into the
high grass an' is gettin' a whole lot too learned an' profound for
most of the herd to cut in on, settles down between Doc Peets an
Colonel Sterett as bein' the only two sports able to protect their
play tharin.
"An' you can go as far as you like on it,' says the Colonel to
Peets, 'I'm plumb wise an' full concernin' the transmigration of
souls. I gives it my hearty beliefs. I can count a gent up the
moment I looks at him; also I knows exactly what he is before he's a
hooman bein'.'
"'That "transmigration" that a-way,' whispers Dan Boggs to Cherokee
Hall, 'ain't no fool of a word. I'll prance over an' pull it on Red
Dog to-morry. Which it's shore doo to strike'em dumb.'
"'Now yere's Hoppin' Harry,' goes on the Colonel p'intin' to a thin,
black little felon with long ha'r like a pony, who's strayed over
from Tucson; 'I gives it out cold, meanin' tharby no offence to our
Tucson friend--I gives it out cold that Hoppin' Harry used to be a
t'rant'ler. First,' continyoos the Colonel, stackin' Harry up mighty
scientific with his optic jest showin' over his glass, 'first I
allows he's a toad. Not a horned toad, which is a valyooed beast an'
has a mission; but one of these yere ornery forms of toads which
infests the East. This last reptile is vulgar-sluggish, a anamile of
few if any virchoos; while the horned toad, so called, come right
down to cases, ain't no toad nohow. It's a false brand, an' he don't
belong with the toad herd at all. The horned toad is a lizard--a
broad kind o' lizard; an' as for bein' sluggish, you let him have
something on his mind speshul, an' he'll shore go careerin' about
plumb swift. Moreover, he don't hop, your horned toad don't, like
them Eastern toads; he stands up on his toes an' paces--he's what
we-all calls on the Ohio River back in my childhood's sunny hours,
"a side-wheeler." Also, he's got a tail. An' as for sperit, let me
tell you this:--I has a horned toad where I'm camped over by the
Tres Hermanas, where I'm deer-huntin'. I wins that toad's love from
the jump with hunks of bread an' salt hoss an' kindred del'cacies.
He dotes on me. When time hangs heavy, I entertains myse'f with a
dooel between Augustus--Augustus bein' the horned toad's name--, an'
a empty sardine box for which he entertains resentments.
"'"Lay for him, Augustus!" I'd say, at the same instant battin' him
in the nose with the box.
"'Of course, Augustus ain't got savey enough to realize I does it.
He allows it's the box that a-way makin' malev'lent bluffs at him.
An' say, pards, it would have made you proud of your country an' its
starry flag to see Augustus arch himse'f for war on them o'casions.
"'Not that Augustus is malignant or evil disposed, nacheral. No,
sir; I've yet to meet up with the toad who has his simple, even,
gen'rous temper or lovin' heart; as trustful too, Augustus is, as
the babe jest born. But like all noble nachers, Augustus is
sensitive, an' he regyards them bats in the nose as insults. As I
says, you-all should have seen him! He'd poise himse'f on his toes,
erect the horn on his nose, same as one of these yere rhinoceroses
of holy writ, an' then the way Augustus hooks an' harasses that
offensive sardine box about the camp is a lesson to folks.'
"'Where's this yere Augustus now?' asks Dan Boggs, who's got all
wropped up in the Colonel's narratifs.
"'Petered,' says the Colonel, an' thar's feelin's in his tones;
'pore Augustus cashes in. He's followin' me about one mornin'
watchin' me hook up--we was gettin' ready to move camp--an' all
inadvertent I backs the wagon onto Augustus. The hind wheel goes
squar' over him an' flattens Augustus out complete. He dies with his
eyes fixed on me, an' his looks says as plain as language, "Cheer
up, Colonel! This yere contreetemps don't change my affections, for
I knows it's a misdeal." You-all can gamble I don't do nothin' more
that day but mourn.'
"'Which I should shorely say so!' says Dan Boggs, an' his voice is
shakin'; 'a-losin' of a gifted horned toad like Augustus! I'd a-
howled like a wolf.'
"'But as I'm sayin',' resoomes the Colonel, after comfortin' himse'f
with about four fingers; 'speakin' of the transmigration of souls, I
goes off wrong about Hoppin' Harry that time. I takes it, he used to
be one of these yere Eastern toads on account of his gait. But I'm
erroneous. Harry, who is little an' spry an' full of p'isen that a-
way, used to be a t'rant'ler. Any gent who'll take the trouble to
recall one of these hairy, hoppin' t'rant'ler spiders who jumps
sideways at you, full of rage an' venom, is bound to be reminded
partic'lar of Hoppin' Harry.'
"'What did you-all use to be yourse'f, Colonel?' asks Enright, who
notices that Hoppin' Harry is beginnin' to bristle some, like he
ain't pleased none with these yere revelations. 'What for a anamile
was you before you're a hooman?'
"'I was a good-nachered hoss,' says the Colonel mighty confident an'
prompt; 'I'm a good-nachered hoss in a country neighborhood, an'
everybody rides me that wants to. However, I allows we better shift
the subject some. If we-all talks about these yere insects an'
reptiles a little longer, Huggins over thar--whose one weakness is
he's too frank with an' puts too much confidence in his licker--will
have another one of them attacks of second sight, which Peets cures
him of that time, an' commence seein' a multitood of heinous
visions.'
"'Of course,' says Enright, plumb p'lite, 'of course, Colonel, I can
tell a whole lot about your fam'ly by jest lookin' at you;
partic'lar where as at present you're about ten drinks ahead; still
thar's nothin' gives me more pleasure than hearin' about the sire
from the colt; an' if you won't receive it resentful, I'd ask you as
to your folks back in Kaintuck.'
"'As you-all knows,' observes Colonel Sterett, 'I was foaled in
Kaintucky; an' I must add, I never recalls that jestly cel'brated
commonwealth with-out a sigh. Its glories, sech as they was before
the war, is fast departin' away. In my yooth, thar is nothin' but a
nobility in Kaintucky; leastwise in the Bloo Grass country, whereof
I'm a emanation. We bred hosses an' cattle, an' made whiskey an'
played kyards, an' the black folks does the work. We descends into
nothin' so low as labor in them halcyon days. Our social existence
is made up of weddin's, infares an' visitin' 'round; an' life in the
Bloo Grass is a pleasant round of chicken fixin's an' flour doin's
from one Christmas to another.'
"'Sech deescriptions,' remarks Enright with emotion an' drawin' the
back of his hand across his eyes, 'brings back my yearlin' days in
good old Tennessee. We-all is a heap like you Kaintucks, down our
way. We was a roode, exyooberant outfit; but manly an' sincere. It's
trooly a region where men is men, as that sport common to our neck
of timber known as "the first eye out for a quart of whiskey"
testifies to ample. Thar's my old dad! I can see him yet,' an' yere
Enright closes his eyes some ecstatic. 'He was a shore man. He stood
a hundred-foot without a knot or limb; could wrastle or run or jump,
an' was good to cut a 4-bit piece at one hundred yards, offhand,
with his old 8-squar' rifle. He never shoots squirrels, my father
don't; he barks 'em. An' for to see the skin cracked, or so much as
a drop of blood on one of 'em, when he picks it up, would have
mortified the old gent to death.'
"'Kaintucky to a hair,' assented the Colonel, who listens to Enright
plenty rapt that a-way. 'An' things is so Arcadian! If a gent has a
hour off an 'feels friendly an' like minglin' with his kind, all he
does is sa'nter over an' ring the town bell. Nacherally, the
commoonity lets go its grip an' comes troopin' up all spraddled out.
It don't know if it's a fire, it don't know if it's a fight, it
don't know if it's a birth, it don't know if it's a hoss race, it
don't know if it's a drink; an' it don't care. The commoonity keeps
itse'f framed up perpetyooal to enjoy any one of the five, an'
tharfore at the said summons comes troopin', as I say. "'My
grandfather is the first Sterett who invades Kaintucky, an' my
notion is that he conies curvin' in with Harrod, Kenton, Boone an'
Simon Girty. No one knows wherever does he come from; an' no one's
got the sand to ask, he's that dead haughty an' reserved. For
myse'f, I'm not freighted to the gyards with details touchin' on my
grandfather; he passes in his chips when mebby I'm ten years old,
an' the only things about him I'm shore of as a child, is that he's
the greatest man on earth an' owns all the land south of the Ohio
river.
"'This yere grandfather I'm talkin' of,' continyoos the Colonel
after ag'in refreshin' himse'f with some twenty drops, 'lives in a
big house on a bluff over-lookin' the Ohio, an' calls his place "The
Hill." Up across one of the big stone chimleys is carved "John
Sterett," that a-way; which I mentions the same as goin' to show he
ain't afeard none of bein' followed, an' that wherever he does come
p'intin' out from, thar's no reward offered for his return.'
"'I ain't so shore neither,' interjects Texas Thompson. 'He might
have shifted the cut an' changed his name. Sech feats is frequent
down 'round Laredo where I hails from, an' no questions asked.'
"'Up on the roof of his ranch,' goes on the Colonel, for he's so
immersed in them mem'ries he don't hear Texas where he rings in his
theeries, 'up on the roof my grandfather has a big bell, an' the
rope is brought down an' fetched through a auger hole in the side of
the house, so he can lay in bed if he feels like it, an' ring this
yere tocsin of his while so minded. An' you can bet he shorely rings
her! Many a time an' oft as a child about my mother's knees, the
sound of that ringin' comes floatin' to us where my father has his
house four miles further down the river. On sech o'casions I'd up
an' ask:
"'" Whatever is this yere ringin'?"
"'"Hesh, my child!" my mother would say, smotherin' my mouth with
her hand, her voice sinkin' to a whisper, for as the head of the
House of Sterett, every one of the tribe is plumb scared of my
grandfather an' mentions him with awe. "Hesh, my child," says my
mother like I relates, "that's your grandfather ringin' his bell."
"'An' from calf-time to beef-time, from the first kyard out of the
box down to the turn, no one ever knows why my grandfather does ring
it, for he's too onbendin' to tell of his own accord, an' as I
states prior, no one on earth has got nerve an' force of character
enough to ask him.
"'My own father, whose name is the same as mine, bein' Willyum
Greene Sterett, is the oldest of my grandfather's chil'en. He's a
stern, quiet gent, an' all us young-ones is wont to step high an'
softly whenever he's pesterin' 'round. He respects nobody except my
grandfather, fears nothin' but gettin' out of licker.
"'Like my grandfather up at "The Hill," my father devotes all his
talents to raisin' runnin' hosses, an' the old faun would have been
a heap lonesome if thar's fewer than three hundred head a nickerin'
about the barns an' pastures. Shore! we has slaves too; we has
niggers to a stand-still.
"'As I look r'arward to them days of my infancy, I brings to mind a
staggerin' blow that neighborhood receives. A stern-wheeler sinks
about two hundred yards off our landin' with one thousand bar'ls of
whiskey on board. When the news of that whiskey comes flyin' inland,
it ain't a case of individyooals nor neighborhoods, but whole
counties comes stampedin' to the rescoo. It's no use; the boat bogs
right down in the sand; in less than an hour her smoke stack is
onder water. All we ever gets from the wrack is the bell, the same
now adornin' a Presbyter'an church an' summonin' folks to them
services. I tells you, gents, the thoughts of that Willow Run, an'
we not able to save so much as a quart of it, puts a crimp in that
commoonity they ain't yet outlived. It 'most drives 'em crazy; they
walks them banks for months a-wringin' their hands an' wishin' the
impossible.'
"'Is any one drowned?' asks Faro Nell, who comes in, a moment
before, an' as usual plants herse'f clost to Cherokee Hall. 'Is thar
any women or children aboard?'
"'Nell,' says the Colonel, 'I apol'gizes for my ignorance, but I'm
bound to confess I don't know. Thar's no one knows. The awful fact
of them one thousand bar'ls of Willow Run perishin' before our very
eyes, swallows up all else, an' minor details gets lost in the
shuffle an' stays lost for all time. It's a turrible jolt to the
general sensibilities, an' any gent who'll go back thar yet an' look
hard in the faces of them people, can see traces of that c'lamity.
"'As a child,' resoomes the Colonel, 'I'm romantic a whole lot. I'm
carried away by music. My fav'rite airs is "Smith's March," an'
"Cease Awhile Clarion; Clarion Wild an' Shrill." I either wants
something with a sob in it 'like "Cease Awhile," or I desires War
with all her horrors, same as a gent gets dished up to him in
"Smith's March."
"'Also, I reads Scott's "Ivanhoe," ain longs to be a croosader, an'
slay Paynims. I used to lie on the bank by the old Ohio, an' shet my
eyes ag'in the brightness of the sky, an' figger on them setbacks
we'd mete out to a Payaim if only we might tree one once in old
Kaintucky. Which that Saracen would have shorely become the basis of
some ceremonies!
"'Most like I was about thirteen years old when the Confederacy
declar's herse'f a nation, elects Jeff Davis President, an' fronts
up for trouble. For myse'f I concedes now, though I sort o' smothers
my feelin's on that p'int at the time, seein' we-all could look
right over into the state of Ohio, said state bein' heatedly
inimical to rebellion an' pawin' for trouble an' rappin' its horns
ag'in the trees at the mere idee; for myse'f, I say, I now concedes
that I was heart an' soul with the South in them onhappy ruptures. I
breathed an' lived with but one ambition, which is to tear this
devoted country in two in the middle an' leave the fragments that a-
way, in opposite fields. My father, stern, ca'm, c'llected, don't
share the voylence of my sentiments. He took the middle ag'in the
ends for his. The attitoode of our state is that of nootrality, an'
my father declar'd for nootrality likewise. My grandfather is dead
at the time, so his examples lost to us; but my father, sort o'
projectin' 'round for p'sition, decides it would be onfair in him to
throw the weight of his valor to either side, so he stands a pat
hand on that embroglio, declines kyards, an' as I states is nootral.
Which I know he's nootral by one thing:
"'"Willyum," he'd say that a-way when he'd notice me organizin' to
go down to the village; "Willyum," he'd say. "if anybody asks you
what you be, an' speshul if any of them Yankees asks you, you tell
'em that you're Union, but you remember you're secesh."
"'The Sterett fam'ly, ondoubted, is the smartest fam'ly in the
South. My brother Jeff, who is five years older than me, gives
proofs of this, partic'lar. It's Jeff who invents that enterprise in
fishin', which for idleness, profit an' pastime, ain't never been
equalled since the flood, called "Juggin' for Cats." It's Jeff, too,
once when he ups an' jines the church, an' is tharafter preyed on
with the fact that the church owes two hundred dollars, and that it
looks like nobody cares a two-bit piece about it except jest him,
who hires a merry-go-round--one of these yere contraptions with
wooden hosses, an' a hewgag playin' toones in the center--from
Cincinnati, sets her up on the Green in front of the church, makes
the ante ten cents, an' pays off the church debt in two months with
the revenoos tharof.
"'As I sits yere, a relatin' of them exploits,' an' Colonel Sterett
tips the canteen for another hooker, 'as I sits yere, gents, all
free an' sociable with what's, bar none, the finest body of gents
that ever yanks a cork or drains a bottle, I've seen the nobility of
Kaintucky--the Bloo Grass Vere-de-Veres--ride up on a blood hoss,
hitch the critter to the fence, an' throw away a fortune buckin'
Jeff's merry-go-round with them wooden steeds. It's as I says: that
sanctooary is plumb out of debt an' on velvet--has a bank roll big
enough to stopper a 2-gallon jug with--in eight weeks from the time
Jeff onfurls his lay-out an' opens up his game.'
"Thar's one thing," suddenly observed my aged companion, as he eyed
me narrowly, pausing in the interesting Colonel Sterett's relation
concerning his family, and becoming doubly impressive with an
uplifted fore-finger, "thar's one thing I desires you to fully
grasp. As I reels off this yere chronicle, you-all is not to
consider me as repeatin' the Colonel's words exact. I ain't gifted
like the Colonel, an' my English ain't a marker to his. The Colonel
carries the language quiled up an' hangin' at the saddle horn of his
intelligence, like a cow puncher does his lariat. An' when he's got
ready to rope an' throw a fact or two, you should oughter see him
take her down an' go to work. Horn or neck or any foot you says;
it's all one to the Colonel. Big or little loop, in the bresh or in
the open, it's a cinch the Colonel fastens every time he throws his
verbal rope. The fact he's after that a-way, is shore the Colonel's.
Doc Peets informs me private that Colonel Sterett is the greatest
artist, oral, of which his'try records the brand, an' you can go
broke on Peets's knowin'. An' thar's other test'mony.
"'I don't lay down my hand,' says Texas Thompson, one time when him
an' me is alone, 'to any gent between the Rio Grande an' the Oregon,
on sizin' up a conversation. An' I'll impart to you, holdin' nothin'
back, that the Colonel is shorely the limit. Merely to listen, is an
embarrassment of good things, like openin' a five-hand jack-pot on a
ace-full. He can even out-talk my former wife, the Colonel can, an'
that esteemable lady packs the record as a conversationist in Laredo
for five years before I leaves. She's admittedly the shorest shot
with her mouth on that range. Talkin' at a mark, or in action, all
you has to do is give the lady the distance an' let her fix her
sights once, an' she'll stand thar, without a rest, an' slam
observation after observation into the bull's eye till you'll be
abashed. An' yet, compared to the Colonel yere, that lady stutters!'
"But now to resoome," said my friend when he had sufficiently come
to the rescue of Colonel Sterett and given him his proper place in
my estimation; "we'll take up the thread of the Colonel's remarks
where I leaves off.
"'My grandfather,' says the Colonel, 'is a gent of iron-bound
habits. He has his rooles an' he never transgresses 'em. The first
five days of the week, he limits himse'f to fifteen drinks per diem;
Saturday he rides eight miles down to the village, casts aside
restraints, an' goes the distance; Sunday he devotes to meditations.
"'Thar's times when I inclines to the notion that my grandfather
possesses partic'lar aptitoodes for strong drink. This I'll say
without no thoughts of boastin', he's the one lone gent whereof I
has a knowledge, who can give a three-ring debauch onder one canvas
in one evenin'. As I states, my grandfather, reg'lar every Saturday
mornin', rides down to the Center, four miles below our house, an'
begins to crook his elbow, keepin' no accounts an' permittin' no
compunctions. This, if the old gent is feelin' fit an' likely, keeps
up about six hours' at which epock, my grandfather is beginnin' to
feel like his laigs is a burden an' walkin' a lost art. That's where
the pop'lace gets action. The onlookers, when they notes how my
ancestor's laigs that a-way is attemptin' to assoome the soopreme
direction of affairs, sort o' c'llects him an' puts him in the
saddle. Settin' thar on his hoss, my grandfather is all right. His
center of grav'ty is shifted an' located more to his advantage. I
esteems it one of them evidences of a sooperior design in the
yooniverse, an' a plain proof that things don't come by chance, that
long after a gent can't walk none, he's plumb able to ride.
"'Once my grandfather is safe in his saddle, as I relates, he's due-
-him an' his hoss, this last bein' an onusual sagacious beast whic
he calls his "Saturday hoss"--to linger about the streets, an'
collab'rate with the public for mebby five more drinks; followin'
which last libations, he goes rackin' off for "The Hill."
"'Up at our house on Saturdays, my father allers throws a skirmish
line of niggers across the road, with orders to capture my
grandfather as he comes romancin' along. An' them faithful servitors
never fails. They swarms down on my grandfather, searches him out of
the saddle an' packs him exultin'ly an' lovin'ly into camp.
"'Once my grandfather is planted in a cha'r, with a couple of
minions on each side to steady the deal, the others begins to line
out to fetch reestoratifs. I'm too little to take a trick myse'f,
an' I can remember how on them impressif occasions, I would stand
an' look at him. I'd think to myse'f--I was mebby eight at the
time,--"He's ondoubted the greatest man on earth, but my! how
blurred he is!"
"'Which as I states yeretofore, the Sterett system is the
patriarchal system, an' one an' all we yields deference to my
grandfather as the onchallenged chief of the tribe. To 'llustrate
this: One day my father, who's been tryin' out a two-year-old on our
little old quarter-mile track, starts for The Hill, takin' me an' a
nigger jockey, an' a-leadin' of the said two-year-old racer along.
Once we arrives at my grandfather's, my father leaves us all
standin' in the yard and reepairs into the house. The next minute
him an' my grandfather comes out. They don't say nothin', but my
grandfather goes all over the two-year-old with eyes an' hand for
mighty likely ten minutes. At last he straightens up an' turns on my
father with a face loaded to the muzzle with rage.
"'"Willyum Greene Sterett," he says, conferrin' on my parent his
full name, the same bein' a heap ominous; "Willyum Greene Sterett,
you've brought that thing to The Hill to beat my Golddust."
"'"Yes," says my father, mighty steady, "an' I'll go right out on
your track now, father, an' let that black boy ride him an' I'll
gamble you all a thousand dollars that that two-year-old beats
Golddust."
"'" Willyum Greene Sterett," says my grandfather, lookin' at my
father an' beginnin' to bile, "I've put up with a heap from you. You
was owdacious as a child, worthless as a yooth, an' a spend-thrift
as a young man grown; an' a score of times I've paid your debts as
was my dooty as the head of the House of Sterett. But you reserves
it for your forty-ninth year, an' when I'm in my seventy-ninth year,
to perform your crownin' outrage. You've brought that thing to The
Hill to beat my Golddust. Now let me tell you somethin', an' it'll
be water on your wheel a whole lot, to give heed to that I says. You
get onto your hoss, an' you get your child Willyum onto his hoss,
an' you get that nigger boy onto his hoss, an' you get off this
Hill. An' as you go, let me give you this warnin'. If you-all ever
makes a moccasin track in the mud of my premises ag'in, I'll fill
you full of buckshot."
"'An' as I says, to show the veneration in which my grandfather is
held, thar's not another yeep out o' any of us. With my father in
the lead, we files out for home; an' tharafter the eepisode is never
mentioned.
"'An' now,' says Colonel Sterctt, 'as we-all is about equipped to
report joodiciously as to the merits of the speshul cask of Valley
Tan we've been samplin', I'll bring my narratif to the closin'
chapters in the life of this grand old man. Thar's this to be
observed: The Sterett fam'ly is eminent for two things: it gets
everything it needs; an' it never gets it till it needs it. Does it
need a gun, or a hoss, or a drink, the Sterett fam'ly proceeds with
the round-up. It befalls that when my grandfather passes his
eightieth year, he decides that he needs religion.
"'" It's about time," he says, "for me to begin layin' up a treasure
above. I'm goin' on eighty-one an' my luck can't last forever."
"'So my grandfather he sets up in bed an' he perooses them
scriptures for four months. I tell you, gents, he shorely searches
that holy book a whole lot. An' then he puts it up he'll be
baptized. Also, that he'll enter down into the water an' rise up out
of the water like it's blazoned in them texts.
"'Seein' she's Janyooary at the time, with two foot of snow on the
ground, it looks like my grandfather will have to postpone them
rites. But he couldn't be bluffed. My grandfather reaches out of bed
an' he rings that bell I tells you-all of, an' proceeds to convene
his niggers. He commands 'em to cut down a big whitewood tree that
lives down in the bottoms, hollow out the butt log for a trough, an'
haul her up alongside the r'ar veranda.
"'For a week thar's a incessant "chip! chop!" of the axes; an' then
with six yoke of steers, the trough is brought into camp. It's long
enough an' wide enough an' deep enough to swim a colt.
"'The day for the baptizin' is set, an' the Sterett fam'ly comes
trackin' in. Thar's two hundred of 'em, corral count. The whole
outfit stands 'round while the water is heatin' for to clip the old
gent. My father, who is the dep'ty chief an' next in command, is
tyrannizin' about an' assoomin' to deal the game. "Thar's a big fire
at which they're heatin' the rocks wherewith to raise the
temperatoor of the water. The fire is onder the personal charge of a
faithful old nigger named Ben. When one of them stones is red hot,
Ben takes two sticks for tongs an' drops it into the trough. Thar's
a bile an' a buzz an' a geyser of steam, an' now an' then the rock
explodes a lot an' sends the water spoutin' to the eaves. It's all
plenty thrillin', you can bet! "My father, as I states, is pervadin'
about, so clothed with dignity, bein' after my grandfather the next
chicken on the roost, that you can't get near enough to him to borry
a plug of tobacco. Once in a while he'd shasee up an' stick his hand
in the water. It would be too hot, mebby. "'"Yere, you Ben!" he'd
roar. "What be you aimin' at? Do you-all want to kill the old man Do
you think you're scaldin' a hawg?" "Then this yere Ben; would get
conscience-stricken an' pour in a bar'l or two of cold water. In a
minute my father would test it ag'in an' say:
"'"Ben, you shorely are failin' in your intellects. Yere this is as
cold as ice; you'll give the old man a chill." "Final, however, the
water is declar'd right, an' then out comes a brace of niggers,
packin' my grandfather in a blanket, with the preacher preevail. in
over all as offishul floor-manager of the festiv'ties. That's how it
ends: my grandfather is baptized an' gets religion in his eighty-
first year, A. D.; an' two days later he sets in his chips, shoves
his cha'r back an' goes shoutin' home.
"'"Be I certain of heaven?" he says to the preacher, when he's down
to the turn. "Be I winner accordin' to your rooles an' tenets?"
"'"Your place is provided," says the preacher, that a-way. "'"If
it's as good a place as old Kaintucky, they shorely ain't goin' to
have no fuss nor trouble with me, an' that's whatever!"'"