After leaving Merle, William walked slowly and thoughtfully to his home,
which was at some distance, but instead of resting or sleeping, after
the labors and excitement of the day, he went immediately to his private
study, and plunged into thought. The expression of his eyes at this time
was not charming, betokening not only doubt and suspense, but some
intensity of feeling that, to an outside observer would have been
nameless.
"Let me think. My brain seems in a maze; I cannot command my thoughts! I
cannot even speculate. What a day this has been. Will its memory ever be
effaced from my soul? My thoughts, even, elude my wishes. I, who prided
myself on the cogency of my reasoning, my control over my thoughts, am
reduced to the same condition of blank vacancy as is a new born babe,
looking, wondering, speculating possibly, but unable to realize or
reason.
"I who am acknowledged to be the strongest mesmerist of the age, have
twice in one day been completely baffled by my usually passive
'subject,' through no desire of his own to disobey. I am sure of that,
as he has been too faithful a subject for me to doubt for one instant
his loyalty. He wishes to please me. This night's work mystifies me
more than the day's, and I regarded that as an epoch in my life.
"Let me think how it all happened, and why I lost all control over him
to whom, ordinarily, I have but to suggest a thought or desire, and he
hastens at once to obey, whether in a trance or not.
"There is no doubt the boy is very ill, overcome by some powerful
influence, which, temporarily at least, is stronger than my will over
him.
"I feel shame,--the deepest of shame--that I, who usually glory in the
fact of calm nerves, invulnerable to the rudest shocks, should thus be
suddenly deprived of all self-control, and that before a multitude of
persons who will naturally say 'Professor Huskins must be losing his
power to allow his acknowledged best subject to create such a sensation
in a public place.'
"No wonder they would think so after all the tests many have seen this
same subject put through, he obeying implicitly my every thought, silent
or spoken. I could not only not prevent this public portrayal of my
weakness, but it required all of the will power I possessed to quiet and
subdue the disturbance after I had got him to his home where everything
was perfectly tranquil.
"This is not a very flattering picture to contemplate, and I walked
home purposely to cool my head and control my thoughts. If sentence of
death were to be passed upon me, if I could not tell one rational
thought that passed through my brain since I left home, until I arrived
here again, I should have to pay the penalty.
"All is confusion--doubt--chaos. I realize that I have no firm
foundation upon which to stand. Where I thought I was strong I find I am
weak; miserably and pitifully weak--so weak I feel acute shame for
myself.
"Enough of this. I must and will know the cause of Merle's sudden
illness. I know that, deny though he may, that sickness had its
foundation in the woman's appearance and nowhere else. Just before that
he was talking animatedly to me about his sister, and the thought went
through my mind 'how well he looks; all the fatigue of the day has gone,
and he is his old self again, quaffing enjoyment like a child.'
"I felt a sense of envy that he could be so light-hearted, and for just
one moment could have wished myself a negative subject instead of a
positive operator, but before that wish had been fully formulated in my
mind, the singer appeared and almost simultaneously rang out his
distracted cry 'William!' (the name by which he never addresses me
except in private) and that in so loud a tone as to penetrate, it seems
to me now, every portion of that immense auditorium.
"I heard the cry, still I seemed unable to turn away from that woman's
face; when, immediately there came another cry, so full of suffering it
broke the spell that bound me, but I could do no more than to calm and
quiet him.
"Was it selfishness on my part to remain that I might hear her sing just
once more, or was it really an unselfish desire not to disturb others by
going out while she was singing? I hope it was the latter. Is any man
capable to analyze correctly his own thoughts? If so, I am not one of
them. Why should Merle be stricken so ill by just one fleeting glance at
her? She is as beautiful as a poet's dream. There must be something in
their lives of more than ordinary acquaintance. He knows her;--he
must.--But even so, why should he be so affected? I shall know. He shall
tell me--if not waking, I will entrance him.
"It seems impossible that Merle has had any love experience with a
woman, yet there is no other way to account for the incident. I must be
wrong. He has been my subject now almost ten years; I know that in all
that time he has been free from any attachments with women, for he has
been continually under my care. Before that time, he was only a boy,
incapable of generating any strong attachment, still she would have
been a girl about his own age.
"Probably they met, and, like every other true-hearted man, he has
remembered and suffered, while she, with her beauty, has gone on
wounding new hearts. I will find out about it. He is too good a boy to
be the victim of a designing woman. I have warned him times enough, and
thought he heeded me.
"This is another proof of one man's inability to dominate the entire
consciousness of another so as to know for a certainty his exact
thoughts and emotions.
"I thought I was aware of all the principal traits, wishes and events of
Merle's life, while the strongest and most potent force of all probably,
was entirely undreamed of.
"I thought before I went to that concert, I had a difficult problem
before me,--one that would try my patience, ingenuity and knowledge, but
I am likely to find that one simple, compared to the last.
"However intricate, I will solve it. There is only one way to do it; I
will go to him as soon as I can get away from the consultation with my
colleagues, when we have arranged to talk over our failure.
"They must not notice the ravages that yesterday has made upon me. It is
useless for me to try to sleep; neither do I feel any inclination to
eat, but I will go and take a good cold plunge. That will restore me to
my customary equilibrium of mind sooner than anything else. Then I will
walk to Dr. H----'s office. By that time I will get myself into my
ordinary shape. William, you told yourself some years ago that you were
impervious to shocks; you had control of your nerves and body; now here
you stand, trying to keep yourself from trembling, and unable, even, to
eat or sleep!
"Wonderful power to possess! I congratulate you upon its possession!
Only yesterday, you prided yourself in one thing that your colleagues
did not possess--fearlessness of public criticism;--You have been as
nervous as a woman, thinking what impression Merle's disability will
produce upon the persons present at the concert.
"No wonder you are an advocate of inconsistency! You know no better
example of it than yourself. You surely have more to learn than you
thought."
* * * * *