The agitation which I felt at these words was indeed indescribable. As
if struck by a thunderbolt, I had almost fallen to the ground, and could
make no answer. Hereupon the Prior seemed greatly incensed.--"Go to your
brethren!" said he, in a tone of sternness and anger;--and I tottered
away, almost senseless, or totally unable to analyze my own sensations,
to the refectorium, where the monks were assembled.
Here I was assailed by a storm of anxious inquiries; but I was no longer
able to utter a single word on the adventures of my own life. Only the
bright and beaming form of Aurelia came vividly before mine eyes, and
all other imagery of the past faded into obscurity. Under pretext of
having devotional duties to perform, I left the brethren, and betook
myself to the chapel, which lay at the further extremity of the
extensive convent garden. Here I wished to pray; but the slightest
noise, even the light rustling of the wind among the faded leaves, made
me start up, and broke every pious train of contemplation.
"It is she--I shall see her again!--Aurelia comes!"--In these words a
voice seemed to address me, and my heart was at once agitated with fear
and with rapture. It seemed to me as if indeed at some distance I heard
the sounds of soft whispering voices. I started up, left the chapel,
and, behold! there were two nuns walking through an _allee_ of lime
trees, and between them a person in the dress of a novice. Certainly
that was Aurelia. My limbs were seized with a convulsive shuddering; my
heart beat so violently, that I could hardly breathe; and I wished to go
from the place; but, being unable to walk, I fell, not fainting, but
overcome with the vehemence of my internal conflict, powerless to the
ground. The nuns, and with them the novice, vanished into the thickets.
What a day and what a night I had to encounter! I strove to diversify
the emotions under which I laboured, by a visit to the house in which my
mother had lived; but, alas! it no longer existed. The garden--the
tower--the old castle--all were gone; and the ground on which they once
stood had been converted, by a new proprietor, into a ploughed field. I
was but slightly affected by this change, for my whole heart and soul
were devoted to that one object. I wandered about repeating her
name--"Aurelia! Aurelia!" This distraction continued also through the
long night. There was, for the time, no other thought--no other image,
but hers, that could gain any influence over my attention.
As soon as the first beams of the morning had begun to break through the
autumnal wreaths of white vapour that hovered in the valley, the convent
bells rung to announce the festival of a nun's investiture and
dedication. Soon afterwards, the brethren assembled in the great public
hall, where, too, in a short time, the Abbess appeared, attended by two
of her sisterhood.
Undescribable was the feeling which filled my heart, when I once more
beheld her, who, towards my father, had been so deeply attached, and,
after he had through his crimes broken off a union which promised him
every happiness, had yet transferred her unconquerable affection to his
son.
That son she had endeavoured to rear up to a life of virtue and piety;
but, like his father, he heaped up crime on crime, so that every hope of
the adoptive mother, who wished to find in the one consolation for the
profligacy of the other, was annihilated.
With my head hung downwards, and eyes fixed on the ground, I listened to
the discourse, wherein the Abbess once more formally announced to the
assembled monks, Aurelia's entrance into the Cistertian Convent; and
begged of them to pray zealously at the decisive moment of the last vow,
in order that the Arch-Fiend might not have any power at that time to
torment the pious virgin, by his abominable delusions.--"Heavy and
severe," said she, "were the trials which this young woman had already
to resist. There was no method of temptation which the great adversary
of mankind did not employ, in order to lead her unawares into the
commission of sins, from which she should awake when it was too late, as
if from a hideous dream, to perish in shame and despair!
"Yet Omnipotence protected this truly pious votary of the church; and if
on this day, too, the adversary should approach her, and once more aim
at her destruction, her history now will be the more glorious. I
request, then, your most zealous prayers--not that this chosen votary
may be firm and unchanged in her resolve, for her mind has long been
devoted wholly to Heaven; but that no earthly misfortune may interrupt
the solemn act of her investiture, or disturb her thoughts in that
sacred act. I must confess that a mysterious timidity--an apprehension,
has got possession of my mind, for which I am unable to account, but
which I have no power of resisting."
Hereupon it became clear and obvious, that the Abbess alluded to me
alone, as that evil adversary--that destructive demon, who would
probably interrupt the ceremony. She had heard of my arrival, and, being
aware of my previous history, had imagined that I came with the fixed
intention of committing some new crime to prevent Aurelia from taking
the veil. The consciousness how groundless were these suspicions, and of
the change which my mind had undergone, caused, for the moment, a sinful
feeling of self-approbation, which I ought to have repressed, but
which, like other vices, obtained a victory before I was on my guard.
The Abbess did not vouchsafe towards me a single look, or the slightest
sign of recognition. Hereupon I felt once more that proud spirit of
scorn and defiance, by which I had been formerly actuated towards the
Princess in the _residenz_; and when the Abbess spoke these words,
instead of wishing, as of yore, to humble myself before her in the dust,
I could have walked up to her, and said:--
"Wert thou then always so pure and elevated in soul, that the pleasures
of terrestrial life never had for thee any attraction? When thou daily
sawest my father, wert thou so well guarded by devotion, that sinful
thoughts never entered into thy mind? Or, when adorned with the _infula_
and crosier, in all thy conventual dignity, did his image never wake
within thee a longing desire to return into the world? Hast thou
contended with the dark powers as I have done? Or canst thou flatter
thyself with having gained a true victory, if thou hast never been
called into a severe combat? Deem not thyself so proudly elevated that
thou canst despise him, who submitted indeed to the most powerful of
enemies, yet again raised himself up by deep repentance, and the
severest penance."
The sudden and demoniacal change that I had undergone, must have been
visible in my exterior looks and deportment; for the brother who was
next to me, inquired, "What is the matter with you, Brother Medardus?
Why do you cast such angry looks towards the truly sanctified Abbess?"
"Ay, indeed," answered I, almost audibly; "she may indeed be sanctified,
for she carried her head always so high, that the contamination of
profane life could not reach her; and yet, methinks, she appears to me
at this moment less like a Christian saint than a pagan priestess, who,
with the bloody knife in her hand, prepares to immolate before an idol
her human victim!"
I know not how I came to pronounce these blasphemous words, which were
out of the track of my previous ideas, but with them arose in my mind a
multitude of the most horrible and distracting images, which seemed to
unite and harmonize together, as if for the purpose of gaining more
strength, and effectually obtaining the victory over any degree of
rational self-possession I had left.
Aurelia was for ever to forsake and renounce this world!--She was to
bind herself, as I had done, by a vow, that appeared to me only the
invention of religious fanaticism, to renounce all earthly enjoyments!
Old impressions, which I had believed for ever lost, revived on me with
tenfold strength and influence. My attention was again wholly engrossed
by the one idea, that Aurelia and the monk should yet be united, though
it were but for a moment, and then perish together, a sacrifice to the
subterranean powers of darkness. Nay, like a hideous spectre, like Satan
himself, the thought of murder once more rose on my mind. I beheld
myself with the bloody dagger in my hand!--Alas, poor blinded wretch! I
did not perceive that at the moment when I had conceived such resentment
against the Abbess for her supposed allusions, I was given up a prey to
perhaps the severest trial to which the power of the devil had ever
subjected me, and by which I was to be enticed to the most hideous crime
of which I had yet even dreamed!
The brother to whom I had spoken looked at me terrified. "For the love
of God, and all the saints," said he, "what words are you muttering
there?" The Abbess was now about to leave the hall. On her retreat, her
eyes accidentally encountered mine. I perceived that she immediately
grew pale, that she tottered, and must lean on the attendant nuns.
Methought also I could distinguish the words,--"Merciful Heaven, my
worst fears then are confirmed!"
Soon after, she summoned the Prior Leonardus to a private audience; but,
meanwhile, the bells were again rung, and with them was united the deep
thundering notes of the organ. The consecration anthem was just begun,
and was distinctly heard from the church, when the Prior returned into
the hall. Now the monks of the different orders arranged themselves all
in solemn processions, and advanced towards the church, which was now
just as crowded as it used formerly to be at the anniversary of the
blessed St Bernard. On the right side of the high altar, which was
richly adorned with red and white roses, were elevated seats placed for
the clergy opposite to the tribune, whereon the Bishop's _capelle_
performed the music of the high mass, at which he himself was the
officiating priest.
One of the monks with whom I had formerly been acquainted, and to whom
probably Leonardus had given directions, called me to take my place next
to him. I perceived that he watched even my slightest movements, and he
insisted that I should pray without ceasing out of my Breviary.
The decisive moment was now drawing near. The nuns of St Clare assembled
themselves within the small square, enclosed by an iron railing, before
the high altar, while, through a private door from behind the altar, the
Cistertians brought forward Aurelia.
A whispering rustled through the crowded church on her appearance; the
organ was silent, and only the simple anthem of the nuns in the choir
vibrated to the very heart of every listener. Till now, I had not
ventured to lift up mine eyes, and on doing so, I trembled convulsively,
so that my Breviary fell to the ground. I bent down to take it up, but a
sudden giddiness seized me, and I should have fallen after my book, had
not my watchful brother seized and held me back. "What is the matter
with you, Medardus?" said he--"Resist the demon that besets you, and he
will flee!"
I made a violent effort to be tranquil, looked up again, and saw Aurelia
kneeling at the high altar. Oh, heavens! her beauty of countenance, and
symmetry of form, were more than ever dazzling and seductive! She was
dressed, too, as a bride, precisely as she had been on that fatal day of
our intended marriage, with wreaths of myrtle and roses twisted in her
luxuriant and skilfully-plaited hair. The devotion--the solemnity and
agitation of the moment, had heightened the bloom on her cheeks; and in
her eyes, uplifted to heaven, lay an expression of desire, which, in
another place, or on another occasion, might have been very differently
interpreted.
What were those moments, after I had recognized Aurelia at the
_residenz_ of the Prince von Rosenthurm, compared to this? I said that
my feelings then were indescribable, but my passions now raged and
burned within me with a violence which I had never before known. Every
vein and fibre in my frame was convulsed and swollen by the vehemence
of my conflict, and I grasped the reading-desk with such force, that the
boards cracked and broke beneath the pressure.
Meanwhile, I prayed internally with great fervour--"Oh, merciful
Heaven--Oh, ye blessed saints, intercede for me!--Let me not become
mad!--only not mad!--Save me--save me from this hellish torment!--Save
me from utter frenzy, otherwise I must commit the most horrible of
crimes, and give up my soul to everlasting destruction!" Such were my
inward aspirations, for I felt how every moment the evil spirit was
acquiring more and more an ascendancy over me. It seemed to me as if
Aurelia, too, had a share in the crime which I alone was committing, as
if the vow that she was about to take was _not_ to be the bride of
Heaven, but to become _mine_! To rush up to the altar, to press her in
my arms in one last delicious embrace, and then stab her to the
heart--this impulse became almost irresistible. The demon raged more and
more wildly in my heart--I was about to scream out, "Stop there, deluded
fools!--Not a virgin, as you believe, pure and emancipated from earthly
bonds and passion, but the devoted bride of the perjured monk, would
you consecrate to Heaven!" * * * * When I heard Aurelia's voice,
however, as she began to pronounce the vow, then it seemed as if a mild
gleam of moonlight broke through the dark and stormy clouds by which my
reason had been obscured. By this pure light I detected all the
artifices of my relentless adversary, whom I was thus, with tenfold
vigour, enabled to resist. Every word uttered by Aurelia, like the
encouraging voice of a guardian seraph, gave me new strength, and, after
an arduous conflict, I was left victor. That black and hideous impulse
to new crimes was put to flight, and with it every remains of sinful
passion. Aurelia was again the pious votary of Heaven, whose prayer
could rescue me from eternal remorse and destruction. Her vows were to
me the source of consolation and of hope; I could look again without
despair into the blue unclouded vaults of heaven! The monk who had
watched over me, immediately perceived this change. "Thou hast bravely
resisted the adversary, Medardus. This was perhaps the last and severest
trial which has been destined for thee by the will of the Almighty!"